Chapter 19

I woke to the feel of hot breath hitting the back of my neck. The warmth of the person behind me seeped through my clothes to my skin. His arm was thrown over my waist, hand loosely clasping mine. I brushed my thumb over the tan skin of his knuckles. My own knuckles were still bandaged, though the pain had significantly lessened.

He shifted behind me, letting out a small moan that made my ears turn red, "Di-Dimitri?" I all but squeaked. Even though we have had sex, we didn't experience walking up together. I suddenly felt nervous about the idea of him seeing me after sleeping. My hair was a mess, I hadn't brushed my teeth, and my face was most likely still puffy from crying so much the night before.

Before I could try to escape the bed, his arm tightened around my midsection, pulling my body back against his, "Roza?" He murmured into my ear, lips touching the skin of my neck, making me shiver. Dimitri slowly pushed himself up onto one elbow to see my face properly. He looked perfect.

He had removed his shirt and pants before falling asleep with me cradled in his arm, sleeping in just his underwear. Last night I had been too exhausted to really enjoy the view. So much skin was on display for me to take in. To touch.

I gulped, trying to will my blush away before Dimitri noticed. But from the knowing smile he was giving me, he already had.

I had chosen to wear a shirt and pyjama shorts, the most exposed part of me being my legs, which he had taken the chance last night to brush his fingertips along my thighs.

I realised my shirt had risen to reveal my stomach, his fingers dancing across it, making me shiver. I bit my lip as I stared up at him. His dark eyes were so intense I couldn't look away; I felt like they were starting a fire within me.

I still wasn't ready to have sex again, but gazing at him right now, I knew I was close.

His lips covered mine in a slow morning kiss. My concerns of morning breath disappearing as I felt the weight of him pressed against me. I let out a small whine when he pulled away.

Dimitri chuckled, "Good morning."

"It is good, isn't it," I responded, still dazed from the kiss. I grinned at him as my hands explored his chest more, "We could make it better." Feeling a sense of pride as he shivered from my touch, letting out a groan that made my stomach do flips. It had been so long since I had seen him like this. Since I had felt brave enough to touch him.

His hand wrapped around my wrists, stopping my hands from moving lower, "Not today," He warned, though it felt half-hearted. Before I could try to push his limits, he leapt from the bed, putting distance between us. "You have to get ready for class."

I huffed in annoyance, "I was up half the night. Doesn't that give me some leniency from classes?"

He raised an eyebrow at me, "I already gave you leniency. I cancelled this morning training." He leant back down, kissing my pout, "I let you sleep in." He moved away before I could wrap my arms around him.

I glanced at the clock. He was right about sleeping in. I had an hour before classes started, which meant just enough time for a quick breakfast if I got up now. I made sure to be extra dramatic so he knew how much I would prefer to stay in bed with him, forcing myself to get up and gather what I needed to make myself presentable to the world.

Dimitri had already dressed. I had expected him to have left to change, but instead, he hung around waiting for me. And I told him as such, "You don't have to wait for me, comrade."

"I will stay with you until you are in class, then I'll grab a quick shower." He explained, waving me off, "You better hurry up."

With a roll of my eyes, I left to shower. With the lack of time, I didn't bother to wash my hair, instead just brushing it enough to tame it and put it up in a bun to get it out of the way.

I laughed out loud upon returning to my room, "Really? You made my bed?" Dimitri turned to me perplexed.

"Do you not make your bed in the morning?"

I threw my things onto my desk, stepping to my dresser and pulling out my uniform. Laughing again at the flush of Dimitri's cheeks when he realised I was going to get dressed in front of him. He quickly turned around, studying the wall.

"No, I don't make my bed. It's a waste of time when I'm just going to sleep in it again," I explained. With his back still turned, I reached for my silver stake that I had hidden last night in a pile of clothes, quickly concealing it in the inner pocket of my blazer. Dimitri would let me get away with a lot; walking around with a stake may be where he drew the line.

"Okay, comrade, you can look now."

He took a second to fully face me again as if expecting me to be lying. I couldn't blame him for thinking that; it did sound like something I would do.

I moved around my room, gathering what I needed for the day. Once I was ready, Dimitri opened my door for me. I paused, "Won't people be asking questions if you are seen leaving with me?"

