Colorful Dreams Part Three

Black

"Where are we are we Tamera?" The doctor asked and Tam was silent but a frown appeared on her face.

"I don't want to be here," Tam whispered. Dr. Wilkins looked back at Teddy and he nodded for her to allow Tam to continue.

"Where are you Tam?"

Everything went black except for this light. As she got closer to the light she realized there was a mirror and the reflection was causing this light. She looked in the mirror and instead of seeing herself now she was wearing the clothes from that day. Her face was stained from her tears. The old version of herself stepped out for the mirror only enough to grab Tam's hand.

"I know you don't want to relive it but I need you to remember and let him know," the past version of Tam explained before pulling Tam into the mirror with her.

"New York … after I left," Tam said with a small uneasy voice. Teddy looked at the hurt look on Tam's face and he almost advised that she be pulled from the dream but again he was too curious to be kind.

"I've never hurt so much," she whispered and then went into an even deeper sleep. The door was jammed to her dream she had to force it open.

It was the first night that she was in her mom's loft style apartment. She was in bed sobbing uncontrollably. She had so many thoughts running through her head but the major thought was that she was wrong.

"Was I wrong?" She asked herself. She couldn't stop crying and she didn't want her mom to see her like this so she tried to sob quietly. However, her mother knew she was hurting so she entered the room. At first she didn't say anything she just rubbed Tam's back until she was able to collect herself.

"Sweetheart I know you're hurting but maybe this was for the best. You always seemed so dependent on Teddy. He's not your whole world sweetheart. You need to learn to become a vibrant independent woman," her mother advised and Tam simply snorted.

"I can't talk about this right now Mom," Tam explained. Her mother had told her of her concern regarding her closeness to Teddy and normally she would tell her in the nicest way where to stick it but right now she didn't have the energy.

"I know but at least now you can go on with your life the way you intended. Finish up school for journalism. Maybe take a few fashion courses and lose that ten pounds we were talking about." Her mother cooed and Tam turned toward her mother to scowl at her.

"Oh really is that really how I intended my life to go? What are you doing right now?" Tam flipped out. "Mom, I just broke up with my very best friend and the man I … whatever can I just sleep!" Imani was trying to help but she was only making the situation worse. She was making Tam remember how strained her relationship was with her mother and a big part of her was regretting coming to her for solace.

"I know sweetheart, trust me I know what all of this feels like. It's really hard but this is the time to reevaluate and make your life better."

"You mean forget about your old life and everyone in it that's what you did mom. Most of the time I honestly though you forgot about me," Tam spewed her venom at her mother and immediately regretted it but couldn't apologize for it. Her mother was hurt but she understood. Tam was hurting and she unloading on her it wasn't how she really felt. Imani waited for her daughter to say sorry but the apology never came. Tam went to lay back down and turn her back on her mother. It was then Imani went into defensive mode.

"Even though I wasn't physically there for part of you growing up Tam, I was always accessible. You could've reached out to me," Imani explained.

"You were the parent Mom, you should've been there I shouldn't have gone through half the things I went through without you," Tam murmured.

"Tammy Sweetheart, I know you have had some little spells but your life has been very comfortable. Your father and I made sure you never wanted for anything," Imani defended herself and Tam started to cry.

"What about the thing with Luke?" Tam said softly between catching her breath and trying to stop her tears. It was the thing she rarely brought up because she saw herself as so weak and stupid regarding him but she needed her Mom to see that she really wasn't there enough.

"I couldn't come home for the break up Sweetheart and you said you understood." Imani was starting to feel guilty. She wasn't expecting Tam to bring up the past but maybe this was necessary maybe her child needed closure on some things.

"I'm not talking about the break up Mom," Tam said darkly. She thought her mom was playing stupid but Imani was just oblivious.

"Oh Honey, you went into shock. You even said you couldn't remember what happened at first." Imani was quick to dismiss the thought.

"You defended him and Shea took me to the doctor. He tried to … but couldn't get in. I was bruised Mom … my wrists, arms, neck, and my business," Tam explained at a whisper. "He tried to take something I wasn't willing to give him and I tried to tell you but you dismissed it. Hell, you're dismissing it now. You told me I'd be lucky to be with him and that he was a catch."

