Metallover's Self Insert Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a-
"Fuck this snow bullshit! Argh! Do you know where I lived before Ylisse? The tropics. Do you know why!? Because it doesn't fucking snow! Why do people even live in a place like this!? Do you know the last time I even saw my testicles!? Do you!?"
I shivered, pulling my coat tighter around my shoulders. Unbeknownst to most people that were acquainted with me I had a pretty high tolerance for the cold up to a certain point. Once that point was reached, however…
"Fuck snow, fuck ice, and fuck the holiday season!" I growled, rubbing my arms for good measure.
From my side Robin gave a little laugh, shaking her head. "I think the last time I heard you complain like this was in Valm when we couldn't get the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies."
"Raisins are not a valid substitute for chocolate, Robin!" I snapped.
The beautiful young white-haired woman just laughed, brushing one white pigtail over her coat's shoulder. We were walking through the snowy streets of Ylisstol towards the Palace, where all the Shepherds would be spending the holidays together as part of Nagamas.
Yes, fucking Nagamas.
It was a thing. A carbon-copy of Christmas except it celebrated the birth of Naga. Unlike the birth of the messiah (depending on who you ask, anyway), however, Tiki was here to verify that yes, December 25th was actually her mother's birthday. And, being the reigning monarch, Chrom had decided to throw a Christmas - Nagamas, fuck! – party just for the Shepherds. There would be a big fancy-ass ball on the 24th for the visiting nobility and blah blah blah, but all I really cared about was getting fucked up on egg nog and eating my weight in turkey.
The snow rose almost to my knees it had been falling so heavily, an anomaly for this time of year according to Miriel, and Robin's coat actually left a little trail in the snow where it was dragging. Most of the shops in the capital weren't open due to the crappy weather, but we'd still had to go and find someone to sell us booze. I wasn't spending a holiday season under any name sober. Fortunately the best distillery wasn't far from the Royal Ward, so we'd only had to trudge through knee-deep snow in what was fast becoming a blizzard for about an hour and a half to find them mercifully open. Well, okay, not open-open, but it was nothing a few extra shiny coins couldn't fix. I did feel kind of bad for breaking down that door, though. Meh, never come between me and booze. Now, burdened with bags containing a good thirty liters of spirits in various glass bottles, we were returning victorious. Chrom had heaps of ale and wine stored away, but both I and the visiting Feroxi liked the harder stuff.
"Oh bitch, bitch, bitch," Robin said, rolling her eyes. "Look, you wanted the booze."
"Yeah, only because Flavia's paying."
"Regardless, this was your idea."
"So why are you here?"
"I like to watch you suffer."
"Why are we not married?"
"Because I don't like bearded men," Robin laughed, giving me a playful shove.
However, unfortunately due to the fact that the ground beneath my feet was covered in a good foot of ice and snow, I slipped and fell flat on my back. I twisted so that the precious booze would land on the soft snow beside me. Blinking and waiting for my senses to return to me I decided 'fuck it' and lay there, my back slowly freezing and my cheeks starting to tingle, watching the snow fall lazily down on my face as Robin laughed. After a few moments she finally calmed, and something fell down into the snow beside me. I glanced over, Robin grinning at me as she lay back in the snow at my side.
"The hell are you doing?" I asked.
"You looked comfortable," Robin laughed.
"I'm just frozen."
"I can fix that," Robin said, a devilish grin on her face.
Before I could even make a witty remark she leaned over me, boobs pressing right into my chest as she rummaged around in the bag at my side and pulled out the first bottle she could find that looked like scotch.
"Warmer yet?" she asked, knowing exactly what she'd done.
"Give me the scotch, then we'll talk."
Robin laughed again as she cracked the wax seal on the bottle, taking a long swig before passing it to me. I sat up just enough to take a long drink of my own, the harsh liquor burning its way to my stomach and sending some warmth back to my limbs. Finally, reluctantly, I sat back up, brushing the snowflakes out of my beard as I did.
"Never thought I'd get away with sitting in the middle of the street drinking," Robin laughed.
I glanced around, realizing we were, indeed, sitting in the middle of what would usually be a busy upper-class Ylisstol street. High class boutiques and cafes lined the road, gardens buried beneath the snow spread out at regular intervals along the sides of the paved street. However it was deserted, all the sane people hiding from the weather in their nice warm houses. I sneezed, shaking my head and climbing carefully back to my feet.
"Alright, I want to be drunk and I don't want to freeze to death as I do it," I said, reaching down to help Robin up. "Let's go make a mess out of that fancy apartment that Chrom set us all up in."
Robin allowed me to pull her up, giving me another devilish smile.
Before pushing me back over in the snow and trying to dance away.
However, Robin and I had been partners in crime for years now, and I knew this was coming. As I went down I shouted a muffled curse, scissoring my legs and tripping the tactician. She gave a small shriek of surprise before face-planting in the snow herself, and then I was on her.
"Oh yeah, real smart! You asked for this!" I shouted, shoveling handfuls of snow into her loose collar and down her back.
"Eek! Ben you bastard, stop that's really cold!" Robin laughed, bucking me off and tossing a handful of snow in my face for good measure.
"You started this!" I repeated, flinging snow back at her.
After only a few moments we were already breathing hard, totally covered in the white powder. As a side note, my shirt was now full of snow, too; she'd gotten in close there for a few moments, just long enough to exact her revenge. I was kneeling as Robin stood, her hands on her knees, both of us struggling to catch our breath as we exchanged a glance.
"Truce?" Robin asked, brushing some of the powder out of her hair.
"Truce," I gasped, nodding.
Robin stepped forward, offering me her hand this time. I waited for her to get close, then as soon as she dropped her guard my hands snapped out, pulling the waistband of her pants out enough for me to dump a handful of snow down the front of her pants while screaming "No prisoners!" at the top of my lungs. She yelped, hitting me with a blast of subconscious wind magic that lifted me up and threw me onto my back. Then she was there, straddling my chest, hands both full of clumped snow as she smiled down at me with just a hint of that old Grimleal madness in her eyes.
"No prisoners," she repeated, her voice low and dangerous.
"I regret nothing!" I shouted, flinging another handful of snow in her face.
Thus our outing devolved into a snow-flinging free-for-all, both of us utterly frozen by the time we managed to drag our sorry carcasses back to the palace.
I still won, though.
"I cannot believe you had a snowball fight without me," Morgan sulked a few hours later.
"I totally won," I said, my teeth still chattering.
"Y-y-you… wish," Robin stammered, sniffling miserably. "That was m-my… over… overwhelming victory!"
We were seated on Chrom's ridiculously over-sized chairs in front of the fireplace in the apartment that a good ten of us were sharing for the duration, bundled up under blankets as we desperately tried to raise our core temperatures above 'cadaver'. Morgan huffed, the hem of her inherited blue coat, the same one I'd worn during the campaign in Valm and was currently hanging drying in my room, flashing in my peripheral vision next to a familiar black coat that I knew for a fact was hanging up drying in Robin's room.
