Chapter 4

My body slumped against Dimitri, his muscular form easily taking all my weight. I felt drained.

As my jumbled mind finally calmed, I could feel my body more, mainly my stomach. It was clenching from hunger, and my throat felt like sandpaper when I swallowed.

Dimitri picked me up like I weighed nothing and deposited me on the bed. He pulled back and studied my face, "You need to eat and drink something after…. well,"

"After I cried a river on your shirt?" I filled in for him, eyeing the noticeable wet patches on his black shirt. "Sorry about that, comrade."

He gave me a small smile that made my insides feel like jelly, "It's just water. It will dry. Stay here I'll be right back." He held his hand out to me as you would to a dog.

I rolled my eyes, "Where would I even go?" He raised an eyebrow at me, his eyes repeating the message of stay and left the room.

I flopped back onto the bed, letting my muscles fully relax. I wished the dorms had bathtubs; a nice long soak sounded great. Maybe a backrub.

My mind was still rushing with all my emotions, still feeling their overwhelming presence. But the calm that Dimitri had brought me quelled them enough not to feel suffocated. I could even feel more of the bond which had been buried whenever Lissa wasn't near.

She was upset, I could tell that much, but it seemed to be more at herself than me. Regret floated through as well. I wanted to know why, if her regret was coming from the action of bringing me back. I allowed myself to slip into her mind.

Lissa sat on her bed, playing with a loose strand on the hem of her skirt. Christian lounged beside her.

Breaking curfew, I see.

He patiently watched her, waiting for her to collect her thoughts.

"Do you think she noticed?" My heart clenched at how small her voice sounded.

Christian clasped her hand, stopping her from pulling the string, "I doubt it with everything else she is feeling," he continued. "Even if she did, she wouldn't hold it against you."

Lissa's vision became blurry; she was crying, "How could I even think that! I'm a terrible person."

Christian tugged her down to lay next to him. She stared at the ceiling, "You're allowed to be scared, Lissa." He wiped away the tears that escaped.

"Not of her, I'm not. It's Rose. She's my best friend."

"And she can be a bitch sometimes."

She shot up and glared at him. Anger pulsed through the bond, "Christian!"

He held his hand up in surrender, "What I'm saying," he starts slowly, "is that getting angry and yelling at people is what she does, what she always has done." His hands guided her back down to the bed. "You just need to prepare yourself for her acting out like that, and she has a lot to process. Who knows what she saw or did when she was a Strigoi."

Lissa flinched at the mention of what I was. She let his words sink in. She knew that my way of coping often is to react in anger. "I just can't believe I was afraid of her. I guess I just hoped everything would go back to how it was before."

He ran his fingers through her hair, "Just give her time, and if she needs space, then we give her that too."

My door closed. Pulling myself out of Lissa's mind, I glanced up to see Dimitri, a dustpan and brush in one hand and a water bottle in the other. He threw the bottle at me, which I managed to catch, just barely. "Drink."

"What's that for?" I pointed at the pan. He opened the bathroom door and crouched. It clicked. He was cleaning up the glass. I rose from the bed, "Wait, I'll do that."

He turned and fixed me with a stare, "Sit and drink the water. Now." I lowered back to the bed.

He kept staring at me. I picked up the water bottle, opened the cap and took a sip. Satisfied, he nodded and went back to sweeping the tiled floor.

If he wanted to clean, then who was I to fight him on it, though I could tell I would have made it two steps and crumbled to the floor. Even sitting up was making the room dance a little. I needed to eat.

The water at least cooled my throat. I didn't realise how much of a thirst I had, swallowing in gulps.

The bottle was pulled away from my mouth, making a little pour down my chin. "What?" Dimitri stood in front of me holding the bottle, "I was drinking that." I reached for it, but he held it up.

"You need to go slowly, or you will upset your stomach again."

"But I'm thirsty." I pouted at him, "First you want me to drink, and then you don't, make up your mind."

He took a deep breath in. "Just sip it. Slowly." He warned, returning the bottle to me. I held his eyes and took a small sip, followed by another.

"Happy?"

"Yes." Picking up the book he had abandoned earlier, he folded his long limbs gracefully back onto the chair across the room. Slipping back into his guardian mode. "I asked them to bring you some broth; it should be gentle enough for you to keep it down."

My hand settled against my stomach. Everything I had eaten so far had come back up each time. All that effort forcing myself to eat the applesauce was for nothing, "Just no more applesauce, I'm not a baby. I need real food, like a burger or fries." My mouth salivated at the thought of a big juicy burger.

Dimitri snorted, "I don't think so."

A comfortable silence settled between us. I liked this.

A knock at the door was followed by my mother entering, a bowl of, I'm assuming, broth and more water bottles in her arms.

With a quick nod at Dimitri, she made her way to me. She kept her face expressionless, but something about her walk made me think she was unsure.

Setting the bottles on the dresser next to me, she lowered herself to the edge of the bed. I could feel an awkwardness like she wasn't sure I would want her there. After a moment, she held the bowl to me. "Guardian Belikov said you were having issues keeping food down. This should be fine."

