If you left a review, thank you thank you! Answers at bottom because spoilers. Hope this feels like effective (and hot wink-wink) resolution. I started writing this story intending to be pure self-indulgence, and ended up with both of them being genuinely flawed people, even though I love them both dearly, which is maybe not why people come to kinky smut, but...I really hope you like it!
Lily collapsed against the wall two corridors down from Slytherin, still invisible, sobbing in earnest now. She wanted to scrub the night off her body, but more than that she just never wanted to move again. Rather than go all the way back to Gryffindor Tower, she Charmed open the first empty classroom she could find.
Lily tried a half-dozen times to Transfigure the desk into a bed, managing only to make the surface plush and squishy—which, with the dark oak finish, gave the unfortunate impression that she was sleeping on rotten wood. It was not lost on her that even drunker and higher than she, James could've managed it in a heartbeat.
As she finally drifted into a fitful sleep atop the desk, beneath the Cloak and a blanket she'd summoned from the dormitory, Lily felt spitefully glad to be far from the Tower. If James really loved her he'd come find her.
Lily woke sluggishly, head feeling heavy in that morning-after way that warned of the ache to come as soon as she dared to sit up. Even tucked beneath her blanket with dark red four poster curtains drawn, she felt strangely cold, and it took her a moment to realize she was missing the lovely heaviness of James draped behind and around her. She rolled over in search of his body—sure enough, the movement brought headache with it—but she was all alone.
James never came, Lily thought, without understanding what that meant.
Then she remembered.
Lily sat up and pushed the curtains apart to see that—yep—she was still in the classroom where she'd collapsed last night.
And James never came.
At least Lily had done a significantly better job than she recalled of Transfiguring the desk into a bed. That ought to be some comfort, she supposed.
It wasn't.
James never came.
Lily Summoned Hangover Potion from her room—two vials, by habit. She rolled her eyes at herself, and almost Vanished the extra out of spite, but ultimately tucked it away in her robe pocket. She drew her robes more securely around herself, recast yesterday's Glamour to give the impression she wore clothes beneath them, tucked James's Invisibility Cloak in her pocket, and headed for the door.
Lily discovered she had locked the door, though she didn't remember doing that either, and this time she felt a more sincere rush of pride. She was clever and responsible. She was strong and independent, and she could take care of herself, even when wasted. She didn't need some pureblood toerag who bragged about knowing where to stick it, not when he didn't care enough to…
Lily shoved the door open with a vengeance, and bumped straight into a rather large pair of legs.
"OI!" The owner of the legs scrambled to his feet and then immediately hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut, grabbing at his black curls and fumbling to catch his specs as they fell off his face and cursing in clear pain.
Shocked and suddenly off-balance, Lily froze in the doorway. "James," she whimpered, quiet and small and not at all the furious diatribe she had imagined unleashing on him, but he had crammed his spectacles back on and his eyes were…drinking her. Gulping her down. Lily realized with a jolt that she had not let him see a single piece of her since before the fight with the Slytherins, and she did not miss the way his shoulders dropped, his whole body relaxed as he took her in.
"Lily." Joy and relief seeped from every twitch of his lips as he formed her name. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his clothes were fresh since yesterday, but rumpled and untidy, robes untied, shirt untucked, hair mad. From off-kilter glasses to mismatched socks, he looked so messy, and Lily's hands itched to trace the tangled lines. He moved unsteadily toward her…
"About damn time." Lily folded her arms over her chest and stood up straight, battling every impulse and glaring ferociously up at him. Not for the first time or the last, she wished mess looked worse on James Potter.
James blinked. "What?"
"Good of you to show up," Lily snapped. "Swung by on your way to Charms, did you? How chivalrous."
"What? No, I…" James rubbed his eyes beneath his specs, looking entirely too tired for this conversation.
Well, tough. So was Lily.
"This isn't—this is not enough, James. You don't just get to show up in the morning looking sorry for yourself" (the extra Hangover Cure was burning a hole in Lily's pocket) "and expect that to make everything alright. I waited all night for you to—"
"Show up in the…Lily, I've been here all night! You can't seriously be mad at me for...I thought you didn't want to see me!"
Lily rolled her eyes, folding her arms tightly over her chest. "What a conveniently unfalsifiable story."
"Unfalsifiable…you really think I'm lying right now?"
"I don't know what to believe, James. After last night…"
"Maybe the fact that you're not dead after last night ought to be a hint, Evans," he barked, anger sparking in his eyes. "After you decided to knock out with the door unlocked and junior Death Eaters on the loose—"
"I locked the—"
"No, I locked the door," James roared, "And then I sat in the corridor trying desperately not to fall asleep for four sodding hours, because they've got ways of tracking muggleborns, and you're the one who's good at Memory Charms, but you sodding left, so I had no idea if I'd Modified their memories well enough that they wouldn't hunt you down and…What were you thinking, Lily?"
