Chapter 1: The Letter

We spent the night on the wall after only just barely reaching Shiganshina. We were so tired, we didn't mind the fact that we were out in the cold with no blankets, the top of the wall acting like a cruel stone mattress for us to sleep on.

Sleep came pretty easily. It was dull, black, and dreamless. It's been a while since I last had a pleasant dream or since I last dreamt at all, for that matter. It feels appropriate. I don't think I deserve to have good dreams anymore. The world doesn't inspire as much joy or happiness like it used to when we were kids and even then, those things were at a premium for our cursed race.

When I did dream, it was always one of two kinds. After we breached the walls and joined the cadet corps, my dreams were of the guy who hanged himself out in the fields. After we joined the scouts, my dreams shifted from the hanged man to Marco. It's always the same sequence of events. Reiner lunging at Marco and holding him down. Marco pleading with us to stop, to talk this out with him. All of the colors have been sapped from the world. Marco is screaming but there's no sound at all. I'm standing off to the side, watching the whole thing happen without lifting a finger in protest. Reiner is making Annie remove Marco's ODM gear but Reiner never thinks to make me do it. I'm so quiet he just assumes I'm loyal to the very end. The last images of the dream are always of me looking back at Marco who is calling out to the three of us, perhaps hoping that we'll turn around and save him, that we'll mouth the words "gotcha", revealing that yes, it was all a joke, and the other recruits appear out of nowhere and we all eat cake and celebrate. But that doesn't happen. I wish it did. The dream always ends right before the first bite because that's when I looked away.
I already told Reiner and Annie about the hanged man dreams. But I never told them about the dreams with Marco.

Zeke meets us early the next morning. When he sees that it's only Reiner and Me, plus Ymir; this strange woman whom he's never met before, I can see the disappointment in his eyes. There's no Annie, no Marcel, but most importantly to him, no Coordinate. How had we allowed things to turn out this way?
Zeke addresses Ymir personally. Who is she really? She reveals her origins, that she's the one who ate Marcel and who bears his titan. She says this so matter-of-factly—without a single shred of shame—that it almost feels like she's proud of the deed. But we know the truth and I think Zeke does too. She goes on to tell him how she's the only reason the two of us are still alive. Zeke stares at Reiner and me, in a way that read like this, too—our almost dying—was somehow our fault. Ymir isn't wrong, neither of us try and offer a different version of things, but we didn't want her saying it out loud like that in front of the War Chief. It feels stupid to get worked up over our pride at a time like this, and it's painful to acknowledge it when the truth stands directly opposed. But I'll always be grateful that she came back for us. I'd rather be alive and humbled than dead and proud.

There is some private debate amongst the three of us over whether we can trust Ymir. Though he seems to like her attitude, Zeke is of the impression that Ymir will l turn on us or bolt the first chance she gets. Reiner vouches for her, insisting up and down that she doesn't have any dastardly tricks up her sleeve. If she wanted, she could have escaped while we slept on the wall. Reiner and I were in no shape to stop her but she was still here and still willing to return to Marley. She's bringing back what she borrowed. That's the word she used. Borrowed. This seems to be enough to convince Zeke. He's going to chew us out regardless so he doesn't press the matter further.
"We'll talk about this later when we're back at the ship," is all he says.

Reiner's barely had any time to recover from yesterday and I can see how sluggish he is, trying to cut his hand, not pressing hard enough with the blade to draw blood. His eyes are blank and lusterless. But he gets it eventually and transforms a final time so that we can make a final push for the seawall.

We don't see any titans on our way out. It seems like all or most of them have already gotten inside of Wall Maria. If there are any out here, they're few and far in between. No one speaks the entire way there. Ymir sits with me on Reiner's left shoulder while Zeke sits on the other.

I can't help but notice how peaceful it is outside of the walls. The day is clear. There are hardly any clouds in the sky. The sun is shining. The open plain turns to desert as we near the sea. The oppressive towering seawall looms into view as we crest the last sand dune.

In addition to Zeke, Marley sent a small platoon on a single cruiser with enough supplies to last us several months, along with plenty of that special spinal gas that they used on Connie's village. We're told that Pieck is here, too. She and Zeke weren't chosen to come here all those years ago but it seems as though the Cart Titan's impressive endurance is needed after all. Pieck isn't there to greet us when we arrive but I'm not scouring the docks looking for her. We were never that close growing up. She seemed closer to Marcel and Pock.