"I'm going to leave out the back and meet you around front. Petrov has already told the other guardians that I will be closely monitoring you." He replied in a matter of fact voice.

He was back to being professional. I wanted to make him blush again.

Feeling brave, I stepped up to him, my chest just barely touching his. I smiled, knowing that it will make him weak in the knees, "How close are we talking here, Guardian Belikov ?" I let his title roll off my tongue. I had a feeling he enjoyed me calling him that. The flustered look he gave me confirmed it. He stared down at me, mouth opened. A sense of triumph spread through me, seeing him speechless.

"Rose," He warned. His voice was low and rough, almost like it was difficult to speak.

Deciding to end his suffering, I walked out the door, acting as if nothing had happened, "See you downstairs." I waved him off with a wink, containing the laugh that wanted to escape.

Sure enough, once I exited my dorm building, Dimitri fell into step beside me. His guardian mask in place, his previous floundering gone. I threw him a smirk, "Good morning, comrade."

The closer we got to the cafeteria, the more I took notice of Lissa's nervousness. I had been pushing the bond to the back of my mind lately, especially with the range of emotions I had been dealing with this past week. Speaking to Dimitri and easing the burden of my secrets with him had helped calm the storm within me, hoping that whatever Abe was sending me would help more.

Feeling her now, I remembered the fears she had voiced yesterday. She was worried about me and what I might do to myself. I couldn't blame her for thinking that, and I needed to ease her fear.

Entering the room, I allowed the bond to lead me straight to her table. Dimitri hung back, standing watch along the wall like the other guardians in the room. Christian noticed me first. If I didn't know better, I would guess he looked happy to see me; he tapped Lissa's shoulder, pointing towards me.

Lissa spun in her chair and quickly jumped up, throwing her arms around me, "I'm glad you're okay. Dimitri said you were, but I couldn't believe it until I saw you with my own eyes." She pulled back enough to study me.

I smiled at her to reassure her, "I'm fine. I'm much better." I squeezed her hand where it rested on my shoulder, "I'm sorry for making you worry. I was wondering if we could talk tonight?"

Hope lit up Lissa's face. I felt a pang of guilt, knowing how much I had avoided her recently. Sure, I was around, but I didn't want to interact with anyone. I owe her some one on one best friend time. "That would be great." The smile slipped off her face, "Oh, I was going to meet Sara in the library tonight."

I shrugged my shoulders. I could hold off another night, "That's fine, I'll join you guys. We can plan something, just us, another night." I needed to make this promise to her now; she deserved to know what was happening with me, "We have a lot to talk about." My eyes briefly flicked to Dimitri. A lot.

Excitement and happiness flooded the bond. She nodded, a smile returning to her face. "I can't wait!"

As promised, Dimitri disappeared during my first class but had returned before the end, seamlessly slipping in without notice. I only knew because of how hyper-aware my body was of him. It was almost like the bond I felt with Lissa at times; I could sense him when he was close.

He remained far enough away from me not to be noticeable but close enough to react quickly if anything were to happen. I was walking next to Eddie; he took one look at Dimitri, guessed he was there to watch me and didn't question it. I wondered if my friends assumed that Dimitri was there to protect me from myself, considering their worries. If they knew that someone was threatening me, I imagined none of them would let me out of their sight.

They all noticed that I was more myself again, the relief evident in their eyes during breakfast. Even now, Eddie seemed more lively with me interacting with him. It was nice.

Stan's class had started, doing our stretches before sparring. I glanced around the room, finding Dimitri's eyes on me. He was aware of how I was holding myself back. It was bad enough just him being aware of it, but having him in the class watching me made me nervous. I didn't want to let him down. In a way, it felt like I was insulting him by not doing my best, considering all of the efforts he put into training me.

Eddie stepped up to me; it became expected now that he will be my sparring partner. I took my stance and waited for Stan to call for us to start.

At first, I just went through the motions. Eddie and I both liked to use the first two rounds to warm up, find a rhythm. Last week Eddie had tried tough love on me, not holding back in hopes it would draw me out, but today he changed his tactic to pulling his punches. He was going easy on.

That aggravated me more.