"Yes, yes, you're both great heroes of the Snowball War. Here, drink these."
I glanced up, a white-haired young man passing us both steaming mugs. Robin's was tea, mine was coffee. Sweet, blessed coffee. Morgan appeared next to him, holding a mug of her own. Daraen, Robin's time-travelling son, crossed his arms and glared down at us.
"Really, how old are the two of you?" he asked, mimicking almost perfectly the tone his mother used when she was chewing me out.
I shrugged as Robin let out another sniffle, the two of us sipping our drinks in tandem. Usually the boy was mellower than this, but I guess, like everyone else, being around me had ruined him. Morgan rolled her eyes, moving to perch on the arm of my chair and leaning back against my shoulder. The girl was a mere wisp of a thing, looking even smaller in her ridiculously oversized coat, half my size and looking almost exactly like her mother. Her shoulder length brown hair was pulled away from her face in a messy ponytail, strands of hair protruding every-which-where, grinning at her male counterpart.
"Oh, leave them alone, Daraen," she chuckled. "Even old people gotta have some fun."
"Hey, fuck you I'm only ten years older than you in this timeline," I huffed, jabbing my fingers in my daughter's ribs.
Morgan let out a squeak, giggling a little as she re-settled herself against me. Robin gave another sniffle.
"I think I caught a cold," she groaned.
"You started it," I shrugged.
"And I finished it, too," she grinned.
"Well just for that I'ma be a sore loser and not share this with you," I said, slowly pulling a smaller bottle of random brown liquor I'd pulled out of my bag when I'd been changing out from beneath my blanket. I then proceeded to pour a generous helping into my mug, then Morgan's for good measure (which she seemed to be very happy about), all as Robin watched with undisguised longing in her eyes. She relented, gave a sigh and rolled her eyes.
"Fine, you won, happy?" she grumbled, holding her own mug out.
"Yes," I said, topping her off. "Undefeatable, baby. Good for morale."
"Hail to the undefeatable Lord of Tactics!" Morgan declared.
"Kiss ass all you want, I'm not giving you any more booze," I chuckled.
"Aw, you suck," Morgan pouted.
"When you turn eighteen and your liver is no longer my problem, then you can drink as much as you want," I said, taking another sip of my boozy coffee. "Until then, moderation. Because I love you."
"Aw, love you too, dad- stop trying to distract me!"
We all laughed, before settling in before the fire to warm up in silence for a little while. Morgan eventually forced me to scoot over and was now bundled under the blanket with me, while Daraen was still perching on the arm of his mother's chair. Robin cast us a few little glares, clearly still jealous I had such a close relationship with my spawn and she didn't. And why wouldn't she? Morgan was the cutest thing in this world. Hell, in any world. In existence. And she was mine. How I, a self-professed 'ugly fucking chode' had created such a masterpiece I would never know. That's not to say I didn't think Noire was adorable, too, but Morgan was small and adorable. I couldn't help it. With a sigh Morgan, the most adorable thing in existence, reached forward, placing her empty mug on the floor and snuggling back against my shoulder.
"I hope the others all make it here okay," she said, pointedly looking out the window.
Snow was still falling outside, the sky having becoming an ominous dark grey since we had gotten back. One of Chrom's servants would probably be along soon to light lanterns and lamps in every room it was starting to get so dark outside.
"Why, worried you won't be able to torture Yarne?" Daraen asked.
"Well, yeah," Morgan shrugged. "But it just wouldn't be the same without the whole set, would it?"
"I heard Yarne and Panne were arriving this afternoon," Robin supplied. "Out of everyone I think the snow would affect them the least."
"Or the most, considering how much clothing they usually wear," I added.
"Meh, I'm sure it'll be fine," Daraen said flippantly. "There's an open bar, right? I'd say that would be enough to bring just about everyone back, even Gerome."
"Ooh! Ooh! Think I'll finally see him without his mask?" Morgan asked excitedly.
"Doubt it," Daraen shrugged.
"I feel like I could make a Batman joke here, but I'm still too cold," I sighed.
"So add some more whiskey to your drink?" Morgan suggested. "I like Batman jokes…"
"Even if I did I wouldn't share," I said, pointedly quirking a brow.
"Argh! You suck!" she wailed. "Batman would have shared!"
"Morgan?" I said.
"Yes, dad?"
"I'm Batman," I said, my voice low and gravelly.
Of course, the snow didn't stop for the next few days as the Shepherds trickled in, culminating with a nearly frozen Say'ri and Tiki, the swordmaster having ridden the ancient manakete to Ylisstol when it became apparent that their caravan wouldn't be able to pass through the snow. She had then spent the entire evening trying to apologize to Tiki for riding her 'like a common wyvern'. Which had been hilarious. It had only gotten funnier when Cherche had overheard the Princess refer to the noble wyvern as a 'common flying skink'. Libra had been a busy priest that evening.
I was now sitting with Say'ri and Tiki in Chrom's study, the Exalt himself stoking the fire as an attentive Frederick watched with a very put-out expression on his face.
"Fie, but it is cold here," Say'ri complained, wrapping a delicate cream shawl tighter around her shoulders.
"If you were wearing adequate clothing instead of a freaking yukata maybe you wouldn't be so cold," I grinned.
Chrom and I were both rugged up, and even Frederick looked bulkier than usual in his suit. Clearly the knight/butler had donned a thermal onesie underneath. Chrom was wearing a dignified jacket over his thickest tunic, and I was lounging in my duty uniform with my old coat thrown over top, both of which were surprisingly warm. However, unlike us Tiki was wearing her usual miniskirt, and Say'ri had opted for a lovely kimono that would no doubt have been more than adequate for a Chon'sinian winter.
"It is unseasonably cold this year," Chrom pointed out as he sank into his own chair.
Tiki let out a mighty yawn, her eyelids clearly growing heavy. I gave a laugh as Say'ri sighed, shaking her head a little. Grinning I shrugged off my coat and handed it to a startled Tiki.
"Here, you look like you're about to hibernate," I chuckled.
"Hey, I'm not actually cold blooded you know," she huffed, taking the coat and slipping it around her shoulders. "And I'll have you know that… uh… ah, so warm… now I'm even sleepier…"
"My lady Voice, please," Say'ri groaned.
"None of that!" Tiki declared, suddenly awake again. "We are all friends here. I keep telling you, no formalities. Speak to me the way Ben does."
"Indeed," Chrom agreed, grinning. "Although, perhaps show a little bit more respect than Ben does. In any case, how was the voyage over here?"
"Hey, fuck you, I'm respectful," I muttered.
"Long," Tiki huffed. "Boring. Say'ri wouldn't come out of her cabin."
