CHRISTMAS 2012 - POOL HOUSE
We slept for only a few hours, when I awoke to the sound of Bo's cell, buzzing nonstop. I heard him groan, his head tucked into the back of my neck. His arm slipped, from around my waist, and he answered the phone.
"Chandler, you know it's Christmas morning, right?" He said, his groggy voice, swollen with annoyance. I heard him move, sitting up against the couch. He sighed heavily. "Man, do you ever just take a moment? Does your wife hate you? I feel like your wife hates you."
I smiled and rolled over to face him. That was a mistake. He sat against the couch, his head tilted in irritation, holding the phone to his ear. The thin blanket, barely draped over his lap, wasn't hiding anything.
"I'll be back in L.A by tomorrow and we'll go over it then," He said. He looked at me, gesturing towards the phone, shaking his head. My eyes traveled back down to the blanket in his lap and my insides twisted in a needing way. I looked back up at him. "Okay, Chandler. Listen. I have an incredibly beautiful, VERY naked girl, giving me 'fuck me' eyes. I have to go." He hung up and tossed the cell to the floor.
"Fuck me, eyes?" I giggled, as he crawled over me.
"Oh, yeah. Those are unmistakable, fuck me, eyes," he grinned. I looked up at him, hovering over me on all fours. So brilliantly gorgeous in the morning light. "Am I wrong?" he asked? I shook my head. With a full watt smile, he snatched the blanket off of me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, twisting my arms around his neck, feeling him move to where I wanted it most, and I sighed against his ear. How does he so effortlessly, dismantle me?
The energy in my house, once I made it inside, was a little overbearing. I wasn't as hungover as I imagined I would be, but my body was spent, and my mind was spinning pretty images of him, like a kaleidoscope.
Mom and Patty were laughing and cutting up in the kitchen, Aaron was playing video games, on full volume, while Morgan and Paul, wrapped presents, in the living room floor, by the tree.
"Well, good morning, Sidney," Morgan said, eyeing me heavily as I headed to the stairs. She knew exactly how I spent my Christmas Eve.. –and my Christmas morning. I gave her a guilty wave and dashed up the stairs to shower and get dressed.
I stood in the shower for a while, feeling the warm water wash over me. My dreamy little cloud, began to lift, a little, and only for the first time did I feel a hint of guilt. There were two people out there in the world, who trusted Bo and I, and their trust was in vain. What made me feel worse, was that it wasn't some, spur of the moment, drunken accident. It was no crime of passion. It was wanted, and was received. Then, repeated, in the bright light of the morning. But the thought that really began to work its way under my skin, was that regardless of feeling guilty, I didn't feel regret. I knew, that if I was able to harness the ability to rewind the hands of time, I'd do it all over again. For whatever reason, that thought scared me.
I slipped on the dark green, quarter length sleeved, A-line dress, I specifically bought for Christmas. I originally planned on pulling my hair up, into a classic curled, pony tail, but when I thought of Bo, releasing my hair around my shoulders the night before, I decided to leave it down, adding only, a loose Hollywood wave.
Time slipped away quickly and before I knew it, the day was turning into early evening. As I headed downstairs, I was met with the smell of delicious food, and the thick chatter of friends and family and made my way through the crowded house, buzzing with the mix of both the Paxton and Burnham family. Just as I made it to the kitchen, to see if mom and Patty needed any help, I saw Bo and Samm heading through the door. Bo flashed a smile, as he approached me, wearing a cream color sweater, his sleeves pushed halfway up his forearms, and dark denim jeans. Sickly stunning.
He idled up to me, next to the kitchen counter, holding out a beautifully wrapped gift, in blue and silver.
"You'll never guess what this is," he said, grinning. I took it, smiling up at him.
"I can guess you didn't wrap this yourself," I mused.
"Nope. My mama did. Didn't you, Mama?" He said, over to Patty, who was pulling a casserole out of the oven.
She eyed the gift in my hand, and chuckled. "I sure did! My baby is talented, but he sure sucks at wrapping."
Bo looks at me, wincing. "Ouch!"
I laughed, "Well, I'll put this under the tree, with your gift. You'll never guess what it is," I joked, turning to head to the living room.
I felt his arm around me, as he quickly pulled me in. "The privilege of being near you," he said, quietly, in my ear.
