Chapter Eight
"So, how have you been feeling, Kate?" Dr. Burke asked pleasantly at the beginning of their session.
Kate tapped her fingers against her fully rounded belly. "Oh, pretty good. I've actually felt pretty energized for the past week or so…which is kind of crazy considering how big I've become. I'm only able to wear maternity clothes now," she added with a slight laugh.
"And how do you feel about that?"
"Fine, I guess. I mean, it's not like I really have a choice. Squeezing into anything else was just becoming too uncomfortable. But I…I suppose that it's good that things are moving along. I'm more than halfway now and…and I guess I hate to say it, but I'm glad it's going to be over in a few months."
"Why do you say that you hate to say that?"
"Well…I definitely look pregnant now and there's no denying it. People offer me seats on the subway or let me go ahead of them in lines or through doors and…and sometimes they make comments—nice ones," she quickly clarified. "Things like how excited I must be or just general congratulations. I don't mind it really; I know they're just being nice and friendly. I just…I guess because of how they act, I feel like I should be more excited or excited at all, but I'm not which makes me feel a little bit guilty about wishing it would be over."
"But Kate, those people don't know about your history or your circumstance. The way that they're acting around you should not invalidate your feelings, which are completely justified."
"I know that…but then I think…well, what if this is Castle's baby? If it is Castle's baby and we keep him or her, will I feel bad about…I don't know, not enjoying being pregnant?"
"As I understand it, there are women who don't enjoy being pregnant even if they planned on conceiving."
Kate nodded. "Yeah, true. I'm lucky that I'm not suffering too much—I've definitely read some blogs with absolute horror stories."
"Well, I'm glad to hear it's going as well as can be expected then. Now, you mentioned keeping the baby…have you officially made that decision or are you still exploring other options? It's been a few weeks since we discussed this."
"I…haven't ruled out anything officially," she said a bit evasively.
Burke raised his eyebrow. "I see. How about unofficially?"
She sighed and rounded out her shoulders, dropping her chin towards her chest. She reminded herself that lying to her therapist was nearly as bad as lying to herself: neither one of those scenarios helped her process and move forward. Still, it was hard.
"I know…I know that if we find out this is Castle's baby we won't give it up and we'll just try to move on and raise him or her the best we can. But…but if it's Tyson's baby, I…I'm worried. If someone had asked me the day before I was kidnapped if I was ready to be a mother yet, I would have unquestionably said no."
"So you feel unprepared for the task of motherhood."
She nodded. "Unquestionably. Castle, he—well, he's already a father and he's just so good at it. He's so kind and nurturing. I have no question that he will be an incredible dad to this baby. And if it is his child, I know that I'll somehow find a way to figure it out—to succeed. But I'm so afraid that if it's Tyson's baby I just won't get there. That I won't be able to love him or her enough and that's…that's so unfair," she added, her voice now quivering with emotion.
"Unfair to whom?"
"The baby. It wouldn't be the baby's fault that Tyson was his father; he certainly wouldn't have asked for this. I know I wouldn't consciously hold it against them, but I'm wondering if I would still think, 'Your father is a serial killer' every time I held him or…or, god, what if he ended up looking like Tyson?" Kate's whole body shivered just before the tears began to fall.
Burke nodded solemnly. "I can certainly see how that would be problematic and it, unfortunately, wouldn't be something you would necessarily know for a little bit of time."
"Right," she rasped out. After taking several moments to mop up her cheeks and nose with tissues, she cleared her throat and continued. "I, um, I found this forum where women were discussing what happened when they fell pregnant as a result of sexual assault. The responses were a real mix from termination to adoption to keeping the children. Most seemed to echo what I'm thinking: that they were afraid that they would see their attacker in their child, despite it being their child as well."
"Did you find any reassuring stories on that site?"
She nodded. "Sure, there were a few women who said they kept their child and it was the best thing that they had ever done…but it felt more like they were the smallest percentage responding. And I…I don't know. I'm afraid that I'll be one of the people that can't love their child and I hate that—I hate even thinking that, but I'm afraid it's true."
