On Falling
Izzy's logic, an often unassailable force, failed to explain the rapid mood swings and anxious behaviors that Amy had exhibited in her dorm room. The gradual recovery of her emotional state during the car ride to the roller skating rink was a blessed relief. She prattled cheerfully in the passenger seat, and Izzy split his attention between a mostly one-sided conversation and thinking about what she had said earlier.
When you're with me, don't worry about norms and niceties. I like it better when you say things that no one else says.
The words were simple, yet they resounded in his head with all the sweetness of an orchestra reaching the climactic moment of a piece. So many people, even beloved ones like his parents and Joe, had tried to convince him to speak normally, to participate in those mind-numbingly dull daily exchanges. Why would I ask someone how they're feeling when I'm not interested? And why should I modify my natural mode of speech? Unfortunately, those honest questions elicited responses ranging from confusion to offense.
Izzy imagined approaching Amy and nodding in greeting. They could bypass smalltalk and dive directly into an actual topic, or he could listen to her chat. She didn't seem to mind his tendency to listen more than speak, and her voice was a pleasant background sound. It had a musical quality, like listening to a songbird or a wind chime by the window.
From the depths of his mind, memories of Shauna surfaced. She often coached him through interacting with her friends and complained when he failed to speak enough. But those thoughts were dangerous and infuriating, and he quickly stifled them.
"Izzy?"
He twitched, but thankfully kept the car moving straight ahead. Izzy glanced at Amy and found her staring at him. "Er- Yes?" he said weakly.
"Are you okay? You kinda… zoned out."
"Ah. Pardon me." Sensing that it was time for him to put effort into the conversation, he inquired about her first week of school.
"It's going alright," Amy replied. "It seems like it's going to be tough. I'm taking organismal biology and orgo with Joe, and also calculus, a vocal performance class, and a performance class. Joe is great at chemistry, and I'm good at biology, so we've been helping each other. You?"
Izzy sighed, knowing that he was about to sound conceited. Still, he didn't see the point of lying, and he didn't care to bother softening his words. Besides, if something in his personality was going to drive her away, well… better now than later.
"I've been disappointed so far. I registered for the most advanced classes I could take, but the professors haven't mentioned anything I don't know." His hands flexed on the wheel, and he swallowed hard, wondering how poorly she would react.
He could feel Amy staring at his profile. "You sound so disappointed… I was worried about this. You're too smart for me to keep up with."
There was a pause as Izzy faltered over a response. He knew he was more intellectually able than most people. He never pointed it out verbatim, but it tended to come up, often with disastrous effect, which was so unfair. An athlete was praised when he outperformed another athlete. But if Izzy utilized his mental strengths, people often reacted as if he was trying to make everyone in the room look stupid.
But that line of thinking wouldn't generate a response, so he fumbled along. "I've enjoyed your company so far."
"So far?" Amy echoed, and Izzy grimaced and glanced over, checking the damage. He was surprised to find her shoulders shaking with quiet laughter.
He returned his attention to the road and exhaled. "And I appreciate your well-developed sense of humor."
"Eh," Amy said, shrugging in his peripheral vision. "I just don't take myself that seriously. You know, most of the time."
"Most of the time?" Izzy smiled as he turned the car into the skating rink parking lot. "May I ask when you do take yourself seriously?"
"When I'm singing. And when I'm right."
"Oh?" Izzy parked, cut the ignition, and turned to her with a grin. An oddly playful tone snuck into his voice. "And how often, exactly, are you right?"
She sighed and averted her eyes, the perfect picture of overblown regret. "Not nearly so often as I would like."
Izzy shook his head, impressed by her ability to utilize vagueness. Her answer could have meant anything: that she wanted to be right all the time, but had made one mistake in her life, that she was rarely right, that she was sometimes right, but wished it were more often… He wondered, was she clever, careful, secretive, or all three?
"I wouldn't have expected you to be accomplished in misdirection," he said as he rose and shut the car door.
"It's a trap!" Amy laughed. But Izzy saw the slight, momentary tenseness in her facial muscles, and his brain sparked with curiosity.
