Chapter 18

I sat on Dimitri's bed. Arms wrapped tightly around myself just staring into space.

After Dimitri had calmed me down a bit, he led me from the gym to here. He held me close and spoke to me in a soft voice. I couldn't remember what he said, but he kept me calm—his deep voice quelled my fear and anxiety.

I was surprised no one had stopped us as he walked me across the campus. Granted, I was so out of it someone could have, and I just missed it.

When we reached his room, he took one look at my hands and cursed, setting me on his bed. He pulled out some supplies and got to work cleaning them up and bandaging. I didn't pay attention, feeling more like a spectator in my own body. My body was just going through the motions, and I was along for the ride.

My lack of response concerned Dimitri, a haunted look in his eyes and something else I couldn't quite place.

Fear. I realised. Dimitri was afraid.

Once he was done, he sat next to me on his bed, close enough to touch me, but he didn't take me in his arms. He seemed unsure. Finally convincing my body to move, I reached over and took his hand in mine. I brushed my thumb over the tan skin of his knuckles, studying the weathered and scarred skin. I cradled his hand in between mine, his skin standing out against the white of my bandages.

He shifted beside me, waiting for me to speak. Always so patient with me.

"I'm sorry." The soreness of my throat making it hard to speak. The gravelly sound was barely above a whisper.

He shushed me gently, his free hand moving to cup my cheek, "It's okay," Releasing my cheek, he leant down to the floor and picked up a water bottle pressing it into my hands, "Drink." he commanded.

He helped me uncap the bottle, seeing I was unable to with my fingers. I slowly sipped it, my throat feeling better. "I don't know where… there's so much... I don't think I can," I trailed off, trying to organise my thoughts. Too much was running through my mind to pick a starting point.

"Please, Roza, talk to me." Dimitri pleaded.

My heart skipped a beat at my name; I missed him calling me that. I missed him. Being close to him like this brought me so much comfort. Holding onto him, I think I could finally talk about it.

"You are the only one who saw how I was. I could never explain this to anyone else…." I admitted. I was whispering, but being as close as we were, the sound easily carried to Dimitri. I focused on his hand, my fingers caressing his skin.

He didn't respond, instead curling his fingers around mine, giving me the strength to continue.

I took a deep breath, "I dream about them. All the innocents I killed. The nightmares won't go away. I kill them over and over again. Or I see you." I felt him stiffen, "I would hunt men that looked like you, part of me thought that I could pretend, and maybe that would make me want you less, but they were never right. As a… Strigoi, I was obsessed. I wanted you as my possession. With how strong you were, I knew together we would be unstoppable.

"But when I finally had you, I couldn't bring myself to turn you. I wanted you to choose it yourself. Maybe it's because I knew how much you never wanted to be one of them. I should have known that you would be too strong to break. You're always so strong."

Dimitri gripped my hand in his, squeezing. This reminded me of when I had been overtaken by the darkness, him trying to get me to break free of its control. He told me I was strong, but now I doubted it.

I continued, trying to get it out while I still could, "I want to tell you, I wish I could open up to you," I finally looked him in the eyes; they were glistening with unshed tears, "I'm scared to say it. Once I tell you I can't take it back, you will know everything I have done." I took another breath, knowing what I was going to say next was going to be hard for both of us to hear, "I want to believe that if I told you everything that you will still love me, but I don't trust that."

My words hurt him. A lone tear slid down his cheek, "You can trust me, Roza." His voice was husky, thick with emotion.

I grimaced, "I can't even trust myself."

Silence settled around us, early rays of light coming through his window reflecting in his eyes, making the dark brown of his eye look like warm honey. He was pleading with me to trust him, but I didn't know how. The risk of losing him was too great, and if I didn't have him, I would fall apart and not get back up. But if I didn't trust him, I may lose him still.

It was a moment of trust, I realised. I had to trust him, trust everything he has promised me. It was a leap of faith.

I took the leap.

