Chapter 8

The clock on the wall was almost deafening in the quiet room. The same room as last time, the same nature pictures on the wall, and the same chair. Is it too much to have a couch put in here instead? Maybe if it were more like the TV shows, I would be more willing to spill my guts.

As it was, I was up straight in a chair, staring ahead at Deirdre in an unspoken game of eye contact chicken. While I hadn't minded the idea of counselling, I didn't expect it to happen so soon. However, I should have expected it.

After my first trip to the outside, I had improved, was able to control the swirl of dark emotions inside and hadn't injured myself since. I mean, other than times I've buried my nails so deep into my palm to draw blood, but that doesn't count. After a couple of days, I realised how much I missed being a student, so I had asked Alberta what the chances were of me being allowed to join classes again.

Imagine my shock when she agreed to it right away. My abilities as a guardian and a sizable donation that someone threatens to withhold if I was denied made the decision easy for her. The catch was I had to attend weekly counselling sessions and makeup classes to reach the same point the other novices were at.

But before I could do all that, I had to get it all signed off by Deirdre.

I had previously had sessions with her before the attack, forced to see her then about the ghost I was seeing. You would think it would be easier to speak to a familiar face. It isn't.

This session was for her to decide if I was ready for being around others again before returning to classes next week. I had expected her to jump straight in with questions, answering those with another question—the usual stuff.

But since I had entered the room, she had been silent, studying me. Her long fingers resting atop her notepad, pen occasionally tapping the paper. She was waiting for me to make the first move.

I glanced at the clock. We had been sitting here for half of the appointment. I'm realising that I need to say something or I will be stuck in that room for however long it takes to organise another appointment. I was already far enough behind in classes.

Taking a deep breath, I asked, "So what's your professional experience with ex-Strigoi's?"

A small smile graced her lips; she'd won. "You would be my first." She adjusted herself in her chair, better positioned to write, "Is that how you view yourself?"

I shrugged, "Well yeah, it's how everyone else will too. May as well get used to it."

"Why do you think that?"

There it is, the question with a question. I hate this. I focused on the carpet between us, "Because that's what I was. I become a murderer."

"Because of what happened when you were turned?" She waited for me to nod in agreement before asking, "Tell me, Rose, what do you know about what happens to the person once they become Strigoi?"

I cocked my head to the side, confused, "What do you mean? They become monsters."

"But what about the person they were? What happens to them?"

I knew what she was getting at, and it's the same argument everyone else had, "It doesn't matter that I was turned, it was still me that did everything."

"Did you have control over yourself?"

I was unsure of how to answer that. In a way, I was, but at the same time, I wasn't.

Spurred on by my silence, she continued, "If you had the choice, would you have done any of the things that you did while Strigoi?"

"No!" I became defensive, "I would have never done anything of those things."

"So you had no control of the situation, no choice; why do you blame yourself?"

I sat with my mouth opened. How does she come up with this stuff? While yes, we have always been taught that Strigoi's aren't the person they were before, it may not have been me in control anymore. It was still blood on my hands. "So what? Should I just act like none of that happened? Some bad dream or something?"

She shook her head, "No, what I am saying is that you need to work through the guilt and blame that you feel for yourself, and to do that; you need to realise that there was nothing you could have done to stop it."

That gave me pause.

"You are just as much a victim here, Rose."

More silence lapsed between us.

Deirdre checked the clock then clicked her pen, "That will be enough for today." She flipped her notepad closed, walking from her chair to her desk. "I have an appointment available for Monday. Let's meet after last period."

I stared slack-jawed at her, "Wait, no," I scrambled from my chair, placing my palms against the front of her desk, "I'm not done. I can keep talking. Just please don't stop me from attending classes. Please! I need this!" I pleaded with her. I can't spend another week doing nothing.

She paused then returned to the paper in front of her, "Our next appointment will be the start of our weekly sessions. If I feel at any point you need to meet more frequently or can't handle your workload; I will be letting Guardian Petrov and the Headmistress know." Deirdre signed the paper, then held it out to me. My form to let my back in classes.

I took the paper from her and read it to confirm she signed off on it, "That's it?"

She smiled, "Hardly, you have a lot to process, Rose, but I do believe that letting you return to your life would be the best in helping you heal."

I nodded at her, a sense of dread and trepidation about our future sessions, but this is the first step I have to take to be one step closer to being Lissa's guardian. I will do everything that I have to to reach the goal I have been striving for most of my life.

After dropping the form off at Alberta's office, I walked around the campus. I had agreed to a late-night session with Deirdre to avoid students, which meant that now the sun was just starting to rise. I took my time making my way from Alberta's office to the guest quarters. Until I was officially a student, I would continue to stay in the room I had been in for the last two weeks.

I still wasn't allowed to walk around without someone with me all the time, especially during class times. At least I no longer had a guard posted at my door, and I could wander the guest quarters whenever I wanted. The best part of that was choosing my own meals.