Sadly, he was too distracted to investigate. "You just… quoted Star Wars."
"Yeeeeaah? Is there a problem?"
"What? Of course not. If anything, I'm relieved to have more conversation topics." He grabbed his skates from the back seat, locked up, and hastened to beat her to the door so he could open it for her.
"I'm kind of a geek," Amy said with a shrug. "I mean, I don't collect memorabilia or speak alien languages, but, yeah, I like sci-fi." She thanked him as she went through the doorway, then waited for him to follow. "I'm a little surprised you like it! I thought you were more interested in hard science."
He led the way to the queue for admission. "I'm not a big fan of passive entertainment, but I do have a weakness for science fiction." She gave him a curious look, so he continued. "I like Star Wars, Star Trek, Futurama, Firefly..."
Amy's hands flew together with delight. "I love those shows! We should play Mass Effect together. I know you said you're not a gamer, but I think you'll like it."
They were next in line, so Izzy was spared from answering, a double blessing. For one, he had apparently been lied to about young women being uninterested in geek culture. Furthermore, he had no idea how to respond to her video game proposal. Instead, he asked the clerk behind the counter for two tickets and a skate rental.
Amy tugged gently on his shirt sleeve. "One ticket. I'm paying for mine." He glanced at her, momentarily stunned into silence; Shuana had never offered to pay for anything. But then he recalled that they were not, in fact, on a date, and there was a baffling sinking sensation in his stomach. His hand clenched around his wallet when he identified it as disappointment.
"I suggested that we go roller skating," he said quietly.
"But I'm the one who asked you to do something with me. So, really, I should cover tonight."
"Please, indulge me. Allow a man his pride." Izzy wasn't sure why he was arguing. His mother had drilled politeness, particularly towards women, into his head, but he feared that something else was at work.
She stared at him, then grinned. "If you put it like that… I suppose I can oblige you, Mr. Darcy. Thank you." Then she crossed her arms and fixed him with what she likely meant as a firm expression, but her dopey smile ruined the effect. "But I'll pay next time, okay?"
Izzy let the reference slide without comment. He handed over the money, waited for his change, and slipped his wallet back in his pocket. "Hmm? Afraid I didn't hear you." Amy tched and gave his shoulder a playful swat, and Izzy smiled, pleased that this was going well enough to warrant a potential 'next time.'
They walked into the main portion of the rink, and Izzy sighed with relief when he saw the full railings around the skating area. The place was slightly run down, as everything related to college students seemed to be, but there were no real problems.
By the time he finished examining the rink, Amy returned with her skates. She sat at the bench closest to a rink entrance and removed her shoes, staring dubiously at the skates. "Are you nervous?" Izzy asked as he sat beside her. He slipped his feet into his skates, then watched her put hers on.
"Yes," she admitted. "The rink floor looks awfully hard."
"An inconsiderate feature of floors." She smiled, if reluctantly, and Izzy found himself smiling back. "I'm going to store my shoes in a locker. Would you like me to put your purse and shoes in with them?"
Amy gave the laces a massive tug. "Only if you promise that your shoes don't have cooties."
Strange girl. "Rest assured," he said, picking up her things. When he came back, she was standing, clinging to the railing like a safety line. Her legs trembled. Izzy's brow furrowed with concern.
Amy smiled ruefully. "I probably should have told you… I'm clumsy. And I get scared easily." Oddly, this admission didn't seem to embarrass her. More than anything, she looked frightened, and strangely vulnerable. Was learning to skate really so intimidating? Izzy cast about for a way to reassure her, to see her smile and joke again.
"Don't worry," he said, skating up to her. "I'll help you. Here." He held his hand out, but she edged away, worrying her lower lip.
"I'd like to work up my nerve for a while, if you don't mind." She tried to smile, but it looked more like an involuntary twitch of her lips. Baffled, but sensing that she did need a moment, Izzy entered the rink.