Perhaps there was a way James could have told her that would have left her grateful, but all she could feel now was outrage, compounded by the embarrassment of having thought she was more self-sufficient than she was. She stared at him in furious disbelief. "Are you…Are you seriously sitting here telling me the dangers of being a muggleborn at Hogwarts, James Potter? Is that actually happening to me today?"
James blanched. She watched as her words penetrated and his shoulders sagged, all the fight going out of him in a few devastating seconds. "You weren't in your room," he finally said, voice broken. "I went to—I just wanted to see you, but you weren't there, and, Lily, I thought—I didn't know—and then I couldn't find the Map, and then it took me five minutes to find you on it, and what if—you could've…I'm sorry I yelled. I just…it was horrible."
Lily swallowed, stomach dropping. "I was wearing the Cloak," she mumbled, unsure if she was defending herself or consoling him.
James' lips twitched. "The blanket was on top of it, love."
Oh. Drunk Lily wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. And there was something else she mustn't have had the brains for after all…"You did the bed, too," Lily sighed.
It wasn't really a question, but he nodded. "I thought you'd be sore. Was…was that bad? I'm sorry."
"Save your apologies, Potter," Lily said coldly. She wanted to be angry, not grateful, and so the discovery that he had taken care of her in the morning only compounded her frustration over everything he hadn't done last night. "You need them elsewhere."
James swallowed. "I know."
"Well?"
He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry, Lily. I'm so, so sorry."
Lily folded her arms over her chest. "For?"
"For everything. For what I said—for trying to shag after, er, after the fight, instead of checking on you, and for talking like you have to be strong all the time, and—fuck—for making you cry…" Lily nodded, but continued to watch him expectantly, and James ran an awkward hand through his hair. A hint of skepticism crept into his tone amidst the regret: "And…er…for shagging other birds before you, but not fancying them enough?"
"Mmm. Is that all?"
"Er…"
"You don't think you have anything else to apologize for, Potter?"
"Ah…"
"So you feel great about when Rosier threatened to sexually assault me and your answer was, 'Like you'd even know where to stick it'?"
James's eyes widened and his Adam's apple bobbed. "I…I said that?"
Lily turned away from him in disgust (Her nose felt hot and tender. Her lips trembled. She willed the tears away). "Good to know it wasn't even important enough to you to commit to memory."
"Lily…baby, would you rather I remembered that?"
"Yes, I…well…" Okay, he might have had a point there.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated brokenly, running a hand through his hair. "I—it's not an excuse, but you know I was wasted, and I was angry, and I thought—I thought I was supposed to be angry…"
"What?"
"I just…" James bit his lip for a long moment, and then burst out: "You always tell me to ignore everything they say, and the only reaction it ever seems like you like is when I get wasted and pick fights with them, so that's what I was doing. That's what I thought you wanted."
"What are you talking about?"
"You're just so casual about all of it! When they say awful things, you just brush it off, and it never seems like it bothers you…except when you're drunk and it turns you on to watch me fight them, so I just…I dunno…let loose."
Lily shook her head in disbelief. "Of course it bothers me! Of course it hurts me! What, am I supposed to cry every time I get called a Mudblood in order to train my boyfriend to care? There's a sodding war on, James! If I did that I'd have cried every day for two years."
He looked genuinely terrified, and Lily couldn't help but take a bit of vindictive pleasure in that. Yeah, pureblood. This is what it's like.
"I have a hell of a lot of practice ignoring it, but every time it sucks," she continued. "And it sucks way less if you're beside me and you hold my hand and kiss my forehead and ask if I'm okay, but today I learned it sucks way, way more if you're beside me and you don't."
A long silence stretched between them, Lily nearly panting. "Lily…" James finally whispered, and he looked so much like a lost puppy that Lily threw him a bone.
"It's not really every day," she admitted, shoulders dropping. "Not anymore…Not since I've been with you, James. They're scared of you, I reckon, or of the Marauders, or maybe they just don't want to be blacklisted from every decent party in the school, I don't know. I haven't gotten it bad enough to be worth crying over since before Christmas hols."
James nodded slowly. "Until last night."
"Yeah…last night just made me feel like…like a walking, talking Fleshlight."
"A what?"
Lily rolled her eyes, put her hands on her hips. "Pardon me, I forgot to speak pureblood-ese: a dick sock."
James winced.
"It's not like I haven't heard all that shit about our relationship before," Lily muttered, "but it's never felt…true."
"Because it isn't true!"
"Isn't it?"
"No! Evans, what the—"
"You wanted to shag in the Slytherin Common Room, James, and I let you…"
James rubbed the bridge of his nose beneath his specs. "That was your idea…"
"…and you kept ordering me around, and you were basically fully dressed, and I had to be completely naked, and you kept, like, making me tell you how big your dick is, and you couldn't even be arsed to finger me, you made me do it myself—"
"But you liked it!" he finally interrupted. His eyes searched hers frantically. "D-didn't you?"
