Chapter 5

"How've you been, Kate?" Dr. Burke asked at the beginning of their appointment. Kate had resumed seeing her former therapist on the fourth day after her return from Tyson's captivity. Because of what she had been through, an evaluation by a therapist would have been required for her to return to work anyway, but Kate had learned after her shooting that therapy had been extremely helpful, and thus she'd wanted to return in order to appropriately process the trauma she had experienced—and was still experiencing—so that it didn't affect her life in the present or the future.

"Um…okay. The exhaustion seems to be getting a little bit better, but the nausea is getting worse," she added with a mirthless laugh.

Burke gave her a polite nod, then referenced his notes. "Last time we spoke a bit about your options with regards to determining the baby's paternity before the birth, but you said that you weren't quite ready to make a decision yet. Have you thought more about that?"

She pressed her lips tightly together for a moment and then confessed, "I feel like it's all I think about to be honest. Or a lot of what I think about, anyway. I still can't decide though. I know for sure that knowing the baby was Castle's would reduce the burden but knowing its Tyson's would add to it so much I just don't think it's worth it. I…" She sighed and lowered her hands to the space below her belly button. "I still haven't firmly decided one way or another, but I don't think I can find out even if it's going to make the next thirty-two weeks kind of miserable…"

"You're still firmly against termination, correct?"

"Yes. It... It's not this baby's fault. This baby is a victim as much as I am, as much as Castle is. Logically I know that, and I don't blame the baby, but…but sometimes if I think about Tyson's DNA mixing with mine to create…to make this thing inside of me it's hard not to be horrified by that."

"DNA isn't an exact copy of someone. That is: imagining a hybrid of yourself and Jerry Tyson as your child wouldn't be fair," Burke pointed out.

Kate nodded. "I know that. And with regards to Tyson: I know about his upbringing. I know that if it had been different then maybe he wouldn't be the way he is. But…but that's not a guarantee and I just think, if this baby…if something… then it would be my child doing all those terrible things." She felt the tears stinging against her eyes, but she managed to press her tongue firmly against the back of her teeth and keep them at bay. The horrifying through she had just confessed to had crossed her mind several times recently. She'd thought about her job, her work, and everything she'd done to keep killers off the streets of New York and what a sick, twisted irony it would be if her son or daughter became one of them.

"Kate," Dr Burke cautioned, "you're worrying about a future that might not even exist."

"I know," she mumbled. "But since I'm not working, I've had a lot of time to think about a variety of futures."

"Let's talk about your relationship with Castle—how have things been since the last time we spoke?"

This subject succeeded in bringing a soft smile to her face. "Oh, um, pretty good. I mean Castle is being Castle. He's so kind and sweet, and checking on me all the time. I think he'd find a way to fly to the moon and back if I said some moon rocks would make me feel better. It's just…hard, the whole thing is hard."

"In what way?"

"This thing that Tyson did happened to both of us. It… though it wouldn't be what people think of when they heard the term 'sexual assault' it absolutely was and that's… it's particularly hard to face when the memories are non-existent in my case and very limited and blurred in his. Not knowing what happens makes it hard—hard to process and talk about."

"You feel knowing the exact details would make it easier to process?" Burke asked when he looked up from the notes he had written.

Kate shrugged one shoulder. "Possibly. Could make it worse, some might argue. I'd prefer to know, I think." She was quiet for a moment, then added, "I finally got all the results of my STD tests; they were all negative, thankfully. Not that I really thought Tyson…that's not his style. And it wasn't his purpose. The baby was his goal." As terrible and twisted as their situation was, at least she could be thankful that Tyson's nefarious plan had a medical approach. It certainly made more sense from his perspective as well. An assault would have been over and done with too quickly and would not have been nearly as appealing to him as the nine-month drawn-out waiting game.

"Have you and Castle spoken about any of this?"

"Not specifically."

"What about returning to the intimacy of your relationship? I assume you haven't."

"No."

"Do you want that intimacy to resume?"

"Of course," she answered swiftly. "That part of our relationship is very important to me—to both of us—but I…I don't know. Maybe for me the fear with discussing it, with acting on it, is that it might be triggering somehow? That is to say: I don't remember what happened to me now, but what if intimacy with Castle sparked memories some how?"

"You think it could?"

"I'm not sure; I'm probably being unnecessarily worried about it, but regardless I am worried about it. At the same time, there's just a lot of other things going on right now especially since I decided that I'm going to be starting back at work in three days."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I've been back over two weeks; it's time."

"Well, I certainly have no trouble signing off on it. Will your duty be modified because of your pregnancy?"

"Somewhat. I'll still be going to scenes, but I won't serve a warrant or be the first through the door anymore; I'll only enter locations once they've been thoroughly swept."