"You know I am afraid of water," Say'ri muttered, looking away as she blushed.
"But you can only play shogi so many times!" Tiki moaned.
"I had go as well," Say'ri mumbled, blushing redder.
"What, did you forget all my remedies?" I asked mockingly.
"I ate so many crackers my mouth was a desert and I tied that little cord around my wrist so tight I feared I would lose my hand," Say'ri ground out. "Tis not only the seasickness. Tis the… the water. It is so deep and… open and… fie, I feel queasy merely thinking about it."
"And the crew were no fun," Tiki pouted. "They were all so fixated on me being the Voice none of them would even hold a conversation with me! Even the Captain!"
"Then I suppose your only option is to stay here with us, huh?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows. "Either that or get a chessboard for the trip back. They're great, you can play checkers on them, too."
"I still find it strange how you can do that," Tiki said, watching my eyebrows flutter.
"We will be staying until Spring, at the least," Say'ri said, ignoring my show of eyebrow dexterity. "With your blessing, of course, Exalt Chrom."
"No. Formalities," Tiki repeated, a wide, childlike grin spreading on her face as I did my rendition of the Rock's 'people's eyebrow'.
"Yes, of course, Say'ri," Chrom smiled. "I'd be happy to play host to the both of you. I doubt I'll be able to get rid of anyone before spring anyway, if I'm honest."
"Hell, you keep feeding me and I'll never leave," I said, finally looking away from Tiki. "Remember how long it took for me to get my own place last time? Sumia had to practically chase me out. Speaking of, where is Sumia, anyway?"
"She's with Cordelia and the girls, checking on the pegasai," Chrom said. "Cynthia was worried they would be cold in the roost."
"I've been in the damn roost," I grumbled. "It's warmer than my room. Hell, it's warmer than this room."
"We're sitting a foot away from the fireplace," Tiki laughed.
"You'll excuse me if I'm still not used to drafty old castles," I deadpanned.
"My palace is not 'drafty'!" Chrom said defensively.
"Your palace is drafty and so is the damn fort you gave me," I snapped. "Send some more damn blankets up to my room!"
"How many more blankets do you need!?" Chrom asked, exasperation radiating off of him.
"Morgan keeps stealing them all!"
"Well steal them back!"
"You look at that adorable face and then tell me if you could take blankets from her! Could you steal blankets from Lucina!? Well, okay maybe not future-Lucina, because she's been grouchy lately, but from baby-Lucina!? Could you!?"
Chrom let out an exasperated sigh as Tiki and Say'ri burst into laughter. Frederick just shook his head, standing by silently waiting for the kill order I had no doubt Chrom would be giving any day now.
That'd be a hell of a fight. Me vs Frederick. I'd probably go down, but I wouldn't make it easy for him…
"I do not approve of the way you instantly react to Lucina but not to my darling Morgan," I said, my eyes narrowing.
Chrom froze for a moment before leaning forward in his chair, his face stony. "She's my adorable little girl."
"Morgan's adorable."
"Lucina is adorable."
"Morgan's cuter."
"Beware, Ben, those are fighting words," Chrom said, his voice low. "You come dangerously close to speaking treason before your ruler."
"I speak truth!" I declared. "Morgan is the pinnacle of cuteness! My daughter is supreme!"
"Lucina is a Princess! She's the cutest! Ever! Princesses are cute!"
"You're royalty, that's an unfair bias!"
"Yes, I am royalty! And as your liege I order you to admit Lucina is cuter!"
"Fuck no! Make me!"
"Fie, but you two dote on those girls," Say'ri laughed, cutting us off before we could kill each other.
Chrom and I traded glares before looking away from each other. To my great shame this was not an argument we hadn't had before. It usually ended with us in the training ground. Or, more specifically, me lying on the training ground concussed as Chrom stood over me. Just because I'd gotten stronger lately didn't quite mean I could go toe-to-toe with the big guy, but I like to think I gave a decent accounting of myself. Especially when I was defending my baby's honor.
"I'm almost jealous," Tiki said, fake-pouting. The effect of which damn near killed me from cuteness.
"Ladies, I would be more than happy to facilitate the creation of two more Morgans if you would like me to-"
"Frederick," Chrom called, finally snapping.
I was cut off, managing a strangled croak before my windpipe was restricted, as two meaty hands wrapped around my throat from behind, bodily lifting me out of the chair and dragging me from the room.
"Very good, milord," Frederick said, not even struggling as he simultaneously strangled me and dragged me from the room.
Tiki and Say'ri exploded into laughter again as I was ejected from the room, and all I could think as stars danced around my vision was 'okay, maybe a fight between us would still be a little one-sided'.
"Tiki! Tiki I need my coat back! Ti- Frederick, fuck you, let me go, I'm going! Tiki! It's fuckin' cold in this hallway! Coat! Coooooooooooat!"
It was the day before Nagamas now, and the snow still hadn't let up. On the plus side it meant that none of the local nobility had been able to come for the big fancy ball that Chrom and Sumia were supposed to throw, so I didn't have to deal with that particular brand of bullshit. The downside was that Chrom's palace, while pretty fucking huge, still wasn't big enough to hold all of the Shepherds without copious amounts of collateral damage. And after a week of constant snow everyone was starting to go more than a little stir crazy. The weather got so bad that no one could go outside to find gifts, so at least I didn't have to deal with that bullshit, either! All my Christmas wishes were coming true! But the constant snowfall was starting to get a little worrying for the others. Every morning now the mages went up to the palace's roof and battlements to blast the accumulated snow off so that the roof didn't cave in. The temperature, too, kept dropping, and to conserve fuel and heat whole wings of the palace were being closed off, adding to the general feeling of cabin-fever-pandemonium.
Basilio and Flavia had been drunk for days. Straight. I had tried to keep up with them, but I just… I couldn't do it. They were on a whole different level, a whole different plane of existence, to me. Vaike had valiantly tried, too, but I think he was still in an alcohol induced coma somewhere…
Yarne and Panne were both dangerously close to hibernating, something I wasn't sure that Taguel even did. I think they had turned the basement into a warren of some kind. Last I heard Panne had actually shifted forms and chased the help out of the room.
Both Minervas were actually hibernating, to Cherche and Gerome's great distress. I hadn't seen Cherche out of the Pegasus roost in nearly two days, and Gerome was surlier than usual. Although if he snapped at Morgan again I was going to shove that mask up his ass…
Frederick was leading his usual 'Hell Hour' fitness sessions, ensnaring just about anyone and everyone who walked by. Including the skeleton staff of maids and butlers that hadn't gone home for the holiday. Amazingly enough it appeared that Tharja had been so bored she'd joined in willingly. And instantly regretted her decision as she realized that sports-bras hadn't been invented in Ylisse yet, much to my and many of the other Shepherds' great amusement.
