Chapter 20. Death of Me
Did he just say I love you? Did I hear him right? He loves me? I must have heard him wrong. He can't have meant to say that. He loves me? Do I love him? Oh god, here it comes. Oh, gods, I love him. Mmph oh gods oh gods oh gods, I love him. Oh gods, "Severus!" Hermione called out as her orgasm sent her into spasms. He quickly followed, adding a rush of intimacy through her as he came inside her. I love him, she mentally repeated.
In her haze, she barely noticed him set up beside her, and she instinctively curled into his warmth. Her continued debate on whether or not he had meant to share his feelings with her continued, but as she felt herself drifting to sleep, she came to a decision. "I love you too," she whispered against his skin, feeling her hot breath return to her, his arms wrapped around her, as she grazed her fingertips over his soft chest hair. She felt him stiffen though, at her words, and she was quickly brought back to full consciousness. She didn't dare look up at him, in case she had judged it wrong, had I just imagined those words? Panic rose in her throat and she clenched her jaw. He winced. He just visibly winced at you looking at him and he's not looking back at you. You misread it. He didn't mean it. He might not have even said it! She berated herself mentally, feeling him tug away from her.
"I'm being summoned," he stated impassively, as he eased out from under her and stood. It was a conflicting moment, for as she looked at his lanky body and nice firm arse, she was slightly aroused. However, she was also acutely aware of the moment that had just passed between them, what words they had just exchanged, and how he was obviously avoiding making mention of it. On top of all that, he was being summoned.
"By who?" She questioned although she was nearly certain she knew the answer already.
"The Dark Lord," he answered as he conjured his robes, dressing hastily. Hermione chose to remain in the bed and watch the scene unfold, unsure of where she fit into the summoning. Biting her lip, she held the blankets to her chest as he moved towards the exit.
"Wait!" Hermione called after him, making him hesitate before reaching for the door handle. The witch wasn't sure what she wanted, just that she didn't want him to leave. There had to be an excuse to keep him there, but she understood that he was a spy and the Dark Lord was not to be kept waiting. "When will we see each other again?" She asked pathetically, once again fairly certain she knew what his response would be.
"When next it works out," he replied, making her sigh and crumble into herself. Not looking back, the older wizard disillusioned himself as he rushed through the door, leaving her in the room of requirements alone.
"At least this time I didn't get stood up," she reasoned aloud, letting herself fall back into the mattress. At least he didn't throw up. Staring up at the ceiling, she noticed the same intricate pattern she had seen before in the infirmary, and immediately her mind wandered to Draco. I need you to find solace in the arms of another, if not simply for appearances, Severus' words echoed in her mind shortly thereafter. "Is that what he was referring to?" She thought back to their pairing in his defence lecture, and how easily Draco seemed to get along with her. Is Draco part of the plot? It had been quite the dramatic change from their previous years of him referring to her with awful names, and actively treating her as lesser. Now he was almost... tolerable? She swallowed hard at the conclusion, shaking herself from the idea and standing.
The brunette summoned her clothes and redressed slower than her lover had but opted to disillusion herself on the way out as well. As she walked back to her dormitories and thought about her relationship with Severus and how it had progressed, she attempted to remain aware of her surroundings as to not get caught out of bed so far past curfew. This meant it took her longer to make the journey, but she didn't mind as it gave her time to think over everything. Part of her, well most of her, wanted to go back to their chats about books over tea, and step away from their more intimate relationship. While she was not unhappy with the sex, she actively tied it with the loss of his affections. He seemed more distant lately, less involved in her life and it was beginning to make her insecurities swell. She wanted to talk to him, really talk to him, instead of simply having sex. "When next it works out," she muttered to herself as she neared the portrait of the fat lady.
When the portrait made no move to talk to her or to ask her for the password, Hermione quickly realized she was still disillusioned and promptly cancelled the charm. "Oh, hello dear! You're up rather late tonight! Your partner for rounds just came back as well. Well, come on then, what's the password?" The lady was known for jabbering on and frankly, Hermione was not in the mood to deal with it.
"Baubles," Hermione offered, still slightly wrapped up in her thoughts. The lady huffed before opening the door and letting the young brunette through. Just as the door sealed behind her, she heard her name being called out by a rather familiar, deep voice. Immediately, she spun around and opened the door again, to reveal Severus Snape standing just outside. "Yes?" The witch asked calmly, attempting to conceal her excitement from the surrounding portraits.
"Miss Granger, may I see you in my office for a moment? To discuss what you discovered on your rounds?" He was cryptic, but the brunette was simply thrilled she had the chance to speak with him sooner than she had expected. Given, she didn't expect for him to return so quickly from his summoning with Voldemort, but she wasn't about to argue as she nodded curtly and followed after him.