I told him everything as we sat on his bed, the sunlight seeping in as time passed us. He stayed and listened to it all. I could tell there were times it was hard for him, not because I repulsed him, but because it pained him knowing what I went through, the guilt I was feeling.

I started at the beginning, at the cave where Nathan turned me, the moment his fangs bit into me. Some of the memories from the first week was a blur, how I could only feel the bloodlust. I told him about Nathan's plans, pushing me to go after Lissa, but I refused. Not because I wanted to protect her, but because I wanted Dimitri more.

I told him how I waited, watching the Academy when he left, and then I followed him. The things I wanted to do to him when I had him.

I cried throughout, and he wiped my tears, never pulling away from me.

I was drained of energy, my face red and puffy from crying. We had rearranged ourselves, Dimitri leaning against the headboard and I between his legs, resting against his chest.

He was running his fingers through my hair, massaging to ease the headache that had formed from all my stress. We sat in silence; having finished revealing it all to him, I waited for him to arrange his thoughts. Waiting for his response.

"Thank you for telling me, Roza," He spoke, voice rough from his own tears. His arm curled around my waist; he pulled me in closer to him and rested his chin on my shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, that you are still…." He trailed off, "I'm sorry I didn't save you." He buried his face into my neck.

I turned in his hold until I was facing him, lifting his head in my hands, rubbing my thumbs along his cheekbones, "There was nothing you could have done. If you had gone back in, you would have been killed." I told him, stopping him from disagreeing, "No. You know I'm right. If I knew you died trying to save me, I never would have forgiven myself."

His eyes glistened with tears, not believing me but relenting anyway. We will both hold guilt; I realised that it will still be there no matter how much we are told it wasn't our fault.

The weight of guilt I carried felt heavier each day, and my lack of control was making everything worse, "I feel like I have no control of myself anymore." I started, "What if..."

Dimitri ducked his head, trying to catch my eyes, "What if what?"

I bit my lip, "What if I'm still one of them? What if I can never move past this?" These questions that had been plaguing my mind since I was turned back, voicing them, felt like a weight being lifted from my chest. But now, the words were out in the world. The fears were real.

Dimitri's hands clasped the sides of my face, his hold gentle but firm, forcing me to look at him, "You are not one of them anymore."

"But -"

"Roza, you are so full of life. Your life was taken away from you much too soon. You have been given a second chance. You have been given the chance to appreciate life again. The only way to bring back who you really are is to live it. Living is in the details." His eyes bore into mine, imploring me to understand, "Strigoi's can't see the beauty in this world, but you can."

I tried to look away, but he wouldn't let me. I shook my head. I had seen too much, done too much, "There's nothing beautiful here. Only death." Only the death that I caused.

"Roza, it isn't true. Find one thing. One thing that's beautiful. Anything that shows you aren't one of them."

I studied his face, the look in his eyes, the plea in them. I hated seeing him so upset. I wished that I could take away both of our pain just to see him smile— his smile . I realised that's what was beautiful to me. "You." He raised one eyebrow at the word, "You are beautiful. Your smile. Your heart. Everything that makes you you." I explained, running my hand down the side of his face, tracing his features. I stared at him in awe. Everything that was him was perfect.

Love filled his eyes, bringing a smile to his lips, "See? You're not one of them. Strigoi don't see beauty. They can't appreciate it." He leaned to brush his lips against my forehead, "Don't let the guilt stop you from living, Roza. The fact you feel it is more proof that you aren't one of them. Don't waste this second chance. Please" Dimitri closed his eyes and bowed his head like he was saying a prayer.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, his words making me so emotional. He was right. This was my second chance, and I was holding myself back. Rather than embrace what I was given, all that I had, I pushed it all away again. "I don't want to lose you."

I tilted my face up to his, pressing my lips against his, snaking my arms up to wrap around his neck.

I felt like I had been going in circles these last few weeks. Instead of learning how to lean on Dimitri for help, I tried to handle everything on my own again. I pushed him away, expecting him to just give up on me like I had on myself.