Olivia, Inigo, Stahl, Cordelia, Brady and Severa had been practicing non-stop for the upcoming Nagamas party's entertainment, and I'd heard Inigo complaining more than once about blisters on his feet from the constant dancing. Which was weird, because I'd seen Olivia's feet. Now, I'm not into feet, but hers were so perfect they gave me second thoughts.
But Lissa was still insistent that we hold the Shepherds' Christmas party, even without the gifts, and was insisting on decorating every room in the palace we were still using. Which was why she, Owain, Sumia, Cynthia and Lucina were all in my shared room hanging up tinsel and other ornaments. Sumia had just left to get more paper snowflakes, though.
"Honestly I'm surprised Morgan's not helping you," I said, watching from the opposite side of the room.
"We asked, but she's arguing tactics with Daraen again," Cynthia said, giving me a devilish grin. "When do you think they'll get married?"
"It'll have to be right after the funeral, because if he puts the moves on my baby girl I'm gonna kill him," I ground out through clenched teeth.
"You didn't kill Inigo," Owain pointed out, distractedly holding up a line of tinsel while Lissa affixed it to the wall above the fireplace. "Or Virion."
"He almost killed Inigo," Lissa laughed. "It was before you arrived. He gave the poor boy such a beating. Olivia didn't talk to him for a week."
"He did?" Owain asked, aghast.
"As for Virion, I know his training routine," I shrugged. "I couldn't beat him in a stand up fight."
"It takes a great hero to admit when they are outclassed!" Cynthia practically cheered.
"Which is why he spiked Virion's wine with laxatives," Lucina deadpanned, glaring at me.
"It was funny," I shrugged defensively.
"He was ill for days!" Lucina snapped. "You almost killed him with dehydration!"
"It. Was. Funny," I insisted.
"It was kinda funny," Lissa chuckled, agreeing with me.
Lucina sighed, and Robin gave a weak groan from where she was bedridden in the adjoining room. She had actually caught a cold, but Lissa and Tharja were both caring for her, so she'd apparently be back on her feet in time for the party.
"They're not wrong! It was pretty funny," she called out, her voice sounding oddly nasal from the cold.
"You're supposed to be resting!" Lissa called back.
"I was until Owain's first 'sword hand'," Robin groaned.
All the women present turned glares on the blonde boy, who wilted under the combined scrutiny. He actually went pale. It brought a smile to my face and warmed my cold, holiday-hating heart.
"Okay, we're getting distracted here," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Why. My. Room."
"Oh, I'm decorating everywhere. Besides, I have to keep this bunch busy!" Lissa said, hopping down from the stool she had been on and grabbing the three younger Shepherds in a tight mom-hug, despite diminutive her size.
Owain smiled like he'd been looking forward to this, which given circumstances he probably had been, while Cynthia laughed awkwardly. Lucina made direct eye-contact with me and mouthed the words 'help me' as obviously as she could. I rolled my eyes, just as Sumia came back into the room carrying a large box of paper snowflakes that would, in a manner of hours, no doubt be hanging from the ceiling.
I was already debating how best to light them on fire without burning us all alive.
"I'm back! What did I miss?" she announced cheerily, setting the box down on the coffee table. Without tripping. Which was personal growth for her.
"Not much, just Ben being a grouch and Robin being sick," Lissa pouted.
"Okay, well Sumia's back so I'm tapping Lucina out. C'mon, Princess, we got work to do," I said, standing. "And Lissa, it's been years. You'd think you'd be used to me being a grouchy douche by now."
Lissa stuck her tongue out at me as Sumia rounded on me, her brow furrowing in a glare. "No working during the holidays!"
"I have a lot of people that depend on my work to live," I said, rolling out my neck. "And Luce's been my assistant for years. I need her help on this."
"Do not call me that," Lucina said weakly, already crossing to my side.
"If you're going to go get high without me I'm gonna kick your ass!" Robin shouted woozily from her room.
Sumia's expression turned crestfallen as she pointed her big, watery puppy-dog eyes at Lucina, her lower lip quivering. "B-but… this is our first Nagamas as… a family… you don't want to spend it a-as a family?"
Before Lucina could cave I stepped forward, sighing out my nose and placing my hands on her shoulders.
"Okay, one, Chrom's not here either, and two, I'm not stealing her forever, just a few hours. I've got some paperwork in the study and I'm not doing it all alone. Robin would usually do it, but since she lost so spectacularly at the snowball fight I'm stuck doing it myself."
"Have fun, ya bastard!" came Robin's cackle. "To the victor go the spoils! Ugh… Lissa! The room's spinning again!"
"So lie down and rest!" the Princess called back.
"But I don't wanna!" Robin whined.
Sumia seemed to deflate, looking down, and even I felt a small twinge of guilt.
"Alright," the Queen said with a nod. "As long as it's only for a few hours."
"I'll have her back before you know it," I promised. "C'mon, assistant. Assist me."
"You're never going to let that go, are you?" Lucina sighed as we stepped out into the hallway.
I just grinned, and we proceeded to the study in amicable silence. It wasn't far, just around the corner, and as soon as I closed the door to the cluttered room Lucina let out a sigh and sunk to one of the comfortable chairs that were placed almost randomly around the piles of books and papers as an afterthought.
"Ben, thank you so much for saving me," she groaned, leaning forward and resting her head in her hands. "I love my family dearly, but they can be so… so…"
"Psychotic?" I offered.
"No, you ass, overbearing," Lucina snapped.
"Well, don't get too giddy," I shrugged. "Because I wasn't kidding about that paperwork. I was just gonna leave it for Robin, but since we're here and we're both bored…"
Lucina sat there, watching me with an unreadable expression on her face as I crossed to the small stack of forms on the mostly-clear desk. It was nothing special, some requisition stuff I'd wanted to pass off to Anna, preferably while she was drunk and couldn't rip me off as bad as she usually did. But like I'd said, I was bored and we were here, so…
"I have a better idea," Lucina said, rising slowly to her feet.
"Oh? This ought to be good…" I said, leaning back against the desk with a grin. "What, pray tell, does our paragon of virtue and goodness think more important than paperwork?"
"I've been somewhat… stressed out lately," Lucina said, removing the tiara from her hair and shaking it loose, smiling as her silken blue tresses fell free. "Perhaps you could help… relieve some of my stress?"
Pretty sure my jaw hit the floor. Lucina!? Of all people… the Princess, the one who made my life a literal hell every time I did anything even remotely stupid, one of my best friends since coming here to Ylisse, one of the top-tier most attractive waifus in this fucking world, was… down to bang?
Well then.
Fuck reason, fuck morality, and most importantly fuck conscience.
"Hell, it's about damn time," I grinned, crossing my arms.
Fuck. The hell. Yes.
"So you will do as I ask?" Lucina asked, taking a few seductive steps towards me, grinning with half-lidded eyes.
