Chapter 2

I let them lead me; my body was on autopilot. I would do what they asked, but I didn't speak.

They took me to the female bathrooms and used the shower there. They stripped me, a thought crossing my mind as I looked down at the garment they had thrown on the ground. I questioned my choices of the almost full leather bodysuit I had been wearing. I guess dead me liked that style. I wanted to burn it.

Lissa stood me under the showerhead and turned on the water, fiddling with the temperature, then grabbing soap. I didn't realise I had blood on me until I saw it washing down the drain. Was that from the fight? I was so focused on taking Lissa that I couldn't remember if I had killed any of the guardians that were there.

Did I kill someone that I knew?

Lissa scrubbed my hair. It was soaked in sweat, tears, blood and vomit. I took so much pride in my hair, but now I couldn't care less.

Once Lissa was done, she dried me with a towel. If I weren't so locked in my mind, I would have felt embarrassed about her bathing me. I had no more energy to deal with more emotions.

My mother returned to the bathroom, a bundle of clothes in hand. "Your room is ready."

Room? I was still expecting to be locked in a cell.

They helped me dress in a short-sleeve shirt and long pyjama pants. They were soft and familiar. I looked down for a while before realising that they were mine, from before.

"These are mine."

They were both surprised when I spoke.

My mom responded first, "Yes, I took them from your room. Did you want something different?"

I shook my head, "I didn't think…." I didn't think they would keep them. I figured that they assumed I was dead for good and had thrown everything away.

Lissa seemed to guess my train of thought, "I kind of wouldn't let them throw any of it out." She turned away. Was she embarrassed? I couldn't tell. The bond was still being overpowered by my own emotions that I couldn't get a good feel of hers. Not sure what to do, I just nodded.

"Let's go to your room. You should sleep." My mother took my hand this time to lead me. I felt like a child constantly having to be guided around, but I didn't have the energy to do much else.

I followed them out of the bathroom, we walked down the hall and went up a floor, but I couldn't be sure. I don't even think I could remember the way back to the bathroom. It was all blurring.

We came to a stop outside a door. A guardian was already seated in the hall; he nodded at us as we entered the room. The look he gave me wasn't friendly.

Inside the room were a bed, a tall dresser, desk, and another chair with a guardian seated, Alberta.

"The guardian outside and in here are precautionary, just until we are sure…." Alberta seems unsure of how to finish the sentence.

"Until you are sure I won't kill anyone?" I supplied. From the look on her face, I guessed right.

"Rose," my mother started, but I cut her off.

"Why aren't I locked away in the cells?"

Alberta cocked her head to the side, studying me for a minute. "Do you think you should be locked in the cells?"

"I think I should be dead." Lissa opened her mouth to disagree. "No, I don't deserve to be alive after what I did."

Lissa looked ready to cry. My mother stepped towards me, hands taking hold of mine as she looked me in the eye. Her's were rimmed red. She looked exhausted. "Rose, I know it doesn't feel like it, but that wasn't you. That was a monster, that wasn't you."

I held her gaze, "Are you sure?" My voice broke. I wasn't challenging her; I wanted confirmation. I needed to know I wasn't that anymore. I couldn't trust myself anymore.

"You aren't Strigoi anymore, Rose. But you aren't totally out of the woods yet. We need to make sure that you are okay. We are doing this for you." Alberta stood next to Janine, her hand on my shoulder.

My mother and mother figure both looked at me with such strong emotion. I think it was love, but I didn't deserve that anymore. I decided to relent. It was becoming too much again, and I didn't want to have another panic attack.

Pulling away from them both, I sunk into the soft mattress of the bed. I recognised the bed covers. I felt the bed dip beside me. I know it's Lissa without looking at her.

"I know I can't possibly understand what you are going through, but just remember you aren't going through it alone. We are all here for you, and we are all so thankful to have you back." She has tears in her eyes, but her smile is happy, happy to have me back.

"Thank you, Liss, for bringing me back from the dead. Again."

