Chapter 17

The rest of the week felt like I was repeating the same steps over and over. Train with Dimitri, barely speaking. Go to classes, be stared at, gossiped about, try not to panic during any physical training classes—another silent training session with Dimitri in the afternoon. Then finally cry myself to sleep at night.

The churning of emotions inside felt like they were getting worse, and it wasn't just the guilt anymore. It was more. I wondered if it was some darkness I had taken from Lissa without realising it, mixing in with my other feelings. But she hadn't been using her magic often, so I was unsure that that was the reason, which scared me.

If it wasn't because of Lissa, then maybe this darkness was just me.

I found three more notes, each one along the same lines as the others. Someone at the Academy knew my secret, and they want me to pay.

I spent nights tossing and turning, wondering when they will finally tell everyone. Or if they were going to take matters into their own hands, try to kill me. That thought made me always alert. I became paranoid. Even just my friends sitting down next to me when eating makes me jump, eyes searching for whoever is going to attack me.

They were all noticing it. I could feel the worry through the bond; Lissa was panicking that I was one step away from locking myself in a room again and refusing to see anyone. Her stress was feeding mine. It was a brutal cycle.

Dimitri would ask me if I was okay; I would make a half-hearted joke and change the subject, claiming homework was keeping me up late to explain the dark circles under my eyes. But I knew he didn't believe me. I think he was scared like Lissa, that I was on the edge.

Which, in truth, I think I was. I was so tightly wound up that I was just waiting for that one thing that will tip me over. And that scared me.

I know I should ask for help, but I felt like I was drowning and couldn't get the words out. Each time one of my friends asked me, I wanted to beg for help and explain everything happening, but it was harder and harder to say anything. So instead, I would force a smile and lie.

To add to everything, students were no longer just accepting the word of the Guardians, that the story of how I escaped was classified. If they weren't asking me about it, they were making up their own stories. Some were that I had just run away again and lied about where I was; others were that I willingly went, becoming the bloodwhore for a group of Strigois. My friends tried to keep the worst away from me, shutting down anyone they would hear spreading the rumours.

But I heard them all.

I was reaching the point that the only way I could sleep at night was with my blinds open, lights on, so I slept in complete light while clutching the silver stake. The dark brought with it the horrors of my past.

When Sunday rolled around, I was at church early, taking a seat in a pew at the front, as if being closer to the priest would provide me with some relief. I didn't listen to what the priest said; instead, taking the time to reflect.

I pictured each of my victims, their faces that I see in my nightmares, one after the another, I begged for forgiveness, prayed that they had found peace. With my eyes closed and head bowed, I ignored the world around me. When I had closed my eyes, the church was full, but the pews were empty when I opened them.

Someone sat in the space next to me. I didn't need to look to know who it was; I could smell his aftershave. He bowed his head, speaking softly in Russian for a couple of minutes. I waited until he was done before I spoke.

"What did you say?"

He didn't turn to face me; instead, he closed his eyes, letting a calm overtake him, "I prayed."

I watched the rows of lit candles flicker, the fire dancing gracefully in the dark corner of the church, "I tried doing that. I don't know if anyone is listening, though." I still wasn't sure if I believed in God. Seeing ghosts, I knew there was something after death, but I didn't know what it was or if some higher power was watching over me. All I knew is one day, I will be judged.

"Someone is always there to listen."

I didn't miss the double meaning, he was trying to encourage me to talk, but I wasn't ready. I stared ahead, void of emotion, "I don't think anyone is listening today." I stood from the pew, sliding out the other end to get away from Dimitri. I didn't want to fight, but there was that churning of darkness within that I couldn't ignore, pushing me, telling me to take it out on him.

I made it outside of the church before he caught up with his stupidly long legs. He clasped my wrist.

"Rose, we need to talk."

I sighed, "What? What do you want to talk about now, Dimitri?"

He kept his face hard, closed off like mine, "You promised you wouldn't push me away again." The pained tone in his voice almost made my resolve crack. Almost.

"I said I would try. I did, and it didn't work."

"Rose -"

"What do you want from me, Dimitri!" I yelled.

His nostrils were flaring, glancing around us. He used his grip on my wrist to pull me into one of the church side buildings. The room was empty, looking more like a storage room than an office. Dimitri slammed the door closed so no one would hear us.

I shook him off, putting distance between us. Crossing my arms, I opened my mouth to protest.

He marched towards me, gripping my shoulders, "What I want is for you to talk to me!" His control had broken, his anger and desperation taking over.

I responded in kind with my own, "What is there to talk about?"

"Fuck Rose, anything at this point!" he started to pace the room.

I knew he had reached his limit if he was openly swearing; instead of pulling it back, I pushed more. "Fine, let's talk about Anastasia," The jealousy and hatred I felt were so intense I could feel it burning through me. At his dumbfounded look, I gasped dramatically, "Oh wait. I mean Ana ." I mocked her sweet voice.

"Why are you bringing her up?" He looked confused, but I knew there was no way he didn't notice what she was doing.

"Because she is all over you, and you let her!"