"Sure, why not? Might be nice to take the passive role for a change."
"Do you promise? I want to hear you say it."
"Yes, I promise to do as you ask. Princess…"
Lucina finally reached me, giving a small chuckle as she crossed her own arms.
"Good," she said. "Then… on your knees."
A few minutes later Lucina leaned back in her chair, her back arching a little as she let out a euphoric moan.
"Ahh, that feels good…" she mumbled, brushing the loose hair back from her face.
I sighed, kneeling at the base of the chair with her foot in my hand, kneading it with a sour look on my face. The simple fact that both of us were still wearing pants was enough to ruin my entire day…
"You misled me," I muttered darkly. "You used my libido against me. Fuck you. Fuck you and everyone that looks like you."
"Ahn, you, mmm, promised," Lucina panted. "And I was not… ah! Was not lying when I said… I had been under… uhn… stress lately… how did you get so good at this?"
"Practice," I grumbled. "I don't just stick it in, wiggle it around a little and then go home. I'm a conscientious lover, thank you. Do you even know what that word means? It means-"
"I know what it means… ahhhhh… and add that to the list of things I didn't care to hear," Lucina said, grinning down at me. "Although I must say I do like the look of you on your knees before me."
"Don't get used to it," I warned. "I'm not into playing the sub. You need to get better boots. I can practically feel the knots in your feet, and I didn't know you could even get knots in your feet."
Lucina laughed, placing one foot gently on the side of my face and prompting a vein to twitch in my forehead.
"Oh don't ruin this for me," she laughed. "You so often give me grief it is nice to- eeeek! Did you just bite me!?"
"Don't put your stanky-ass feet on my face, woman!" I shouted.
Lucina grunted, kicking me in the shoulder and forcing me onto my back. Then she got that manic grin again, the kind she only got when I was about to get my ass beat, as she stood over top of me. It had been a while since I'd seen Lucina's sadistic side, and quite honestly I could have gone longer without.
"You really are a dom, aren't you?" I asked.
Lucina responded by planting one foot squarely in the middle of my chest and squatting down on top of me, chuckling darkly as she smiled only inches above me, her hair falling and creating a small shadowy world around our faces that seemed to shut out everything else.
"I am not," she said, running the tip of her index finger along my jaw. "But for you I might make an exception…"
And then, before I could come up with a witty retort or punch her in the nerve cluster on the inside of the thigh so I could roll away like I'd been planning to, the door burst open and Sumia came rushing in. And Lissa followed her. And Owain, and Cynthia. God bless anime tropes, this was even better than I'd been planning. Deciding to take advantage of this moment I unclenched my fist, which had been primed to strike, and relaxed into the floor.
"Lucina are you okay!? We heard you scream and-"
"Dammit, Sumia, you cock-blocking bitch, get out!" I shouted before Lucina could say anything.
Sumia's jaw dropped and she froze, her eyes wide as dinner plates.
"No!" Lucina shrieked, jumping off me and blushing to her roots. "It… it's not what it looks like!"
"Oh, come on, you two haven't been fooling anyone," Lissa scoffed.
"Sis… just… ew…" Cynthia recoiled. "At least use a bed."
Owain just stared, transfixed, for a moment before spinning on his heel and marching woodenly out of the room, blushing to his ears.
"Come on, Sumia, let's leave these two be," Lissa laughed, grabbing her catatonic sister-in-law by the elbow and leading her and Cynthia out.
"You've got it all wrong!" Lucina wailed, following them out without even putting her boots back on.
I just lay there on the floor for a moment before I sat up with a huff.
"Guess I gotta do the paperwork on my own now," I mumbled, climbing to my feet. "Meh. Worth it. Don't fuck with the master, Princess. Merry fucking Christmas. Nagamas. Whatever."
Turns out it hadn't been worth it, because what would have taken Robin maybe twenty minutes ended up taking me three hours and a bottle of scotch. It had been one of the smaller bottles, but our booze supplies were beginning to run dangerously low. I had also missed dinner, and being that Basilio and Flavia were still shit-faced they had opted to carefully split my dinner between themselves. I mean that literally. Morgan told me later about how they both got down to the table's level and began to measure their portions exactly off my plate.
Not only had I missed dinner, I'd missed watching Basilio and Flavia make fools of themselves while fucking cooperating for once.
"This goddamn holiday is ruining my life," I muttered, staggering through the halls that evening, looking for either someone to beat up or something to eat.
"Oh gawds, are you drunk again!?"
And finding neither, apparently.
"Severa. Go away," I grunted, doing my best to ignore her.
"Well excuse me for living!" the volatile redhead snapped. "I bet you'd be happy to see my mother, wouldn't you!?"
"No, because she berates me for drinking too much, too!" I defended. "Only she does it quietly. It actually makes me feel guilty. Not the point. I'm tired, drunk, and hungry. Either feed me or go away."
"Well I was going to offer you these cookies, but now I don't know if I want to," Severa huffed. "Not because I was worried you didn't have dinner, though! I'm just not that hungry!"
"Severa you beautiful, angelic, amazing woman you," I said, finally looking up. "Marry… me?"
I blinked. Something was off. Something was different…
"You let your hair down?" I asked, quirking my head.
Severa clicked her tongue in annoyance, shoving a small, cute bag of cookies into my chest and blushing. For a moment I thought Cordelia had been doing an impression of her daughter again or something, but the Wing Commander didn't have the frown lines on her face. She looked good, though. The long hair framed her face in a way her mother's didn't, and it was actually far longer than Cordelia's, too, reaching almost down to her knees.
"Yeah, so what?" Severa snapped. "Shut up and take the damn cookies!"
"You sure you want me to shut up and not tell you how good you look with your hair down?" I asked, grinning.
Severa froze for a moment before blushing and doing the patented tsundere move of huffing, crossing her arms and looking away before she spoke. "I… I guess you could, if you wanted. No, I'm allowing you to compliment me, so you better be grateful! And do it right!"
"You look good, Sev," I said, stepping closer and popping a cookie into my mouth. "You make almost all other women look like crap by comparison, second only to Morgan, and I'm a little biased there. And your cookies aren't bad, either."
"You lose points for saying all that with your mouth full," she sighed. "But that was adequate."
"So how'd practice go?" I asked with a shrug.
"Fine, thanks," Severa snapped.
I quirked a brow, waiting. Severa just rolled her eyes, sighing. "It's… mother's so… nitpicky about everything! I make one little mistake and we have to stop and start again! Or those comments on my playing posture! How does she sit so perfectly straight!? I have to lean forward to see what I'm doing! I don't know how Brady's putting up with it! It's like, 'I'm sorry I had better things to do with my time in the future aside from play the damn lute, how careless of me'. I don't see Olivia giving Inigo such a hard time! They're having the time of their lives!"
