Chapter 5

I need caffeine. I would say I would kill for a coffee, but that may not be the best way to phrase it.

I had long since given up on the meditation book. It only mentioned things I already knew from trying to learn control of myself when I took the darkness from Lissa, and I couldn't even manage that properly.

I was confident at this point that the only way I could work off what I was feeling was running. I hated it when Dimitri would make me when we started our training sessions, but now I missed it. I miss the silence that would settle over me as I would focus on just making my body take step after step.

I missed being outside.

Though something tells me that I would be as likely to go running as I would to get a coffee right now.

I don't know how long I had been awake at this point. My only way of telling time now is from the light outside the window and by the changing of my guards. Stan being the latest. At least he brought something to do instead of just watching me; he had made use of my desk to do what I'm assuming is grading.

Another telling of time is my delivery of food. Still nothing extraordinary, but the toast and apple slices satisfied my hunger. I do wonder who is choosing these meals and what their obsession with apples was.

In my boredom, I had studied my surroundings to the point that I could picture this room perfectly with my eyes closed. I even knew how many cracks there were in the foundation - thirteen.

Something tells me this room wasn't used often just from how old the furniture looked. The creaking from the chair Stan is currently in is slowly making me insane.

To say I was bored out of my mind would be an understatement.

I had to try to find something to do. I couldn't just keep sitting here. With nothing to focus on, my mind would wander. Memories would come back, ones I wasn't ready to think about, ones I couldn't think about.

Why couldn't amnesia be a side effect of coming back to life?

I was considering starting a conversation with Stan when the bedroom door opened to reveal Alberta and Lissa.

I had peeked into her mind earlier that morning to make sure she was feeling better. Christian must have managed in cheering her up because she felt calmer. I would have stayed in her mind longer, but her class lecture was putting me to sleep.

Alberta greeted me with a nod before she and Stan stepped out into the hall. I made a face. If they were going to talk about me, they should just do it in front of me.

Lissa took a couple of steps to the bed and sat at the end; she didn't look me in the eyes. She focused more on straightening non-existent folds in her skirt. So she was still upset after yesterday.

I couldn't let her stress herself about it, shuffling over on the bed until my shoulder was pressed against her. Happiness and surprise flashed through the bond though she kept looking down. "Christian is right, you know, I can be a bitch." That got her attention.

Now facing me, confused at first before it clicked, "You were in my mind." She didn't sound mad, which I was thankful for.

"You felt upset. I just kind of slipped in out of habit. It's been a while. It's still totally weird."

She laughed, "Still very invasive, though I must admit I kind of missed it." she started to fiddle with her hair, "I missed you."

Nudging her with my shoulder, "I missed you too."

"And for the record, I don't think you are a bitch."

This made me laugh, "That's a lie. You totally do. But you like it."

"You say what you want and don't let others tell you what to do. That's called a strong woman."

It felt like some of the darkness that had settled on my chest lifted, knowing that we can slip back into our friendship with such ease. I can always rely on Lissa to be there for me.

"You have to tell me how you did it." Lissa looked at me, questioning, I elaborated. "How you managed to bring me back."

Excitement and pride passed through the bond. She spun around to sit cross-legged on the bed; I did the same, so we were facing each other. "I honestly wasn't sure if it was even going to work."

"Where did you even get the idea?"

"Actually, your father told us about it." My eyes widen, "He told us about some people who he knew back in Russia that had heard of a spirit user that had restored a Strigoi to life. We weren't sure if it was just a story or not until we asked the users' brother."

So I wasn't the first to be restored. The fact my father found this information had me reeling. "Who was the brother?"

Lissa got a look in her eyes, "Victor Dashkov."

Nevermind, now I'm reeling. "Victor's brother was a spirit user?"

"Is. We found him."

"Wait, we? And how did you find him?"

"Ah Eddie, Christian and I, we may have broken Victor out of prison to find his brother."

If my mouth could open any more from the shock, it would have been on the floor. They broke Victor, the man that had kidnapped and tortured her, out of prison.

"You can't tell anyone about that, though!" Her hand covered my mouth like I was about to shout it out, "No one except for Guardian Belikov knows about that."

"Wait. Where is Victor now?" Her expression made my stomach drop, "Lissa, please tell me he is back in prison."

She avoided eye contact again, "Well, there was a slight issue in Las Vegas."

Las Vegas. "You were in Vegas," My voice had become strained. My hand gained a slight tremor as I remember what happened there. That was where I managed to draw Dimitri, making him chase me.

"Yeah, that's where we met Robert, and he told us about using a silver stake to restore your life. But then we were attacked by Strigoi, and not long after that, guardians found us and brought us back here. We lied and said we were there to find you."

