After what happened on that day, I mostly locked myself up in my room. I only go out when I need to eat, shower, go to classes, and doing other necessary needs. Even when the exam has started, I go home right away after it's done. All of it is to avoid from having to meet Lucifer. Solomon took notice of how gloomy my mood these days that he even asked about it. I told him briefly on what happened, he seems sympathetic about it and tried to cheer me up by trying to cook something for me, but of course I refuse knowing his true cooking nature.
"I really appreciate your thoughts, but I think I still need an alone time."
The same goes for Eli, I notified her about what happened and told her that if she needs something from me, she can visit me here. And so she did. Since she is the only friend I can convey about what really happened, I told her in details.
"Really? So that means Lucifer knew for quite a long time then?" I nodded in response to her question.
"Hmm I know that the reason you don't want to show your face is because you don't want unnecessary attention that was supposed to happen like me, but how about try to think it like this. Up to this point, does it ever lead to what you concerns of?"
If I think of it that way, my life here is quite peaceful to be honest. Thanks to Eli, almost none of the brothers and side characters seem to take much interest in me. Even Asmo and Solomon only do it moderately when they interact with me. So why is it, when it's Lucifer the one who shows an interest in me, I suddenly feel afraid?
"You might have point, it didn't lead anywhere on the level that i consider bothersome. But I don't understand, didn't Lucifer supposed to be busy looking after you more than to take an interest in me?"
Eli went quiet for a moment, it seems she knows the cause of it.
"To tell you the truth… I don't really interact much with him unless it's necessary. I did say I want a harem, but I have types too you know?"
I see, so you are to say that Lucifer isn't really your type, huh?
"Just hearing that from you kind of makes me sad, despite how I'm in this mess right now." I spoke nonchalantly. Eli got intrigued with my words.
"Why is that?"
"In my previous life, I was actually a Lucifer stan. I really love him as a fan and would always be happy whenever any content that contains him appeared." I told her about another old story, something that I haven't had the chance to tell her.
"Like you have heard, I'm somewhat afraid of facing my current reality. And after hearing that Lucifer got interest in me, for some reason I feel anxious and overthink things. A lot of what ifs scenarios went through my head."
Eli patted my head and let me lean on her while doing so. I got overwhelmed with my emotion and started crying silently. We stayed like that for a while before I get to calm down.
"It's okay, Avi, just let it all out." Eli soothed me with her words, I guess I'm unconsciously lonely too, but the fear of abandonment that I experienced in my past started to gets the best of me.
During my sob time, I gradually realized that some of my past memories came flooding in to my head. I think this is the reason why I become the way I am now.
"Sorry for being useless most of the time, you seem to be able to handle your things without me. And here I am crying over something trivial." I vented out my guilt, but that somewhat ticks Eli.
"Don't say that! It's nothing trivial, who am I to say since I only know you these past 10 months! And you're not useless at all, just you being there whenever I need you is enough to calm myself. I may look reckless all the time, but that doesn't mean I'm never scared of anything."
Eli furiously patted my head that it starts to get a little annoying, but that lets out a giggle of relief from me. Even though we're not often spending our time together, but she really is amazing to be able to care about me to this extent. It's no wonder why she is capable to become the MC of this realm.
"Feeling better?" I nodded slowly, still leaning on her shoulder.
"I think I really need to think things over and sort out my thoughts. Thank you for looking after me, Eli."
After Eli goes back to her dorm, I brood over the start of this all and try sorting out the mess that I created.
Why was I so adamant about covering my face? Was it really because it's bothersome to get attention from the characters? Why do I need to disguise myself when I hang out with my other friends, or when I'm making a content for my hobby? Why do I seem so afraid of Lucifer having an interest in me? What am I afraid of exactly?
Sure, I have some abandonment issues back in my past. One came from my family, and even the game that I loved feels like it started to abandon me since I can't keep up with their level, and lastly… my sudden death. I felt like I abandoned a lot of things and at the same time feeling abandoned by the progressive timeline on that life. When I arrived here alone, I actually feels lonely but I tried brushing it off by saying I have to deal with my current reality. The time I got chosen to be Devildom's exchange student, deep down it actually makes me happy. But remembering my past traumas about being abandoned, I was afraid the same thing could happen in this life.
What if I fail their expectations? What if I'm not as fun as they thought I was supposed to be? What if their attention is just an illusion created for my sake?
Because of that I occupied myself, thinking that it was bothersome to receive excessive attention. So rather than having to feel another abandonment, I chose to distance myself from people and would end up thinking 'See? Just as I expected' over and over to convince myself. When I saw Eli for the first time, my feeling of relief is true, but there is another feeling arise momentarily. It was jealousy and defeat, knowing that she is the definite MC of Obey Me's realm made my secret expectation about getting an attention vanished out of thin air that day. But I can't hate Eli after knowing how she really is, how can I when she is really nice, supportive and have a good personality. Meanwhie on the other side, I'm not that attractive at all.