Burke nodded. "So, then you've had to tell your team members about your maternity status?"

"They already knew; they found out when they picked me up from the police station Tyson dropped me off near."

"And how do you feel about that?"

She gave a little shrug. "I don't think I feel too strongly one way or another, to be honest. I suppose if anything it is a bit of a relief that Ryan and Esposito know so early on, so we don't have to come up with any creative or ridiculous sounding excuses for why I'll be on modified duty. I suppose it is a bit…I guess I'll use the term 'embarrassing' that my pregnancy is documented along with the case and the case is still open and being worked on so there are other officers aware, but speaking as someone who has been on the investigative side of delicate situations more than a few times: I know its best that all the details be out in the open, because you never know what might be relevant to closing the case."

Burke smiled at her. "That's a very healthy attitude to have, Kate, and I definitely look forward to hearing about your first day back during our next session."


Castle stood in front of the open oven checking the internal temperature of his roast chicken when he heard Kate enter the apartment and call out a greeting. He threw a casual, "Hey" over his shoulder, then checked the thermometer and found the chicken needed a few more minutes in the oven. After putting the roasting pan back in and shutting the door, he greeted his girlfriend with a kiss. "How's your day been?"

"Oh, not bad. Yours?"

"Same. I did a little writing then some shopping. It's just us for dinner tonight; mother's out with friends."

"Good. I mean—I'd like for us to talk, if that's okay."

"Always," he replied automatically. "What would you like to talk about?"

She walked into the kitchen and got herself a glass of water. She then stood at the edge of the kitchen island facing him, her hands casually cupped around the glass, which rested on the counter. "This came up in therapy yesterday and I wanted to talk through it. We, um, we don't talk much about the night that Tyson and his partner took us. And I guess…I guess I was wondering if you thought about it still or how much."

"Well, um," he paused to run his fingertips over the stubble that had accumulated on his chin since the last time he shaved. "I told you about the nightmares I had while you were gone. They've definitely been better since you've returned, but I still have them, generally when we're not sleeping beside each other. They're usually about him torturing you or hurting you in some other ways."

"So…" She hesitated, and he felt the hairs at the back of his neck prickle from the pallid appearance of her face. "Is that what you think about when you look at me? Tyson hurting me? That is…is that now what you associate our relationship with?"

"N-no," he stammered, a little caught off guard by the question. "No, not at all. Is that how you associate our relationship now?"

She shook her head. "No…even though I still can't remember anything about that night, I hate it. I hate everything about what happened and I hate that we…that we have to live with everything that comes after without getting a choice, but…but when I was in that bunker Tyson locked me in, I had already decided not to let it poison me. I didn't know you were involved then; I just knew that it was Tyson's intent to torture me, but I decided then that no matter what happened when I got out I'd go through therapy and work through it because I didn't want it to destroy me. To destroy us."

Castle's heart clenched and he felt emotions choking him. Rushing to her, he said, "It won't; it can't. God, Kate—I love you so much. You're so strong and resilient—that's what I think when I look at you. I always have, but now even more so because what you're doing right now is incredible. I don't know if I could be this strong or this brave, but you are and you're incredible. Extraordinary—like I always knew."

She smiled and rose up on her toes to give him a quick kiss. "You're not so bad yourself Castle. I'm serious—you're being really amazing, and I appreciate that more than I could ever say."

"Whatever you need Kate—I'm here. Oh!" he gasped when the oven timer went off. He'd nearly forgotten about their meal!

After pressing a quick kiss to her forehead, he dashed to the oven and pulled the roasting chicken from inside before it overcooked. While it cooled, he pulled the pre-made salad from the refrigerator, and moved those and their remaining side dishes to the table. Then, he returned to the kitchen and as the knife slid through the chicken and he could see it was perfectly cooked, he mentally patted himself on the back.

While he generally considered himself someone with decent cooking skills, he hadn't actually roasted many whole chickens in his life as both he and his mother preferred the white meat to dark, though Alexis would eat either. Since Kate's return, however, he'd roasted several, since it seemed chicken was the only meat she could tolerate at that moment. Whether it would be temporary or end up being for the duration of her pregnancy, beef and the two types of fish they tried had her sprinting to the bathroom, but Castle didn't mind. There were thousands of recipes for chicken available and he planned on trying as many as he needed to in order to keep Kate from suffering.

"Is everything okay?" Castle asked a few minutes into their meal.

She hummed and nodded, still chewing. "Yeah, it's great Castle; thank you."

"Of course. I just want to make sure none of these foods are going to upset your stomach. I'll make you a chicken every day if I have to."

She laughed. "That's a lot of chicken."

"Well, you need to eat. Are you back up to your pre…pre-pregnancy weight?" he asked, not exactly sure of how to refer to the time period in which she was held captive…at least not in a succinct way.