I took the bowl from her. It was slightly warm, it wasn't a clear liquid, but I could tell it was thinned out. The smell wasn't the most appetising though my stomach didn't seem to care as it let out a loud grumble. My cheeks flushed. Smooth. "Thanks."

I could feel both their eyes on me as I sipped the broth. It tasted better than the applesauce, at least.

I continued to eat it slowly, not wanting Dimitri to tell me off again. I was surprised that I managed to finish the bowl.

"How's that feel?" My mother asked. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dimitri ready his hand on the container at his feet. I placed the bowl in front of me as I felt it settle in my stomach.

"I think we are good. You can be at ease, comrade." My mother clicked her tongue, still not approving my use of a nickname for my mentor. I stretched my arm up to the bottles on top of the dresser, but it was just out of my reach. "What idiot puts a dresser next to the bed instead of a side table," I muttered.

Dimitri was up from his chair and passing me a bottle in the blink of an eye, "That would be me."

I froze, letting out an awkward laugh, "I mean, I guess someone could appreciate it if they had weirdly long limbs like you."

"Rose." My mother chastised.

Dimitri waved her off, "I'll see if I can't get you a table that is better suited to your height then." The bastard smirked at me, "My guard shift starts soon, is there anything you need before I go?" He was addressing my mother.

"No, I think we will be fine." And so another guardian set up to watch me sleep. It creeped me out a little, but I knew there wasn't a chance I could convince them I didn't need the supervision. "Thank you for all your help Belikov."

He dipped his head at her, and with one last look at me, Dimitri left the room. A part of me wanted to call him back as soon as he left. I bit my lip to keep the request at bay.

The comfortable silence I had been in with Dimitri was gone and replaced with an awkward one with my mom.

"So," I glanced over to her. She sat straight-backed in the chair, staring at me, "Didn't bring anything with you to do?"

She tilted her head slightly, "Not much I can do in the dark."

Well, she got me there. "Guess I'm going to try sleep." Once the words passed my mouth, I felt the exhaustion settle in my bone. I was just saying it so that I had a reason not to attempt small talk but now had to fight to keep my eyes open.

"Very well." She stood up to turn off the light. If she was disappointed by the lack of bonding time, she didn't show it.

Now with the room encased in darkness, I settled against my sheets. The faintest line of light around the curtains of the window told me it was sunny out. I hadn't felt the warmth of the sun in months. I feared it would still burn me.

With one last glance to the corner my mother sat, I closed my eyes and let the need for sleep to take me.

My mouth felt wet, warm. The taste was like an aphrodisiac.

Blood .

And fresh at that.

This taste could keep me going for hours, making me want to come back for more. The many bites that covered the majority of his upper body showed that I did.

I couldn't see his face clearly, but those dark chocolate eyes stood out to me in the fog, like a lighthouse on a storming night.

I threw my head back in ecstasy, only to look back down as he whined. My fingers tightened around his throat, feeling his heart race underneath them.

"Poor little Dimitri, you used to be so strong. What happened?"

Those eyes glistened with pain, fear and love. A stray tear fell.

I made his choice for him. Just a bit more pressure was all it took. The sweet sound of his neck breaking was music to my ears.

A sickening laugh bubbled up from my throat. I sat over Dimitri's dead body and laughed.

I heard the screams before realising they were mine.

The room was flooded with light. My eyes adjusted to my surroundings, I was back in my bed. I wasn't there. He wasn't under me. But I could still hear the crack of his neck playing on repeat in my head.

I let out a keening that sounded more like a wounded animal.

"Wyatt, I have this. Rose. Rose, look at me." my mother was in front of me, hands out in a nonthreatening manner.

I was hyperventilating. I couldn't calm myself, "I-I killed him!" inhale. "He's dead!" inhale. "He's dead." I reached towards her with shaking hands. She met me halfway with an almost painful grip, but it helped ground me.

"It was a nightmare, Rose." She soothed me, "It's over now."

I clung to her and cried as I had on the plane after losing Mason. That felt so long ago now.

She let me grip tightly at her shirt while I tried to gain control of myself again. She rocked me gently as Dimitri had.

After a couple of minutes, I had managed to slow my breathing, but the dread the dream had brought choked me, settling like a heavy rock in my stomach. I knew it wouldn't go away until I saw him alive with my own eyes.

My head was in my mother's lap. My fingers twisted up in the hem of her button-up shirt. She didn't try to move me away; instead was leaning against the wall on the bed and brushed her fingers through my hair.

She didn't ask about the dream, and I didn't want to talk about it.

It had felt so real. I remember considering killing him when he first found me after I had turned— awakened.

That's how I kept referring to the change to Dimitri. I could awaken you, trying to sell my sale pitch. I wanted to possess him, not because I loved him. I just wanted him. No one else could have him. I loved him with all my being before I turned. Then I held no love; I was incapable as a Strigoi. And now… I didn't know if I could love like I once did. Did I deserve to feel that kind of love again?

"Rose?" My eyes flicked up to hers, then back down. "Can I get you anything?"