My conversation with Dimitri flashed in my mind. You have been given the chance to appreciate life again. The only way to bring back who you really are is to live it. He was right. I needed to live this life rather than being afraid of it. I felt a resolve settle over me.

I grinned at Eddie, the sight making him pause, time for the old Rose to return.

Eddie was taken off guard by my sudden advance and even more so by how quickly I moved. I wasn't sloppy with my attacks anymore, not telegraphing them. It was almost embarrassingly quick for me to have him pinned on the mat, hand slapping down at his chest 'staking' him.

The air was knocked out of him from the impact on the mat, taking him a moment to realise what had just happened. Once he did, he grinned in return. "That's more like it."

Clasping his hand, I pulled him up to his feet, both stepping back into stance, ready for the next fight, "Time for a little payback." I taunted as I moved forward to attack.

By the end of the class, we were both out of breath; Eddie for once looked worse for wear than I did. It took a couple of more rounds for me to truly find my confidence again; after that, I was winning continuously. I even made it through the class without Stan yelling at me. When I glanced over at Dimitri, his eyes held so much pride that I felt like I was walking on air.

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face for the rest of the day.

At lunch, I had gladly informed my friends the reason for Eddie's current state, which he promised to get me back for the next time we sparred, but I could tell he was as happy as I was. Even the bond pulsed with a new sense of relief. She realised the big step that this was.

I let that high carry me through the day up until my appointment with Deirdre.

While the session hadn't been terrible so far, it left me feeling fragile and raw. Dimitri noticed my hesitation as we walked to her office.

"Don't be afraid to talk to her. She wants to help."

I shrugged my shoulders, trying to hide the shaking in my hands, "Easier said than done."

He glanced around us, disappointed that we weren't in a more private location. He settled for a hand resting on my shoulder, looking like a mentor encouraging his student. "I'm proud of you, Roza." He whispered so only I could hear.

I blushed, "Thanks, comrade."

I turned away from him and strolled up to Deirdre's door; I entered with one last look back at him.

Pen and notebook in hand, Deirdre was already seated, the empty one across from her waiting for me. Holding back a groan, I took my seat.

"Good to see you again, Rose."

I returned her greeting with a tight smile. I wasn't exactly happy to be here.

"What would you like to discuss today?"

I eyed her. I should have asked Dimitri if Deirdre was going to be informed about the notes. Deciding it was best to avoid the topic unless she brought it up, "I finally told someone about it," I tapped my fingers on my thigh, "I told him everything that I did… as Strigoi."

"How did that make you feel?"

I tried to find a word that described how I felt after. Raw, broken, relieved, loved. "It was like a weight was lifted."

She nodded her head, encouraging me to continue.

"Di… He," I amended, "didn't hate me after I told him."

She cocked her head to the side, "You thought he would?"

"Well yeah, the things I did were pretty bad."

"Things that you had no control over," Deirdre learnt forward in her chair, "You need to realise this, Rose, you had no control of your actions. The Strigoi did."

Easier said than done when I could remember it so vividly. I squirmed under her gaze, "The things I did as Strigoi were bad." My tongue felt heavy as I forced the sentence out.

"You need to remind yourself that you had no control of these events. If you don't, you won't be able to heal and live your life to the fullest."

Live in the details. "Living is in the details," I murmured to myself.

Deirdre paused her writing, "Sorry?"

"It was what he said to me, that living is in the details, that I should focus on what I find beautiful because that's something Strigois can't appreciate," I explained, head tilted down to hide the blush that spread across my cheeks. Feeling slightly flustered with the memory of telling him he was beautiful.

She smiled warmly, "This boy sounds very wise."

"He is."

"I'm glad you have him to help you through this."

I simply nodding in agreement. There was no way I could put into words how much Dimitri helped me, could ever thank him for everything he has done. All he ever asked for in return is for me to trust him and not keep secrets. I will never push him away from me again.

Exiting Deirdre's office, I raised my arms, stretching the muscles. Sitting down, body rigid, for an hour strained my back. I wasn't improving by leaps and bounds, but I could tell I was doing better. Talking to Dimitri last night had helped put things into perspective again.

Those notes had played on my fears, and I let them take over me. Throw in the possible darkness, and you get a depressed Rose that closes herself off from everyone.