Instead of holding it all in, I should have revealed the truth to him. Now it was all out there, and I didn't feel like I was suffocating under the weight of it all.

Our kiss was chaste and short but held so much affection. I rested my forehead on his, "I love you so much." I whispered to him.

"I love you too."

I breathed in the scent of him, amazed at how we had gone from fighting earlier today to embracing each other now.

My heart clenched, remembering the hurt on his face, how my words had cut him. I shifted back so I could see him properly, "I'm sorry for what I said earlier," I stared at his shirt, unable to look him in the eyes, "I didn't mean it. I don't even know why I said it.

"I think I know why." Dimitri started, my eyes snapped back to his, "I spoke to Zmey. We think that you are being affected by Lissa's darkness still."

"You spoke to my dad?" I shook my head, "I haven't been taking any darkness from her."

He ran his fingers through my hair, "We think it's leftover from before you turned, staying there even after you were restored. And with everything else you are going through,"

"It made everything worse." I finished for him. The more I considered it, the more it made sense. This anger I felt, it didn't feel like me, with no control of it.

"He is sending something for you, I don't know what, but he said it would help you manage the darkness," Dimitri explained, drawing me back to him, so I was pressed against his chest again.

"I wonder what he found?" I mused out loud, not expecting an answer. I was surprised he was sending it and not delivering it himself after the number of times he had mentioned coming back here to check up on me. What could he have that could help with the darkness I take?

Dimitri pulled me from my thoughts, "I don't want anyone else. Just you, Roza." His voice caught, though he tried to hide it. With his chin resting on the top of my head, I couldn't see his face, but I could imagine the look in his eyes.

I pressed against him, holding tight, given what comfort I could. "I know," I murmured, "I was jealous of her."

"Why are you jealous of Anastasia?"

The darkness stirred inside of me at the mention of her name, "I don't like her." Remembering what she and her friends had said to me earlier this week. I wondered if she was the person sending the letters.

The letters.

I drew back from Dimitri, he reached for me, but I stood from the bed. If I was going to reveal everything to him, I needed to tell him about the letters I have been receiving. Dread felt like a stone in the pit of my stomach. He was going to be angry.

"There's something else I need to tell you," I started, "I should have mentioned it sooner, I know, but…." I trailed off, trying to put how I felt into words.

"Roza?" Dimitri tentatively grazed my arm with his fingers.

I glanced up at him, "I was scared." I finished.

He shifted to the edge of his bed, eyebrow raised.

"I have been receiving letters,"

"Letters?"

"Threatening letters. Someone knows I was Striogi and has been threatening me." His body became rigid, more tension leaking into him as my words registered in his mind. My hands trembled, awaiting his response. I clasped them behind my back.

"How long?" His expression was guarded, an edge to his voice.

"The first one was a week ago," I admitted; I stared down at my feet, feeling like a child about to be scolded.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I bit my lip. I will not cry again today, "I didn't want to be taken away."

Dimitri was silent. I heard him stand from the bed, watching as his feet came to rest before me. He tilted my chin up, making me look him in the eyes, his searched mine questioning.

I pulled away from him again and started pacing my room as I explained, "Tatiana said that if the truth got out, that she would take me back to Court, and this proves someone knows." I roughly dragged my fingers through my hair, "At first, I thought it was nothing to worry about. That it wasn't worth mentioning it. But then I kept getting them, and I didn't know how to tell you."

He caught me mid-stride, gripping me similar to when we were at the church, though this time it was in concern rather than anger. He was still mad; I could tell, just not so much at me. "Where are these letters?"

"I've kept them in my room," I answered quickly.

"What else?" He asked. He was trying very hard to maintain control of himself.

"What?"

"What else have you not told me?"

I stared at him in surprise. Of course, he knew there was something else. I didn't have proof of this yet; it was a feeling, a suspicion. "I think whoever is threatening me has been using Earth magic on me."

I watched his eyes glaze over as he considered my words, "The rock?"