"Yes, at the time, but that's not the point…"
"Why not? Why do they get to decide what the point is? I…yeah, I like shagging you in public. I like telling you what to do. I like making you talk about my cock. But that stuff's good with you because it's you, because you want it…because it—it means you want me."
Lily watched him, uncertain and distrustful and insecure. James took a step toward her.
"They're full of shit, baby. They don't know anything about us, and the fact that they think I must be using you because I'm pureblood and you're not is proof of that. I know I should've asked you how you were, but it never occurred to me you'd be anything but pissed off. And I was wasted, so I'm just thinking, 'Oh, you don't like me shagging my muggleborn girlfriend? How do you feel about me worshipping her pussy 'til she squirts all over your couch?'"
Lily squirmed instinctively at the lewd sentiment, nose scrunching, and James laughed softly. He shook his head and bit his lip (pulling his jaw into sharp definition, Lily failed to ignore). "You're such a prude out of bed, love," he accused fondly. "Pussy." Lily flinched again, and his soft smile widened. "Squirt."
Again, Lily flinched and James laughed, but this time she felt a stab of embarrassed annoyance. "If you can't take this seriously, Potter—"
"No, I can, I'm sorry!" he said quickly, smile dropping. "I—I'm saying you're the last thing in the world from a…" (it was James's turn to cringe) "a dick sock. Lil, we're hot and we're horny and we're in love, and I—" he broke off again, running a hand through his hair, and when he continued, his voice was choked. "I'm so fucking sorry for hurting you. I want to punch myself in the face for making you cry, but I…I'm not sorry for shagging you like you wanted to be shagged, and you shouldn't be either. They don't get to make you feel like that was anything but fucking hot."
A long silence.
Lily dipped her hand into the pocket of her robes and pulled out the vial of Hangover Potion. She held it out to James. A small peace offering. He took it with a surprised smile, grateful if hesitant, his fingers brushing her palm. He popped the cork off and tossed it back in one swallow, Adam's apple bobbing prominently. His brow smoothed at once, the headache-induced tension melting away, and Lily couldn't help a small smile at seeing his pain soothed.
"Thank you, baby."
Lily nodded. "It was…it was kind of sexy, wasn't it?" she mumbled.
James grinned crookedly. "I jerked off twice in the hallway thinking about it. Kinda hated myself for it, definitely could've gotten caught, but my cock didn't know about the fight, it just knew you were right on the other side of the wall, so…needs must." He eyed her hopefully, clearly looking for signs of amusement, but his words had triggered another memory from last night, and her face showed her discomfort. The hope died in James's eyes. "Fuck, I didn't mean that to be…degrading, or…"
"You really aren't bothered about getting caught, huh?" Lily interrupted him.
"Er…"
"Like, sort of the opposite of bothered, actually." Lily pitched her voice an octave lower to imitate him: "Are they gonna hear you? Do you want them to hear you? Do you want them to know how good I am at shagging, pet?"
"Lily…"
"If it was about us," Lily said, keeping her voice forcefully steady, "about doing something we thought was sexy, and not about you and your ego, then why were you so bloody desperate for somebody else to catch us?"
"It's not that I want to get found…"
"It sure seemed like it last night…"
"I want you to want that," James tried to explain. "I want you to want people to know about us."
"The whole school knows about us," Lily said, bewildered. "We're Head Boy and Girl, and you're James Potter. We're not exactly anonymous when we walk down the corridor holding hands."
James scrubbed at his hair. "Yeah, I know, but…whatever. It doesn't matter."
"It matters to me," Lily snapped, anger flaring again. "You still haven't given me a fucking explanation of why my privacy is less important to you than the whole school knowing about James Potter's giant dick."
"That's not—I want you to be proud of me!" James burst out, his voice cracking, his eyes blazing into hers. "I just want proof that you're not with me because I wore you down, that every so often you don't look at me and think, "Ugh, I can't believe I'm dating Potter." Lily froze, wide-eyed, but he looked away from her abruptly, scuffing the floor with his shoe.
"James," Lily breathed, "do I make you feel like I do?"
"No, I dunno, not…" he swallowed hard, still staring at the ground. "Not anything you do, but...every day, I think, 'Fuck, I can't believe I'm dating Evans,' so...it just makes sense, right? You hated me for as long as I fancied you."
"Ev-every day?"
He ran his hand back through his hair. "You're…we…" James shrugged, his shoulders inching up and then down so slowly it was as if they carried the sky. When he spoke again, his voice was gravelly and his eyes were back on hers, searching hers. "I'm really happy."
"I'm happy too," Lily whispered. "I am proud of you. I feel so lucky just holding your hand."
"You…you are? You do?"
"Yeah." She took a step toward him. "And when you put your arm around me, it's like…James is mine. James," she repeated reverently. "Mine." Another step forward. She pressed her fingers to her chest. "I feel it right here."
His lips only turned very slightly up, but his warm hazel eyes crinkled at the edges, so she knew his smile was real.