I loved the freedom I had gained back, though I did miss being able to spend so much time with Dimitri. Even my parents were leaving soon, my mother back to her charge and Abe back to Russia. Both promised to check in often, Abe even hinting at possibly returning in the near future.

I got along with Abe, but there was still something about him that rubbed me the wrong way. Lissa believes that it's because I wasn't used to a parent trying to be in my life so much. She had been enjoying Abe being around, and he included her in our family circle whenever she was around, even inviting her to eat with us tomorrow morning as part of their send-off.

"You're lucky that Petrov didn't see you wandering around after curfew."

I spun around to face the Russian god. No matter how messed I may be after everything, I will always appreciate the man before me. With all our time spent together over this past week of him being my own personal guardian, I made sure to maintain some personal distance. I wasn't ready to jump back into where we were, much to his disappointment. Though he never pushed me for more than I was willing to give. He understood that I had yet been able to see past what I did to him.

There was a part of me that doubted I ever would be.

So we were stuck in a sexual tension limbo of sorts. As much as I may want to deny it, my feelings for him were still there. They were just buried under mountains of guilt and self-hatred.

I put my hands on my hip, "Well, maybe if my guardian had been where he said he would, I wouldn't be wandering around." I shook my finger at him, mock disappointment.

Dimitri brushed the loose strands of his hair back, the rest tied at the nape of his neck, his signature look. "I got pulled away; took longer than I thought it would."

I gasped dramatically at him, "Who could possibly make the great Belikov step away from his charge?"

His lips turned up in a slight smile which I returned with one of my own. "Your father." My smile dropped.

I let out a groan, "What did that old man want now?" Abe had a habit of getting into people's business, I have discovered. Especially in my business, he seems to have taken great interest in the relationship between Dimitri and me. While I never admitted it out loud to him, Abe knew there was something between us, a fact I hadn't revealed to Dimitri yet. Every time Abe came around, I made sure that he wasn't given a chance to interact with Dimitri one on one, but it seems Abe discovered a way around me.

"He invited me to breakfast tomorrow."

"Oh," crap. "You have to say no."

Dimitri shook his head, "Your father isn't exactly a person one can say no to." he explained. "He was acting like he knew something, Rose."

Double crap.

I let out an awkward laugh, "Knew something? What could he possibly know?" When in doubt, play dumb.

Dimitri eyed me. I cursed the fact he could still read me so well, "You tell me."

I couldn't lie now, Dimitri would know, and he needed to be ready for whatever it was that Abe had planned for tomorrow. "Fine, he knows."

I didn't need to elaborate. The only reaction that I received was a widening of his eyes, but for Dimitri, he may as well be shouting. "How?"

"I don't know. He just did. Trust me; I did not tell him."

Dimitri stood in silence, contemplating my big reveal.

"He said he wouldn't tell anyone." I tried to reassure him. "Plus, I doubt he would put me at risk by exposing us."

Dimitri scanned my face, searching for something. "How long have you known?"

I gave him an easy smile, begging him to not be mad, "About a week…."

He sighed, exasperated. "You should have told me sooner." He didn't let his annoyance fully show in his voice or expression. He had been practically treating me with kid gloves this whole week like he was scared anything could set me off, which I couldn't blame him for being wary of.

It is most likely the best course of action, except it makes me feel like I'm being treated like a child.

I ducked my head. My shoes were suddenly fascinating. "My mind was on other things." It was a terrible excuse, and he knew it. I braced myself.

"You're right. I'm sorry."

I rolled my eyes, disappointed. I wanted a reaction of some kind, any kind. Instead, I just got the always the level-headed Dimitri that never let his emotions control him.

I changed the subject before I tried to start another fight, "I got my form signed."

A warm smile settled over his face, "That's great, Rose."

His happiness sucked me in, making me smile as well, the excitement of being allowed back in classes coming back. "Yep, Alberta even said I could continue my training sessions with you, comrade. Come Monday morning; I'm going to kick your ass."

This made him actually laugh, "I look forward to it." A glint in his eye made my face blush.

I couldn't stop my mind from going back to the many training sessions I would try to tease him, do anything to make his feeling for me to show. Back then, seeing even just a little of his attraction for me show through was enough to make my day perfect.

And now…

I cut off that train of thought.

I gestured to the dorms, suddenly not as excited, "Should probably get back, early morning and all that." Real natural Rose .

If Dimitri noticed my shifting of mood, he didn't mention it. He dipped his head and took off at a leisurely pace back to my room. I followed, a little behind him. He didn't try to walk beside me, letting me move at my own pace. He notices these little things and knows to accept them until I am ready. Once again, I'm back to loving him for it and hating him for it simultaneously.