"Yeah, and something tripped me when I was running Monday, but then there was nothing when I looked," I explained, "And today, the storage room door closed by itself. There's no way it could have done that, though, because of the chair."

"You think someone used magic to close it."

I nodded, "That door is solid wood. It wouldn't be hard for an Earth user to move it."

Dimitri stepped back from me, thinking through everything I had told him. After a couple of minutes, he glanced back at me, "Show me the letters."

"Then what?" I asked. I didn't want others to know about it yet, scared of what the repercussions would be.

Dimitri pulled on his duster before striding to his door, "I don't know. I'll decide once I've seen them." He was back in guardian mode.

He will want to tell Alberta about the letters, and I knew he would. Not only were they a threat against me, but they also proved that someone had leaked the information. Resigned to the fact that it won't be let go, I nodded and made my way out the door Dimitri was holding open for me. I could only hope that word doesn't get back to Tatiana.

I stood in the middle of my room, nervously shuffling from foot to foot. Dimitri by my desk next to Alberta, both focused on the six notes spread out on the wood.

Dimitri had taken one look at them and called Alberta to my room, just like I guessed he would. He decided it was best for her to come here rather than us going to her office. We were more likely to be seen, and he didn't want whoever was targeting me to assume I was telling others about them. Alberta had used the back door to sneak into the dorm building. Easier to avoid suspicion.

But now I was left trapped in a room with two pissed off guardians. Not all their anger was directed at me, but I could sense a long lecture in the near future.

"Rose," Alberta glanced over her shoulder at me, hands still resting on the edge of my desk, "You should have told us straight away."

I glared at the ground. I had to control my irritation. It's just the darkness . I told myself. "I know." I bit out.

Alberta sighed, "You mentioned someone using magic against her?"

I realised she was talking to Dimitri now. I decided to just let him explain it to her. It was long past curfew, the midday sun illuminating my room. After the day I had all I wanted to do was sleep.

"And you are sure you have never seen anyone?" Alberta's attention was back on me.

It took me a second to understand what she was asking, "No," I tried to hide my yawn, spinning away from them to face my bed instead, how I longed just to lay down.

"I will make a list of everyone that knows the truth about Rose. Maybe we can work our way from there to find the leak." She sounded exhausted. I could imagine her pinching the bridge of her nose. "Until we know more, I want you to keep an eye on her, stay close."

"Of course," Dimitri answered quickly, no doubt already planning to hover over me.

I turned back to them, "What do I do if I get another one?" I asked. I had already voiced my fears to Dimitri, needing to do the same with Alberta, "Do we have to tell the Queen? Will she take me away?"

Alberta's expression softened, "No, Rose, I won't mention anything unless I have no other choice. I promised you that you wouldn't be taken anywhere, and I intend to keep that promise."

My lip trembled. Knowing Alberta and Dimitri were going to protect me made some of the fear dissolve. Not trusting my voice, I nodded in understanding.

"If anything else happens, make sure you tell either Dimitri or me immediately. Do you understand, Rose?" She was using her guardian's voice.

"I understand."

Appeased with my response, Alberta bid us goodnight and left my room, leaving Dimitri and me alone again. This seemed to be happening a lot.

I eyed him. Exhaustion and apprehension seeped into me, making me collapse onto my bed, dropping my head to my hands. A moment later, my bed dipped, and I felt Dimitri place his hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles on it. "It will get easier one day, right?" I mumbled into my hands.

"Rose…" He trailed off. I rolled my head to the side so I could glance up at him.

"Lie to me?" I whispered.

A gentle smile pulled at the corner of his lips. As much as I wished he would, he wouldn't lie to me. That wasn't what he did. Still rubbing circles on my back, his other hand brushed my hair back from my face, "You will make it through this. You are strong enough to handle this."

I reached for his hand, pressing a kiss to his palm, "I won't hide anything more, I promise." This time I meant it. There were no secrets between us anymore.

"Thank you, Roza." His lips covered mine. I gave myself to him, letting him pull me into a passionate embrace.

I could only hope that things would get better soon.