Despite fiddling with his hair every seven seconds for the whole conversation, he had never bothered to right the way his specs sat very slightly askew on his nose, and Lily finally succumbed to the urge she'd been fighting all morning and reached up with both hands to set them straight, her eyes fixed on his the whole time.
"Lily," his voice came out a little hoarse. "Can I hold you?"
Her hands dropped until her fingers brushed his shoulders. "Yes, please."
He surged forward, curling down around her, arms banding tight around her middle. Hers wrapped around his neck and she sighed into him, whole body relaxing into the hug. It had not been eight hours since he'd held her, but she felt starved for him, frantic and desperate. She would've been embarrassed by the intensity of her reaction to his touch if not for the broken, stuttering breath he released into her neck, the needy clench of his fingers on her back. She came by her codependence honestly, it would seem.
At great length, they pulled back from the hug, and Lily smacked her boyfriend's chest. "I'm happy," she repeated pointedly, "When you're not being a twat."
He wrapped one arm around her shoulders and pulled her back in for a moment, laughing into her hair. "Fair dues," he mumbled. His free hand found hers, and he laced their fingers together tightly, then tilted his chin to kiss her forehead. "Hey," he said, "Last night sucked. Are you okay?"
Lily realized what he was doing, and she might have giggled, but the fact was she'd damn well been right. It really did make the whole thing suck less. "I'm okay," Lily whispered, and both she and James let out a long exhale. Even in the course of that breath, though, Lily realized that wasn't quite true. Something was still bothering her.
James noticed. "What?"
"Nothing!" Lily mumbled. "I'm fine!" And it was true, she told herself. She was fine.
"Lily…"
"It's stupid." They'd talked about everything that really mattered from last night. They didn't have to rehash literally every line of the conversation, they weren't first-year girls.
"Bet it's not."
"Just forget it." Until now, Lily had comfortably held the moral high ground. She was the wronged party, the muggleborn victim of prejudice. She really, really didn't need to venture into insecure girlfriend territory.
"I can't just—"
"Did you really not 'give a shit' about the other girls?"
Oops.
"…Oh."
He led her to the bed and sat down then, hand slipping slowly down and off her back as she sat too. Lily looked uncertainly up at him to see that he was biting his lip, cracking his knuckles, looking rather nervous himself.
"No," he admitted at length. "I wanted to have sex with you. I couldn't, so I had sex. But" (defiantly) "I never promised anything else. I don't think I owe anybody a tappy fousha."
Lily blinked. "A... a what?"
He scratched his head. "You said they should get a hug and a tappy foushah..."
"James..." Lily wracked her brains for what she might have said. Then she started to giggle. "Do you think you're saying therapy voucher?"
"Yeah! A thappy vouchah!"
Lily laughed harder. "Purebloods don't have therapy? Actually, never mind. That explains a lot...But, James...that's not how girls think. What you did—what I've seen you do, because this isn't a very big school—"
"And you were paying attention?" he prodded hopefully.
Lily rolled her eyes, but couldn't deny it. "What you did—flirt and laugh and touch them in public and make stuff...um...good for them in private...I don't know many teenage girls who could do that and not get attached."
James folded his arms over his chest. "So, what, now I'm not allowed to make girls come unless I'm in love with them?"
"Now you're certainly not," Lily snapped instinctively, and James snorted, lips twitching up in a smirk.
"Jealousy looks good on you."
"All emotions look good on me," Lily said primly. "I'm well good-looking."
His grin broadened. "I'm aware."
She looked down at the bed, tracing the pattern with a finger. He had hurt girls before. She knew that. And maybe she'd be letting down womankind if she didn't sit here and browbeat him into knowing it too, but if she was honest, that wasn't what was bothering her. Maybe Lily was a crap feminist, but what she really wanted wasn't an admission that the other girls should have mattered. She wanted a promise that she did matter.
"I know you I didn't mean to lead anyone on," she mumbled, so quietly that he had to lean in to hear her. "But you had a lot of casual sex...before me."
"Oh," James said awkwardly. "Well...yeah. I didn't know it...bothered you. That you're not my only—I mean, my first."
"I don't...it's not...it doesn't bother me much, usually, and..." Lily blushed, "I'm well aware that things wouldn't have been as good between us at the start if you hadn't already, erm, honed your craft…" James smirked, and Lily's mouth twitched when she stole a glance at him, but then she quickly looked back down at the covers. "But last night it felt like…" her voice shrank farther as she tried to hide its shaking (or perhaps, tried to stop James hearing her at all) "...like you didn't need to, um," Fucking hell, she was going to cry. Why hadn't she just stayed in safe feminism territory? "to take care of me, because if we...because you could just get another one."
James made a frustrated (angry? Hurt? She couldn't bring herself to look to find out) noise in the back of his throat, and his arms came back up around her. He pulled her—yanked, really—into his lap, one arm around her shoulders and one around her legs, her head tucked beneath his chin, cradling her like a small child.