He got up to speed, and, for a moment, his enjoyment of working his legs and feeling air rush by made him forget about Amy. The light physical exertion kick-started his brain, making his thoughts more fluid, more creative, a sensation he craved. When he was on the opposite side of the rink, he glanced at Amy and found her studying the skaters. Since she was at least occupied, Izzy allowed himself a few turns around the rink before he returned.
"Enjoying yourself?" he asked, with faint sarcasm. One of Amy's arched brows rose. Fantastic; she was rising to his bait, just as he had hoped.
"I'm working my way up to it." Her tone was equal parts defensive and anxious, but that was better than the lost voice from earlier. "You're really good! I like that thing you do when the rink curves, where you put one leg behind the other. I'm guessing that lets you take the turns without slowing?"
"Precisely, and thank you," Izzy said, hoping he didn't sound as surprised as he felt. It wasn't every day that he was praised for something athletic. "Now, having seen me skate… Do you trust me to teach you?"
Amy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Alright. I just hope I don't fall and knock you over."
"You won't. I have brakes." Amy nodded, then pulled herself to the gap in the railing, using her hands to move instead of the skates. Finally, she stepped onto the wooden surface, lifting her feet, trying to walk instead of skate. By now, Izzy was itching to slam his palm to his face.
Amy's grip on the railing slipped, and she drifted away from it, which wasn't ideal when there was oncoming traffic. Izzy moved to the side of her body that was further from the railing. Joe had said something about not touching Amy, but she was going to get run over by other skaters if she just stood there, so he took hold of her upper arm, intending to guide her back.
She flailed, and Izzy gasped, throwing his weight onto the brakes at the front of his skates. "Amy!" he cried, "what are you doing?" There was a loud, repetitive clacking, and Izzy glanced down and saw that she was trying to run. She looked like a cartoon character, working her legs with overblown effort, but getting nowhere, knocking herself off balance and waving her arms to compensate. It looked so ludicrous that he laughed, even as he struggled to hold her up by the waist.
Mercifully, Amy froze. "What's so funny?!" she demanded, her voice high and strained. Smiling, Izzy edged her towards the railing. She grabbed it with both hands.
"You," he answered, so amused that he didn't catch his impoliteness. "You're hilarious. Do you honestly believe that running in skates will get you anywhere?" Confusion clouded her expression. The fear seemed to drip away, replaced with uncertainty.
"You want to bend your knees slightly. It will improve your balance, and, frankly, put you closer to the ground in the event that you fall. Then, push gently with one foot, and then the other." She still looked baffled, so he tried to fight down his amusement and speak more clearly. "I can tell you're frightened, and that's alright. I'm here to assist you."
"Because I'm afraid of skating," Amy said slowly. Izzy scowled, unsure what to make of her complex tone.
"There's nothing else to fear here," he pointed out. A slow smile passed Amy's face, and Izzy could have sworn that he saw ironic amusement there, but he was at a loss to explain it. "I'm going to skate backwards and watch you, so you need to tell me if there's something behind me."
"You can skate backwards?!" Amy demanded, looking somewhat ruffled.
"It's merely the opposite of going forward," was his off-hand reply. "Now, please. Stop using the railing for momentum. Generate it with your feet." Frowning with concentration, Amy shifted her left foot forward, and the right foot moved backwards simultaneously, causing her to slip and stumble. Izzy grabbed her arm to steady her, shaking his head. "Try again."
Amy continued to make strange, clumsy mistakes, causing Izzy to correct her, but after a few trips around the rink, she was skating on her own. True, her legs were trembling, she moved slowly, and she seemed to occasionally forget how to work up momentum, but she was learning. Izzy was impressed by her effort. Her brow was furrowed, the tip of her tongue stuck out from between her teeth, and each movement of her legs was made with evident care. Better still, she never snapped when he told her to do something differently. She simply nodded and did what he suggested.
They had been at it for about twenty minutes when Amy looked up from her skates and smiled. "I think I'm okay. Why don't you skate on your own? You looked like you were having a lot of fun earlier, and I feel like I'm holding you back."
"That would be impolite," Izzy said promptly.