"Wow, it sounds almost like your mother's a perfectionist," I said sarcastically when she was finished.
"You know what? Give me back those cookies," Severa growled.
"Fuck no," I laughed, popping another into my mouth. "She's just worried about everyone else enjoying their night. She's not being hard on you, she's being hard on herself and that's kinda spilling over. You want to make life easier? Bring her a cup of tea, sit with her and talk for a little while, chill her out. Best do it now before tomorrow's festivities, or she'll be a wreck. And enjoy Christmas morning with her, even if there's no presents."
"Do you mean 'Nagamas'?"
"Fuck the little differences between our cultures, you know what I meant."
Severa gave a thoughtful sound as she absently ran her hands through her hair, frowning and staring into space. I took the moment to lean back against the wall and pop another cookie into my mouth, grinning. They were simple cookies, the kind that one would have learned to make with limited resources in a dystopian future, but clearly she'd put a lot of effort into them. They were little Christmas tree shortbreads. Tasty.
"How do you know it'll work?" Severa finally asked, her voice small.
I barked out a laugh. "Are you kidding? Trust me, just do it. Aside from Sumia and your father no one knows your mother better! Fuck, I almost was your father!"
Whoops, probably the wrong thing to say, but I was drunk…
To my surprise, however, I was not treated to one of Severa's patented Tsundere Meltdowns. Her lip quivered for a moment as she broke into a grin, then the walls came down and she burst into laughter so hard she had to put a hand on my shoulder to hold herself up.
"Oh, hey, wow, fuck you I'm taking these cookies back," I huffed.
"I'm sorry, I just can't see you… and mother…" Severa started, her words lost to her peals of laughter again as she turned to lean next to me against the wall, clearly too exhausted from laughing at me to stand on her own. "She's just so much… taller than you! And you sw-swear so much and she's so… so…"
Further peals of laughter exploded from the redhead as she almost collapsed in her laughter. It was rare, seeing her smile so unguarded like this. As far as I know Noire and Lucina were the only others that had seen this side of her. Her whole face lit up, totally different to her mother's. Cordelia was always smiling, always glowing, but Severa was like a firework, blazing bright and colorful before fading away back into her tsundere shell. Seeing her smile with her hair down, though? This was a unique moment. Like spotting a unicorn or the Loch Ness Monster. Or a unicorn riding the Loch Ness Monster to a Pantera reunion tour. I would burn this sight into my brain for the rest of my life.
"We've been friends for years," I countered, grinning a little myself. "If I hadn't gotten drunk and friend-zoned myself…"
"I'm glad you did, though," Severa said with a sidelong grin. "You make a better friend than a father."
"Oh, underhanded compliments now," I smirked. "There's the Severa we all know and love."
"Yeah, you'd better love me," Severa smirked. "I make the best damn cookies here."
"Morgan makes the best damn cookies here. You're a close second."
"You have an unfair bias, you just admitted it earlier," Severa huffed, crossing her arms and still grinning. "In any case, I'm going to go and find some tea and bring it to my mother before she worries herself to death. Seeing as you're so worried about it. I'm doing this for you, you got it!?"
"Yeah, yeah, go on, then," I yawned. "I'm worn out from dealing with all this holiday cheer all day anyway. Go spend quality family time or… whatev… er…"
I trailed off as Severa leaned up, planting a kiss on my cheek.
"Thank you, and Happy Nagamas," she said, looking away with a strong blush.
She then spun on her heel and stomped off down the hall towards the stairs to the kitchens, totally ignoring me. I made a thoughtful sound of my own, popping another of the quickly dwindling cookies into my mouth before bouncing off the wall and continuing on my way to my room.
"Wonder if they have mistletoe here?" I wondered aloud.
And so it was that Nagamas morning came, and Morgan dragged my sorry carcass out of bed at the crack of dawn, as was tradition. Apparently. We were spending Nagamas with Tharja, Robin, Noire and Daraen, my odd, messed up little family, while the various other familial groups did their own similar things.
We passed Virion, Cherche and Gerome on the way out of the room, all laughter and smiles and holy fuck Gerome was smiling without his mask on was I still dreaming!?
"C'mon, Dad, the others are waiting!" Morgan said, pulling me along as I froze.
Gerome glanced up at me, our eyes meeting for the briefest of moments, and flashed me a grin. Then we were out in the hallway, and I was left to wonder what foul sorcery this holiday concocted.
Because Morgan and Daraen had wanted to score some extra 'good boy and girl' points with their various parents we had relented the apartment and the kids, and with Lissa and Sumia's little gaggle's help had set up in one of the various random sitting rooms that were crammed into empty space during the palace's construction. She stopped in front of one door seemingly at random, a big green wreath hanging on it as if to say 'welcome to holidays hell', and she grinned that adorable little grin at me. The one that would make me light myself on fire if she asked. That one. C'mon, fathers know the face. I'm not the only one.
"Wait here a minute," she said, before disappearing inside and shutting the door in my face.
After a few moments of muted speaking on the other side the door opened again, a confused-looking Daraen being shoved out by three or four sets of hands before the door slammed closed again. It all happened so fast I couldn't count them. Judging from the look on the boy's face he had no idea what was going on, either. Gripped in his hands were a couple of classic Santa hats, and he shrugged, holding one out to me.
"Guess we're supposed to wear these?" he said, grinning a little.
"What fresh hell is going on behind that door?" I groaned, accepting the hat as Daraen pulled his on.
"No idea," he shrugged. "All we were supposed to be doing was decorating."
"I call bullshit."
"Call whatever you want, I don't know."
"Bullshit!"
"I don't!"
"Liar! You're banging my daughter, you gotta know something!"
"What!? Ew, that's gross! Morgan and I are just friends-"
"MY DAUGHTER IS ADORABLE YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE HER!"
The ladies chose that exact point to open the door, coming face to face with me strangling the life out of Robin's son.
"Please don't kill my son on Nagamas," Robin laughed, prompting me to release him.
"You get a stay of execution, boy," I hissed dangerously as we both turned to the room.
Robin, Tharja, Morgan and Noire were all standing arrayed for us to see, and all in Christmasy, Nagamasy, festive outfits. Robin had found or made a replica of her coat in bright red trimmed with white fur, baubles hanging off it like she was a tree, and was wearing big thick red gloves. Morgan and Noire both wore more familiar Santa mini-dresses and Santa hats, the kind of get up you'd see in an anime Christmas episode. Judging from Morgan's more confident pose as Noire cowered behind her just a little the younger sister was far more comfortable with the outfits. Which just left Tharja, bunched up entirely under her cloak, the only red showing being the blush on her face.
"Surprise!" Morgan cheered, pulling us inside. "Since we couldn't get any presents because of the weather we decided, 'hey, we'll be the presents'! What do you think?"
I laughed, wrapping Morgan and Noire in one arm each, planting a kiss on both of their foreheads. "I think you both look great. Nice coat, Robin. What, too shy for the dress?"
