Chapter 14

She smiled at me, taking a seat in her chair and adjusting her floral skirt, "Shall we begin."

"Yesterday was quite eventful for you, wasn't it?" Deirdre started, notepad and pen at the ready, eyes watching me for any movement.

I sat across from her, as comfortable as I could be in this situation. I had only recently convinced myself to be more open with Dimitri, but I was still a long way from being comfortable with Deirdre. It's not that I didn't think she would be helpful; it was more I didn't know how to open up about everything.

I knew I was balancing a thin line with her. She is the one that decides if I can keep being in classes or if I'm not safe around others, and now with Court involved, I had to consider each word I say.

"I mean, it wasn't that bad." I lied, I had been terrified yesterday, but I wanted others to think of me as strong. I want her to believe I can handle anything.

She tilted her head to the side, "Being locked in a cell and interrogated wasn't that bad?"

"If you put it that way…." I trailed off, glancing around the room.

"How did that make you feel?"

"I don't know."

She leant forward, catching my eye, "I think you do know Rose. You don't need to be ashamed of any emotions you feel. This is a safe space where you can talk about anything."

"Is it?" I questioned. She appeared confused, waiting for me to elaborate, "I mean, anything I say here you will use to decide if I can stay in classes, right? You probably also have to tell Kirova and someone at Court."

"What Guardian Petrov said before is true. Nothing will leave this room. The only time I ever need to tell anyone anything is if I believe you will hurt yourself or others. Other than that, everything stays between you and me." I could tell she was telling the truth; something in her eyes made me believe her.

Was I willing to take the chance?

"I was scared," The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. Deirdre appeared equally surprised but quickly concealed it.

"What were you scared of?"

I took a deep breath, I was putting all my trust into her, and it was terrifying, "That they were going to take me away. Maybe that they were going to find something that everyone else missed."

"What do you think they missed?"

"Like maybe they missed something..." I stared down at my hands, resisting the desire to press my nails into my skin, "That I was still a monster. Like maybe everyone just ignored it because they were happy to have me back."

"Do you think you are?"

She waited patiently while I tried to find my words. "I don't know. I don't think so." I dragged my fingers through my hair. I looked up at her, questioning, "How do I know if I am me again?"

Her gaze softened, "Only you can know that, Rose."

I should have known she wouldn't have a real answer, and she sounded like Dimitri when he would give a zen lesson. I could see the two of them getting along.

"Have you spoken to anyone about what happened during those two months?" Deirdre asked.

"Kind of," I shrugged, unsure what she was getting at.

She shook her head, "I mean, spoken in detail about what happened? What you went through."

I could feel shame spread through my body. I didn't like thinking about exactly what I had done, let alone saying it to anyone. The only time I had was with Dimitri, and that was when I was trying to make him hate me. "No, I don't want people to know about that."

"Talking about it will be the first step to learning how to process it all. I'm not saying to do it all at once. But talking about it to someone can help you. I can be me or someone else that you trust."

If I didn't know better, I would think she and Dimitri were trading notes. Both encouraging me to talk to someone. The only person I could even consider revealing everything to is Dimitri, but he was also the last. "There is someone, but I don't know if I could deal with them knowing about that stuff."

"Is this the boy you mentioned before?"

My eyes snapped to hers; I had forgotten I told her about Dimitri. She had said I only wanted him because he was unobtainable. I knew without question that wasn't why I was drawn to Dimitri. He is able to understand me in a way no one else could. I cleared my throat, "Umm… Yeah."

"And he knows that you were turned?"

Shame returned. He definitely knows, "He saw it first hand."

Deirdre looked like she wanted to ask more about that. I wasn't sure how many knew that I had kidnapped Dimitri; I had him for over a week, surely people noticed his absence. A sudden fear that she would discover it was Dimitri I was talking about made my stomach drop, a student dating a teacher is definitely something that she would have to tell Kirova. If anyone found out they would separate us, send him away.

I started to panic, my heart speeding up.

She must have noticed, moving from her seat to be in front of me, "Rose, you need to slow your breathing. You're having a panic attack," She explained, "Focus on your breath, breathe in and hold it," I followed her direction, "and breath out."

Finally, after a couple of minutes of breathing together, I was able to control myself again. I covered my face with my hands, annoyed at myself.

"How often do you have panic attacks?" Deirdre handed me a glass of water before returning to her chair.

I sipped at the water, enjoying the feel of it soothing my throat, "Not as often as when I was first restored. Something it just becomes too much."

"How about I teach you some ways to calm yourself whenever these attacks happen? I could prescribe some medication that can help as well."

I quickly turned down the offer of medication, I was happy to try other things, but I wasn't taking a pill for it. Deirdre taught me ways to distract my mind when I felt panicked, how to ground myself. With that, our appointment ended.

I felt so drained, I had barely opened up about anything, but I still felt raw.

When I opened my door, I was not expecting Lissa to be arranging my desk. Even more, surprising was Adrian spawned out on my bed reading one of the magazines Lissa had given me.

"Okay, this is weird."