Still confused, he tried to defuse my anger, "She is not all over me. I don't understand what you think is going on."

I walked up to him, poking him in the chest with my finger, "I know exactly what I'm seeing!" I poked him again, "It's you letting some high school girl talk you up and inflate your ego!"

"Rose -"

I cut him off, "That's it, isn't it? You just love high school girls don't you. Bet you love how we treat you like a god!" I was going too far, but I couldn't stop. I had no control of myself, of my words. "That's why you went for me, right. Maybe I'm too fucked up now that you are moving on to another. Got to keep them young right!"

Dimitri's face had darkened. I hadn't seen such fury in his eyes aimed at me before. The hurt in them made my heart break. This is it; I've officially gone too far and had no idea why I did it.

"Is that what you think of me, after everything?" I turned away from him. He let out a humourless laugh; it sounded so pained, "Fine."

I flinched as he slammed the door closed behind him.

I refused to let myself cry. I would not fall.

I needed to get this energy out of me.

I stormed over to the gym. It's Sunday; no one would be there. The other students steered clear of me, no doubt sensing my bad mood rolling off me in waves. I held onto my anger, knowing that the second I let it go, I would fall apart.

Entering the gym, glad I was right about it being empty, I stripped off my overshirt, leaving me in just a sports bra and leggings. Usually, I would be too nervous to show this much skin, but I couldn't care less right now.

Taking a stance in front of the punching bag, I threw hit after hit, channelling that anger and putting it into each punch. I could feel the skin of my knuckles sting and then break from the constant impact with the bag, but I didn't care.

I lost track of time. The gym remained silent except for the harsh pants of my breath and the sound of my hits impacting the swinging bag. Sweat was dripping from my body, and I could feel it run down the side of my face, down my neck and back. The anger was slowly fading, despair and self-hatred replacing it.

My conversation with Dimitri playing in my mind, all the things I said to him. In that moment, I was so angry at him that I wanted to hurt him, and now I regret every word that left my mouth. I felt like all I did was hurt him; I couldn't even keep my promise of not pushing him away.

Fear coursed through me. I may have finally pushed him too far.

The need to fight left me, leaving me deflated and empty. I rested my hands on the punching bag, pausing its swinging motion. My hands were torn and bruised, the pain of them barely registering in my mind, like there was a wall between my mind and my body.

Dimitri would be so upset if he saw my hands right now. I could already hear him lecturing me about not overexerting myself, why I should be protecting my hands. It brought a smile to my face. But the memory of the church quickly wipes it off.

He would want me to take care of myself. With that in mind, I made my way to the office at the back of the gym, knowing there was a first aid kit in there. I turned the doorknob; of course, it's locked—just my lucky day.

I pivoted and strolled over to the storage room, my last resort before having to go to the infirmary, which I would rather not do. In my many searches through the storage room for equipment, I had seen a first aid kit stashed away in the back.

I entered, careful not to knock the metal chair that held the solid door open; the lock was broken again. If it closes, it can only open from the outside.

Gingerly, with my hands, I shuffled through the equipment, punching mitts, kick pads, practice stakes. This room is obviously needing a good cleaning and reorganising. Finally, after going through the piles, I found the kit at the very back of the shelves.

My hopes dashed when I picked it up, it was way too light. Opening it proved what I had already guessed, empty.

"Today sucks," I muttered to myself.

A shriek of metal made me spin around. I watched in horror as the door of the storage room slammed close, shoving the metal chair out of the way.

"No!" I screamed as I was enclosed in complete darkness.

My mind was running a mile a minute. That really just happened. The door closed by itself, locking me in here.

I rushed to the door cursing as my shin caught the edge of the metal chair that was now lying on its side. I couldn't see anything, not even my own hand in front of my face. I managed to make it to the door without tripping and banged on the wood.

"Is someone there! Let me out!" I screamed, praying that someone would hear.

How did the door close? I was positive there was no one there. The chair should have held it open. Someone must have closed it.

I kept banging against the door until I couldn't handle the pain in my hands anymore. I spun around and wrapped my arms around myself, slowly sliding down the door to the ground. Breathes becoming harsher.

I was alone. No one was going to be at the gym today; it was Sunday night. I will be here all night. I squeezed my eyes. Don't focus on the dark . I pressed against my eyes until I saw lights dance behind my eyelids.

I was stuck in a small room, in complete darkness.

I need to get my mind off it. With a deep breath, I let myself slip into Lissa's head.

Lissa was in the cafeteria, Christian next to her talking to Eddie. She was concerned, tapping her nails against the top of the table as she watched the entrance.

"Lissa, relax. She will be here soon." Christian tried to soothe her, covering her fingers with his own, stopping their movement. She spun in her seat to face him.

"You didn't see her after church. She didn't even acknowledge me talking to her. I'm really worried about her." She explained, a hint of hysteria to her voice.

Eddie pushed his food around his plate, "She's been getting more distant all week." There was a shadow to his expression.

"I went to her room earlier, and she wasn't there. It's been hours." Lissa felt tears welling up, "I'm scared something has happened. What if she's hurt herself again?" Her voice was low like she didn't want to admit it. From the looks of the two boys, they were thinking the same.