"I think it looks great, mother!" Daraen said excitedly, focusing on her and doing his best to hide the blush he was getting from seeing Morgan and Noire's exposed legs and cleavage.
"We had time while I was out for the last week," Robin laughed, patting her son's head. "The girls made the outfits in my room to keep me company."
"Aw, you're such sweeties," I cooed, giving both another kiss and earning an embarrassed giggle from Morgan as Noire desperately tried to hide her satisfied grin.
"What about you, Tharja?" I asked, looking up. "Not getting into the festive spirit? Hell, even I'm wearing the stupid hat."
"Hey, I made that hat!" Morgan pouted.
"Hell, even I'm wearing the amazing hat," I corrected myself.
"Come on, Tharja, we all did it," Robin urged. "And you're the one that decided on the outfit, not us."
"This is beyond mortifying…" she muttered, turning her back on us and rummaging around beneath her cloak.
Morgan and I had to suppress our laughter, because Tharja had pinned a piece of paper with the word 'mortification' written on it in big, thick letters to the back of her cloak. Daraen quirked his head questioningly as Noire let out a small sigh. Robin, though, looked strangely excited right now, and…
Tharja leaned forward, putting a pair of little toy antlers on her head before spinning back to us with a big cheery smile on her face, arms spread wide to showcase her Christmas outfit. Or rather, lack-there-of. It was closer to a Christmas bikini, a decorated bright red bikini with little strips of white fur.
My jaw dropped, and Daraen let out a little over-stimulated squeak. Or that could have been me. The kid could have passed out for all I knew, because I was utterly entranced. I don't think I need to remind you all that Tharja was one of the most beautiful women in the Shepherds, and her body was absolutely perfect. Not toned like the fighters, but soft and supple, and dear sweet lord this bikini covered none of it.
Of course the spell was broken when she started to speak…
"Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!" she laughed, smiling and spinning. "What a lovely holiday! What marvelous decorations and splendid costumes! We should be thankful for everyone being here together on such an important day!"
My jaw dropped again. Goddamn 'normal mode' Tharja had made her return.
"Why, tis such an important day I made breakfast for all of us!" she went on. "With the help of my darling little girl! Right Noire-y-poo? Little Morgan even helped!"
"Oh dear sweet Naga please strike me dead where I stand," Noire muttered, closing her eyes.
"This is the greatest day of my life," Morgan whispered, a huge smile on her face.
"What…" was all a flabbergasted Daraen managed before Tharja moved on.
"And Robin, I just adore your coat! What a merry sound it must make!" Tharja continued, sashaying over to the tactician and giving the coat a little shake so that the bells and baubles hanging off of it jingled. Robin stood, clenching her fists and biting her lip as she desperately tried not to laugh.
Of course this proved to be too much for Robin, and she stepped back from Tharja, doubling over as she burst out laughing. Noire and Morgan let out a collective sigh, politely averting their eyes. Daraen just stood, slack-jawed and staring at the alabaster skin showing between the- dammit Ben, focus!
"Tharja," I called.
She spun to me, her big sunny smile lighting up her face. Except her eyes seemed almost desperate, just like last time. "Why yes, Ben, my dear-"
"I want you to hex Robin so she stops laughing."
This made her freeze, Robin barely glancing up before exploding into fresh peals of laughter. Tharja fidgeted a moment before smiling again.
"I… I fear I have no idea what you're talking-"
"Tharja, it's Christmas-"
"Nagamas," Morgan interjected.
"Oh fuck off," I snapped to a victorious chuckle. "Tharja. It's Nagamas, and this is my present for you. For the next twenty-four hours all bets are off. As my Nagamas gift to you I'm repealing my ban on hexing any of the Shepherds, but only if you go back to 'Classic Tharja' right damn now. And no death hexes."
Her face fell for a moment before slowly lighting up in a very genuine, very terrifying smile. "I'll go get my tools!"
And with that she was gone, racing back towards our apartment in a flash of creamy skin, bright red bikini and black cloak.
"Merry Christmas, Virion," I muttered, grinning as I imagined the archer's reaction to seeing so much of Tharja. And then Gerome's reaction. And then Cherche's reaction as she fed both of them to Minerva.
"Okay, ladies and dingus, I prepared for this eventuality," I said, reaching into my pocket and pulling out a handful of talismans. "These are consecrated coins from the Church of Naga. Anti-hex wards. She can hex everyone else to her heart's content, but for fuck's sake Robin, stop laughing."
She just proceeded to laugh harder, falling onto her back and rolling around on the floor. I let out a sigh, waiting for Robin to stop laughing as the three kids just kind of sitting there, but before that could happen…
"WHAT IN NAGA'S NAME ARE YOU WEARING!?"
There was a moment of silence, even Robin stopping as we all exchanged glances.
"Was that… Virion?" Morgan asked.
"Hope you kids didn't like Uncle Virion," I said with a grin.
"Oh," Robin snickered. "Oh you evil… evil man you…"
Virion shouted something unintelligible, followed by Gerome's deep voice shouting as well. Then there were racing footsteps and screaming as the two men ran down the hallway.
"I did nothing wrong! How was I supposed to know she would come into the room!?"
"Mother! Put down the axe! Mother, please!"
"Dearest you would look much better than her in that outfit! I swear! Stop, that one almost ruined my hair!"
"Father you are not helping!"
The only response to their pleas was bone-chilling laughter, the likes of which I'd only heard from Cherche once or twice before. Once was when Virion spilled wine on her wedding dress. The other was… well, I think that time Virion had suggested a three-way.
Eventually the screaming grew distant, leaving us standing in silence watching the door.
"Well, damn. I wish I had've planned that," I sighed. "Oh well, happy coincidences. Didn't Tharja say something about breakfast? All this commotion's made me hungry. Ooh, pancakes."
So, after an eventful Nagamas morning and a light lunch came time for the festivities.
Owing to the fact that they had not been able to hold the big fancy ball, Chrom and Sumia had turned our low-key party into a full-blown dinner and drinks affair. Which, in my experience, is never a good idea. Because there's food in peoples' stomachs to puke up when they're drunk, and given the way these idiots drink it wouldn't be long. But my warnings went unheeded, and we were all sat down at the giant banquet table, piled high with foods. Turkey, roast ham, smaller birds like chickens and pheasants, various salads (I was eyeballing the potato salad, Chrom's chef made a mean potato salad) and enough wine and ale to drown a fish. But probably still wasn't enough to make Flavia and Basilio pass out.
"What are those two made out of…?" I asked, marveling at their constitutions.
As the room watched they grabbed a pitcher of wine each and upended them, seeing who could drink their pitcher first. Flavia won, but only by seconds. Basilio's punishment for losing was to drink a second pitcher and I was starting to feel drunk just watching them. For his part, Vaike let out a weak little moan and ducked his head under the table. Judging from the way Miriel jumped a little he had hidden in her robes.