"I don't want another one," James said roughly. "I want you. I love you. I need you. After this whole night, isn't it obvious that…you make me better, Lily. You make me want to be better. And that's not...there's a million other...I'd love you for you, no matter what you do for me, but for seven years you've been the only one who called me out on my bullshit, and I can't…" Lily was shaking, and she realized suddenly that it was because his arms were shaking around her… "please don't make me live without that. I don't ever want to be who I'd be without you."
Lily wiped her eyes and looked up at him. "Ever?"
James coughed. "Er...I mean…" His neck flushed a blotchy pink. He looked as if he hoped she might let him off the hook, but Lily just stared, eyes wide and brows lifted in question. His hand left her legs to ruffle his hair. "I'm sev-eighteen...I dunno 'ever,' but I...I can't imagine a me that doesn't want to be with you," he finished very quickly.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
A smile started to spread across Lily's face, and by the time she tilted it up to meet his eye it was a full-fledged smirk. "God, Potter, why are you so obsessed with me?"
James grinned slowly, and his forehead dropped to meet hers. "I dunno if anyone's mentioned this to you before, Evans, but you're kind of hot."
"Is that right?" Lily asked faintly, heart beating absurdly hard in response to the objectively lackluster compliment. Maybe it was the way her chest felt light again, like now that they had lifted every single weight that last night had left behind, her heart was finally free to dance the conga between her ribs. "That's nice for me."
"Nicer for me," James murmured back. "Since I'm the one who does most of the looking." His eyes darted to her lips, two inches from his now.
"How about the kissing?" Lily whispered. "Do you do that?"
"Generally. But…" he looked a little shy all of a sudden... "sometimes I really, really fuck up, and then I—I worry, even after we've talked about it, and I think we're okay, and I really, really, really want to, er, do the kissing—"
He was too cute to resist. Lily seized both his blushing cheeks in her hands and pulled his mouth to hers.
James sighed into her kiss, his arms wrapping tight around her even as she felt his shoulders drop, the last and largest exhale of the tension from the fight. She parted his lips with her tongue and he answered enthusiastically, angling his head and licking back into her mouth. She pulled off his glasses.
I'm good at this, his lips and tongue and hands seemed determined to remind her. We're good at this. You like being in my lap…You like being held by me…You like kissing me. Here's why.
They kissed luxuriously, bonded at the mouth, for a very long time. His arms felt warm and safe and his mouth tasted like love and being angry at him was so exhausting and any time spent not being held like this—kissed like this—was time wasted, Lily decided.
She was still sat sideways in his lap, and his hand found her ankle, grazed slowly up her calf as his mouth moved down her jaw and neck. He bit and Lily whimpered, dragging her nails through his hair. His mouth broke from her skin even as his hands tightened hard.
"You want to be shagged," James realized aloud.
Lily blushed, but there was no point trying to deny the meaning of that whimper. "I…I missed you last night."
James paused only long enough to pull off his shirt, then pressed his lips back to hers, kissed her harder, deeper. "I missed you too, baby."
Lily's small hand trailed down his chest to cup him through his trousers, and she giggled when she found him already hard. "I can tell."
He grinned back, a slightly pained smile as he restrained a groan, but then he squeezed her waist and pulled back slightly. "Are you sure? I don't want to have sex if—I mean, I need you to know that's not all this…"
"I do know," Lily promised, cupping his cheek, squeezing his cock. "I just…don't want those shitbirds to have tainted our last time for another second."
James's eyes darkened further. "I'm so fucking in love with you," he growled, and kissed her again.
Lily climbed up to straddle him, and she released his length, only to slide forward in his lap to grind against him, her legs curling behind his back like a lotus. James groaned when he tugged her robes open and realized that she had never returned to her room for panties.
His hands slid beneath the fabric to cup her bum and squeeze, building more friction as they kissed. His mouth dropped from hers to her chest and he tugged her nipple into his mouth at once, sucking and swirling his tongue. Lily cupped his head to her chest, whining pitifully under his ministrations. At length, her other breast began to feel abandoned, and she tried to steer his head left, but James was having none of it.
"Merlin—and I—are busy," he murmured between wet, wanton kisses. "Agrippa—can wait—her turn." Lily sighed pointedly, one hand leaving him to play with her own nipple, but James slapped her hand away and replaced it with his own. "Mine."
Something about that possessive growl sent Lily a little bit feral, and she bucked her hips into his again, riding his fully-clothed lap as she searched for friction. James thrust up into her and broke from her breast to watch her move over him.
"Fuck," James murmured. "Fuck, you're perfect." He reached down to spread her wet folds, then rub two fingers in gentle circles. Lily whined, her face falling into his shoulder.
James wasn't having that, and his other hand pulled her face back to his. "C'mere."
As pleasure unfurled softly inside her, Lily sighed into her boyfriend's mouth. His fingers set a deliciously slow rhythm, gentle and luxurious, but after a few minutes she started to feel impatient for more. Lily was moments away from reaching for his belt when James pulled away from the kiss, studying her with a strange new intensity. He pulled his hand away and wiped it on his thigh.