I stood in front of my newly replaced bathroom mirror, staring back at myself. I had put my hair up in a bun with a few loose strands pulled out to frame my face. I wore a tight-fitted black t-shirt and dark washed jeans. My usual outfit choices since returning have all been baggy and loose, which is fine for lounging around or my occasional walks outside. But for breakfast with my parents and friends, I felt it would be frowned upon. Unfortunately, that didn't leave a lot of options from my current clothes. I used to take such joy and pride in my body, not afraid to show my curves. Something that my Strigoi self also did. I can't put on anything form-fitting or revealing without thinking back to that. She ruined that for me, and I don't know how to get it back.

Like today, I have been forcing myself to move past it, and I do until I see myself in my mirror. The shirt felt restricting like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do it.

No, I will do this!

With one last glare at my reflection, I strode to my door. I was going to do it.

My hand froze on the door.

I couldn't do it.

I ran to my dresser, searching through the opened draws for something to put on. I found a moss green sweater; it was nice enough looking and not a close fit. It was perfect. Throwing it over my head, I turned and left my room.

Lissa was already waiting outside my room for me; Christian and Eddie huddled with her at the end of the hallway.

I could feel her excitement at the idea of a family breakfast. I knew how much she missed her own that this was a chance for her to relive some of those happy memories. The fact that this got her and Christian out of cleaning duty was just a bonus.

"Rose!" She waved at me. Our relationship had improved once I stopped trying to hide from her. She pulled me into a warm hug. "You look great, and I love your hair."

I stepped back, "Thanks, Liss."

"Come on, we have to go, or we will be late." She looped her arm through mine and led the way. "So, who else will be there?" Lissa asked.

"My parents, you three, me, and Dimitri." I counted off on my fingers, "Oh and Abe's two guardians."

I felt Lissa's surprise through the bond, "Dimitri is coming?"

Over the week, constantly referring to Dimitri by his first name had prompted Lissa to do the same after asking permission multiple times from him first, of course. I was sure that she would never be brave enough to do it in public.

"Abe invited him yesterday. I think he is up to something, so be on your guard." I warned.

Lissa laughed, waving her hand, "You worry too much, Rose."

There was a glimpse of something in the bond that made me pause, I couldn't decipher what it was, but it felt like she was hiding it from me. I side-eyed her. What could she be hiding from me?

Before I could think of it too much, we had reached the bottom floor. The large building housed visiting families and, at times, guardians. Considering we were midway through the semester, there weren't many families visiting, so it was near empty. The upside of that is we had the dining room to ourselves.

The room was well lit and large; a couple of tables scattered around the room, the one in the middle set up with utensils and table decorations, with a buffet set up on the sidewall. Another smaller table was set up by the door, I'm assuming for Abe's guardians. The buffet had hot plates set out with lids covering them and a collection of drink choices at the end.

Abe strutted towards us, arms opened wide in greeting. "Welcome everyone, just waiting for a couple more and then we shall eat." He dressed in his usual flamboyant style of colourful suit and scarf. "Please help yourself to a drink while I have a quick chat with Rose."

I tried to turn Abe down, but he wrapped an arm around my waist and guided me across the other side of the room. I glanced back to Lissa, telling her to help me with my eyes, and she gave me a thumbs up. She is no help.

Abe steered me to the bay window, the sun now almost leaving the sky, a blend of dark reds and blues.

He stared at me for a few seconds, hand resting on his chin in thought, that wily smile in place. "You look good."

"It's amazing what beauty sleep can do for you. You should try it." I joked back at him. He was a scheming man, but I enjoyed my time with him.

He let out a hearty chuckle, "Therapy looks good on you. I'm sure you are excited for next week."

"It will be good to be back," I admitted. While the idea of going back to school caused anxiety, I couldn't deny the excitement I felt.

His smile had a warmth to it; one could almost call it fatherly. "You will be okay Rose, if these last two weeks prove anything, it's that you are strong. Don't forget that."

His comment threw me off. Considering our short relationship, he had such trust in me. I turned towards the window, unable to look him in the eye. "Thanks, Abe. And thanks for everything you did for me."

He waved me off, "It's what fathers do. Also, Rose," his voice took a serious note making me shift my eyes to him, "this relationship you have with Dimitri."

"Abe-"

"I stand by that I won't tell you what to do. Your mother and I sure never did let anyone tell us what to do." His eyes got a faraway look to them before refocusing on me, "If he is as serious about you as I believe he is, then he will wait for you until the day he dies. That kind of unwavering love is rare, don't be afraid to let him in on everything Rose, if there is anyone that could help you through this, it's him."

I let his words sink in. Were our feelings for each other that obvious to Abe? He was right about one thing, Dimitri would wait forever for me, just as I would for him, as long as he wanted me back. That's what scared me about truly opening up to him about everything I felt. About the darkness that churned inside of me.

Will he still want me if he knew?

Abe rested a hand on the top of my head and inclined it towards him; with a soft kiss to my forehead, he pulled away. "Give it some thought." With that, he left me by the window.

I continued to gaze out as the sun completely disappeared on the horizon, leaving a dark sky glittering with stars.