Chapter 3

What I noticed more, though, were my eyes.

They had a red ring around the pupil.

My hand flew up to the mirror, hitting where my eyes reflected.

I didn't even feel the impact with the glass. It shattered out, some pieces falling to the ground around my feet. Half of it stayed stuck to the wall, the cracks spider webbing.

I could see one eye. The red was gone.

The bathroom door was ripped open, the hinges probably hanging on for life. Dimitri stood at the ready in the doorway, eyes taking in the scene in front of him. I stared at him as his expression changed from battle-ready to concern.

"Rose."

It was barely a whisper, but I could hear the concern, the fear, in his voice. Fear of me or for me, I wasn't sure.

I could hear the other three asking questions, trying to see around Dimitri's tall form that blocked the doorway. I turned back to the mirror. I had to look at my eyes, had to make sure they were still clear.

"My eyes are brown," I whispered to myself. I glanced at the door; he had heard me. Dimitri tilted his head, confused. Before he couldn't ask, Lissa cried out.

"Rose, your hand!"

Dimitri's eyes snapped down to my hand, sharply inhaled. I followed their gazes to my hand. I had cut running from my palm to my wrist, blood running down my fingers and dripping on the floor.

"I didn't even feel it," I say more to myself than the others. I step towards the doorway only to have Dimitri's arms encircling my waist and lift. I was still in a state of shock that I didn't react until he already had me placed on the bed. "Why did you do that?"

"There is glass on the ground, and you're barefoot." He replied; his voice was thick, his accent stronger. He must be angry. The accent became more prominent when his emotions took over.

Eddie rushed over with a towel. Dimitri took it and pressed it against my hand. "I need to clean up the blood so I can check for any glass," I wondered if he was explaining it for my sake or his, "then you can heal her." He nodded at Lissa; she was perched next to me on the bed. I didn't even notice her.

I felt like I was on autopilot again, almost an out of body experience. I don't know if it's from the shock of what I saw in the bathroom. Or thought I saw.

Or was it because of how Dimitri reacted? Taking care of me like it was the most natural thing in the world.

How did I deserve this man, who after everything was still by my side like before? My thoughts turned to the night in the cabin, how perfect everything was before it all turned so wrong. He lost what he treasured most that night, and then I tried to take what he had left, his soul.

How could you forgive me so quickly?

I came back to myself, Dimitri staring intently at me as his thumb stroked my cheek. I felt a trail of moisture. Was I crying again?

"Rose?" His eyes never leave mine. All I could read in his expression was love.

Something inside of me broke, a wave of anger overcame me. The feeling grew stronger until it was all I felt, my blood pulsing in my ears so loud I couldn't hear what they were saying anymore.

I wanted them to stop caring for me. I wasn't worthy anymore. I wanted to be alone. I should be alone.

"Get out." My voice was barely above a whisper.

They continued fussing over my hand, not noticing.

I raise my voice and yanking my hand away from Dimitri, "Get out."

The four of them paused; there was an edge to my voice that wasn't there before. Something that made Lissa lean back, Christian's hand on her shoulder. Maybe he was wary of me.

They should be.

Lissa tried to reach for my injury, "Rose, we just need to take care of this first." I could tell she was trying to soothe me, and it made me angrier.

I dodged her, moving my body away from them all, "I want you all out now."

"Rose?"

"I want to be alone ." I made sure to harden my voice; I didn't want to argue. This rage inside of me felt like when I had taken too much darkness in the past. Like then, I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't know if I could control it.

Her emotions crashed into me like a wave, her confusion, hurt, and fear. Feeling her fear made my breath catch. I had to make them leave before I lost control.

"Just get out!"

They flinched away. Lissa's fear spiked.

I retreated more, angling my body away so that I could no longer see them.

After a moment, I heard Christian coax her off the bed, "Let's go. We can come back tomorrow."

I didn't breathe until I heard my door close, letting out a ragged sigh into the now empty room. It hurt to breathe with the emotions weighing on my chest.

A gasp escaped me as a large hand took hold of my still bleeding one. My eyes darted up to Dimitri; he was still in front of me. How didn't I notice his presence? I tried to draw my hand back, but he kept it clasped in his own. "What are you doing?"

"I'm taking care of you." He didn't look up, focused on cleaning the blood with the towel still in his hand.

"I'm fine. Just leave it. I don't need you to take care of me!" I could feel my anger burning again. Why did he have to be so persistent? Can't he take a hint?

He let out a humourless laugh, "What about this looks fine to you, Rose? This isn't like you."

"Well, excuse me for not handling coming back from the dead well. But please do tell me how I should be acting!" I wanted to lash out at him, "Should I be pleading for you to hold me and make everything better?"

He remained silent. The longer I was around him, the better I was at reading his emotions again. Like right now, I could tell he was holding himself back.

"That's not what I meant."

"Can you just leave me alone right now?" I turned away from him.

"No."

I bit my tongue. I wanted to scream, to break something. "I don't need you! I can handle it on my own."

"Can you not act like a child right now and just let me help you!" His calm facade breaks again.

My chest is almost heaving as I try to breathe through the rage. I clenched my fist. He will always see me as a child. I almost let out a bitter laugh. Does he not realise? I had killed so many innocent people. I was no child.

I shifted my eyes enough to see Dimitri stalk away from me and into the bathroom, returning with a first aid kit.

Not what was typically in a student's room. They must have expected that something like this would happen.

I didn't know what irritated me more, them assuming that or that they were right.

He pulled out a bandage and tape, retaking my hand in his firm grip.