It was a shorter walk than she had remembered to his office, and he promptly shut the door behind them, sealing the room with his wards. "I left our meeting far too hastily and I wanted to apologize. Hermione, I said something during our encounter that frightened me to think about. You returned the sentiments and I needed some time to process it," he rambled. The witch sat down in her normal chair and watched as he paced behind his desk. Nervousness began to bubble in her stomach as she watched him, clenching her fists at her sides to keep calm. "What I am getting at is that I lied about my summoning. There is absolutely no excuse for it, and I need you to know that I do not ever want to lie to you. Which is why I need to tell you something. Something that can never, ever leave these walls. Promise?" The potion's master commanded the question rather than asked it.
"Promise," Hermione squeaked out, beginning worry more as he turned to focus on her. Leaning on his desk, his dark eyes bore into her and she began to feel small once more, sinking into her chair.
"The mission I have been given is to arrange your romance with Draco Malfoy." Severus allowed a pregnant pause that gave Hermione far too much time to think. So he is attempting to set us up. Her mind flashed back to the pairing to practice the Patronus charm and inhaled sharply. "The Dark Lord believes that this will bring him information about Potter's on goings and such. It- it started with the rumours about us, and I- well I panicked with my mission and the thought of losing you, it was all too much so I had to make sure I wasn't alone in what I felt. That's why I- that's why I kissed you." A smile pulled at her lips as she remembered their first kiss but she compartmentalized and kept a serious expression, waiting for him to continue. "I don't regret it, if that's what you're thinking. I know I've said that before, but I really mean it. I don't regret kissing you. It's simply put us at a disadvantage and I don't know how to proceed."
She sighed, watching him crumble into the recesses of his thoughts, his doubts, and she reached out and grabbed his hand from across the desk. He stopped moving at her touch. "We will make it work. I know life is hard, and I can't imagine how life must be as a spy between two incredibly powerful wizards. I will be there for you, in whatever way I can, Severus. I promise. I love you," she whispered her last words, and he glanced down at her.
"I love you too, Hermione." His reply made her heart lurch forward and it took everything in her power not to launch herself across the desk and kiss him. It was, however, not the time for her to display her foolish romanticisms and decided to hold back and offer nothing but a simple smile.
Severus rushed her out of his office to avoid any snooping witches or wizards. Which she understood, given she was out of bed far after curfew with a Professor she had been rumoured to be sleeping with. And given Severus' current mission, Hermione knew he couldn't afford to have more gossip spread about them when he was supposed to be forcing her into the arms of Draco Malfoy. Still, as she was curling up under her covers, she couldn't help the excitement in her stomach as she replayed his words over in her head. I love you too Hermione, even the memory of his thick tone sent shivers down her spine and she couldn't keep herself from smiling. The know-it-all began imagining their Valentine's Day again, and if it was at all possible that they could sneak out and meet each other to at least snog. That particular thought made her sigh happily. "Snogging Professor Snape," the witch whispered, clenching her fists in her blanket and squealing just a bit too loudly.
"Go to sleep, 'mione," Lavender groaned from her bed, making the brunette tense. I still can't believe I have to share a room with her, Hermione grumbled internally as she exhaled and relaxed into the bed. Don't let it ruin this for you, she resolved, allowing herself to close her eyes and dream of the brooding man who had very quickly captured her heart.
-x-
With the mission in her mind, she opted to sit next to Draco as she had in their previous Transfigurations class. If Severus was going to be pushing them together, the least she could do is let him, even though it pained her to see the boy who not a year earlier called her horrible names. Boys will pull your hair and call you names when they like you, her mother's voice rang in her mind. Yes well, any boy worth respecting would be able to use his words to tell me he liked me instead of being a complete git, she retorted mentally as she felt him begin to lean over.
"I thought we were only sitting together in Arithmancy?" His voice sent a shiver down her back, not unlike Snape's voice which bothered her for a brief moment before he continued. "What changed? Another fight with those dunderheads?" She quickly glanced at her friends who were looking around for her, as she left breakfast quickly enough to avoid another round of questioning on her Valentine's day plans. Daringly, she looked back at Draco, who flinched away from her at the movement, and straightened her back.
"No, I just- I see better from this spot," she lied, attempting to appear confident. Hermione watched as he examined her face, his expression softening with each second of quiet passing between them. She wasn't sure what to do as he continued assessing her, feeling a blush rise on her cheeks and turning to face away from him at the heat.