"I want you to, though. It's fun to watch you. You looked more at ease than I've ever seen you when you were skating." Izzy stared at her, surprised by her ability to sense his emotional climate. Then he nodded and reversed himself so that he was skating beside her.
"Very well. If you need anything, flag me down. Don't stray from the railing." With that, he sped off, sinking back into that fluid mind frame. He considered a challenging math problem that had been nagging him, and a burst of new theories rushed along his neurons.
Eventually, his eyes fell on Amy as he passed from behind her, and math was unceremoniously chucked out of his head. She was getting braver, making longer strides, and her dress (and honestly, why was she wearing a dress to a roller skating rink?) twirled around her hips. And that's when it really struck him: drunk or no, Mimi had been correct about Amy's shape. She was voluptuous, an endless series of curves. And her hips… Unconsciously, he turned his head as he passed her, so that he could keep looking. When he noticed her chest, he forcibly turned away.
I'm ogling her, he realized with horror. My mother would kill me. What is wrong with me? He tried and failed to rationalize his behavior. Growing desperate, he switched tactics, and tried to convince himself that she was too heavy to be attractive. This line of thought left a shameful aftertaste and had zero efficacy; she was just as interesting on the next pass.
For all of his short life, Izzy was uncomfortably aware that his sexual desires were feeble compared to his male peers. To him, the needs of the body were fleeting, and he had better things to do than pursue them. But he wasn't entirely disinterested, and he admitted that the female form was appealing. He could still see Shauna's body in his mind's eye, willowy and graceful, slim and tanned, boyish and charming. And the physical sensations of intimacy were not easily forgotten. The trouble was, neither was the pain that had accompanied them, which brought him full circle to the problem of finding himself attracted to Amy.
Izzy glanced at her again, hoping to find that something had magically changed. In a way, it did; she gasped and dropped, plummeting for no apparent reason. Izzy's heart jumped to his throat, but Amy managed to grab the railing. She hung from it, feet sliding helplessly beneath her. After a moment of shock, she began to laugh so hard that she couldn't pull herself up.
Izzy checked for traffic, then skated straight across the rink. He came to a halt beside her. "Would you like some help?" he asked, clearing his throat to press down a laugh.
"Did you see that?!" she asked, sounding oddly ecstatic about having nearly wiped out. "I caught myself like a ninja!"
"Well done," he said dryly. "Although I doubt a ninja would have fallen in the first place."
"I dunno, do ninjas roller skate?" Amy squished her lips together and glanced off to the side, clearly giving the matter deep and serious thought. Izzy's eyes watered with the effort not to laugh.
"I'm sure I do not know. Now, are you interested in being vertical again some time this evening?" Amy grinned and slipped a hand into his. She wobbled, so he put his other arm around her waist to steady her.
Suddenly, the lights went from dim to almost nonexistent, and a voice over an intercom announced that it was time for anyone who wasn't a couple to leave the rink. "Aww," Amy sighed. "Looks like they're kicking us out."
Izzy glanced at the queue of people leaving and was struck with inspiration, a perfectly plausible reason for her to stay beside him in the dark. "The rink is going to be less crowded. It's ideal for you to practice."
What are you doing, fool? Somehow, that pessimistic voice in his mind just wasn't as effective as usual.
Amy tilted her head, and for a moment, Izzy identified caution in the way her brow lowered. "That's true…"
As they approached the congested area near the opening in the railing, Amy stiffened. Izzy realized that she wasn't confident enough to skate around the crowd, thus cutting off access to the railing if she fell. Izzy bent his arm at the elbow and held it out to her. "Here. I won't let you fall."
Amy hesitated, but, if Izzy was reading her right, it wasn't out of reluctance. Her lips parted as her eyes widened. Then, she averted her glance and smiled, and Izzy's gaze riveted to the gentle curve of her lips.
Charmed, his mind whispered with shock. Well and truly, he had charmed her. Her fingers fastened around the inside of his elbow, then crawled forward, each one like a shy little creature.