I had been waiting for weeks for Lissa to leave the safety of the Academy wards, and when she had left and I traced her to Las Vegas, I took my chance. But my focus changed to Dimitri when he also arrived. I left a trail for him, knowing he would follow, surprised him and kidnapped him. Then kept him locked up to convince him to turn. I had thought he was close to giving in and had let my guard down, and he escaped.

"After Guardian Belikov told us where you were, I decided I had to try to bring you back. Christian and I were able to get out, and well, you know the rest."

I tried to find Dimitri but instead discovered Lissa just as the guardians had caught up to her again, that didn't stop me from trying to take her.

Then she changed me back. That had been only three days ago.

A question burned in my mind. I took a deep breath to gain the strength to ask, "Did… Did Dimitri tell you what happened? After he was taken." I mentally built up my wall to block the bond. I didn't want to feel any of the fear or disgust Lissa might have about what I did.

She studied for a moment, a knowing glint in her eye. "Not really, just that he knew where you were."

"You healed him, right?"

"He wouldn't let me at first, but he eventually let me. I told him everything about Victor that night. He was the one that figured out that Christian and I had gone after you."

I was torn between being grateful that Lissa had gone to Vegas and found out how to turn me back, but at the same time, I wish she never did because I would never have been able to get Dimitri.

As soon as I thought that, I scolded myself. This wasn't Lissa's fault. I was determined; I would have taken Dimitri sooner or later.

I tried to change the subject, "Kirova must have been so mad at you."

"You have no idea. Luckily, Guardian Petrov convinced her to go easy on us. All three of us have to do cleaning every Saturday for the next three weeks. I think she was happy to have you back."

I smirked at Lissa, "She's becoming soft in her old age." We laughed. A clearing of a throat made us freeze.

"I will gladly change your punishment if you think it's too soft ." Alberta stood at the end of the bed, hands on her hips.

Lissa became flustered. "No, no, I don't think that."

"Yeah, I'm sure Lissa has definitely learnt her lesson and will never run away again." I supplied, I lifted my right hand, in a three-finger salute."Scout's honour."

Alberta rolled eyes at us, how very un-Guardian of her. "You were never a scout Rose. That means nothing to me."

"Technically, I was." I proudly replied. Alberta gave me a look of disbelief.

"It's true, I made us sign up when we were in Portland, but we dropped out after a week," Lissa explained.

I crossed my arms, "Still counts."

Alberta let out an exaggerated sigh, "What a shock; I can't see you enjoying all of that team building."

The door opening interrupted us. I'm going to need more seats if people keep visiting like this.

"Ah, Belikov, can you picture Hathaway as a Girl Scout?" Alberta questioned.

Dimitri paused mid-step. I almost laughed at the look of complete confusion that he wore. "Uh…"

"My thoughts exactly."

Even though I did hate it, I felt the need to defend myself, "Hey, I am all for team building. I'm great at teamwork."

Lissa started to laugh at me, the traitor."It's true she hated it."

"Whatever." I pretended to sulk against the pillows on the bedboard of the bed. Lissa jumped across the bed so that she was pressed against me, poking me in the side until I moved over enough so that she could lean against the pillows as well.

Dimitri gave me a perplexed look, but I waved him off, "Nothing, you need to worry about comrade. Now, did you bring me a burger? I need food that will sustain me!" The easy smile he gave me made my insides melt. The rock in the pit of my stomach finally eased. Talking with Lissa had made me forget about my nightmare; seeing him made me feel better.

"No, but I did bring a present."

That made me perk up, "A present?" My mind ran through possibilities, unsure what he could give me, especially with others still in the room. Of all the things I considered, it was not what he lifted into view.

A side table.

"You know what makes a great present? Chocolates, burgers, coffee, candy," I was listing off on my fingers, "Oh! A chocolate-covered coffee candy."

"With a burger on the side?" Lissa played along.

I nodded enthusiastically, "Exactly."

Dimitri shook his head, "You were complaining you were too short, so this is to help." He placed the side table next to the bed. It was a perfect height to put my food and drinks on instead of on the bed with me. "Will need to rearrange your furniture, but this should do for now."

I smirked at him, "Thank you for the table, and I will ignore the comment about my height."

He gave me a small smile back, but I could see the affection in his eyes. He quickly crossed the room to be beside Alberta. Guardians seemed to always be drawn to the walls of a room, ingrained into us, blend in. "Have you been feeling better today?"

All eyes turned to me, the million-dollar question. I took a second to think over the question. If you didn't count the nightmare earlier and the lack of sleeping, I am doing better than the previous two days. No harming myself, and I have been able to keep everything down. "I am."