She'd been reading a lot of parenting forums in the evenings after her shifts, thinking it would make her feel better to be prepared, but instead she felt worse. Nearly all the women were expressing joy, excitement, and, sure, a healthy level of nerves, but Kate felt outright terrified that she was going to be the mother unable to bond with and love her child. Worse yet, there was no way to know if that would happen until after the birth when it would be far too late to instead give the child up for adoption, which, honestly, with each passing day, as the child grew and moved more inside her, felt less and less like a viable option regardless of his or her paternity.
"Do you have any other fears you'd like to talk about?"
She let out a mirthless laugh. "I mean…it feels like there are so many. I guess…I guess my other top fear would be that no matter whose baby this is, that the baby will never be safe with us, because Tyson will always be coming after him or her. That, um, that's another reason I was considering adoption—I was hoping that if we gave the child away, he or she would be safe."
"Do you really think that after everything Tyson has done to date to intimidate you and Castle that he wouldn't find a way to figure out who the adopters were?"
She hummed as Castle had made the exact same argument. "I suppose not, but I… I just can't help but think that Tyson is absolutely, unquestionably going to kidnap this baby from us after he is born."
Burke let out a heavy breath. "Unfortunately, I have to agree with you. That seems a very serious possibility and certainly not impossible given how Tyson has breached through your security in the past."
"Plus, this time, he'd be motivated. This baby has to be his endgame somehow. Why else would he have done this?" she asked rhetorically.
"You seem to have a lot of negative emotions surrounding your pregnancy and your baby—most of which are completely valid, but I'm wondering how many happy moments you've had."
Kate found it quite a sad sign that she genuinely had to think to come up with happy moments. True, she would have very brief ones, like when she allowed herself to wander through the children's clothing section of a store and see the adorable options there, but then almost immediately she'd think about Tyson and whether or not he was going to take the baby before she could buy it a t-shirt with a cartoon lemon on it that read, "I'm a cutie!"
"Well…two nights ago as we were lying in bed Castle was able to feel the baby move for the first time."
Burke smiled. "I imagine he enjoyed that."
"He teared up a little bit and then…and then he was talking to the baby through my stomach. He said he couldn't wait to meet him or her." She added, her heart twinging at the memory just as it had in that moment.
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Guilty," she confessed after a moment. "He obviously expects me to keep the baby regardless and I…as I said I'm scared. I'm scared I won't love the baby enough, but…but I guess I'm more scared that it will make Castle stop loving me." A tremor of terror shot though her body and her hands began to tremble at the confession; it was truly one of the worst things she could imagine.
"And…on a scale of one to ten, how likely do you think that is?"
She shook her head a little bit, in part genuinely unsure, but mostly afraid to guess. "If it was his baby that I gave away: ten. If Tyson's… I don't know. Maybe a six or a seven."
"So it's still a pretty big concern then."
"Yes."
Burke took in a deep breath and leaned forward in his chair. "Then you know what I'm going to say, don't you Kate?"
She nodded. "That I need to talk things through with Castle, but…I still need a little bit more time to sort out how I'm feeling about everything."
Burke. "That's fair. You know better than to rush yourself, but try to give it some thought and we can talk about it more next week?"
"Yeah," she agreed, "I'll try."
Despite the warm June weather, Richard Castle walked through the parking garage wearing his trench coat with the collar pulled up against his neck. Yes, he certainly was feeling a bit overheated, but one simply could not have clandestine meetings in parking garages without wearing some sort of outerwear and to Castle a trench coat seemed the most appropriate.
Following the directions he was provided, he navigated his way to the secret parking garage spot many layers beneath the New York City streets. There, he found a man in a black van waiting to provide him with the items he'd ordered. The Frenchmen Castle knew only as Pierre was actually one of the contacts he'd procured while doing research into art—more specifically, art theft. Their prior interactions had always been around how one might steal some art—all very theoretical, because of course Pierre had never actually stolen anything. The discussion they'd had a few weeks prior, however, had been of a different nature.
After Tyson left balloons on his doorstep, Castle decided that he needed to dedicate himself to finding a way to have video surveillance in his home without Tyson being aware of it. Since they had to assume Tyson was always or at least regularly watching him, he could not simply go into one of the many stores in Manhattan and procure an at-home video surveillance system; he had to get creative.