Izzy had no idea what to make of this. Was he flirting? Had he flirted without even knowing it? And it landed?! He didn't know what kind of wonderland he had passed into, but… Somehow, simply by behaving in a way that came naturally to him, he had visibly pleased his date-that-wasn't-a-date. Izzy grinned at Amy, and she responded with gentle pressure on the inside of his arm.
They passed the crowd much too quickly for his liking, and he glanced at Amy, expecting her to release him. He must have moved his arm without really meaning to, because she looked at him, her expression an odd mixture of shy and beseeching. "I feel less afraid this way," she muttered. Then she colored and pulled away, as if realizing the weight of her words too late. "Sorry, you don't want me clinging to you."
"I'm happy to be of service." And he was. The simple act of helping her keep her balance made him feel oddly capable, and, even if it hadn't, her grateful smile would have made it well worth it. His stomach flopped at that thought, and all the danger it suggested for him, but he couldn't seem to move away.
For a while, she was silent, her gaze distant and unseeing. It seemed like she was thinking about something rich and strange, but then she leaned closer to him and muttered, "You smell like a man."
Izzy couldn't suppress a surprised snort of laughter. "Oh, thank heavens. You've no idea how that's been keeping me up at night."
Amy laughed. "Sorry, was that random? I just noticed, and it's a nice scent. I keep trying to convince Tai to ditch Axe, or whatever the heck he douses himself with, but does he listen to me? No, what would I know about what scents girls like?"
The mention of Tai had Izzy's lips pressing into a thin line. "Amy… About Tai. I don't know him well, but… His reaction to your going out with me seemed…" He hesitated, unsure of how to proceed without being insulting. "Extreme."
Amy sighed. "Listen, Tai is… You have to understand, I grew up with him. We think of each other as siblings, and he thinks he has to take care of me. He used to be a lot more reasonable, but it's gotten kind of out of hand ever since-"
Her hand tightened like a vice around his arm. "I… guess you could say that I… I've only had one boyfriend, and it was someone Tai approved of, someone he encouraged me to date. But it turned out that he wasn't the person Tai thought he was, and… It didn't end well."
Amy spoke more or less calmly, but her tone was… for want of a better term, wrong. There was an odd mix of hurt and something he had never heard in her voice by the time she finished. Izzy pulled back when he identified it as fear so potent that it was almost crystallizing into hatred as she spoke.
She swallowed hard and looked away. It was painfully obvious that she hadn't meant to say as much as she had.
There was a strained silence, since Izzy had no clue what to say. People had no reason to bring their problems to him, because he frankly didn't care. To make matters more uncomfortable, the pain in him seemed to rise to hers, to test it, to taste it, and to resonate with it. It seemed that she, too, had somehow been betrayed by the person that was supposed to be closest to her. He patted her hand, not knowing how else to offer comfort.
Finally, Amy sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I'm so sorry. Please, forget I said anything."
Izzy shook his head sharply. "No, if anyone should apologize, it's me. I didn't realize that I was probing into a sensitive issue. I regret causing you distress." This wasn't the first time his curiosity led him to ask an unfortunate question, and his face settled into a grim mask as he considered that it was unlikely to be the last.
"Actually… It's kind of a relief, talking about it a little." Amy managed a brittle smile. "You know, now that I think about it, you're the first person that I've been able to say anything about that to, other than Tai and Matt."
Bless her. She was trying so hard to sound cheerful, but the tension in her body and face indicated that she was still upset, possibly even frightened. "He must have torn you up terribly," Izzy murmured.
Amy grimaced, but offered no comment. An enormous number of questions swirled in Izzy's head, and he plucked the most innocuous of them out. "And you're not seeing anyone now?"
What are you doing, asking more questions?! Are you that much of a glutton for punishment? But Izzy truly couldn't help it. Always asking, always searching, always hunting for truth and understanding… That was how he lived, regardless of the impact it had on his social life.
She gave him a confused look, which was only fair, considering how he had gone straight from touching one sore nerve to potentially touching another. But some of the tension dripped out of the hand clinging to the inside of his elbow, and he realized that he had at least succeeded in shifting the subject to something less dangerous.