Reiner is all but spent by the time we reach the sea. I have to cut him out of his titan and drag him from the nape. Ymir is escorted onto the ship by two soldiers. I watch her until she disappears down below. It takes another four soldiers to carry Reiner onboard. Zeke and I are left alone. He pulls a cigarette from his jacket pocket. I don't remember him being a smoker before we left. He must have picked up the habit at some point between then and now.

"We'll be going back to Shiganshina in a few days so rest up. I want to discuss our plan of attack before then so meet me in my quarters in the morning," Zeke says.

He holds the cigarette in his mouth and tries to light it but the wind sweeping off the sea makes it difficult, even when he cups his hands around his lighter to protect the weak flame, turning so that his back is to the wind. But it's no good. He gives up after a while and walks onto the ship to smoke alone.

Reiner will probably sleep the entire time we're here, getting up only to talk to Zeke before going right back to bed. He's a quiet sleeper for such a big guy. He doesn't snore and he remains remarkably still, never jostling around in bed trying to find a comfortable position, never performing the same contortions that I do when I sleep. I lie awake in my bed adjacent to his, staring up at the ceiling, trying to push intrusive thoughts out of my head, hoping to quiet my mind enough so that I can fall asleep. But I have too many things churning around up there to find any peace of mind. Anytime I shoo a thought out the door like a fly, another one inevitably finds its way in. I know that I can't ever be completely thoughtless and it's foolish to try. There's also a part of me that doesn't want to sleep for fear that I'll have that dream about Marco again. I get up and go for a walk.

There aren't many places for me to go out here. The ship has limited space and people are doing their own things, performing their own tasks and I'm afraid of getting in the way. I leave the ship and stand on the edge of one of the docks for a little bit, looking out at the sea.

Is this what you hope to see someday, Armin? I ask myself. Well, you aren't missing out on much.

I guess on a good day when the sun hits the water just right, it might look beautiful. But the sea is now an ugly greenish-brown and it's dotted with debris. Sticks and seaweed. I follow a crop of seagulls flying overhead. I watch as one of them drops an ivory turd into the water. It hits the surface with a delicate little plop. Surely this isn't the sea of Armin's dreams. It's all about perspective, I guess. He's never seen it so of course, it would be this magical thing to him. I picture someone over on the other side of the sea, all the way back in Marley, doing the same thing as me. They're looking out at the same body of water, wondering the same things I'm wondering. In my head, they look like Annie. She never came to this backward land. She stayed home and was waiting for me to come back home. I feel connected to her and I'm hopeful that I will return soon before remembering that it's just my imagination. She's back that way. I go atop the seawall, looking down from the heights, trying to estimate how far the drop is before looking up and staring off as far as my vision allows, back across the field of sand. I pretend like I'm flying low across the ground, across the sand, the plains, through the forests, back to the walls where our enemies reside, where Annie really is. Where we had left her behind.

We'll come back for you, Annie, I say, That's a promise.

As I walk back to ship, I feel a sudden urge to be around someone, maybe even to talk but I don't want to wake Reiner. I certainly don't want to talk to Zeke.
I spot the two soldiers who had taken Ymir aboard earlier and I ask them where she is. She's being held down below in the brig. Zeke doesn't want to risk her escaping, I guess. I go down to see her. A single soldier sits by the doorway that leads into the hall of holding cells. He doesn't say anything as I walk past, seemingly engrossed in a good book. Ymir is in the furthest cell on the left. She's sitting up in her bed, legs crossed. Her eyes are closed. It looks like she's meditating. She doesn't notice me standing there.

"Ymir?" I say, lightly knocking on the bars to get her attention. She opens her eyes slowly and turns herself so that she's facing me.

"Bertolt? To what do I owe the pleasure of this surprise visit?"

That's a good question. Why am I down here? What am I hoping to accomplish? People might get the wrong idea. I don't know. I'm already here.

"I guess I just want to talk to someone," I reply.

"I see. You never struck me as the conversational type. Always letting others do the talking for you."

"Yeah."

"I'm honored that you would choose me as an associate. Finally fed up with Reiner? Is he not providing enough stimulating conversation for quiet, ol' Bertolt?"

"Reiner's sleeping."