Operating under the assumption that Tyson had his computer under surveillance as well, Castle opted to use the computers available at a library so that his searches would remain as anonymous as possible. With each option he uncovered for "secret spy camera" he found himself increasingly disappointed. They all just seemed so obvious! Surely Tyson would not be fooled by anything available for purchase on the open market.
Disillusioned, he went to leave the building, but caught sight of a rather peculiar painting on the wall on his way out. He stopped and stared at it for several moments, taking notice of how the eyes of the painting seemed to move in such a way that it seemed as though they were staring directly at him no matter where he stood. The effect was actually quite creepy, he noted—and that's when the idea hit him. He needed an object that didn't look like it could contain a camera but did!
When he spoke to Pierre about the painting he wanted, he was pretty sure the art expert thought he was insane, which Castle acknowledged to be a fair assessment. In order to keep everything as secretive as possible he didn't tell Pierre exactly why he needed such surreptitious equipment but that was okay. The former thief didn't ask too many questions other than those needed to provide exactly what Castle was asking for. After exchanging a substantial amount of money Pierre promised to deliver the item as soon as possible and that day had finally arrived.
"Here you are, Castle," the tall, slender man with a thin mustache said when he opened up the back of the van. The painting Castle had ordered—a recreation of a semi-famous portrait—looked remarkably like the real thing. Of course, in this particular painting the eyes were actually screens that hid the camera lenses. "As you requested, it is not connected to Wi-Fi. Instead, the video is recorded and stored on an SD card, which you can access from here." Pierre then indicated to a very small slot on the side of the painting hidden in the edge of the frame. It would have been invisible to anyone who didn't specifically know it was there.
"And the batteries?"
"It should have enough to run for up to three months."
Castle nodded. That wasn't the full remaining duration of Kate's pregnancy, but Castle was rolling the dice in thinking that Tyson would once again leave them a "present" and that activity would be caught on camera. "Perfect; thank you so much."
"It is always a pleasure." The art expert said before sliding the painting back into its protective box and passing it over to the writer.
Castle struggled a bit with the painting due to its size and weight, but he managed to carry it back to his car, where it just barely fit inside the trunk. Then, he began the drive back to his place, excited to install what he hoped would be the thing that caught Jerry Tyson red handed.
"Richard? What—what are you doing?"
"Ahh…could you help me with the door Mother?" Castle grunted as he struggled his way into the apartment with his new painting, his arms burning from the exertion of carrying it up the stairs to the fifth floor, because of course the elevator was down for maintenance.
"Yes, yes I got it…what did you buy?"
"Oh, just a painting I admired. I thought it might look nice in the hall here. This one has been here for ages and…" He grunted as he set the painting down against the wall just inside the door. "I was just in the mood for a change."
His mother shrugged with a flourish. "Well, you do you darling. I'm about to head out to an appointment, but I should be back later. Oh—Alexis said that she'll be eating dinner at a friend's tonight."
He nodded. "Thanks; hope you have a good afternoon." He pressed a kiss onto her cheek then removed his trench coat and hung it on the closet. Once she had left, he began to unbox the new painting. He'd just set it along the wall underneath where he intended to hang it when his mother rushed back in to the apartment.
"I forgot my cell phone again! I swear if you didn't have to charge those things so frequently then I would remember to…" Her voice drifted off and he noticed she was staring at the painting. She glanced up at him, her drawn-on eyebrow raised high. "That's the painting you bought, darling?"
"Yeah. I thought it was interesting." His tone was causal, though his heart rate did speed up a bit. Castle was well aware that the painting was not close to his normal style. With the featured person in the portrait having slightly larger than normal eyes, it was mildly creepy as well, but that was okay. The painting was not going to be a permanent fixture in his home; it was simply a means to an end.
"Well…okay, darling." Martha commented, but her tone indicated extreme confusion. She said nothing more, though the look on her face indicated she thought he may have lost his mind. And maybe he had just a little bit. It was possible that due to the fact that the painting didn't exactly fit with his other decor that Tyson might be tipped off by it, but that was a risk he was willing to take in order to keep his family safe.