I felt my face heat up, as I blushed.
Bo and I, split ways, as we made our rounds, talking to various friends and family throughout the house. Bo, was particularly excited to see his 'Nana', and spent quite a while, talking with her, kneeled next to the chair where she sat.
I was chatting with my Aunt Ruby, who had just made it in from Texas, when I noticed Bo, take a seat at the piano in the corner of the living room. The delicate notes, floated through the room as he played through various traditional Christmas songs. Eventually, I made my way over, and leaned against the piano, watching him play.
"What? No dark and twisted covers of 'Little Drummer Boy'?" I smiled.
He grinned, keeping his eyes on the keys. "Wait till you hear my version of, Deck the Halls."
I laughed, and he looked up, smiling as he watched me. But then his eyes moved past me, and his smile dropped. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me," he said.
I followed his glare and turned.
"Ian?" My body completely froze where I stood.
"Hey, babe! Surprise!" He pulled me into a hug. I hung there, like a damp, dish rag, unable to move. He finally released me.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, a little too harshly. I noticed Bo, picking back up on playing the piano, concentrating way harder than necessary.
Ian gave a small laugh, looking at me, somewhat confused. "Well, geez, Sidney. I just thought it would be nice to surprise my girlfriend on Christmas."
"No, it's great," I said, trying to sound a little happier. "I just thought you had your intern thing."
"Why do you always call it that? It's an inter-SHIP, Sidney. Not an intern-THING."
With Bo's eyes, still down on the keys, he huffed a nearly inaudible laugh under his breath. And out of all the noise and chatter hanging in the room, Ian managed to zero directly in on that.
"Oh look, Burnham's here," Ian said sarcastically.
Bo looked up, as if he had just tuned in. "I was invited," he stated simply, returning his focus to the keys.
I closed my eyes with a sigh. Only Bo, could fire shots with three simple words.
Ian cut his eyes back to me. "Could I talk to you, for a moment, alone?"
I led Ian upstairs to my room and shut the door.
"First of all, why is he even here?" Ian immediately started in on me. He tugged at his black, long sleeved, V-neck, obviously very agitated but trying desperately to keep his cool.
"Ian. Chill out about Bo. Literally half the people downstairs are his family. It's not like he was specifically invited."
Ian shook his head. I could tell he wanted an answer of some kind, that would satisfy him, but he couldn't come up with it. "Is that why you came here? For him?"
"What? No! I didn't even know he would be here. I found out from Morgan as we were leaving the airport."
He sighed, crossing his arms. "I'm sorry, Sidney. I shouldn't have questioned you like that. I think I'm just deflecting. I feel horrible about the argument we had before you left. That's why I came. I wanted to apologize in person."
The hint of guilt I felt in the shower earlier suddenly returned. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. I know you've been really stressed out."
His face grew soft and he smiled, "I missed you," he said, pulling me into a hug.
"I missed you too," I said, into his chest. A hollow statement.
"I love you so much, Sidney."
I felt a knot in my throat. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. My mom poked her head in.
"Hey guys, Hey Ian," she gave a small, sweet wave. "Just wanted to let you know, we're serving dinner."
Because of the sheer amount of people, we couldn't all possibly fit at the dining room table, even as big as it was. So as people made their plates, they dispersed into the living room, some ate right there at the kitchen counter and the breakfast table, and the rest settled in the formal dining room. Among the group in the dining room was, Mom, Morgan, Paul and Aaron, and the Burnham's, including, sweet little Nana. Ian and I, made our plates and joined them. Bo sat with Samm, towards the end of the table, laughing as they talked about some of the trouble they caused when they were really little.
Morgan gave me a tight smile as I worked to get seated. A simple tight smile, silently asking if I was okay. I didn't return the smile. Just a lingering look, silently answering. No. I went through the motions as everyone talked and enjoyed dinner. I laughed when I needed to laugh. Talked when I needed to talk, but the whole time I just watched, Bo, as casually as possible. I'm positive he was doing exactly the same as I was doing. Going through the motions. I also noticed, that he hadn't taken the first bite of food, and was instead, nursing a glass of Scotch.