"What?" Lily asked shyly.
"I want to try something," he answered cryptically. Lily raised her eyebrows, and James reached into his pocket and pulled out his wand, held it out on his palm in the space between them. "I think it would be...fun...if I used this to touch you."
Lily stared.
"I'm sure you know it can vibrate," James said quickly, feigning casual bravado so well that Lily would have bought it if she didn't know any better. "It's supposed to feel really good for birds…" Lily nodded, but he must have seen her apprehension because he rushed on: "I've never happened to try it on a girl before, so it's not, er, contaminated, if that's what you're thinking, or…"
"I do have pureblood friends, James," Lily whispered.
James swallowed. He ran a hand through his hair. Falsely calm: "Er...what do you mean?"
Lily had been amazed, in fifth year, by how suddenly everyone around her seemed to be diving into hooking up with each other. Sure, it was the seventies, but…damn. She'd hesitantly asked her older, pureblood friend Marlene McKinnon whether wizarding society had any version of the common Muggle taboos around sex before marriage, and Mar had been shocked.
"What, no sex at all? How ghastly." Lily had laughed, but Marlene looked pensive. "Well, I suppose you don't have wands, do you?"
Most young witches experimented with their wands at some point alone in their beds. Long and thin and self-cleaning and could be made to move literally any way you wanted them to?
Yeah...you were going to put it somewhere dirty.
But, Marlene had pointed out, "If you were really horny and out of options and I offered you my wand—you know it's been cleaned, and I'm fine with you using it...you wouldn't, right? 'Cause I have. That's nasty." Lily had nodded slowly. "Well, it's the same with blokes' wands, innit? You wouldn't want it inside you if you knew it had been in another girl, so they wait 'til they know you're the one." Marlene had shrugged, tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder. "There's your wedding night first. And I've heard it's really hot."
Two years later, straddling James Potter's lap, Lily's eyes darted anxiously between his."I know what that...I know that's for your wedding night," Lily said.
"Oh."
Lily nodded slowly. She watched herself trail a finger up and down his collarbone as he swallowed visibly. "You, um...you weren't going to tell me?"
"I was...probably. It...would've come up eventually."
"On our wedding night, maybe."
He shrugged. "Sure, then, or—" He broke off at her shocked exhale. "I mean...fuck, Evans. You tricked me."
"Pot, kettle, black," Lily said, looking pointedly at the wand still in his hand.
"I wasn't trying to trick you," James said hotly. "It's not a possessive thing. Blokes don't care. I'm the only one who couldn't use it again. If you wanted, you could have another man's wand tomorrow." He spoke the last few words through gritted teeth.
Lily nodded slowly. "But then…why did you want to do it?"
James scrubbed a hand through his hair and avoided her eye. "I told you, I thought it would be fun."
"But that can't be the only..."
"Why not?"
"Because that's not enough reason to give up—"
"Why not?" James demanded again, eyes blazing into hers. "I want to make you happy, and it's supposed to make you feel better than anything else in the world. Why else does anyone do it on their wedding night?"
Oh.
He was eighteen, and he didn't have any idea what forever meant, but he wanted it with her anyway. He wanted to make her happy more than he could imagine ever wanting that with anyone else.
And—the kicker—he'd planned to give her this gift without ever revealing that it was a gift at all. Lily felt tears sting her eyes again, but she swallowed them down and kissed him, long and slow, hands on his face and love washing warm through her whole body. She pulled back and caressed his cheek.
"You weren't going to tell me," Lily breathed. "Does the fact that I know…change anything?"
James bit his lip. Fuck, he had good lips. A good nose, good eyes, good arms...he was good, this boy. "Well, do you—do you want to?"
Is this a bad idea? He meant. Are you going to break my heart?
"Please," Lily breathed, and a huge grin broke across James's whole face. Lily couldn't help but mirror it, and he kissed her through their smiles, teeth clashing. "Please."
James mumbled a Cleaning Charm on his wand between kisses, and then pulled back from Lily, their eyes still fixed on each other.
"I need it wet first," James almost-whispered. He brought the tip of his wand to hover at her lips. He didn't need it, really—he'd used a dry wand-cleaning Charm, but he could've cast Aguamenti—but Lily opened her mouth anyway, let him lay the tip of his wand on her bottom lip. The wood was warm, and she didn't know quite what she'd expected, but it tasted, somehow, like James—like pine and fresh air and boy—and Lily closed her mouth around it, sucked it farther in, two sets of eyes locked and rapidly darkening.
Struck by a sudden urge to taste more, Lily reached her tongue up, hesitantly, to lick his wand. Though her lips were closed and he could not have seen it, James must have felt it somehow, because his hand clenched and his shoulders tensed and a sudden rush of something poured from the end of his wand, something hot and good, some magic that cascaded down her throat but bypassed her stomach entirely for the place between her thighs.