"It's further from the front, Granger," the blond retorted with a short chuckle. The witch hated how terrible her lies were around him. There was something about the two Slytherins that made it impossible for her to keep composed, and she really didn't like it. Part of her wanted to give up on the endeavour to help Severus with his mission, but McGonagall entered the room the moment she thought to stand up. Every damned time, she cursed, sitting back in her chair and opening her notebook. From the corner of her eye, she saw Draco do the same, leaving his left hand on the bench beside him. The sudden urge to place her hand on top of his overcame her and she slowly lowered her right palm to be on the bench beside him, walking her fingers over to his.
A shock tore through her when he placed his own fingers on top of her and intertwined them. The brunette swallowed heavily, feeling a shiver working its way up her legs and her skin turning clammy as she held his hand. There was something about it that felt completely normal and it was quickly going to drive her insane. As her head of house began their lesson on further non-verbal transfigurations, Hermione pulled her hand away, offering a slight shrug to the blond who retreated his own. "Notes," she whispered, poising her quill and writing down absolutely everything she could catch from the Animagus teaching.
"Alright students, pair off and start practising non-verbal conjuring charms," the Scottish voice called from the front of the room. "Nice ones!" McGonagall clarified sternly looking at the Slytherins scattered around Hermione. Instinctively, the brunette turned to Draco who was already looking at her.
"Partners?" He asked, his trademark smirk displayed with full intent.
"Alright," the witch answered with a shrug. Mentally, she whispered Avis and a grouping of birds appeared above her head and fluttered around. Draco watched them, and Hermione noted the genuine smile that had appeared on his face, making him seem almost nice as he admired her work.
"My turn," he announced as Hermione vanished the charmed birds above her. He closed his eyes and centred himself, sitting back against the wall, and flicked his wand. A fluttering of violet rose petals fell around her, eliciting a giggle as she held her palms out to catch some as if it were snow. He's watching you again, she told herself, glancing over at the boy who seemed not only pleased with himself, but appeared to be enjoying witnessing her playing in the petals.
Saving herself, she whispered incarcerous mentally and watched as ropes formed around the boy in front of her. Hermione couldn't help but snort at the panic that replaced his contentment and she quickly tumbled into a fit of laughter. "Miss Granger, unbind him this instant! I said nice charms," McGonagall's flinty voice made her stiffen and quickly cancel the charm, releasing the blond. "Ten points from Gryffindor."
"I asked her to try it out, I deserve it after all," Draco lied, taking the older witch aback. Hermione, too, was shocked at the defensive fib that he offered and suddenly felt exceptionally horrible for casting the jinx in the first place.
"Very well, Mister Malfoy, ten points from Slytherin for encouragement." With that, the Gryffindor Head of House turned and left to hassle some other students.
"You lied," Hermione whispered forcefully after her professor was out of earshot.
"Astute observation Granger, no wonder they call you the brightest witch of our age," Draco spat back coyly, conjuring birds as she had previously.
"Why would you do that?" She pressed.
"Good karma, I guess. And I mean, after all the shit I put you through," he offered with a shrug, playing with his avian toys.
"You didn't have to do that," Hermione asserted through gritted teeth, becoming annoyed at his nonchalant tone.
"Well I'll be sure and correct myself with McGonagall next she comes, okay then?" She huffed at his response and continued practising all the conjuring spells she could think of that could be managed non-verbally. "Are you going to Hogsmeade this weekend?" He asked after a moment of silence.
"No," Hermione responded instinctively. "I'm not allowed, you heard Madame Pomfrey," she explained.
"I thought not. Going to be in the library?" Biting her lip at his questioning, she played with the small ball of fire in front of her she had conjured casually.
"I suppose." Suddenly, her fire grew in size and she nearly leapt from her seat but Draco was quick to cast Auguamenti and put out her charm. "Thanks," she offered breathlessly, her heart pounding in her chest as she recovered from the panic.
"Think nothing of it," he said with a quick chuckle under his breath. At that moment the class was dismissed and he nodded at her, pulling his bag over his shoulder and leaving the classroom. She fell into her seat in shock, her pulse throbbing in her ears.
"What was that 'mione?" Ron's concern brought her back to the present and she looked up at the redhead's narrowed gaze.
"I wasn't paying attention," she retorted quickly, gathering her things and slinging her bag across her chest.
"Looked like Malfoy fucked with it and made it bigger," Ron continued.
"Yeah Hermione, why did you sit with that git?" Harry questioned, looking more angry than concerned.
"He put the fire out, and I have a project with him in Arithmancy. I needed to talk to him. I really didn't want to seek him out outside of class so I figured now was a good of a time as any," she lied. Better, she mused watching the boys digest her response. While they weren't the dimmest of wizards, it was highly unlikely they would take the time to test her answer. The other two-thirds of the golden trio shrugged at the information.