Dimitri.

I wonder if she would get him if I asked? I couldn't bring myself to make the request. I shouldn't worry him more than I have already today. I can't keep leaning on him no matter how much I wanted to. "I'm okay."

I started to feel the need for space again. I needed to learn how to calm myself and get over my issues. At this rate, they will never let me out of here.

Releasing her shirt, I pulled away. I slipped on the guardian mask I used to practice all the time. "I might take a shower."

She looked like she wanted to say something but just nodded her head. "Call me if you need anything."

I left the bed and quickly made it across the room, and closed the door behind me. I wasn't sure if she had heard about the previous bathroom event. I'm glad she didn't ask for me to keep the door open.

I avoided the mirror - or what was left - and stripped my clothes. They clung to my body uncomfortably, sweat-soaked from the nightmare. I paused at the wrapping around my hand, considered taking it off but decided against it. I didn't want to try to wrap it again. I'll just keep it from getting wet.

The spray of the hot water felt amazing. My skin tinged pink from the hot water. I didn't bother to wash my hair or even use my soap. I just wanted to stay under the water and let it wash everything away.

When I returned to my room with a towel wrapped around my body, my mother was gone. Faint voices came from the hallway. Most likely, she was explaining all the screaming.

"If I was clothes, where would I be?" I wondered out loud. If Dimitri did organise my room, then he would have used logic behind his choices.

Opening the first draw on the dresser proved me correct. Underwear. Second draw, shirts, followed by pants. The fourth had a collection of random clothes, and the bottom draw had my school uniform. I smirked; he knew how much I hate that uniform.

Before my mother could return, I quickly pulled on clothes—another comfy shirt and pants.

After wearing nothing but skin-tight clothes as a Strigoi, I only wanted to be in baggy clothes. Another thing that had changed from before.

I searched through the rest of the room. Next to the dresser was a desk with three draws on each side, undoubtedly filled with my many useless knick-knacks. On the top, my books were lined up with the dresser and wall working as bookends.

Above the desk is the only window in the room, it was bigger than the one in my old room. The thick blackout curtains held back all the light from outside except for the thin amount that trickled in on the edges. I almost wanted to touch those rays of light by pulled away from them. Picking up the first couple of books I saw, I settled back on my bed and opened one of the water bottles.

Until I felt more confident in my ability to control my emotions, I wasn't going to sleep.

I never thought I would ever use the meditation book I had before me. Christian had got it as a gag gift for Christmas for me, telling me I could use it to control my anger issues. Maybe there will be something in here that can help me manage my emotions.

I needed them to be able to trust me by myself. And then after that… I wasn't sure what I would do. Do I just go back to classes and try to graduate? I had missed almost two months of classes, less than three months left.

Or should I leave the Academy? Try and disappear into the human world. How do I even know I would be welcomed back in this world after dying and being brought back.

I pushed those thoughts from my mind. I need to get better first, then I'll worry about the after.

I got a few pages deep into my book when my mother returned, pausing in the doorway. "Oh, I thought you would have tried to sleep again."

"Not tired."

"You were only asleep for a couple of hours. Why don't you try again?"

"The amount I slept earlier today is enough. I feel wide awake now." I wanted to drop the subject. I wasn't sleeping again, not now. She accepted my answer and took her seat.

"Okay, if you are sure."

I returned to my book.

I reread the same page three times before I couldn't take the eyes trained on me, burning a hole on the top of my head. I glanced up, and sure enough, she is sitting in the chair, more like a statue than a person staring straight at me. "You know, if you are bored, you don't have to hang around. I promise to behave."

"I'm fine."

"You could do some work or something; you don't have to watch me the entire time." My voice sounded harsher than I intended. I tried to smile so she wouldn't take offence.

As if she didn't realise she had been staring, she looked away, "Sorry, I am still getting used to the idea that you are back."

Now I feel like a terrible person. She had thought she had lost her only daughter; of course, she is staring at me. She must have mourned me for dying and also for being turned. Did she consider searching for me like Dimitri had?

"We had a funeral for you. It was small but nice."

I was not ready for that.

"Vasilisa played Another One Bites the Dust , I didn't agree with the choice, but apparently, you had always wanted that."

I laughed. Of course, Lissa would remember me telling her to play that. Originally I wanted Highway to Hell, but she refused.

"It made your father laugh."

"My father?" I was shocked. He was here? I never met him, but he came to my funeral. That's depressing.

Her eyes softened, "He wanted to be there. I was glad he was able to come."

I looked down at my book. It was strange to hear her mention him; she never had before. "I would have liked to meet him." There had always been a small part that wanted to meet him, that hoped he cared for me and didn't just knock up my mom and leave like many dhampir' fathers.

"You will, I told him what happened, and he is trying to get back."

"Trying?"

"He has a lot of things to tie up… for work before he can come back."

I guess I will have my chance to meet him. I wanted to ask more about him but didn't know where to start, so I simply nodded and focused back on my book.

She continued to stare at me, but I didn't mention it. If this is what she needed to heal; it was a small price to pay.