"I think it's good for them to let loose like this," Chrom grinned. "They don't get the chance often. Besides, keeping them drunk is better than rebuilding my palace."
He then turned a frosty glare on me from the corner of his eye. "However I suppose I should caution about letting too loose that people forget about propriety."
"She came on to me, and I swear if you start hitting on Morgan I'll beat you to death with your wife," I warned.
"Boys, it's meant to be a festive party," Sumia huffed from between us. "Play nice. Dear, Lucina is an adult and is free to make her own mistakes. Ben, I… uh… behave."
"Yes, dear…"
"Hey, I'm not a goddamn mistake-"
"Ben…"
"I'd be the best damn son-in-law you could ever-"
"Behave."
"Yes, Sumia…"
Across the table Lucina glared at me with a blush, pointedly jamming her knife into the tabletop. To my great amusement, Chrom and Sumia ignored this.
Dinner was basically the circus I was expecting it to be. Clearly Sumia had been expecting it, too, because we were eating off the dishes that the servants would have used. Which was a good thing, because as soon as they were done eating Flavia, Basilio, Gregor and Lon'qu automatically picked up their plates and smashed them in the fireplace. This didn't go over well with Lissa, who tore into her husband Lon'qu like he had the turkey leg he'd eaten earlier.
It was nice, having everyone together like this, though. Well, okay, it was bedlam, but bedlam like a good Christmas gathering should be. Thoroughly satisfied that I'd gotten what I wanted I leaned back in my chair, looking for a mop of white hair along the table.
"Yo, Henry!" I called.
The mage in question leaned back in his own chair, a manic smile on his face as he fiddled with some of the bones from the nearest chicken carcass.
"Yes'm?" he asked.
"You can call off the storm now," I told him.
The Dark Mage let out a cackle, rocking back and forth before frowning. "But nobody's died yet!"
"What, the sheer level of human suffering not good enough for you?" I smirked.
"I suppose," he sighed. "Alright, I'll cancel the weather curse. But you still owe me!"
"Yeah, yeah," I waved dismissively, turning back to the table.
Only to find it had gone silent, and everyone was looking at me with astonishment in their eyes.
"What?" I asked.
"Did… did you… orchestrate the blizzard?" Sumia asked haltingly.
"Yes?" I said, quirking my head. "Why?"
"Unbelievable…" Lucina groaned, hiding her face in her hand.
"You really… why!?" Chrom asked in his shock.
"I don't like the other nobles," I shrugged. "Besides, isn't it more fun if it's just us?"
"Hell yeah it is!" Sully shouted, hefting an overflowing tankard.
"Yeah, sorry Chrom but your Court is boring as watching grass grow," Flavia slurred, grinning as she leaned on Basilio's shoulder.
"Ylissean grass," the other Khan agreed with a sagely nod. "Which grows a lot slower than Feroxi grass."
"While I appreciate your reasoning I do not approve of you hexing my nation," Chrom sighed.
"Ah, cursing," I corrected. "Hexes only affect people or things. Henry used a curse. I had to promise he could have my body after I died to get him to do it, too. Just so we could spend the holidays as one big, dysfunctional family."
"Don't lie, you already said you didn't like the nobility," Lucina snapped.
"Oh, that was just the frosting," I grinned. "What, didn't you enjoy spending time with your family for Nagamas, Princess?"
I jumped a little as Chrom stabbed his own knife into the table beside me, chuckling nervously. "Speaking of families, I think I'm going to go spend time with mine. Over there. Thanks for the food!"
Maybe I had pushed a little too hard this time…
And with that I beat a hasty retreat, wondering why they were so pissed off. I mean, all they did was bitch and moan about the nobility, you'd think they would thank me for that, but no apparently I get to be the bad guy.
As conversation picked up again and dinner wound down Cordelia rose before we could all spread out too much, looking far calmer than she had for the last few days, and clapped her hands. "And now, for tonight's entertainment!"
The group gave a raucous cheer as the performers rose and made for the pile of instruments in the corner, Inigo and Olivia disappearing as the musicians began to tune their instruments. A few minutes later they returned, both wearing fun, Christmassy versions of their usual performing clothes. We all watched raptly for quite some time, even Basilio and Flavia settling down to enjoy the show, and before we knew it nearly an hour had gone by. Panting and covered with a thin sheen of perspiration Olivia stepped forward with a knowing grin.
"And now, for a surprise! Girls?"
We all turned to mutter amongst ourselves until Morgan and Noire rose, sheepishly taking to the stage in their Christmas dresses. A cheer went up from the Shepherds, and Morgan gave me a little wink and a wave as Noire tried to erase her presence from existence.
"Dad always used to sing for us on Nagamas, so… We're gonna sing!" she announced cheerily.
The roar of approval from such a small group was awe inspiring, and only died down when Cordelia, Severa and Brady began to play. Then I watched as Morgan and Noire regaled us with Christmas songs. And I don't mean Nagamas songs, I mean honest-to-god Christmas songs, from my own world. Silent Night, White Christmas, Jingle Bells, All I Want for Christmas… all songs I had apparently taught them. I sniffled at some point, not even aware I was tearing up, and Robin reached over and clapped a hand on my shoulder.
As the girls sang the last words of Joy to the World and the musician trio played their last notes, the crowd practically exploded, Morgan and Noire both blushing at the attention and grinning furiously.
"So, we had to teach them these songs!" Morgan called out, getting everyone's attention again, "But there's one more that Dad didn't know we'd heard him sing!"
"I'm not singing it," Noire stated plainly.
"Dad, you come and sing it!" Morgan called out.
I froze up. It was a well-known fact that I couldn't sing at all. In the slightest. In fact, I was amazed either of the girls could sing. They must have gotten it from their mothers. But what song could I possibly…
"He looks a little shy, why don't we get started and maybe he can join in?" Morgan laughed.
Then, to further cheering, a very familiar tune started to come from Cordelia, Severa and Brady. A tune that made me wonder how Morgan had managed to convince them to play this one. I rolled my eyes, grinning a little as I went over the lyrics in my head and took to the impromptu little stage.
"You two are helping out with the chorus," I said, leaning down to Morgan and Noire before turning back to the audience.
And for the first time in a hella long time, I started to sing.
"There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree
Gussied up candy canes and balls
Those carolers have kept me up for hours
It's Merry Christmas seeping through my walls
Now I'm no Wiccan commie nut or nothing
But there's one damn holiday that I can't stand
It ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools
But it'll surely make a fool out of every man
HA!
So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't Hanukkah
Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!
If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone
HA!
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!"
AN2019: Originally done in December 2017 or something, I don't remember. I don't really remember why I wrote this, either. Boredom? Boredom. Let's go with that.