Adrian glimpsed over the magazine, "Little dhampir, do you think I am more of a soul searching adventurer or a shy mysterious man?"

"How about a pain in my ass." I deadpanned.

"No, that's not an option here."

I ignored him, turning to Lissa, "What are you guys doing here?" I asked. Glancing around my room, I realised that everything had been put away, back into the places they used to be in, "Liss, you set up my room."

"I figured you had enough to worry about," She glanced around as well, nervous, "I hope it's how you like it. I tried to remember how it was."

"This is great, Lissa." I smiled, feeling some energy return to me.

"Good, she has seen it, now can please eat," Adrian whined from my bed, throwing the magazine to the side.

Lissa glare at him, obviously reaching her breaking point with him, "We did come to ask if you wanted to eat with us," She looked at me. I could feel through the bond how hopeful she was; she wanted me to go with them, "Be nice to see everyone again."

While I was starving, being in a room full of people that will just stare at me made my stomach knot. "I don't know…."

"Eddie and Christian have promised to glare at anyone that approaches. Christian might even set them on fire just to scare them." Lissa tried again, determined to make me agree. I had to admit that would be fun to see.

Adrian came up behind me and threw his arm over my shoulder, "I could even use compulsion to make them never ask again. It will be fun."

Lissa pouted at me, and I couldn't say no, "Fine, just let me get changed first."

They both readily agreed, saying they will meet me downstairs.

I was pulling on a new shirt when I heard something slide under my door. I narrowed my eyes. There sat a folded piece of paper. I couldn't see a shadow on the other side; whoever slipped the note, no doubt is long gone. I picked up the paper opening it.

The blood drained from my face.

Murderers like you don't deserve to live. Everyone will know.

I read and reread the words. Someone knew the truth. They were not happy about it.

I had stashed the note in the bottom of my desk draw. I didn't know what to do about it. There was a voice in my head telling me to tell Dimitri or Lissa about it. I decided against it; things had just settled, I didn't want to bring in another problem. I'm sure whoever wrote it would stop soon.

I promised myself that if it continued, then I would tell someone.

The letter shook me. Seeing the word murderer written out, calling me what I was. No one else ever called me that; it made the unease in myself rise.

I wished the sun was up so I could stand in it to remind myself that I am good again. I need that proof. I just needed something to prove—

The silver stake.

The one thing I had unpacked before leaving for my counselling appointment. The box was set next to my bed like I had had it before. I crossed my room to it, opening the lid to expose the metal inside. It felt cool against my skin as I wrapped my hand around it.

No burning. I wasn't Strigoi.

I gripped the stake tightly until the unease disappeared. Finally, I could breathe again.

I should have put it back in the box, but I couldn't bring myself to. Instead, I tucked it into the waistband of my pants, my baggy shirt concealing it. I could feel it pressed against the skin of my lower back, a constant reminder. I will have to try to get a holster for it, but for tonight, this will do.

With that, I left my room.

Lissa was not joking about Christian and Eddie scaring off anyone that tried to approach me. They had basically made a shield around me which was quite impressive. Eddie's size and skills as a novice scared people off, and Christian used the wariness people already had of him to his advantage, playing with a small fireball in his hand when he would notice someone staring or approaching the table. Lissa and Adrian chatted away like nothing was happening.

I could almost pretend that things were like before.

Sitting with my friends like this gave me a sense of ease, especially after that note. I couldn't help but wonder who would do that or was even able to get that information. Even before the Queen had arrived, it was very hushed about my being Strigoi and about me being restored.

For a brief moment, I considered that a guardian had written the note but quickly dismissed it. Guardians have known about me being back on school grounds and where I was staying for the last two weeks. If they were going to do something, it would have been earlier. This was just after my revealing of myself at the church and moving to the novice dorms. Whoever is doing this must be a student.

Sucking on the straw of my milkshake, I glanced around the cafeteria as if there would be the person just staring at me but found no one.

A figure caught my eye, making her way across the room. Anastasia.

"Hey Liss," I interrupted her conversation with Adrian, "do you know that girl?"

Lissa followed my gaze to Anastasia as she sat down at a table with her friends, the novice boy that was with her earlier, also sitting there.

"Oh, that's Anastasia. She's really sweet."

I pulled a face, "She seems like a bitch to me."

"You two should get along great then." Christian joked across the table from me. I kicked his shin, making his smirk drop.

"What makes you think that?" Lissa asked, patting Christian on the shoulder.

I shrugged, not wanting to explain it was because of how she spoke to Dimitri. Even if she knew about my relationship, I wouldn't want to admit I was jealous of another girl. "She just pissed me off when I spoke to her earlier."

"Why were you speaking to her?" Eddie asked, mouth full of food.

"Her friend," I nodded to the novice, "practically cornered me earlier today asking questions about everything. Luckily Dimitri shut them down." I explained, taking some fries from Eddie's plate. He smacked my hand away.

"Isn't that just so nice of him." Adrian's voice soaked in sarcasm. I tried to kick his shin under the table.

