It felt wrong.
It was wrong.
Being in the same room of them all, they didn't deserve to be bossed around by him, they didn't deserve to be criticized by him, by a monster.
And they didn't even seem to realize it, that was the worst part of it all. They didn't realize that he was undeserving of his title, of his money, of the respect they give him.
Maybe they did realize it, maybe they were smarter than he gave them credit for. But if they were they would realize that Light was Kira, they would realize that Light was the same as he was. As awful as it felt, to have the same status as Kira, it was also relieving. He wasn't the only monster.
He wasn't the only person that scared him anymore.
The screen burned his eyes, and he had to remind himself to blink. There wasn't any sound of typing in the room, there wasn't any sound, really. Why wasn't there any sound? His gaze swept over the room, over the people who deserved more than to work with him, over Kira.
"Ryuzaki?" Matsuda's voice was timid, and he felt a pang, was Matsuda still scared of him? He didn't want anyone to be scared of him, was he really that bad of a person?
He narrowed his eyes at the ground, of course he was. Even the people he grew up with were scared of him, why would it surprise him that the Task Force was any different? He was a monster, he heard the whispers in the halls of Kira's school, he heard the rumors in Wammy's House, he knew what they thought of him, and they were right.
Footsteps echoed on the floor, coming closer to him, he accidentally tensed when they came to a stop in front of him. There was a pause, he didn't shift his gaze from the floor, he couldn't look at who ever was in front of him. A hand pushed his chin up, forcing him to meet Soichiro's eyes, he heard the man's breath falter. He didn't know why, was he that bad to look at?
"Are you alright, Ryuzaki?" L didn't say anything, he blinked, tilting his head in confusion. His eyes still stung, they couldn't seem to focus on Soichiro's face.
"What do you mean, Yagami-san?" He saw Soichirio's eyebrows furrow, his confusion only growing.
"You're crying, Ryuzaki."
He lifted a hand to his face, his fingers brushing tears that continued to fall down his face. "Oh." His voice sounded small, even to himself, he saw Soichiro's eyes soften as a hand came to rest on his shoulder. He felt like a child in need of comfort, but he didn't deserve that, did he? Not after all the things he's done.
"Let's call it a day," the softness of the man's voice startled L "I think we could all use a break." Out of the corner of his eye he saw Quillish nod, he didn't say anything, focusing on making his breaths seem less erratic.
Whywas he crying? That wasn't like him in the slightest, it just confused him. He knew the Task Force was confused as well, they had every right to be, watching the person that was supposed to be unaffected by everything begin to cry? It must have looked pathetic, he knew it was pathetic. He knew it was weak, he knew he was weak.
He blinked, and he was curled up on the couch, a pillow clutched to his chest. How did he get there? He felt his body tremble, the tears that he failed to notice became obvious to him. He felt eyes on him, glancing to his right he saw Soichiro, leaning against the couch. He flinched, letting his gaze drop.
"How old are you?" The question startled him, was that important? It must have been, Soichiro was asking it, and Soichiro was someone he respected.
"I'm 24." He cursed himself, his voice was small and squeaky and not L-like because of tears he didn't know the cause of. Not that having a cause would help, he wasn't supposed to cry. He wasn't supposed to be weak.
"Oh." There was a hand on his shoulder "You're very young." He didn't say anything else, clutching the pillow tighter.
"Yagami-San?" He looked over to the man, seeing that he had the others' attention. "Do you ever hear them?"
He saw the confusion lacing the man's face, not elaborating on what he wanted to say. "Hear what, Ryuzaki?"
"The, the voices. They're loud, and I don't like them. I don't like them, they're mean, they're mean and only tell the truth and I don't think I like the truth very much."
He heard Soichiro suck in a breath, he let his eyes drop back down to the pillow clutched in his hands. "What do they say?"
He furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Soichiro. "They tell me the truth." The man ran a hand down his face, an exasperated (or what seemed like exasperated, he had never been good with social cues) sigh escaping him.
"And what would the truth be, Ryuzaki?"
Soichiro had leaned forward, elbows and forearms resting on his knees. His expression pinched into one of worry, and L couldn't take it. He wanted the voices to stop the voices telling him those things but he knew that what they were saying was true, because he knew he was a monster, even when compared to Kira. He looked like a monster, he acted like one, he was one. But he didn't want to be one. He wanted the voices to stop yelling about how bad of a person he was, about how he was undeserving of everything he had, undeserving of his life.
He swallowed, keeping eye contact with Soichiro. "I'm a monster." It came out as nothing more than a whisper, fingers clenching and unclenching around the pillow as he tensed up. The tears tracks that had dried were used once again.
"What else do they say?"
He shouldn't tell Soichiro, "I," He took in a shaky breath "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve my life. They're loud, always telling me that I don't deserve anything, that I should have overdosed when I had the chance, and I don't like it. It hurts to think about it because i know they're right."
His voice was shaking now, his composure completely slipping, but he couldn't stop. "I- I just want it to stop. Oh gods, Watari must be so ashamed of me." He attempted to muffle the sob with his hand, but it didn't help. He clutched his eyes tight, arms shaking as he moved his hand away the slightest bit.
"I'm weak, I know I'm weak but I don't want to be weak. I want it to stop." His eyes opened the slightest bit. "I- I wanna go home. I wanna see my sister again, I wanna see my mother again but I can't-" Hands grabbed his arms, making him drop the pillow as he was pulled towards Soichiro. Arms surrounded him, but he couldn't accept them, he didn't deserve them. He was weak, though. He couldn't bring himself to push the man away, his hands coming up to clutch at fabric as he cried into Soichiro's shoulder.
"I can't because they're gone, and I just wish they took me with them."
