*** I do not own the Vampire Academy world or any of the characters. All rights go to Richelle Mead. Only the plot is my own.***

This is cross-posted to my account on AO3 under the same pen name.

Chapter 1

Blood . A need for it.

That was all I remembered. It rushed through my veins, pushing me forward. That and the unrelenting rage.

It kept telling me to kill, to see the light leave their eyes as I squeeze the life out of them. To feel their heartbeat slow as I drank the last drop of blood from their body.

That was before. Now I could only feel pain and fear. Both my own and those of the people I killed. The many, many people. Their ghosts surrounded me; their faces pulled in a permanent silent scream.

It almost made me miss when I had lost that connection to the shadow world. The bond was gone. At the time, I didn't mourn that loss of Lissa.

I didn't feel anything towards her other than bloodlust, and I wanted to taste the royal blood that flowed through her veins and then awaken her like me.

Both her and Dimitri were going to be mine.

Before I could have her, she pierced me with a silver stake.

For a second before her magic flowed through me, I thought I was dead for good. I was grateful. It was over, and I was free.

But then I felt it—spirit.

It was like when she would heal me, but much warmer. It almost felt like it was burning me from the inside out. I wanted to scream from the pain that pulsed through me.

Before I could beg for it to stop, it went away.

Then everything crashed around me.

I had a moment of fresh air before feeling like I was drowning. Emotions that I didn't feel as a Strigoi returned with a vengeance. Felt as if my chest would explode from the pressure of it all. The fear. The guilt.

I wasn't sure if I was screaming. It was all white noise to me.

I knew I was crying from the feeling of hot tears running down my face. I couldn't look at the faces of death anymore, so I hid my face against the thing closest to me and cried.

I could feel someone stroking my hair, their gentle voice against my ear.

Everything will be okay.

I wanted to believe it, but I knew what I was now—a monster. I had to pay for my crimes. The ghosts of my victims around me will make sure I pay.

The hand on me tried to pull me up, I didn't want to move, but the voice called me. I couldn't deny it, so I followed. I didn't know where I was going, not even wanting to open my eyes. I didn't want to see the faces.

I was guided away from the ground and into an enclosed space. In the back of my mind, I realised it was a vehicle. The leather seat gave to my weight as I sat down. I pulled my legs up to my chest and hid my face again.

The hand continued to run down the length of my hair and back. I could feel myself becoming more aware. The voice that had been guiding me became clearer, and I could put a name to it.

Vasilisa.

I don't understand how it happened, but she somehow returned me to a dhampir. It made no sense, but I wasn't able to voice my questions. I could only feel the guilt and fear. Guilt for what I had done, what I was going to do. The fear of what I was, if I still am, the monster that wanted to hurt all that I loved. I didn't deserve this second chance. I deserved to die.

We drove for some time before coming to a stop. Lissa tried to gain my attention, gently lifting my head from my knees.

"Rose?" She brushed the tear-soaked hair from my face, "Rose, can you look at me please?"

I can hear the plea in her voice, but I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough to see the faces. I shook my head, trying to hide against my knees again though her hands held me firm.

"You're safe now. We are back at the Academy."

The Academy? Why would they bring me here?

I should be locked up far from everyone else. I needed to tell them to lock me away.

I opened my eyes finally, prepared to stare down the fearful eyes of the dead surrounding me. But when I looked, all I could see was Lissa's green eyes looking back at me. Emotions passed over her eyes, but it had been so long since I had felt them that I couldn't read what they were.

She smiled at me like she would a scared child and spoke softly, "We are going to get out of the car and then we will go inside, okay? They have some questioned, but everything will be okay."

I wanted to shake my head and tell her no; her eyes kept me still. Was she using compulsion on me?

She grabbed hold of both of my hands and tugged until she had me outside of the car. There were others around us, guardians, my mind filled in; they circled us. Shielding us from the rest of the world.

Or more likely shielding the world from me.