"Fuck Rose! What was that for?" Christian yelled, rubbing his shin.

"Oops, sorry." I tried to look apologetic before staring daggers at Adrian. He was the only one here that knows about my and Dimitri's relationship, I knew he wouldn't expose me, but I hated him bringing it up.

"Speaking of Belikov," Eddie looked pointedly behind me. I turned around to see Dimitri talking to Stan in the far corner. He must be starting his guard shift soon.

I wanted to go over to him, but I would need a good excuse to tell everyone at the table, not to mention it's not like I could do to him what I wanted to do in the middle of a crowded cafeteria. I turned back to the table, deciding it was best just to pretend he wasn't here.

"Looks like he is pretty friendly with your favourite person Rose." Christian laughed, making me spin back around. There was Dimitri talking to Anastasia. The jealousy was back.

I shoved my tray away from me, raising from the table, "I think I'm going to go back to my room." I grounded out.

I didn't want to sit here and watch another girl flirt with Dimitri, and I couldn't trust myself to walk over and not start a fight. Leaving is the best idea. Before I could turn to escape through the back door, Lissa looped her arm around mine.

"Come on, Rose," Lissa tugged on my arm, dragging me in the direction I was trying to avoid.

I stared at her, questioning, "Where are we going?"

Lissa just gripped my arm with hers and led me across the room straight to Dimitri. Ignoring my pleas for her to stop.

"Guardian Belikov," Lissa called, gaining his attention. He appeared surprised to see us, eyes lighting up when they locked with mine. I turned my eyes down.

"Princess, Rose." He dipped his head towards us in greeting, keeping it professional.

I felt flustered; I just nodded back. I had no idea what Lissa was planning or why. I tried to feel through the bond, but she had her mental barriers up keeping me out. I glanced at Anastasia; she gave me the same sweet smile as before. I glared daggers back.

Lissa continued talking to Dimitri, oblivious to the tension between us, "Are you going by the novice dorms by chance?"

Dimitri raised his eyebrow, "Uh, I suppose."

Lissa pushed me to stand in front of him, "Great, Rose is heading back, but I don't want her to walk alone. Could you take her?"

I was so shocked at what Lissa was doing that I couldn't form a word. Why was she pushing Dimitri and I to spend time together? I wanted to tell them that I was fine by myself but was cut off by Dimitri.

"Of course." Dimitri stepped back, angling his body to the door, "Shall we?"

I couldn't help the feeling of smugness that shot through me at the look of disdain on Anastasia's face. Jealousy rearing its head again, I stood up next to Dimitri, "Let's go, comrade."

With one last glare at Anastasia, I strode out of the room next to Dimitri.

Once we were outside, I lost my bravo and instead was torn between sulking and wanting to punch something. I felt an intense possessiveness for Dimitri that wasn't there before the attack, or at least before the cabin. That night I became his completely, and he became mine. The idea of someone trying to take him made my blood boil.

"Was it good?"

I snapped my eyes up Dimitri, "What?" Had he been speaking before? I missed all of it.

He shook his head with a slight smile on his lips, "I asked how your counselling session went."

"Oh," I moved my eyes back to the ground, "It was okay."

"Only okay?"

"I didn't have any big breakthroughs or reveals." I still felt raw from that session, "She did give me some zen lessons. You two would get along great." I knocked Dimitri with my shoulder.

He let out a sigh. I couldn't tell if it was exasperation or amusement. "Yes, I know how much you enjoy my zen lessons." I could hear the sarcasm. On more than one occasion, I had told him off when he would try to bestow wisdom on me when I really didn't want any.

"I was happy to see you were not eating in your room," He continued.

I hummed in response, "Lissa was in my room waiting for me, made it kind of hard to say no." I chose to leave out the fact Adrain was also in my room. I doubted Dimitri would be too pleased.

"I'm glad, gave me the chance to see you tonight."

A grin broke out on my face, feeling my cheeks flush. I hoped he couldn't see it in the dark. The jealousy in me dissipating.

Dimitri's steps halted. At first, I was confused until I looked up the Novice dorms just before us. I couldn't help the frown that tugged down the corners of my mouth. I didn't want to part yet. The area was too public to do anything without risking someone seeing us. I could tell Dimitri wanted to touch me from how he clenched his fist. He clasped his arms behind his back, taking away the temptation. I wish we didn't have to hide our relationship.

My eyes locked on his, trying to communicate through my eyes how much I wanted him. A small smile graced his face telling me he understood.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He finally said, holding my eyes for a moment more before he spun around and left.

I stood rooted to the spot, watching him retreat to the edges of the tree line, heading towards the ward lines. It made my stomach knot thinking of him out there by himself, thinking of how those wards were destroyed not that long ago, Strigois attacking the Academy—killing me.

I clenched my shaking hands, digging in my nails.

That isn't me anymore.

I'm safe.

I had to keep reminding myself. I reached behind me under my shirt, feeling the cool metal of my stake. I wasn't that monster anymore.

With one last deep breath, I moved, entering the dorms.