Lily wriggled in his lap, eyes going wide, and James yanked his wand back instinctively.
"Baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to cast, I don't even know what I...are you…"
"Again," Lily whispered, hands coming up to cup his face, tongue darting out of her mouth in search of more. Whatever that involuntary magic had been, it had left her crazed for him, mind gone fuzzy at the edges, so wet and swollen she could feel herself dripping down her thighs, her hips moving frantically against his.
His cock twitched, and his wand-hand moved almost in sync with it, but he still looked nervous. "I don't...If that was a love spell, I don't want to...I feel like I'm taking advantage…"
"James." Lily tightened her hands around his jaw. "I always want you to shag me. Then you came in here and told me you want to be with me forever, and then you proved it with this—" she gripped the end of his wand, dragged it back toward her mouth— "I promise you did not need a love spell to get me randy. The only difference after whatever you just did is that if you don't start fucking me into this bed in the next seven seconds, I'm going to whip out my wand and do it myself." By the end of her speech, his hips were grinding back against her, and his hand on her back had come down to squeeze her ass.
Every movement against her clit felt more intense than it ever had before, and she was addicted to whatever spell her tongue had drawn from him. "Gimme more," Lily begged, and dipped her head to suck the end of his wand into her mouth again, this time wasting no time swirling her tongue around its tip. Heat poured out and down her body again, and Lily flung her head back, keening, fingernails digging into James's jaw and neck the only sensations keeping her grounded through the unearthly pleasure of his cock against her.
James made a sound halfway between growl and groan, deep and animalistic, and he tossed his wand aside to pull her harder against him with both hands.
"Weren't you gonna…" full sentences felt rather beyond her capacity at present, but Lily gestured lewdly between the wand on the bed and her bare center.
"Yeah," James said, the word coming out choked as Lily latched onto his neck and sucked. One hand released her to fumble with his briefs and tug himself free. "Was gonna. Am gonna." He stroked himself, and Lily watched, hips stuttering as she licked her lips involuntarily. "Me first."
To be honest, Lily wasn't pressed about it either way. She rutted her hips into his, and when he twisted her off his lap to lay her down on the bed, she whined for the ten seconds it took him to divest himself of trousers and briefs, climb atop her and push his thigh between her legs.
Lily whimpered into his neck, nails frantic on his back, hips overeager around his leg and his prick hard against her belly. Both fully naked now, the hot, sweaty weight of him over her felt obscenely good.
Left to his own devices, though, James might well decide to toy with her for twenty minutes, so Lily took matters in her own hands. She reached down between them and gripped his length, wrapping her legs around his waist at the same time so she could steer his tip to her entrance.
James didn't push inside yet, though. "Oh, did you want something?" his shit-eating grin belied the innocent confusion in his tone.
"James…"
"It sure feels like you want something…"
"James…"
"Wait a second…Lily Evans, were you hoping I would fuck you?"
"Potter," Lily hissed, and this might have been below the belt but she didn't bloody care: "You made your girlfriend cry last night. Stop fucking around and make it up to me."
In one strong, sure motion, he kissed her lips and filled her cunt.
"Oh," someone gasped, and it took Lily several seconds to realize it was both of them. He felt…this was…she had never…
"You're so tight." His words came out in a whimper, higher pitched than Lily had ever heard him. Lily might not be the only one affected by the magic, she registered hazily, but the way she wanted him left no room for consideration of the mechanics. Lily drove her fingernails into his shoulders as her eyes blazed.
"Move," she ordered.
James obeyed.
Bloody hell, James obeyed.
"Fucking—tight—wet—hot—Lily—unreal—LILY—baby—" he grunted between thrusts, between hot, sucking neck kisses, between hands clenching on her chest and thigh.
Lily did not even aim for words as she careened toward orgasm faster than she ever had in her life. He had been inside her for less than a minute when her whole body tensed and clenched and she shrieked with pleasure, screamed with it, whatever magic her tongue had drawn from his wand bringing her over the cliff harder than she'd ever fallen before. Still inside her, James pulled his face from her neck just to watch her, jaw dropping open.
When Lily collapsed back into the covers she couldn't move for a long moment, and then she reached for his face with one hand, the other feeling frantically around the bed for his wand. "More," she sobbed, "Again!" She felt half-junkie, half-child as she writhed beneath him, kicked her legs up around his hips, dug her heels into the back of his thighs and arse, urging him to move again. She bucked her hips into James's (he groaned) and then dropped her legs to the bed and kicked her feet against the bed like a toddler having a temper tantrum.
The idiot boy was still frozen, staring like he couldn't believe she existed. But she did exist, and so did her cunt, and so did his huge, throbbing cock, and so did his wand that could give her more of the magic that had blown her mind, and, "James, please! Gimme!"
He looked nervous now, though, eyes wide even as his pupils swallowed his irises, and when she tried to move against him he pulled out, still hard. "Baby, I don't know what I did to you…You've never come like that…"
Coming back into herself somewhat, Lily pulled away slightly, her hands sliding defensively between their bodies. "You didn't like it?"