"Aww. The big guy is tuckered out. Makes sense. Well, pull up a chair," she says sarcastically.

There's no chair for me to pull up. Ymir has a chair in her cell as well as a desk but it isn't like she can slip it through the bars for me. I don't mind standing
"Are they treating you well down here?" I ask.

"Well enough, as can be expected," she replies, "Can't afford to treat your prisoners too much like human beings, I suppose."

"Yeah," I say.

"So, what happens now? I've offered myself up as a consolation prize so what have I signed myself up for?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"I do."

They're going to take you back to Marley."

"And what happens when I get there?"

"They'll feed you to the next warrior."

"I see. I had a feeling. They can't trust me to serve Marley's interests?" She's being sarcastic again. I don't see how she can sound this carefree when talking about being eaten alive.

"Probably not," I say.

"I don't blame them. A titan leaves with one person and comes back with another. I'd be suspicious of them, too. Do you know who will be doing the deed?"

"My best guess would be Porco. Marcel's younger brother. He trained to become a warrior just like us. He missed out on being picked, though. He was really devastated."

"Aww. That's sad. Poor thing didn't get to go off and kill people in foreign countries. Well, it looks like he'll finally get to after all. And on top of that, he'll have a chance to avenge his brother. How very poetic."

"I wouldn't say that. You don't even remember how it happened."

Ymir doesn't say anything in response. She nods like she's agreeing with my last statement before she leans back into a stretch before resting up against the wall. She presses her hands to her forehead and tilts her head over so that she's looking down at her feet. She lets out a quivering sigh.

"What will it be like?" she asks.

"What will what be like?" I reply.

"Getting devoured. You probably wouldn't know though, right? You were only ever the one who did the devouring."

"Yeah."

"But how will it happen? Is it like a ceremony or something?"

"It's definitely a big deal. I barely remember the day I inherited my titan, honestly. They had the old shifter chained up. He was dressed in white. I don't know if that was supposed to mean something but I was wearing white, too. Everything, after I was injected, is a blur. When it all became clear again, I remember people were clapping. Reiner was there and so were the others."

"Was the guy scared? The one you were going to devour?"

"I don't think so. If they were, they didn't show it. It's supposed to be an honor and we must pass on that power when our term comes to an end. Most go willingly, though I can't speak for what they're feeling inside, watching and waiting for a child to consume them."

I still can't see Ymir's face.
"Why are you asking me these questions? Are you scared?" I ask.

She starts sobbing.

"I'm not scared of dying. All I have to do is let go and that'll be the end of it. Dying is the easy part. I've tried not being afraid. Tried not to think about it. But there's no getting around it. I'm just scared of leaving this world behind when I still have unfinished business. When I still have things I wanted to say."

"Are you talking about Krista or, wait, it's Historia. That's her name, right?"

"Yeah."

"Historia. I knew her as Krista for so long. I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Also, you don't have to keep apologizing."

"I know. It's a habit of mine."

"I can see that."

"Go on. You said there were things you wanted to say to her?"

"Yeah, I'll never get to tell her how much she really meant to me. Never get to spend time with her ever again. Still can't believe I chose you idiots over her. Makes me wonder who the real idiot is." She lets out a long sigh, "But, yeah. That's the part that terrifies me."

I don't say anything immediately and I don't think Ymir necessarily wants me to. She might just want to say what she's kept pent up inside for so long. Her words make me think of Annie.

"I'm sorry," I say, finally.

"There you go apologizing again. If you keep doing that, I'm going to get mad."
"I'm sor...Yeah. Ok."

"It's funny. If it wasn't for your goddamned mission to destroy everyone in the walls, I never would have met Historia. I should be thanking you."

"No, you shouldn't thank me. It was just a wild coincidence. If it wasn't you, it might have been another titan somewhere down the line. I am glad, though. Glad that some good came out of it, at least."

"What'll you and Reiner and the bearded asshole do after I'm gone? Are you going back?"

"You mean Zeke? Yeah. We still have to see through our goddamned mission."

"Do you think you'll succeed?"

"I don't know what'll happen. Ideally, I want us to succeed. But I can't say how it's all going to end."

"Do you think you'll see Historia?"

"If we get far enough, we just might."

"Well, if it isn't too much to ask if you somehow manage to find your way back to her, would you be able to pass on some words from me?"

"You mean in a letter?"