Warning bells sounded off in my head. At that point in my life, I had known Bo for about a decade. But as well as I knew him, Bo had always had a shroud of mystery and unpredictability about him. And at 22 years old, it seemed to have only gotten worse. But, even as aware of this as I was. I would not, and could not, have ever predicted what would occur, not much later that evening.
As dinner came to a close, Patty asked Bo to continue playing music while we all opened gifts. He nodded, wandering off to the kitchen before taking a seat at the piano, with an aggressively large refill of straight Scotch. I wasn't exactly sure how much he'd already had at that point, But whatever the number, it was on an empty stomach and I knew that the usual, somewhat shy introvert, could disappear at any point. The only thing I could hope for, was that Ian would enjoy the rest of the evening quietly and stay off of Bo's radar.
With everyone squeezed into the living room, Ian and I took a seat on the stone hearth of the fire place. I took a deep breath, watching everyone rip into gifts, enjoying the warmth from the fire on my back. Bo played, peacefully on the piano and I thought in the moment, maybe I'd get that wonderful Christmas I wanted after all. Awkward, yes. But, aside from that, it had been a really amazing time. Without realizing it, my gaze settled on Bo as he played, and flashes from the pool house began to trickle into my mind.
I guess Ian noticed it.
"You know what I just realized?" he said. I looked at him in question.
"I haven't even kissed you, yet," he smiled.
Oh shit…
He reached out, pulling me into a kiss by the back of my neck. I struggled between really leaning into it, so as to not upset Ian, and sitting there like a card board cutout to protect Bo. I think I landed somewhere in the middle. Ian leaned away and smiled, although there was a questioning look in his eyes. I looked away and glanced to Bo, who had stalled out on the piano, dancing one hand around the high notes while he took a long draw of his Scotch.
"Sidney, here honey," Mom said trying to hand me a present, over all the people spread out on the living room floor. I got up and grabbed it, and sat back down. I recognized it immediately. The neatly wrapped, blue and silver paper. Bo's Christmas present to me. I looked up at him. He was back to playing full scale with both hands. I carefully tore into the paper and revealed the exact thing he told me it would be. A beautiful, hardback, original copy of Great Gatsby. I smiled down at it, running my fingers across the cloth binding. I looked up at him again. His soft eyes were on me as he played.
I smiled, mouthing "Thank you."
He winked, and smiled softly. Although it didn't reach his eyes.
I opened up the cover and noticed a tea stained slip of paper laying on the inside, with Bo's handwriting.
But before I had a chance to read what it said, Ian spoke.
"Well, I have to admit, I'm embarrassed. I spent so much time trying to shuffle my schedule around so I could get out here to you. I didn't get a gift for you," he said.
I looked up at Ian, realizing he must have seen the whole look between Bo and I, and I suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of guilt. The only thing he had done wrong was staying by my side for almost two years, after he learned that Bo and I had a complicated history that was still lingering. He took a leap of faith, and landed in a relationship with a girl, who couldn't let go of someone else.
"Ian, please. Do Not apologize about that," I said.
He smiled. "Well, luckily. I do have a little something that I'm hoping might make up for it." He looked away, picking up something sitting on the other side of him. His hand returned, revealing a small, black, felt box.
Everything inside me came crashing down, and I suddenly felt sick and lightheaded. Please, no. Please do not tell me this is happening.
The light, airy sound of the piano, suddenly silenced. I looked up at Bo, who had just realized what was happening. "Oh, look everyone! A knock off, Captain America is about to pop the question!" Bo yelled over the living room.
Ian's head snapped in Bo's direction. Along with literally every other person in the room. Then, they all followed Bo's arrogant glare over to Ian and I. The silence was deafening. I considered throwing myself into the fireplace.
Ian turned his eyes back to me. "Anyways, I just wanted to say—"
"Oh, shit! The Captain is about to be VERY disappointed," Bo laughed, throwing back the last of the Scotch.
"Robert!" Patty, snapped.
Ian looked at Bo. "You know, man. I'm really starting to get tired of your shit."
Bo looked down, tapping out a quick finishing jingle on the piano and then jumped to his feet, knocking the bench to its side, and my entire body went into a vicious tremble, when Ian jumped up from the hearth.
"Well, do you know WHAT? -MAN?," Bo said, storming in our direction. "Sidney, is tired of YOUR shit. So maybe you should look into that before trying to give her a ring." They were now practically chest to chest.