"What scared you?"

He seemed so focused on what he was doing that for a second, I thought I had imagined his question, "What?"

"What scared you so much that you hit the mirror." He kept his eyes down.

Should I tell him what I saw? Wave my crazy flag. Maybe that will get me put in the Academy cells. I decided against telling him, "What makes you think I was scared. Maybe it pissed me off."

His eyes locked on mine. I couldn't hold his gaze. "When I opened that door, you were scared."

"You're wrong."

"Roza."

"Stop calling me that!" I shocked myself with how loud I was, but he had to know, "That name was for when you were talking to the girl you loved, that naive seventeen-year-old high school girl that thought she could handle anything! That thought that everything was going to be fine. Well, news flash Dimitri, I am not that girl anymore!" I bite my lip. I won't cry.

"You will always be my Roza, no matter what."

This time I did laugh; it sounded dead, chilling. I levelled my gaze with his, "Really, even when I had you chained up. Was I your Roza then?" I saw the pained expression pinch his eyes. I was hurting him. Good. "Or how about when I fed off you even though you begged me not to." I continued in an almost sickly sweet voice. The same voice I used when I had him in that room.

Hate me, Dimitri. Don't love me anymore.

I leant closer to him. I could almost feel the warmth radiating off his body, "You should just leave me alone before I hurt you again."

I expected him to recoil even more, but instead, a look of resolve settled over him. "No. I will decide when I am done, not you."

Why was he so stubborn! "Dimitri-"

"It wasn't you! That wasn't you." He moved closer, hand framing my face, "You would never hurt me like that on purpose. You are still my Roza. And I love you no matter what. I lost you once, and I will not lose you again."

I wanted to scream that he was wrong. "How could you know that? How could you possibly know!"

"Because I know you." His voice sounded broken, unshed tears in his eyes. Both of his palms rose to cradle my face. He felt so warm. He felt safe.

Just like at the cabin, he was able to calm the rage inside me, his presence pushing the darkness within me away.

A tear slid down my face, "I'm sorry..." His eyes widened; he wasn't expecting that. I wasn't either. The words just slipped out of my mouth. "I'm sorry."

He shushed me as tears fell. "Rose, it's okay."

"I'm sorry." I wasn't talking about the mirror or our fight, I realised. I looked into his eyes, praying he would understand. "I'm sorry."

Those two words kept coming from my mouth over and over like a prayer. In a way, it was one. I would never accept it, but I wanted forgiveness for what I did to him.

"Dimitri, I'm so sorry." I was crying so hard the words were a struggle to get out without a sob or hiccup interrupting them. This sadness came as quickly as the anger left. I was feeling whiplash from how quickly my moods switched, "I'm so- sorry, Dimitri... I'm…*hic*...sorry."

The rest of my words became muffled by his chest. He pulled me into him, wrapping himself around me like a protective shield like his body could stop anything from hurting me again. I gripped onto him and took comfort from him that I felt wasn't mine to have anymore.

I don't know how long he held me. At some point, he managed to lift me so that he was on the bed with me in his lap. Gently rocking me and whispering in Russian against my hair. I didn't know what any of it meant, but I could feel the emotion behind it, the love in his words.

I slowly brought my eyes to his, and he gave me a sad smile. "Hi."

I cleared my throat; all the crying had strained it, "Hi."

Dimitri stopped rocking and studied my face. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Honestly?" He dipped his head in encouragement, "No, but also, strangely, yes." I couldn't predict how my emotions were going to sway anymore, no more than I could control them, "I'm messed up right now, aren't I?" I focused on my bandaged hand. The second time I had hurt myself since being brought back.

He shook his head, somehow hugging me closer to his body, "Roza, so much happened to you. You have had a trauma and need to process it."

I snorted, "All I seem to do is have trauma lately." Ever since the car accident, it's like my life has been non-stop fighting. I've kept having to overcome something.

Will I overcome this, or will it break me?

I must have spoken that last thought out loud, "You will. You just need time and to accept help from others without pushing them away." He caught my eyes. I knew he was talking about earlier.

Remembering the fear Lissa had felt made me uncomfortable in my skin. I climbed out of Dimitri's embrace, happy that he didn't try to stop me. I needed to move around, I wanted to run, though I doubt I would be leaving this room any time soon, so I settled for pacing the length of the room. Dimitri waited patiently, understanding that I needed to arrange my thoughts.

I needed to apologise to my friends, that much I was sure of. I most likely also needed a counsellor, but I wasn't ready to take that step. Above all, I just wanted things to go back to normal, that I could just wake up in my old room, training with Dimitri, classes, hanging out with friends.

I paused mid-stride, facing Dimitri, he would tell me the truth, "Will things ever go back to how it was before?" It was a loaded question. I knew there was no easy answer, but maybe he could give me one. I wanted to ask him to lie to me for a brief moment, but that isn't what Dimitri does.

He sat and thought over the question, contemplating an answer.

He released a sigh. I wasn't going to like the answer.

"No." I expected that, but it didn't stop the feeling of my stomach dropping to my feet. "Too much has happened to you and those you know to ever go back to how it was. You will have to find your place again and most likely have to fight harder than before to keep it." He stood from the bed and joined me in two long steps. "If anyone could do it, it's you, Rose."

I could feel my lip tremble. How I have anything left to cry, I have no idea. "You think so?"

"I know so." He rested his forehead on the top of my head.

I stood and just breathed him in. Still amazed by his effect on me, he has such a power over me that both frightens and thrills me. He could break me. But I knew he never would.