"Sorry you're stuck with that slimy prat, 'mione," Ron offered as Harry motioned for them all to leave the class. She didn't respond, knowing that he would only add more insults to the list he'd already accused Draco and she was not in the mood to shit all over the wizard who had just saved their lives. Severus would have saved your life, she thought cheekily, imagining the professor conjuring water to douse the flames, pulling her into him for a long passionate kiss. You need to be more careful with your magic, my love, it could hurt you and I would never want that to happen, his voice was clear in her mind as she wandered away from her friends to her History of Magic class.
-x-
Throughout her entire class, she was looking forward to lunch. There was something about the prospect of seeing Severus that made her want to speed up time and get to his presence faster. Love, she reasoned, was the cause of her lack of concentration and butterflies. She smiled as she strolled towards the great hall, and he loves me back. The brooding wizard was sitting in his normal spot beside Professor McGonagall, and he was fixated on the meal in front of him, not looking up once to meet her gaze as she walked slowly towards the Gryffindor benches. Hermione swallowed hard and bit her lip, willing him to see her, but he never flinched and her throat hurt with her heart leaping into it.
She found a seat with her friends and quickly began stealing glances at the head table where her professor was still actively ignoring her. "Hermione," Ginny's voice pulled her attention to her group and she plastered a grin on her face. "Do you think Krum will send you another Valentine this year?" The ginger teased and Hermione rolled her eyes as she helped herself to some mashed potatoes.
"He sent me one last year, there's nothing stopping it from happening again this year," Hermione offered casually, avoiding Ron's pointed gaze. "Do you think you'll get many, Gin?" She turned the query back on her friend who absorbed it happily.
"I hope so, but I'm looking for one in particular," the youngest Weasley professed, stealing a short glance across the table. Harry, Hermione suspected.
"Moved on from Dean, eh?" Ron baited, making Hermione's brows furrow in confusion.
"I thought you said everyone had dates for Valentine's Day, Ron. Who did you think was taking Gin?" She questioned, noting Ginny's panicked gaze and Harry stiffening.
"Well, I mean, I thought- well Neville honestly. Gin said she had a date, and so did he, so I just thought, well, they went to the Yule Ball together," Ron stammered, poking at the meal in front of him.
"I'm going with Luna," Neville answered proudly, smiling widely. Ron muttered something that sounded like oh, and Ginny quickly interjected.
"It's a surprise," the ginger stated. Ginny's about as good at lying as I am around Severus or Draco, Hermione concluded with a deep inhale.
"Well that's not comforting-" Ron started, interrupted by Harry.
"It doesn't matter, we're all really going as friends, no need for dates eh?" Not suspicious at all, Hermione teased internally, shooting the dark-haired boy a sideways smirk. He didn't return it, looking briefly at Ginny and offering a sympathetic shrug.
"Right," Hermione agreed, hoping to move the youngest Weasley male from the topic. He was far too protective of his sister, unnecessarily so, and she was beginning to worry how he would react when he discovered his best friend's love for the girl. Imagine how he'll react when he hears about your relationship with Severus, she smiled inwardly. Her thoughts flashed to the mission and quickly realized it was far more likely they would find out about a fake relationship with Draco Malfoy before she could ever be public with Severus. They are going to hate me, she winced, glancing once more to the wizard at the head table. This time he was looking at her, and she sent a pathetic smile.
He simply nodded in return.
"So anyway, back to Hermione," Ginny pivoted, making Hermione shoot her a fast glare. "Do you think you'll get many?"
"No, I really don't think so. Apart from friends and well Krum maybe," she rambled before taking a big bite of her dinner.
"I bet Draco will send you one," the ginger's suggestion made the brunette nearly snap her neck as she looked up in shock. She swallowed, determined not to choke on the food in her mouth. Hermione moved to protest, but Ginny continued. "He has not stopped staring at you since you sat down, 'mione, it's kinda weird honestly." Both Ron and Harry looked over their shoulders at the blond and Hermione watched as he ducked his head quickly at the attention. Fuck.
"That's genuinely absurd, Gin, he hates me. He's probably just thinking of all the ways he can kill me," Hermione offered, attempting to remain casual and cracking her knuckles under the table. This made Ron laugh, shouting a boisterous HA with his mouth full of dinner. Thankfully, it drew the judgement of the rest of her friends, leaving her to look over at the blond worriedly. He glanced up, meeting her gaze, and offering a small smile which she returned. This mission is going to be the death of me.
I'm sorry this one took a long time to update - I felt I wrote myself into a corner and I couldn't figure out how to make it work so I tried my best to make it fit into where I want this story to go. (Please leave your theories on where you think this is going in the reviews - I like to see what you want out of this fic ❤️)