"Bo, please stop it," I whimpered, noticing the room full of wide, horrified eyes.
Ian leaned towards Bo's unfaltering glare.
"You don't know, Sidney. Not anymore. And you don't know our relationship. So Stay out of our business, and stay away from her.
Bo didn't flinch, huffing one dark laugh under his breath. "I know, Sid. I know her better than you, and anyone else on this earth. Including myself. And I know, she sure as fuck, doesn't want to marry you."
Ian shoved, Bo. There was an uproar in the room. Everyone began to panic and Nana was holding her chest. But once again, with muscle vs height, Bo barely moved. And I could tell, Ian wasn't used to being matched.
"Stop acting like a dick!" Ian yelled. "You aren't with her anymore. Get over it!"
"Seriously, quit it!" I stood, as I pleaded with them.
Bo's eyes were wild. "Yeah? Well, riddle me this! She was with me last night, Ian. And I fucked her! I fucked her all the way into Christmas!"
Ian threw a punch at Bo, striking him in the face and Bo countered with shoving Ian strategically high on his chest, sending him, crashing into the fireplace.
"Stop!" I screamed.
Ian got to his feet and he turned his broken, pained eyes to me. "Is this true, Sidney?"
My palms open towards him, "Please, let's talk about this— literally anywhere else."
Ian grabs my wrists, "Is it true!?" He roars into my face.
I shrink under his fury. "Yes."
"Thank you ladies and gentleman, I'll be here all night," Bo said, tossing the stray ring box to Ian.
Ian caught it reflexively, his hurt and shocked expression turning back to me. "You're unbelievable, Sidney. I'm done. You fucking whore."
Ian stormed, through our silent, horrified families, slamming the door and I followed after him, into the driveway. He was getting into what I assumed was an airport rental.
"Ian, wait!"
He rose from his midway descent into the car, getting right into my face. "Get the fuck away from me, Sidney. I'm done. No one will ever be able to compete with him. I'm not saying, I'm some perfect man. But whatever your hang up is with him, it's poison. It'll destroy you!" He didn't skip a beat. He was in the car, squealing away, only seconds later.
I stood there for a moment, in the silence of the falling snow. Watching his tail lights, fade out of the neighborhood. Like he was running from a ghost, or the boogie man, or the monster under the bed. The misunderstood characters, of our innocence. But you learn, as life goes on, what to truly fear.
"Sid?"
I turned, meeting his eyes.
"What, —the fuck. Is your problem, Bo?"
He shrugged. "He just left."
"Do you think this is a joke? You just ruined Christmas for everyone! You're Nanna, barely survived."
"Oh, come on Sid." He crossed his arms. "You didn't want to actually marry him."
I laughed. A tired, exasperated, laugh, as I took in the gorgeous Christmas lights, strung on the face of the house. Like people could trust, him and I. It hung there, in vain.
"You're right. I didn't want to marry him. But that was MY decision to make. MINE! I could have explained that to him, myself. To a man that deserved to be let down easy. Not told that, by her wasted, maniac, cynical, asshole of an ex boyfriend!"
He lowered his head. "I'm sorry."
I trudged across the thick snow towards the door. "I don't care! Just stay away from me!"
"No!" He grabbed my arm as I passed him. I looked up at his torn expression. Begging me for something in his eyes. "I love you. I am so, in-love with you, Sid."
"Bottle it up, Burnham," I said snatching my arm away. "This is done."
I went inside and mumbled an apology to the shell shocked duo family before racing upstairs.
After a while, mom opened the door. "We'll talk later, Sidney. But I wanted to bring you this."
She handed me the copy of Great Gatsby. I took it, and after she shut my door, I sat down on the bed and flipped it open. Taking out the tea stained slip of paper I saw earlier.
On it, Bo had written two quotes from Great Gatsby.
"I love her and that's the beginning and end of everything."
"Can't repeat the past?" he cried incredulously. "Why of course you can!"
– The Great Gatsby
I threw myself back into the covers of my bed. Angry, hurt and denying feelings I was angry at. I didn't want them.
"He wound up dead, waiting for her!" I screamed into my pillow. "Merry fucking Christmas!"