"You never told me about going to the doctor," Imani stated and was filled with remorse. She was surprised and angry that Shea nor her father had mentioned it either.

"I tried to get you but I kept getting your assistant. I never left a message. It was the moment I knew that although you loved me your work came first. I mean look at where we are now. You never to me … I am always coming to you."

"Honey I …"

"Mom, can we table this I don't have the energy," Tam said dryly was a drained voice. It was like the scene paused and Tam was standing in a memory that her subconscious had buried but wouldn't let her forget.

"This isn't a dream," Tam muttered from her subconscious. "I wanted Teddy to know how weak his wife is. How she was almost raped yet stayed with a loser because she was scared by her mother that she could do no better." Tam whimpered.

"There are things I want you to know… things I never mentioned and wish I could forget," Tam continued. "I cried in the car with Shea when you lost your virginity. There were so many times I had a crush on you but I didn't think you'd like me because I was black. You never entertained a black girl in school that's why I thought you were full of shit when you would tell me I was beautiful. Maria pretended to be my friend so she could be with you. After you were finished with her she was finished with me. There are so many things Teddy but the most important thing is that no matter how stupid I've been in the past and no matter how dark my days have been you have always been the light in my life."

The doctor looked at Teddy and advised him to speak instead of her.

"Tam thank you for sharing these personal things with me. I thought I knew everything about you and now it's clear that there's so much more. I want to know everything so talk to me and I will always listen," Teddy stated firmly. He was in shock about the thing with Luke. He was trying to pinpoint when this could've happened. He wanted to travel back in time and kick his ass.

"I can tell you anything?" She asked in almost a childlike tone.

"Yes Tam. Anything," Teddy reaffirmed.

"You need to fuck me more," she said quietly and bluntly. "I'm not a toy Teddy. I have feelings. I feel like you're bored with me. I want you and I miss you. Two nights ago I got on top of you while you were sleeping. I allowed myself the feel of you since you've been so distant. I miss you… you have no idea. I feel so lonely at times. I'm scared that you'll cheat on me like my dad did my mom. He's a good guy he just got tired of her being away. I feel like if we're not connecting then you are probably connecting with someone else. Someone worth your time. Someone your mom would like. I know from experience that divorces are easy and I would give you one. I wouldn't want you to stay with me because you feel obligated. I love you too much to trap you." Teddy listened as Tammy told him about all of her fears and insecurities about her insecurities and fears. She was scared of losing him and of being a bad mom because she felt like she really didn't have a really good example of what a good mom was. Teddy had gotten way more than he had bargained for. After a few moments, the doctor touched Teddy's shoulder.

"Tamera, thank you for sharing with us what was behind the black door you have the choice of locking some of these memories away or leaving the door open. It's your choice."

"I'll keep a few and lock the rest away," she whispered softly.

"Are you ready to rejoined Teddy and I?"

"Yes," she answered quickly.

"Okay look towards your left there should be a white door. Open the door and then your eyes." Tam opened her eye and looked at the doctor and Teddy. She frowned at him a little bit. She wasn't mad at him. She was a little perturbed he went through all this to get inside her head and she felt completely exposed.

"How was that Tamera?" The doctor asked.

"It was interesting and you're right, it was the deepest I've slept in months. I don't know if I would do it again though," Tam confessed as she got up and stood beside her husband.

"I understand. Most sessions aren't as intense as yours. Most people are just trying to find inner peace so they can rest and not bring the subconscious into the conscious world. However, I hope this is beneficial in your relationship and I will give you my card and see you two out."

The couple exited the office and entered the elevator to the parking garage. Teddy was at a loss for words which was rare. He only grabbed Tam's hand and Tam pulled away from him.

"I'm not mad but I'm not the happiest I've ever been with you Teddy. I need a minute," Tam fussed at low tones and Teddy could see that her mind was at work. He wanted to discuss so many things with her but he knew now was not the time. It would take her home and hopefully the surprise there would make everything right.

Author's Note: Someone asked for the black door. Here it is! I hope you enjoyed it there is one more little closing piece and I will try to be quick about posting it. Let me know what you think!