"Yeah."

"Ymir, I don't think I can do that. I don't know if I'd be allowed."

"Why wouldn't you be allowed?"

"I don't know. They might think I'm conspiring with you or something."

"Who is they? Are you talking about Zeke, the bearded asshole?"

"Reiner and I are already in hot water with Zeke. I don't want to make it worse."

"It's a fucking love letter, Bertolt. You think I'm going to leak important information? I'm not that conniving. I'll probably be dead by the time Historia gets to read it, anyway. If at all. Please. I'm begging you. It's the least you can do for the woman who saved your life."

"I don't know, Ymir."

"Is that all you can say? I dOn'T kNoW?"

"I don't know. What do you want me to say?"

"God, you're becoming infuriating to talk to. Always apologizing and making excuses asking for someone else to make decisions for you. Grow a fucking spine and make a decision on your own for once."

"Please, Ymir, try and understand—"

"I understand perfectly. I'm a pretty good reader of people but you're an open book, buddy. I had you pegged as a lackey from the get-go. You were always going along with whatever Reiner told you to do. And now you're taking orders from a guy who can transform into a giant monkey. I bet you've never done a single thing for yourself. Not once in your pathetic little life. You've always just followed the crowd because you're terrified of stepping outside of the lines."

"You don't have the right to say these things to me!"

"Oh, I don't? And what are you going to do about it? Ask for permission to punish me? Go on. Ask Zeke if you can kick my ass. You won't do it yourself. You won't do shit. Get out of here. I don't want to talk to you anymore."

"Ymir, please—"

"I said, LEAVE!"

I don't protest, which only makes Ymir's case stronger. I turn and leave, passing the guard who looks up from his book.

"I heard some yelling down there. Is everything alright?" He asks.

"Yeah. No problems here," I reply.

I can't argue with her. Ymir is right. I feel so stupid. I of all people should know how it feels to leave things unsaid. I never got to tell Annie how I felt before she joined the MPs and I was too chickenshit to do anything about it before then. And even if we did manage to push forward and find her, after all of that, after all we've been through, I don't think I can tell her how I really feel. I can't admit it to Reiner or to anybody, even when it's so painfully obvious. Even Armin used it against me. I'm such a fucking coward. That's why they all say that I lack any initiative. That I'm unreliable. I know it. I've always known. But I've never done anything about it. I have the most destructive titan power on the planet and it's only a paper cut away. And yet, despite it all, I can't even tell a girl that I like her.

I don't even know if Annie feels the same way. If I did tell her my feelings, she would probably just reject me. But then again, I don't know what she would say. I won't know unless I try. It seems like the only thing that I do know, that I am wholly certain of, is that when I look at Annie, look into her cold and focused eyes, instead of wanting to run away or keep my distance, I want to get closer to her, to bridge the gap between us and stay by her side. We wouldn't need to say anything, forcing any kind of conversation that didn't come naturally. Our relationship could be a silent one. We could just quietly exist together, becoming like the air around one another. That would have been enough to make me the happiest man alive. If I was in Ymir's position, and if I was more like her, I would want the chance to say everything I wanted to say before it was too late.

Reiner and I meet with Zeke the next morning. We have another day here before the ship goes back to Marley. There's coffee and Zeke has brought some chairs into his quarters. He sits on the edge of his bed and beckons for us to sit with him. Zeke is respectful and listens quietly as we tell him everything. As usual, Reiner does most of the talking. I sit next to him and stare down at my coffee. There's no cream or sugar. Zeke expects us to take it black, I guess. We talk for a while, the two of us trying to cover nearly five years wherein a lot of things happened. Reiner looks to me for corroboration on a few occasions and I always back him up. We do our best to paraphrase and skip over the dull parts but it's hard to decide what's dull and what's important. I can tell Zeke is growing fairly disinterested, periodically scratching behind his ear and even yawning at several points when our story lacked excitement but he perks up at the first mention of Eren.

"What was his name? Eren Yaeger?"

"Yeah. Eren Yaeger is the one who possesses the Founding Titan. I still can't believe it, myself. Of all the people who could have been given the Coordinate. Why did it have to be to him?"

"And not only that," I say, "There seems to be vital information hidden away in his basement back in Shiganshina District. Information from his father."

"Did you, by any chance, hear anything from Eren about who his father was or what happened to him?" Zeke asks.