Though she hadn't fully realized it at the time, upon her return Kate discovered that she had lost seven pounds during her time in the bunker. This wasn't exactly surprising due to the limited food she was provided—and the fact that it became progressively less appetizing for her. Insofar as her pregnancy, her doctor wasn't terribly concerned as losing weight in the first few weeks was not terribly uncommon, but she wanted Kate to monitor her weight closely to make sure she gained back what she had lost within a few weeks' time.

"Just about—I think I might be half a pound under still but…" She let her voice trail off with a shrug.

"That's good. And just keep me up to date on your food aversions. I know they can be ever-changing. I'll do my best to adapt."

Kate smiled and reached her hand across the corner of the table to grab onto his forearm. "I know you will. You've been incredible so far. It…honestly, you're what's making all of this bearable."

Her words warmed his heart, so he lifted up her hand, brushed his lips over the knuckle, and then said, "I'll do anything I can for you Kate, anything at all." If it was within his power, he would have even reversed time so that this terrible fate would never have befallen her. With that scenario fully out of the realm of possibility, he was left to simply do what he could for her every single day—and help bring down Jerry Tyson in whatever way he conceivably could, for that was the only true way to end the turmoil clouding over their lives.

They ate in silence for a few minutes before Kate said, "I was thinking…maybe tonight we could try and put all of this aside and get back to us."

"To…oh—oh!" Castle gasped when his eyes met Kate's and he caught her implication. "You're ready for that?"

"It's been two months."

"But you've only been back a little more than two weeks," he pointed out.

She nodded. "I know, but I want to."

His heart fluttered at the gentle smile she gave him, and he gave her hand another squeeze before he turned back to his food—though by that point his mind was certainly focused less and less on the meal. Of course he wanted to make love to Kate; there had hardly been a time in the last year or so when he hadn't wanted that, but he also wanted to make sure she was comfortable and felt safe. Though they had obviously both suffered at the hands of Tyson and his female cohort, it was she who had clearly taken the brunt of the trauma. If she wanted to make love, they would, but if at any point she changed her mind he would stop without any hesitation, and they could try again whenever she felt more comfortable.

After placing the leftovers in the refrigerator, Castle went into his bedroom and began lighting some of the candles he had placed around the room. Then he pulled back the covers and arranged the pillows the way he knew Kate liked them to be. When he turned around, she was hovering in the doorway leading to the office, her hands clasped together against her low belly. He smiled softly as she had been standing that way more and more frequently, but he didn't think she was quite consciously aware of it yet.

"Candles?" she asked, an amused tone evident.

"I just wanted it to be special."

"It's always special."

He smiled at her response, then reached out his hand for hers so he could draw her in the way he always did, but he noticed hesitation flicker through her expression, and he asked what was wrong.

"Oh, um, I guess I feel a little nervous, but I've never felt nervous with you before."

Castle guided her gently to the edge of the mattress and then sat down beside her. He brushed some hair back from her face and then cradled her cheek asking, "Why are you nervous, love?"

She shrugged, but he could see the emotion etched across her face. After a moment she sniffled and confessed, "I'm afraid…I'm afraid that it might trigger a memory of Tyson somehow. I don't know why it would since I've remembered nothing of that night, but I just don't want any part of that to interfere with us."

He shook his head, promising, "We won't let it." He leaned his face towards hers tentatively, waiting for her to be the one to close the distance between them. She tilted her face against his and their lips met in a chaste kiss. Then, he kissed softly again and again until she was the one to part her lips and sweep her tongue against the seam of his mouth, an invitation he had no trouble accepting.

Several minutes later they had fallen back against the mattress, still kissing as their hands roamed across each other's torsos. Castle had just snuck his hand up the back of her shirt when she spoke his name softly. He pulled back, concerned. "Too much? We can stop."

"No, no." Her voice was soft, almost tearful as her hands gripped his biceps. "I just wanted you to know that…I've never had anything like this before—this level of intimacy. From the first night we spent here this was so much different than anything I'd ever experienced because I never trusted or loved anyone this way bef—sorry," she squeaked out when her voice cracked on the word. "Hormones."

"Don't be sorry," he sighed, brushing his thumb against her cheek. "Do you need a tissue?"

She shook her head. "I just wanted you to know how much I'll fight for us because I didn't know anything could be this good."

Castle's heart clenched and, in that moment, he fell in love with her all over again. God, she had been through so much, but their relationship remained forefront in his mind, which meant more than he could ever say. "I'll fight for you too, Kate. Every single day," he promised. Then, with that, he pressed his lips against hers once more and became lost in the moment with her.


A/N: Again thank you all so much for your positive response to this story - I really wasn't sure how it would be received since its pretty different than what I usually do

also thanks to Travis for the cover art - always appreciated :)