"That's good to hear, Rose." Alberta smiled at me.

Deciding to take a chance, I asked her, "It is, so much so that maybe I could leave this room for a little? Maybe even go for a run or two around the track?" I tried to give my biggest pretty please eyes that I knew people had a hard time saying no to.

I could see Dimitri would have said yes almost straight away, but Alberta was unaffected. "I'm happy to hear you are doing better, but we should take things slow. There are still some things we need to sort out before you can roam the Academy."

"People still think that I'm Strigoi." Lissa flinched next to me. I knew that there was no way I would have been allowed the freedom I had before, but I had been hoping to at least be allowed out of the room. I did say I should be in a jail cell. This room is practically the same.

"No one thinks that." Dimitri defended.

"We have never had a situation like this before. We are all figuring it out as we go. Just bear with it for a bit longer." She pleaded with me, not like I could say no.

I tried to hide the disappointment from my face. Lissa squeezed my hand, "Is there something I could bring you?" With a glance at the guardians, she whispered in my ear, "I can sneak you in some real food."

I grinned at her, there was no way she could sneak something to me with my constant watch, but it's the thought that counts. "I could use some coffee, maybe some new entertainment. Just something that I could do in here."

"I can go get you some coffee and snacks now if you want? And I'll bring my laptop. Then you can at least watch movies." Lissa jumped up from the bed, looking at Alberta for approval.

"I will allow that, and now that you are keeping down food, we will arrange something that will, as you put it, sustain you." Alberta conceded. It wasn't outside, but it was a step closer.

"Thank you."

"I'll go get everything." Lissa grinned at me.

"That would be amazing, extra-large, please, lots of sugar." She shook her head at me as she left. I knew she hated when I drank too much coffee, but I needed it right now.

"Well, I stopped by to see how you were. Now I should be getting back. I leave her to you." She patted Dimitri on the shoulder and left the room.

And then there were two.

I began to wonder if Dimitri was becoming exhausted from having to train, guard the school grounds, and watch after me, though his face showed no sign of it taking a toll on him.

I expected him to take the seat and read one of his many western books but instead walked to the dresser and tried to lift it, testing the weight.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he surveyed the room.

He moved the side table away from the bed then began to move what was on top of the dresser to the bed, "I'm moving the furniture."

"You don't have to do that." He had already done so much. He shrugged his shoulder and once again lifted the dresser. While he was strong, really strong, that dresser looked to be solid wood. I rolled my eyes at him. "At least let me help." I stood on the other side and found a good spot for my hands.

About fifteen minutes later, we had moved the dresser to the wall by the bathroom door. Leaving space between the bed and desk for the side table. It gave me a nice feeling to change the arrangement of the room. Making it my own space rather than the prison that it felt like.

It had taken some time to convince Dimitri to let me help him. But he gave in when he realised that he couldn't lift the dresser by himself. I made sure not to get too close to him or touch him. While the nightmare didn't have as much of a hold on me after seeing him alive and breathing, I could still vividly remember it. The feel of him under me, under my hands.

I shook my head. I can't think about it. I was already struggling to keep myself totally under control with how exhausted I was.

As if on cue, Lissa returned, as promised, with her laptop, a bag of snacks, and the largest coffee cup I had seen. She sure does deliver—the intoxicating smell of coffee drifting throughout the room. I could kiss her right now.

"Just so you know, I got the weirdest look when I ordered this, even more so when they saw all the sugar I poured in." She handed me the coffee. I could practically taste sugar on just the steam coming from it.

I let out a small moan, "Liss, you are an actual angel." That first gulp was everything I needed; I welcomed the caffeine with open arms. I could feel Dimitri's disapproval from here. He was more of a hot chocolate man, never liked my need for caffeine. He may be a naturally alert god, but us mear humans needed a helping hand.

"I swear you will be bouncing off the walls with that." Lissa returned to the spot next to me on the bed, both leaning on the pillows against the headboard. She placed her laptop in front of us and the bag on my lap.

I peeked in, nodding in approval at the selection, "I can just stay up all night watching movies with whoever my guard dog is tonight. It'll be like a really weird sleepover." I took a long gulp from the coffee, feeling the giddy effect hit me, "Oh! Maybe it will be Stan. I could even paint his nails."

Dimitri let out a slight cough which I knew was him trying to suppress a laugh. Lissa lightly smacked me on the arm.

"Your mother has asked for the night shifts. She thought you would be more comfortable with that arrangement," Dimitri informed me.

"Doesn't matter who it is; someone just sitting there watch me sleep makes me uncomfortable."