Lissa lets out a laugh, "It's what I do."

Alberta retakes her seat against the wall, "Sorry to cut this short, but Rose should get some sleep, as should you, Miss Dragomir."

Sleep. I was scared of what I would dream about. I turned to Lissa, "I can't sleep. I can't..."

She must have seen the fear in my eyes. She gently framed my face with her hands, so all I could see was her. I can feel the pull before she speaks, "It's okay, Rose. Sleep."

My eyes closed before I hit the bed.

It hurt to move.

Not the kind of hurt from being injured, but from stiffness in my limbs. How long had I been asleep? What had happened? My mind was blank.

The creaking of wood startled me from my thoughts. Without thinking, I sprung up, crouched and ready to fight whoever was in my room. My eyes adjusted quick.

Stan.

What was Stan doing in my room?

"Is that you in there, Hathaway?" His voice had an edge to it. I could tell his body was tense, ready to spring.

I tilted my head at the weird question. What did he mean?

Then it hit me. Memories came back to me. Everything. It was like a physical blow to me. I doubled over, curled into myself. Becoming small.

Stan must have noticed the change. He relaxed into the chair again, though not completely. He put his hand to his ear and spoke in hush tones. I was confused before realising he was talking into his earpiece. He was probably telling everyone that I haven't killed him yet.

I crawled back under the covers. I didn't want to look at him guarding me. I turned to face the wall and pulled the covers up to my chin.

There was silence for some time before I heard my door open, the person didn't speak, and neither did Stan. I guess it was time for the shift change.

The sound of a tray being placed on the dresser next to the bed pulled my attention. Without really looking, I rolled over to see what they bought with them.

I froze. My eyes widened. The ice-cold feel of fear took over my body.

Dimitri stood in front of me, a glass of orange juice in hand.

He was silent, holding the glass towards me. He wanted me to take it, but I couldn't move. His face was blank. He had his guardian mask up.

When I didn't take the glass after a minute, he took a step closer to me. My body reacted without me thinking. I crouched on the bed again, but unlike with Stan, I wasn't ready to fight. I was pushed as far against the wall as I could. I must have looked like a scared animal to him.

The girl he knew was gone, I thought, mourning her as well.

His mask broke for a second before returning. It was too quick for me to really read his emotions. I looked away from his eyes. I don't deserve to look at him.

"Please, Roza."

My name from his lips felt like warm honey, it would always make me feel better, but now it also reminded me of my regrets.

Dimitri was chained to the bed. I could tell he was trying to gain control of himself again, to push through endorphins from my bite.

I enjoyed his struggle.

His eyes focused on mine. Love — hope — fear. Flickering from one emotion to the next.

"Oh, comrade, why do you fight it so much. Think how good it will feel when you give in." I purred into his ear. I straddled his hips, pressing as much of myself against him as I can. My fingers danced down the scarred skin of his neck.

He swallowed nervously. He knew what I wanted to do. He wanted to fight it, but he had developed a need for it. Just like I had when Lissa had fed off me when we were on the run. I enjoyed the power it gave me. He was weak against me.

"Please, Roza. This isn't you."

I let out a deep laugh. "When will you learn Dimitri, this is me, and you are mine." I moved down and sunk my teeth into his neck. His strangled cry turning to a moan.

I squeezed my eyes against the memory. "No, no, no…." I did terrible things to him, so many horrible things. My hands came up and started pressing against my head. When that didn't work, I began to hit myself. I have to hurt myself.

"Rose! Roza, stop!" Dimitri had my hands in his iron grip, "Please stop hurting yourself." He tried to catch my eyes, but I refused to look at him.

"I hurt you!" I shouted back at him. A sob ripped out of my mouth before I could silence it.

"That wasn't you. Please, look at me."

The plea in his voice broke me, and I couldn't resist him. I slowly moved my eyes up, from the bed to our hands, eventually to his eyes. There was so much in them, too much. "Why are you here? You shouldn't be here." I was feeling the fight leave my body. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I don't have the right to do that anymore.