"If I remember," I say, "Eren mentioned that his father used to be a doctor. But he went missing in the days following the fall of Wall Maria."

Zeke stares ahead, looking through us rather than at us. He seems stunned, his eyes glazing over. He takes a sip of his coffee.

"Thank you for telling me all of this," he says, excusing us shortly after. We have more to tell but there's still time.

Reiner goes back to bed and I walk around the ship, trying to find the communications room. It's a cramped little alcove on the top deck of the ship, more of a closet than an actual room and it's manned at any time by a single person who works the radios and relays messages back and forth to the captain. It's the only place I know that has paper and pens. I wait outside around a corner as the radio operator gets up and leaves, going to get the person who's supposed to relieve him. He doesn't see me as I catch the door before it closes and makes a sound and I slip. inside. I don't know why I'm being so sneaky. I could just ask for a pen and paper and the operator would give it to me without batting an eye. It could be for my own personal use as far as he knows. If someone caught me acting all sneaky, they'll think something is up. But I have no intentions of being caught. I know I have a good five minutes before the next operator arrives and in the grand scheme of things, stealing stationery in the name of love wasn't that rebellious or groundbreaking. Even if I'm caught, they probably won't suspect anything. Despite the extremely low stakes, I feel an unmistakable rush I've never felt before, like I was a criminal on the run, or a master thief, tearing a few pages from a logbook and taking a pen from the small side desk before slinking out of the communications room and going below deck.

Ymir is lying down on her bed now but she doesn't appear to be sleeping. I can imagine it would be hard to sleep knowing what was waiting for her across the sea.

"Hello, Ymir," I say, tapping the bars with the pen. It's a cheap ballpoint. Nothing fancy but fancy isn't the name of the game.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, "What's that?" she asked, gesturing towards the pen.

"You want to tell Historia how you feel, right? Here's your chance," I reply, pulling the pieces of notebook paper from my back pocket.

"Where did you find the paper, if I might ask?"

"That's classified information. Don't ask where I stole the pen from, either. Reiner doesn't know. Neither does Zeke."

"Bertolt? Stealing things that don't belong to you? Going behind your superior's back? For shame! Didn't think you had it in you."

"It's like you said. It's the least I can do for saving our lives."

Ymir gets up and takes the pen and paper from me.

"Do you mind if I have some privacy?" she asks.

"Of course."

She sits at the desk in her cell and starts writing immediately. She must have known what she wanted to say this whole time, the words like a powder keg, desperate for a match, ready to surge out of her in a fiery explosion. I side-step out of view of the cell and lean against the wall, listening to the sound of Ymir's writing. She has a heavy hand. I'm a little worried she'll run out of ink or break the pen before she's done. Should have thought to steal a backup.

When Ymir is done, she holds her hand out through the bars and whistles for me. She's used every sheet I stole, filling up both sides in a neat scrawl. I take it from her and put it in my chest pocket.

"Get it all out?" I ask.

"Yes. I did. Thank you, Bertolt."

"No worries," I reply.

We stand there in awkward silence for a while. I feel like something needs to be said, something important or meaningful. But I think the silence speaks volumes. I can imagine the conversation that our mutual silence might create and I think that's enough.

I guess this will be the last time we see each other, Ymir might say.

Yeah. I guess, I probably would say back.

I hold my hand out to Ymir's and she meets mine. It isn't so much a handshake as it is a bit of human contact. It isn't a romantic gesture, either. I do it out of love but more like a friendly love. The only other kind of contact she'll receive from here will be firm hands pushing and shoving her around, locking her into place, before finally, she's chewed up until she's nothing but bloody bits and disembodied memories for the next Jaw to decipher. In this moment, I hope that my silence says, I see you. I care about you and I swear to you that I will make sure Historia gets to read this. We let go of each other's hands but not before she tightens her grip for another half-second before finally letting go. She looks at me in a way that makes me think she understands what I'm trying to say, perfectly.

The next morning, the ship sets off for Marley. Reiner is awake finally and is busy helping Zeke. I slow to help them. I'm fixated on watching the ship until it's a faint dot on the horizon. Zeke shouts for me to get a move on. I press a hand to my chest. The letter crinkles and I feel secure having it there. I take one last look at the sea before going to join the others.

We're going to put an end to this.

One way or another.