After that, we lapsed in comfortable silence, Lissa and I watching whatever movies she had, mainly chick flicks, and Dimitri reading in silence. We got through two films before Lissa had to leave. She was reluctant, but I assured her I would be fine.

The coffee had taken complete hold of me. I feel like I could bounce off the walls. My body was practically vibrating; I just hoped it would hold me over for the whole night. I continued to watch movies until my mother came to take over guard duty.

I think the coffee took away my filter; when she asked how I was doing, I responded without thinking, "Don't feel like killing anyone so far."

A thick silence followed.

"That's… good."

I couldn't bring myself to care and focused back on the film.

"Will you be sleeping tonight?" She asked, almost pulling off a motherly tone.

I looked over at the empty coffee cup on my table, "Doubt it."

"Maybe you should try to sleep, Rose." I forgot Dimitri was still in the room.

I stared intently at the computer screen, "I'm good."

After a few moments, he sighed, wasn't sure if it was in exasperation or resignation. "Let me know if you need anything." He spoke in a low voice to my mother and left the room.

The credits rolled on the movie before my mother spoke again, "Are you not sleeping because of last night."

Yes, but she doesn't need to know that. I let some of my irritation slip out, "No, I am just still jazzed up on my coffee. It's fine."

"You should sleep." She implored.

"Why? So I can be well rested to just lay in bed all day? If I'm going to be stuck in here, it doesn't matter if I sleep or not." I sounded like a child, but I was already constantly on edge. Add in caffeine and no sleep, and you get a brat.

The reasonable part of me knew that keeping me here was for everyone's sake, not to mention that not everyone would be so willing to believe that someone could come back from being a Strigoi.

But the other part of me hated this constant watch I was under. I would rather them straight out admit that I was a prisoner instead of them acting like I have a choice here.

My life was in their hands, my whole future, and I didn't like losing that control.

After that, my mother relented, and we sat in silence for the rest of the night.

I continued to ignore anyone else that came into my room after that, watching movies and only pausing to eat or use the bathroom. I somehow managed to convince Stan to allow me another coffee. It wasn't as big as what Lissa had bought and obviously instant coffee, but it did the trick.

Lissa didn't come to visit, and I realised it was Saturday, cleaning duty. I felt my mood darken at the idea of not seeing her. Considered slipping into her mind, but it wouldn't have been the same. So I carried on with my movie binge.

By the time it came for Dimitri's shift, I was so far on edge it wouldn't take much to push me over. I had to bite my tongue multiple times not to tell Stan a couple of choice words every time his chair creaked.

The best thing at this point was for me to just not talk to anyone.

My irritation must have shown, though. As Stan left the room, he called to Dimitri, "Good luck with her. She's been an absolute delight."

I gave the finger to his back as he left the room.

"Rose!" Shit. Dimitri saw.

"What? He was a dick." I replied like it was the most obvious thing. Shrugging him off, I returned to the computer. My choice of good movies was meagre. I had just selected one when the screen is pushed down. Before I could react, Dimitri took the computer away. "What the fuck Dimitri?"

"What is wrong with you?" He demanded.

Why was he in such a mood? "I was fine until you took away my only entertainment. What crawled up your ass and died?" I shot back.

I could tell he was frustrated with me and was holding back, "I understand you are upset right now, but that doesn't mean-"

"Upset?" I cut him off, "I'm not upset, I fucking mad, but it doesn't matter what I think, right? I'm just the prisoner here." I knew I shouldn't take my anger on him, but he started it. Now I wasn't sure I could stop myself. I didn't want to.

His expression softened, "Rose, you aren't a prisoner."

"Sure as hell feels like I am. I'm stuck in this room, constantly watched. And I can hear you all whispering about me in the hallway, by the way!" I couldn't actually hear what they were saying, but it doesn't take a genius to guess. "Just admit that you don't trust me already!"

"Rose, it's not that we don't trust you."

"Oh right, it's for my safety, right?" I clenched and unclenched my fist. I needed to hit something or run off my energy, or better yet, sleep.

No! I can't sleep. Especially not with him in the room.

I have to get away from Dimitri.

I could see him preparing to speak, most likely one of his zen lessons. If he tried one on me right now, I would hit him. I lept from the bed and quickly crossed to the bathroom, "Forget about it."

"Rose, what are you doing?"

I threw a glare at him from the doorway, "I'm going to shower. Can I have some privacy to do that, or do you want to watch that too?" His eyes widen at my suggestion. I didn't wait for a response before slamming the door closed.

Turning the water on as hot as it went, I stripped and submerged myself under the spray. I let it run over my body, letting it wash my anger away with it.

Standing in the steaming water, I let my tears fall.