Dimitri being Dimitri quelled those fears.

I felt a smile spread across my face once my eyes landed on him. He stood against the wall, arms crossed as he surveyed the room. Always ready for anything. Even under his leather duster, you could see the lines of muscles, chest filling his shirt perfectly, trailing down to his long legs.

He was pure muscle. My stomach flipped, thinking of the strength he had. Being encased in his strong arms, I always felt safe when they wrapped around me, pulling me impossibly closer to him.

He was perfect, and he was mine.

His attention turned to me; an eyebrow quirked as I stared at him, drinking in everything.

Hiding my smile, I bounded over to him, "Have a fun time waiting around?"

Face kept blank, but amusement sparkled in his eyes, "The best. How was it?"

I blanched, "I think I actually didn't hate it." He chuckled softly as we walked.

"How terrible."

"It is, making me talk about my feelings." I made a gagging motion. "I mean, who wants to do that."

"Yes, who indeed," His words dripping with sarcasm. "So, where to now?"

"Study session with Lissa and I think Sara."

The calling of my name cut off Dimitri's response. I spun around to see Alberta making her way towards us, an envelope in her hands.

Seeing the white paper, I couldn't help but break out in a cold sweat. Was there another letter?

"Rose, Belikov, I'm glad I caught you," Alberta greeted us, holding the envelope to me, "This just arrived for you."

She appeared unworried, which helped calm me. Curious, I took the envelope. My name was scribbled on the front in familiar handwriting. I could tell there was something in there other than a letter. I tore it opened and tipped it onto my hand, a small silver ring landing on my palm. Confused, I passed it to Dimitri to hold as I unfolded the included letter.

Rose, I was given this by another spirit user in Baia. She said that it will help control the darkness by healing some of it. It is infused with spirit. It should last until I get there with another. She hopes to meet you one of these days.

I had hoped to bring it to you myself, but I am unable to get away currently. I will be sure to be there for your upcoming trials.

Take care of yourself.

A.

Two things stood out to me, he knew another spirit user and that the ring could heal the darkness. In all of our research into spirit and me being shadow-kissed, I never saw anything about being able to heal darkness with a ring.

Dimitri held the ring in between his thumb and finger, examining it, "What is it?"

"Apparently, it can help heal the darkness in me," I answered, taking it from his hand. Abe said it was infused with spirit. Moroi can infuse objects with the elements, even Lissa doing so to the stake she used to restore me. Why not into everyday objects to heal.

Holding it in my palm, I didn't feel much of anything from it. I slipped it onto my finger, surprised to find it fit. At first, nothing, but slowly I could feel a sliver of something. It was similar to how it felt when Lissa would heal but very muted.

It wasn't much, but there was a slight clearing, almost like a haze lifting. The tension left my body, emotions that were feeling agitated eased, not disappearing completely, but instead was pushed back so that they weren't as oppressive.

I blinked a couple of times. I haven't felt this relaxed in a while.

"Rose?"

I turned my gaze to Dimitri; he was eyeing me with concern, realising I had been standing here in silence. "Sorry, I was just… feeling," I explained. My response didn't ease his worries.

"Feeling?"

"Feeling calm."

Alberta was studying the ring on my hand. I wasn't sure how much she was aware of spirit and how it affected Lissa and me. "The ring is calming you?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I can't really explain it. It's kind of like everything has been pulled back a bit." I tried to explain in a way they would understand. It wasn't so much that my emotions were muted but that I was given clarity to control them better.

"Okay then," She shared a look with Dimitri, something passing between them that I couldn't decipher, "Well, I have to get back. I'll check in later." With that, she retreated the way she came.

I focused on the ring, running my thumb along the smooth metal. It wasn't the fanciest piece of jewellery, but there was something charming about the simple look.

"So you think it's working?" Dimitri asked, studying me.

"Guess we will find out. Just need to wait for someone to piss me off," I smirked at Dimitri.

He sighed, "That shouldn't take too long to happen."

I mocked hurt, elbowing him in the arm, "I always keep my calm."

"Roza, you are many things, but calm is not one of them." He smiled at me, affection shining through.

Yep, I was very happy this man was mine.