"No. The male sex and I, in general, aren't on good terms at the moment. Present company excluded, obviously. But… Getting back to what you said earlier… Tai has his reasons. I know he can be a pain, but I promise you, he's honestly trying to take care of me. I would consider it a favor if you didn't think badly of him over it."
"As you will," he agreed, grateful to have some way of doing something for her. After all, he had just shoved his foot so far down his mouth that it was in danger of coming out of his ass. Any potential method of saving face was welcome.
Amy managed a tired grin. "Have I told you that I love how you talk? If anyone else spoke the way you did, they would sound ridiculous, but somehow it works for you."
"This is my natural mode of speech," Izzy replied. "And you have mentioned that you approve. You were quite intoxicated at the time, if you'll recall." The memory had him smiling, as did her praise.
"Ahhh," Amy breathed. Then her eyes flicked to his face, and something changed in her expression, although Izzy couldn't quite identify what. "And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Are you seeing anyone?"
Izzy almost laughed, but was able to reign it in at the last second, reminding himself that she would have no way of understanding his amusement. He had practically pledged himself to a life of chastity and intellectual detachment after the Shauna debacle. "No," he said, somewhat tightly. "I'm not."
"Really?!" Amy echoed. "A sweet, smart boy like you? I'm surprised!"
Instinctively, Izzy scanned her tone for any signs of sarcasm, but, as far as he could tell, she was being serious. There was a quick squeeze in his chest, followed by a rapid spread of warmth. "You're too kind," he murmured, glancing away, and Amy swatted him playfully in response.
They skated in silence until the lights grew stronger, signaling the end of couple's skate. Amy squeezed his elbow and raised an arched brow inquiringly. He nodded, so she continued to hold onto him. They chatted companionably for the rest of their stay at the rink.
XXX
"You really don't have to walk me to my room," Amy said as she opened the door to the fourth floor of their dorm. "I can manage from here."
"You're determined to make me lose face as a gentleman," Izzy sighed. He offered her his arm once more, and Amy accepted, delighted by the elegance of the gesture. There was something so gentle and considerate about the way Izzy offered himself to her, giving her control. If she wanted to refuse, she could do so without being touched first, and if she changed her mind after accepting, she could release him. That thoughtfulness and yielding behavior made her feel comfortable around him.
"I had a lot of fun, Izzy," she said. "Thank you."
"My pleasure. Truly." Although Izzy's tone was brisk, it seemed less detached than usual, and Amy couldn't help but inch closer in response. Izzy came to a stop, and she accidentally tugged him forward a step or two before she registered that they had arrived at her door. Color rose to her face, especially when she noticed Izzy smiling at her with amusement. Amy hastened to close her hand around the doorknob, then froze.
"Um…" she trailed. "Thanks again. If you want to do something else, let me know?" For some reason, her sentence ended in high pitched shyness. "I mean, I would like that. If it's okay with you." Izzy glanced at her hand, and heat flooded her face when she realized that she was still holding onto him. She released him, trying and failing to act nonchalant about it.
"Absolutely. Something less physical next time, perhaps." Charitably, Izzy chose not to comment on her reluctance to let go of him, and she felt a fresh wave of admiration for him.
"Mass Effect and pizza," Amy agreed, nodding. "Much safer. Sounds like a date."
Then she realized what she had said, saw the widening of Izzy's eyes, and fell into complete panic. She laughed in a nervous manner that he was sure not to buy, squeaked out a final good night, and turned the doorknob, finding it mercifully unlocked. Her foot clanged against the door on her way into her room, causing a shooting pain to shiver up her ankle, and she gasped a surprised obscenity. Classy, so classy, she thought miserably as she shut the door behind her.
She slunk into the room, favoring her stinging foot. She fought down a surprised exclamation when she saw Tai sitting on her bed, playing Halo on her Xbox. Or, at least, he had been playing; the game was paused now. "Tai!" she breathed, pressing a hand to her chest. "What the heck! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"
He rose and took hold of her shoulders. "Are you alright?" he demanded. "I called you like five times!"
"I- what? Why? Has something happened?"