"Are you insane?" he grabbed both her hands and pinned them beside her head, leaned down to kiss her hard, tongue punishing. "It was the hottest fucking thing that's ever happened to me. You made this sound…"
"Then more!"
"But—"
Lily wrenched her hands free. She flipped onto her belly and crawled up the bed away from him, much to James's chagrin. He reached for her bum and squeezed it, then tried to yank her back by a thigh. Lily giggled as he play-wrestled, gleefully kicking him away until she reached her own wand on the side-table. She flipped onto her back as he lunged up the bed, tackling her around the middle this time.
She cupped his jaw in one little hand, let him settle her legs around him, and pressed the tip of her wand to his lips.
"I don't know what it is either," Lily admitted in a whisper, "but...it's about love, right? It's for…" her voice shook with emotion, "for the night you give yourself to somebody...forever. How can that be anything but wonderful?"
James squeezed her waist. Slowly he smiled, then let his mouth fall open. Lily pushed her wand farther into his mouth, and James swirled his tongue over the tip. The next thing she knew, Lily's wand shook in her hand as magic cast itself. With his mouth open, she could see orange light fall from its tip and disappear down his throat as James closed his eyes, shuddering.
Suddenly, alongside all the thrill and arousal, Lily felt a little nervous. Drunk James, High James, and Crossed James were all very different men. Who was…Tongue-Triggered-Wedding-Night-Sex-Magic James?
Her answer came a second later, when he opened his eyes and silently pulled her legs away from his hips, then curled them into her body until he could roll her onto her front, back arched, knees in the sheets, bum in the air.
He pushed her legs apart to kneel between them, and the sudden rush of cold air on her center brought a new kind of desperation. With legs split apart, she felt open and needy…not just eager for something inside, but empty without him. She wriggled backward, seeking his warmth, but large, rough hands smoothed up her back to her shoulders, holding her in place as his knees held her open. James began to gently massage her, thumbs digging into her neck.
Where sex-drunk Lily was frantic and needy, James was slow and deliberate and left her giddy with anticipation.
"So pretty for me," he murmured sweetly. His knuckles ran up her neck, making her shiver, and then he swept her hair to one side and bent to kiss the newly bared skin. "So perfect," he murmured in her ear from behind. "Here's what's going to happen now, princess. You're going to take my cock in your pretty pink cunt and my wand in your pretty pink mouth, and you're going to suck until you don't know your name, and then you're going to keep sucking."
Lily shivered, gasped, pressed her backside back into him again.
James held her steady. "Shh, love. You'll get it. Be patient." He rubbed her spine with one hand, her neck with the other. "I'm going to protect you," he whispered then, abruptly serious. "I know I fucked up last night, Lily, but I'll always, always keep you safe. I'll die before anyone touches you."
God help her. "James..."
"And if I do..."
"Don't even think..."
"If I do, Lily...you'll find somebody else. You're too fucking beautiful and too fucking good not to."
"James, what are you...I don't want—" his hand came up to wrap around her mouth, quieting her.
"You'll find somebody else, baby, and you'll be happy with him, and that's what I want. But, Lily?"
He paused, seeming to really want an answer this time. His hand slipped away from her mouth—away from her body altogether, actually. "James?" she breathed.
He leaned back down until his lips brushed her ear, bracing his own weight against her spine and pressing her into the mattress. "He's never, ever going to fuck you like I'm about to."
Whew! Hope you like. I'm really having fun experimenting w flawed!kinky!Jily. Next chapter is a doozy. Speaking of which….how do ppl feel about Daddy kink? Asking for a friend lol
Anon guest reviewers: Thank you thank you thank you! TrueHomiePip: yeah I hope it came across that reckless teens /= wrong or not loving but I'm glad you liked Lily standing up for herself :) You're so right that it would've been awful if she regretted it lexiscribbles: hehe thank you! So glad you enjoyed nona: 333 thank you! Sara: WOW I'm so touched THANK you ily! I really hope I did handle everything sensitively - it was important to me that James see where and how he fucked up, but also that Lily understand that there's nothing wrong with the way they were having sex as long as they're both into it - I really didn't want the Slytherin fucks to wreck this thing that is genuinely lovely and fun and safe between them. CuriousGuest: "tbag the douchebags" I'm DEAD I love you for this and I will def keep writing ;) I'm not done w this universe and now that these kids have had the hard convo they're free to have plenty of fun xp BroeKen Glasz: tyty that's like exactly what I was trying to do so YAY! Even though James is the one who fucked up, they both had something to learn from each other. Lily is less experienced and thus more insecure about the kind of sex they're having when she doesn't need to be, so I hope that came across in this one :)
XOXO Gossip Girl
PS fun fact: Lily's boobs are called Merlin and Agrippa because that's what James said the first time he saw them, so they both pretended he was addressing them by name so he could save face.