I knew she had noticed me distancing myself; they all did, but hearing her voice, her fears felt like a knife twisting in my stomach. I kept hurting the people I care about.

"Belikov said he would talk to her, right? Why don't we ask him." Christian tried to keep Lissa calm, knowing how stress affects her and, in turn, me.

Lissa nodded earnestly, "You're right," She gave him a small smile, turning back to search the cafeteria until her eyes caught sight of Dimitri's tall form. "There he is!" She lept from her chair and beelined to him.

When Dimitri noticed her coming for him, his eyes widened in surprise for a second before his mask slipped back on.

"Dimi -" She caught herself, "Guardian Belikov, do you know where Rose is?" Lissa asked once she was close enough.

His expression was closed off. Only the tension in his shoulders gave away the anger still held against me for earlier. "No." His voice flat. It hurt me seeing him regard me with so little emotion.

Lissa paused at his strange response. He was more distant than usual, especially with me as the subject of their conversation. She pushed on, her concern outweighing her curiosity. "I have looked everywhere, and I can't find her."

"I'm sure she is just in her room," Dimitri replied. I could hear a hint of doubt in his voice.

"No! I already checked, she isn't there. I'm really worried about her." She pleaded, "The way she's been acting lately, I think we are losing her." Her voice caught.

Dimitri's mask was breaking, concern showing on his face, but still not giving in. I couldn't blame him for wanting to stay away from me. Lissa could see this too, taking a step closer to him, "Please, you have to find her." She begged, her gaze holding his.

His resolve gave in; he dipped his head, "I'll go find her, stay here in case she shows up."

Lissa watched after him as he spoke to another Guardian and then took off from the room. Feeling mildly better, she returned to her seat next to Christian. The boys waiting for her to tell them what happened. "He is looking for her, told us to wait here." She gripped Christian's hand, "What if it's too late or something happens?" She questioned, a tear escaping.

Christian moved closer to her to wrap an arm around her shoulder, "He'll find her. It'll be okay."

Laughter from behind them drew their attention; Jesse and two other's stood there grinning at them.

"What do you want?" Eddie asked, voice low.

Jesse took a step closer, "Henry here was wondering if Rose liked it?"

Eddie's expression darkened, "Liked what?"

"Well, you know, being a whore for the Strigoi." Henry laughed behind him, encouraging Jesse to continue, "She acts all modest, but I can tell a girl like her probably like it, right? Bet she was a great bloodwhore for them. Always getting down on her knees -"

I forced myself out of Lissa's mind, unable to watch anymore. None of the rumours were true, but that didn't stop them from getting to me. I let out a bitter laugh. If they knew the truth, it would have been so much worse.

Not having Lissa's mind to keep me distracted, all I could focus on was the fact I was locked in here. Sure Dimitri was searching for me, but who knew how long it would take to find me, or if he even did.

The dark was starting to play tricks on my mind, ghostly faces appearing in the corner of my eye, though when I looked, there was nothing there.

"It's not real," I told myself, attempting to maintain my breathing. I didn't want to look at the faces, recognising them.

I could feel a panic attack building, trying to remember what Deirdre told me.

Five things you can see around you.

I was surrounded by darkness.

Fuck . I wrapped my arms tighter around myself, digging my nails into my skin. It felt like I was falling through a void, leaving just me and the ghost.

"Don't look at them." I rocked myself, eyes closed. If I didn't look at them, they weren't there. "You aren't real," I could still sense them; they were reaching for me. "You aren't real!"

I pushed myself into the corner of the room, ignoring the feeling of shelves digging into my back. I just had to get out of their reach.

"Don't touch me!" I was screaming at them now. It didn't stop them. "Please stop! Please!"

"Rose?"

I snapped my head up that voice. I knew that voice, "Dimitri!" I cried.

"Rose!" His voice was muffled. Was he even here? Did I imagine him?

I pressed my head against my knees, "Please! I don't want to be here anymore, please!" Tears were streaming down my face. A voice in my head telling me that I can never escape, I can never escape them.

Suddenly the room was filled with light.

"Roza?"

I squinted at the light; it was so bright compared to the dark. He stood in the doorway, the light making his features silhouette, his hand reached out for me.

I couldn't stop the sob that ripped through me as I reached for him, letting him pull me up and into his arms. I wrapped mine around his neck and cried pressing my face against him. I felt him carrying me, whispering into my hair.

I clung to him like he could keep the ghost at bay, "Please don't leave me there." I pleaded, twisting my hands into the back of his shirt.

"It's okay, Roza. It's over."

I shook my head, "It's not over. It's not enough. It will never be enough." I buried my head in his chest. I will always be haunted by the ghost of those I killed. Nothing I could do would bring them back.

Dimitri tightened his hold around me, "Roza -"

"You're the only one, please. You are the only one I can tell." Everything inside of me was straining to be released, and I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I opened my eyes and met his dark, earnest gaze.

"It's okay," He gently spoke to me, "It's okay now. I'm here. I'll always be here for you."