I couldn't look at any of them, though I could feel their eyes on me, watching my every move as we made our way across the campus. I wasn't sure where we were going and was too nervous to look. Maybe I was being led to the cells, lock the door and throw away the key.

I was surprised when I was placed in a small room. A table sat in the middle of the room with a chair on either side. It was like an interrogation room from a police show, just without the two-way mirror.

"Sit down." A guardian commanded from behind us. I couldn't recognise his voice. "You need to step out now, Princess."

Lissa squeezed my hand, "I'm not leaving her."

"This isn't up for discussion."

I could feel Lissa ready herself to argue back. I gripped her arm to gain her attention. "It's okay. I'll be f-fine." I tried to sound convincing, but even I could hear how weak I sounded.

The guardian took Lissa by the elbow and led her from the room, not waiting for a response. Each of them filing out until it was just me in the room.

I was alone. The silence was suffocating.

I had never been as afraid of the silence as I was right now. My body radiated with fear, I knew I was shaking, but I couldn't stop it. Without Lissa here to distract me, the guilt returned. It clawed at my throat, twisted up my insides. I wrapped my arms around myself as if it could stop myself from breaking, from being pulled apart by the memories of what I had done.

I took a step back, then one more, backing up until I was against the wall. I could not escape. I sunk down the wall and pressed myself against the corner.

I was small and insignificant. I didn't deserve to be here. I didn't deserve to be alive. I should be dead.

I should be killed.

I should be killed.

The feelings grew too strong, I had to get them out. I had to end it.

My nails scratched at my wrist, pressing harder and harder until I could feel my wrist become slick.

I should be dead.

The door to the room opened, I heard a yell. I ignored them. I had to make it stop. I scratched harder at my wrist until I felt my hand yanked away. Another hand gripped my bleeding wrist. I pulled at the tight grip but couldn't move. I struggled against it, another round of tears escaped my eyes.

"Let go! I have to finish it!" I was begging. The old Rose would never beg, but I had to. This is what I deserved.

"Hold her down. We need something to stop the bleeding!"

"Rose, stop fighting me!"

More voices yelled around me. They become background noise before fading away to nothing.

I came back to myself now seated at the table. When had I sat down?

I slowly moved my eyes up to my arms laid out in front of me. A bandage was tightly wrapped around my wrist. I moved to touch it but stopped. That's when I noticed the handcuffs on my wrists, the chains going down either side under the table. I tried to move my arms again, testing the length of the chains. I could lift my hand a little but not enough to reach the other hand or even to scratch my nose.

The door opened, I peer up enough to see people enter; they were all dressed in black. Guardians.

I raised my eyes enough to notice who was in the room but not enough to make eye contact. Stan stood next to the door, was holding it open for the others to enter. Was he there before?

One of the guardians came and stood off to the side beside me. I was surprised to see my mother. Had she been here all along, and I had missed it again. Had she been there when I had attacked earlier? The third was Alberta, who walked across the room and took the empty seat across the table. She was going to interrogate me.

The last guardian to enter had a presence about him that made my skin tingle and my blood freeze. I didn't need to look to know who it was. Still clad in his leather duster. It was Him.

I looked away; he couldn't see me. I shouldn't even be allowed in the same room as him. Didn't they know what I did? What I put him through.

Alberta cleared her throat, hands linked in front of her. I didn't look at her face; I couldn't bear to see the distrust in her eyes. I knew I deserved it. I just wasn't ready for those I aspired to for so long to look at me that way, like a monster.

"I have some questions that I would like you to answer. Do you understand?" Alberta kept her tone neutral, almost like this wasn't a once in a lifetime occurrence of speaking to your former student that was a former Strigoi.

Not trusting my voice, I nodded my head.

"Do you know your name?"

Really? We are checking for a Strigoi here, not a concussion. The quip was the tip of my tongue. I thought it better not to antagonise them. "Rose Hathaway." My voice was so horsed that it came out as a low whisper.