My physical looks may be attractive, but out of all people, I should have understood the most that this isn't everything for people to get attracted to. Eli is the best example on that matter, it frustrates me but at the same time I hate myself for thinking like that. Perhaps the reason why I use a disguise whenever I hang out and doing a content for my hobby is because I'm not as confident as I thought. I secretly have some insecurities about my looks.
I cried out my eyes that night to get over my anguish and self-agony, if it wasn't for Eli, then I might never try to think things over like this. After bawling enough that sucked out my energy, I grow tired and started to fall asleep just like that.
Exam season is finally over, yesterday was the last day of the test. But I kind of regret crying all out like that and fell asleep without properly washing my face. Now my eyes are swollen and it's hard for me to see, yet I have to wear my spiral glasses to cover it up. The problem is, it makes it harder for me to see because it's supposed to hide how my eyes look to prevent from revealing my face. It was somewhat a disaster when I try to walk over to RAD, I stumbled more than once, sometimes I hit a wall or bump into people, then I have to apologize whenever I did that. I didn't even realize I got scrapped on my knee.
"Hey, are you okay?" I heard a familiar voice, it was Solomon who was standing behind me.
"Ah… hmm… it's a bit difficult to say, would you mind to lend me a hand?" Solomon agreed to my request and guide me to walk into class. Eli who noticed my wound went over to me, she cleans my wound however she could and gave her spare band aid for temporary measure.
"When class is over, clean your wound properly, okay?" I just nodded and sheepishly laugh in a nonchalant manner.
It really is embarrassing to see myself in a sorry state like this. I better get a grip after these eyes heal. The day seem to be longer for me, maybe it's because I'm not feeling well, but I'm glad class is finally over. Eli helps me walk to the front of RAD, but it seems she forgot something in class and ran over quickly to grab it. After a while, I heard foot steps after waiting quite some time, I offered my hand, thinking it was Eli.
"Shall we go now?" I asked her and without uttering a single word, she leads me out.
But hmm? This hand is too big to be Eli's, was it Solomon? He did help me this morning
I shrug off my hesitation and follow the person that guides me. My view is almost like that of a blind person, with my puffy eyes and covering glasses, the result of me walking alone was like before. Either falling over something or hitting something or someone at worst. Through out the walk, I have no idea where we are going. When we stopped in front of what it seems like a door, I thought it was my room. I thanked whoever guided me there and just went in, but that person seems to follow from behind.
Well this is awkward, why are they following me in?
"Uhm… why do you follow me in?" I asked nervously.
"Because this is my room." Hearing him answered me, I already know whose voice it belongs to.
"Lucifer?"
"Yes. I saw you had trouble walking on your own so I took the initiative to guide you." He said. Strange enough, instead of walking me home to my room he brought me to his.
I heard some rustling sounds not too far, maybe he is looking for something. Although now I'm confused, why his room though?
"Sit over here, I'll take these off." He led me to sit somewhere and took off my glasses and the band aid that Eli plastered on me.
He took care of my wound neatly, and when he saw my puffy eyes he lifted my face, trying to observe how bad it looks.
"You cried out your heart, I see. I guess I'm part of the blame for that, as an apology let me take care of it." Lucifer compressed my eyes with cold water and let me lie on his bed. I was a little embarrassed to allow him taking care of me and hear him said something gentle. Regardless, I don't seem to hate it at all.
"So, when will I be able to get up?"
"You can sleep on it, I will let you know when it's time to wake up."
After stating that, Lucifer sits next to where I lie and it startled me a bit. Noticing that, he made some distance between us so I won't be uncomfortable about it. It actually warms me up knowing his little gesture like this.
"Sleep well, Avi. And I'm sorry about what I did before." Lucifer's gentle voice soothe my heart and the cold compress reliefs my eyes. It really does make me want to just sleep and forget the bad day.
A few hours have passed since I was deep asleep, it's been a while I have such a pleasant rest. I woke up to a light tap on my hand, I removed the towel that is now half dried. It feels much better now that I can see most of the part, although the swollen part of my skin is still there.
"You look like you have got beaten by someone with those eyes." It's the first time I heard Lucifer trying to crack a joke to me, even though it can sound sarcastic if you take it out of context.
"Well, whose part to blame for it?" my words reminding him of his fault and I can see a change of expression. Now I feel a little guilty.
"I was kidding, there is nothing left for me to resent about what happened. It's also thanks to Eli for that."
"It's nice to know that you are feeling better, let me know if you need anything from me from now on." Lucifer then lend me a hand to stood up and escort me back to Purgatory Hall. Somehow the air around him changes after not seeing him for some time.