"What?!" Tai echoed. "Amy! You went out with some guy we don't know! I was worried! Did he try to pull anything?" He swept his eyes up and down her body, as if expecting to find visible damage.
"Oh, Tai," Amy sighed. She breathed deeply, trying to conjure patience. She batted his hands off her shoulders and eased onto her bed, lying down. Tai frowned and pushed her over until there was enough room for him to lay next to her, resulting in a quick wrestling match that ended in massive failure for Amy. He crossed his arms behind his head and fixed her with a look, which she ignored.
"Izzy was a perfect gentleman, and I had a great time. And you're the one who told me I should be friends with him in the first place."
"I was drunk," he said bluntly. Amy exhaled so sharply that her bangs went flying.
"Why are you in my room without Sora?" she asked. Half of her intent was to change the subject, and the rest was actual curiosity. "That's kind of weird."
Tai grunted at the ceiling. "I told her I was sick of listening to Matt play the bass, and could I hang out with her?"
"Ahhh," Amy sighed, seeing too clearly where this was going. "And then she went to hear Matt play the bass."
"And then she went to hear Matt play the bass." His repetition was bland and toneless. Amy wanted to point out that this was his punishment for acting so overprotective, but was too struck with his dejection to do it. And, despite being infuriating, his concern over her was sweet.
"Fire up a Legendary campaign," she said, sitting up. "Let's crush some Forerunner scum."
His answering grin lightened her heart. "Hell, yeah! That's what I like to hear!" He tossed a pink Xbox controller at her, picked up the white one he favored, and restarted the game, and they smote aliens together until they were too sleepy to go on.
XXX
Izzy knocked on his door, then let himself in at Joe's muffled acknowledgment. Joe was studying, but he turned away from his books when Izzy entered.
"Well, how did it go?" Joe asked. Izzy sighed and lay down on his bed, then pressed his pillow on top of his face. "Oh… Not so good, huh?"
Although it might have been easier to lie, the concern and disappointment in Joe's voice convinced Izzy to be honest. "It was prodigious," he said, moving the pillow aside so he could be understood. Although the words were positive, he spoke them in a hollow, dirge-like tone.
"Uh… So why the mourning?" Izzy covered his face with his palm and breathed deeply. As before, as soon as he was removed from Amy's immediate vicinity, he realized how foolish he was being, how close he was to putting his heart in someone's hands again. He couldn't believe how rapidly he was cycling through emotions. A few minutes ago, he was cheerful and entertained, and the world was a pleasant place. Now, he felt like an idiot, and frustration wrapped around him like a grisly shawl. Wasn't he stoic just a few days ago? Just this morning?
"I don't want this," he breathed, and admitting it was almost a relief. "It's so much worse this time. Before? With Shauna? I was just going through the motions, because it was expected, because I was curious. I came to care for her, in my way… And I trusted her like a stupid, foolish child. But I never…"
There was a long pause before Izzy heard the clicking of Joe adjusting his glasses. "Well… How do you feel about Amy?"
Pain flashed through his skull, sending faint vibrations over his nervous system. He didn't want to say this, didn't want it to be true, but it was there, staring him in the face, impossible to deny. "She's charming. I'm charmed."
"Charming?!" Joe echoed. He rose from his chair and stood over Izzy's reclining form, and Izzy reluctantly parted his fingers so he could look at him. His friend's expression was tight and distressed. "All this angst over being charmed? I thought I was going to hear something stronger than that."
Izzy shut his eyes and groaned. "When have you ever heard me say something stronger?"
There was another long pause.
"Exactly," Izzy muttered, rolling so he faced the wall.
Joe tried to get more information, but Izzy was unable to talk about it anymore. He deflected the inquiries politely at first, then with growing vitriol, until Joe sighed and left him alone. Then he prepared for bed in a despondent haze.
When he was finally under the covers, he tried to allow himself to feel those foreign emotions that Amy stirred. Although they were pleasant, they were also horrifying, because he had an inkling of what damage they could inflict. He grit his teeth and shut his heart to them, not knowing what else to do.