Alberta nodded, then continued, "Do you know where you are?"

I was still unsure with this line of questions, though I did have a slight breakdown earlier, maybe they all thought I had finally gone insane. "The Academy."

"Do you remember what happened?"

I swallowed hard. I vaguely knew what happened, but I didn't understand it. Alberta took my silence as confusion and tried to clarify. "Do you remember what happened... at the caves?"

Oh.

Oh.

She thought I had no memory of that. Of what happened after. Of the people that I killed for food or for...fun. I found it fun. Cutting them open and letting them bleed, hurting them in just the right way so I could hear them scream for hours.

I could feel myself struggling to breathe, my lungs refusing to take in enough air. Even though I knew I couldn't move them, I pulled my arms against the chains.

"I...I shouldn't..." I was gasping. The room felt like it was shrinking as more faces of my victims filled my mind. "I should be dead ... I shouldn't be here... I can't..." My wrist pulling so hard that blood was seeping from the bandage.

"Rose, breath!"

A voice called next to me. I think it was my mom. Alberta gripped my arms, holding them against the table.

"Rose, look at me!" Alberta ordered. I recognised that voice from the many times she has had to put me in my place for the crap I've pulled. I knew not to ignore that voice. My eyes snapped to her. "Breath in," she emphasised by taking a deep breath, "and out." She left the air out slowly, her eye locked on mine. "Do it with me, Rose."

In and out. Easy right?

In.

Out.

Slowly I felt my body relax. My focus was still on Alberta. My mother was repeating the commands behind me, encouraging me to calm down.

In.

Out.

Finally, I felt normal again, or as normal as I could be at this time.

"Good Rose," Alberta smiled, though it looked strained, "you don't have to talk about that."

I nodded, taking another deep breath. I glanced down at my wrist. Pain pulsed through them from struggling against the handcuffs.

Alberta's hand brushed against the bandage that was now more red than white. She looked back at Stan. "Tell them we need a new one."

He opened the door enough to talk to someone outside of the room.

"Are you okay to continue?"

I looked up at Alberta. I took a second to consider it. I didn't want to talk anymore, but I wanted to know what happened, how I can be here now. "Yes."

She shifted in her seat, slipping back into the role of interrogator. "What do you remember about what happened today? With Lissa."

I liked my lips; they were so dry I needed to drink something. I haven't required water in months. It felt foreign to be craving it. "I was going to... attack." I looked down at the wood of the table, my voice thick with the shame of my actions. "I saw Lissa, and I was... I was going to take her. But when I got close to her, she... she staked me?" I asked. I remember a stake, but how did that not kill me?

"That's correct."

"I felt this white light, no..." I searched for the right word. "Energy. Go through me. I thought my insides were on fire. But then it stopped, and I just felt it."

"Felt what?" My mother asked, now leaning against the side of the table.

Tears burned my eyes, threatening to fall. "E-everything."

No one said anything, and another silence settled over the room. I didn't elaborate; I didn't have to.

"One last thing, can you pick this up?"

Something metal was placed on the table. I glanced up to see a silver stake in the middle of the table—the last test. Strigoi's can't touch the stake without it burning them. I reached towards it with a slight hesitation and gripped the stake in my hand. Nothing happened.

The room let out a collective sigh. The longer I held it, though, the more the atmosphere became tense. Alberta reached out her hand. "You can let go now, Rose."

I looked at her in confusion. Why did she look so desperate to take it away again? Then it clicked. They think I will hurt myself with it. I felt the shame of how far I had fallen, how weak I was. I gave her the stake and curled back into myself.

I was all over the place, I felt so dead inside that I was numb, but at the same time, I was feeling everything. It was consuming me to the point that I couldn't handle it all.

Before anyone could say anything more, Lissa opened the door.