He could feel my body going limp, releasing my hands. I let them fall to the bed as I let tears fall down my face.

"Oh, Rose." He wiped the tears as they fell.

I couldn't look at him anymore. I turned away, pulling my face away from his hand. His hand moved to follow but stopped. He stood back up to his full height.

"You need to drink this. You need to give your body some nutrients." He held the juice towards me again. After a moment of hesitation, I reach for the glass, careful not to touch his fingers as I took it.

He stood and watched me as I sipped the juice. It burnt going down my throat, which I realised was still sore from throwing up the previous night. At least, I think that was just the night before, but from how stiff I felt, maybe it had been longer.

I took another sip, "How long was I asleep?"

"Almost eighteen hours, we were starting to get worried when Stan told us you woke up."

I nodded, surprised myself that I slept so long. "Well, despite what they say, I didn't sleep when I was dead." I wasn't sure if I was trying to make a joke or an explanation.

The only response I got was the tray of food being placed in front of me. "You should eat. I made sure to get something that would be easy on your stomach."

He was right about that, plain piece of toast, apple sauce, and what looked like an egg-white omelette. I knew there was no way I could finish all this food and told him so.

Dimitri had moved away to sit in the seat Stan had vacated. "Just do the best you can."

I continued to drink the orange juice; the sight of the food made me feel more nauseous than anything. I guessed my body had moved past hungry to just upset. But he was right; I need to eat.

Ignoring the toast after what happened with the sandwich, I took a small spoon of apple sauce. I wasn't a big fan of it. It always made me think about baby food and used to make aeroplane noises when I saw Mason eatting it.

I made a face as I put the spoon in my mouth and swallowed. Yep, that was just baby food. Bad baby food.

"Good."

I peeked over at Dimitri; he was watching me over one of his well-used novels. I tried to ignore the happy feeling spreading through my body at his praise. It gave me the strength to take another bite.

I had almost eaten all of the applesauce when there was a knock at the door. A second later, Lissa opened the door peering in. Her eyes locked on mine, a big smile spread over her face. She quickly crossed over to the bed and sat on the edge. Christian and Eddie hovered by the entrance, shuffling on their feet like they were unsure about entering.

"I'm so happy you're awake. I was worried that I had put too much in the compulsion." I could feel her worry through the bond. I gave her an easy smile.

"It's fine, and I obviously needed the sleep." I lifted the spoon back up to my mouth, making another face at it.

"And look at you eating! I'm so proud of you." Lissa clasped her hands together.

I snorted at her, "Gee, thanks, mum."

That got a chuckle out of Eddie, which seemed to break the barrier holding the boys back, both taking steps into the room and becoming more comfortable.

I released a breath I was holding. I hadn't realised how worried I was that they were scared of me until that moment. I looked down at the food tray with a frown. I was going to have to deal with people being afraid of me, of what I was.

"Your hair is a bit wild, isn't it?"

I turned to Lissa, then tried to look at the hair draped over my shoulder, "Is it? I haven't really looked at it."

She ran her fingers through the tangled curls. "Want me to braid it for you? Be easier to take care of for now." I thought it over and agreed. I barely had the energy to bring my hand up to my mouth to eat. I can't imagine trying to tame my hair. Lissa stood up from the bed and crossed the room to a door by Dimitri. How did I not notice that door before?

"What's that?"

Lissa gave me a funny look, pointing at the door, "The bathroom?"

My mouth formed a silent 'O'.

"Did you hit your head out there or something?" Eddie joked, but I could tell it was strained and forced.

"I just assumed with showering in the communal ones last night that there wasn't one here." I felt awkward and couldn't look at anyone's face. "I haven't looked around." I finished quietly.

Lissa returned from the bathroom with a hairbrush and two hair ties. "We did that because your room wasn't ready yet. We were giving time for Guardian Belikov to set everything up." She sat back down on the bed, this time behind me and started to fiddle with my hair.