With her so close to me, I could feel the bond again, no longer pushed to the back of my mind by everything else. My mind was overtaken by hers easily with how weak my mental barriers were, I could see through her eyes as she looked at me. I looked as small as I felt. I couldn't watch that anymore and pushed away from her mind.

"Miss Dragomir, I told you to wait outside." Alberta chastised Lissa.

Lissa moved further into the room, "I heard Rose was hurt." She came over to the table, ignoring the guardians, carefully lifted my bloody wrist in her hands. "Oh, Rose."

She pitied me. I tried to pull away but was restricted by the handcuffs.

"Has she eaten?"

"No, not yet."

Food. Another thing I haven't craved.

"I'll make her something." I was surprised by Christian's voice. Had he been with Lissa earlier too? I couldn't remember.

"Thank you," Lissa replied before turning her attention back to me.

With a sigh, Alberta rose out of her seat and moved to the door. "I think we have enough for now. Take time to rest now, Rose." She nodded at the others in the room and left, followed by my mother and Stan after some hesitation. Lissa took the seat and held my wrist again.

I could feel his presence. He didn't leave with the others, and now, without Alberta holding my attention, all I could notice was him. I could almost smell his aftershave; the old part of me felt joy from it. It felt safe.

No. I don't deserve to feel anything for him now after what I did. He could try to kill me right now, and I would let him.

The peeling of my bandage pulled me back from my thoughts. I didn't want to see it—my weakness. Lissa revealed the deep scratches to the room. I wondered if she thought any less of me. I am supposed to be strong for her.

After a second, she placed her hand over my wrist and closed her eyes.

I could feel the warmth of her healing flow through my body and the bond. I almost missed this feeling. Seeing the gold light that is her magic, she could bring life to things.

Whereas I had only bought death.

Her warmth faded as suddenly as it had come. She pulled her hand back to show unblemished skin. Instead of making me feel better, I felt worse.

"Much better." Lissa smiled to herself.

Another set of footsteps entered the room. "There wasn't a whole lot in the kitchen, but this will have to do." Christian set a plate down on the table in front of me. It looked like a cheese sandwich and half an apple. "You guys need to restock."

"I'll be sure to pass that on." His voice rang through the room, feeling like it was echoing in my head. I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to ignore the rest of the world. I was breathing in and out slowly as I had before.

"Rose?"

Her hand almost felt cold against mine. It shocked me out of my downward spiral. Bodyheat is another thing I had to get used to again. Not that I ever felt cold when I was dead, but every time I had touched someone, they felt warmer than me.

"How about we start small." I was confused until I saw her ripping the sandwich into bite-sized pieces. She went to place it in my hand before realising I was still chained to the table. "Can we take these off?"

He answered her, "They are so she doesn't hurt herself again."

"She won't. She needs to eat."

I wanted to disagree with her.

The sound of keys jingling, and then Lissa pushed the key into the lock on my handcuffs, one wrist than the other. After they were released, I kept my arms in the same place. I didn't have the energy to move.

"Come on, Rose." She encouraged me.

I could feel her pushing some energy through the bond. Slowly I lifted my hand to take the torn-off piece of bread and placed it in my mouth.

It felt foreign in my mouth, the taste bland. I forced myself to swallow and take another piece from Lissa. I hadn't craved food any more than I had water. While I could eat, I just didn't want to. I couldn't even remember the last real meal I had before I turned. After that, I only had blood. I would always get my fill of it from anyone I could find wandering the streets alone. And then I would only feed on him when I was hungry. I had craved his blood, had enjoyed every second I took from him.

My stomach turned. The memory of holding him down while feeding on him was too much. I turned to the side and emptied my stomach on the ground.

More tears rolled down my face as I dry heaved, nothing left inside me.

Hands pulled back my hair as another set of hands soothed my back.

"Let's get her cleaned up." My mother had returned to the room; together with Lissa, she lifted me from the chair and led me from the room.

Away from him. The person I loved the most and the one I hurt the most.