Dimitri set up my room?

His hands have touched everything.

I flashed him a look. He looked flustered. "Guardian Petrov did most of it. I just carried the boxes." He quickly explained, eyes returning to his book.

I felt a little dumbfounded. Dimitri and Alberta set up my room, Lissa kept all of my things. Not that I ever expected to be back at the Academy, but I definitely didn't expect this. After being Strigoi, I thought my return to the school would be as a dead body with a stake-shaped hole in my chest, brought back only to be buried.

"Rose?" Lissa leant forward; uncertainty and worry pulsed through the bond.

I quickly scanned the room and realised all eyes were on me. I must have been quiet for too long. "Sorry, I just have a lot of thoughts, and questions I guess."

"What do you want to know?" Dimitri's voice was even, I could tell that he was trying to make me feel safe. Or maybe just his voice alone makes me feel safe.

I met his eyes; how he could look at me and not flinch, I didn't understand.

Though he had no scars from me, I'm guessing Lissa healed him; I could see where they were. Everything I had done was burned into my mind. I lost my nerve and shook my head, "Nevermind, I don't have any right now." I thought I saw disappointment flash in his eyes but couldn't be sure. I scooped the last of the applesauce in my mouth before someone could ask me anything else.

"There, done." Lissa draped the two braids over my shoulders, "You look like Pippie Longstockings."

"Or Wendy's." Christian joked.

I shot him a look. I looked back at Lissa, running my fingers along the braid, "Thanks, Lissa, this is much better."

"Happy to help." She smiled back at me.

I did a double-take when I saw it on the corner of her white collar. It wasn't very big, and I doubt I would have noticed it before. Blood must have dropped when she was at the feeders.

My breathing picked up again. Worry coursed through the bond. All I could focus on was the blood. Memories flashed before my eyes.

"Rose?"

It was becoming too much. I could feel my stomach roll.

I moved away, going to lean forward off the bed to not throw up on myself when a container is placed in my hands just in time to catch what little was in my stomach.

I couldn't help the sobs that escaped, each one powerful enough to shake my body.

"It's okay, Rose, I've got you."

Someone was whispering to me, I could feel Lissa rubbing my back, but it wasn't her talking to me.

It was Dimitri.

He crouched on the floor in front of me. He was the one that gave me the container, I realised. Him caring for me like this made another sob rip from my body. The way he was looking at me, I could almost pretend that the last couple of months never happened. But I couldn't do that.

I finally managed to calm my body, Dimitri taking the container away from me and the forgotten food tray. "Are you okay? Was it the food?" He wiped a tear from my cheek for the second time today.

I shook my head, "Lissa… blood on her shirt." I managed to get out. I couldn't think of it.

I heard her gasp behind me, the bond flashing with regret. "I'm so sorry, Rose. I didn't realise."

I didn't want her to stress about it, reaching a hand behind me and clasping hers. "It's okay, Liss. I just can't look at it."

"Of course, Christian, pass me my bag." She moved to the end of the bed, rummaging through her bag to grab a makeup wipe.

My mouth felt gross. I felt gross. I looked up at Dimitri, "Can… can I use the bathroom?"

He seemed shocked by my question at first, "Of course, Rose, this is your room." He moved out of the way, allowing me space to stand. He offered me a hand, but I ignored it.

I quickly stumbled to the bathroom, my legs still stiff after sleeping so long. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it. I considered locking it, but that might make them worried I was going to hurt myself again. From the silence of the other room, I guessed they already thought that. They were listening for my breakdown.

Pushing away from the door, I grasped the sink. I spat what was left in my mouth. Turning on the tap, I rinsed my mouth and then splashed water on my face. It helped. It grounded me.

Finally feeling clean, I stood up. I saw myself in the mirror.

This was my first time seeing myself since…

My skin was darker again, a little paler than I was before I was turned, but at least I didn't look like a corpus anymore. What I noticed more, though, were my eyes.

They had a red ring around the pupil.