Metallover's Self Insert Valentine
Ah, Valentine's Day.
As a younger man it was a day consistently up there in my most hated days, along with any athletic event during school and the day before pay day. I know it may be hard to believe this, but I was for a very long time a member of the 'forever alone' crowd. I hated Valentine's Day because no one ever gave me any chocolates or flowers or cards, not even of the pity variety. I know, I know, 'what a salty fuck, go have a cry' right?
But Valentine's always had a little saving grace that the school athletic events didn't until I got a car and could simply skip those days. The day before payday still sucks, though. But I digress.
Valentine's Day also has the distinction of being my baby brother's birthday.
So rather than focus on the fact that I was an ugly fucking chode in high school that no women so much as glanced at, I could focus on the pizza and the cake that would be waiting for me at home. I mean, for my brother, but I got the periphery so there was still pizza and cake.
Heh. Damn near thirty and the thought of pizza and cake is still one of the most exciting things there is…
However, after a number of years in Ylisse I had all but forgotten about my own birthday, let alone my brother's. We had been busy. Busy fighting wars or building a kingdom or, in my own case, reforming the army into something that worked. But once that was done, once Grima was gone and we were all left sitting there wondering 'what now' I was confronted again by Valentine's Day, and my brother's birthday.
And the fact that I was a very, very long way away from home.
I always found it funny that Ylisse had so many coinciding holidays to match our own. Nagamas to replace Christmas, Grima's Fall to replace the Easter long weekend (which was pretty much the same thing, the Ylisseans just celebrated the death of Grima over one glorious four-day-weekend of drinking and feasting), and the newest addition: Saint Emmeryn's Day.
Yup. At some point while I hadn't been paying attention Emmeryn had been canonized and given her own day of celebration. February fourteenth. A day to celebrate the loving and caring side of the Ylissean saint. By giving flowers and chocolates to your loved ones or people you love, forgiving your enemies and living in harmony with the world for one beautiful day.
I figured if I was going to be remembered for a day it may as well be something like this. Or Saint Patrick's Day. I'd prefer a 'Ben Day' to be like Saint Patty's. Drink til you puke then drink some more.
Again, though, I digress. Saint Emmeryn's Day, the Ylissean stand-in for Valentine's, was just around the corner, which was how I found myself in the worst kind of harem-anime hell I could ever imagine…
For the last week leading up to the day the ladies around me had been acting weird. Despite the fact we had the full roster, including a bunch of the spot pas characters just to confuse me and stress me way the fuck out during recruitment missions, a lot of the Shepherds were still single. And the child characters were being hella-tight-lipped about who their parents were. I mean, I knew who everyone's mothers were, but there was a lot of 'I'm not telling you who my dad is' going on. So on days like Emmeryn's Day I liked to sit back and watch for signs of blossoming romance.
Or I had, before we'd beaten the main story and I had nothing to do except watch for signs of blossoming romance day in and day out.
However, Emmeryn's Day also fell on the fourteenth here in Ylisse, too, which meant my brother's birthday. I missed my brother. I'll admit that. The fact that I was still here in Ylisse while he was back home or god knows where made me a little sad.
So, like any good idiot would, I drank myself into a stupor the previous evening to get myself over the hump and into today. I had planned to spend the entire day blasted, but as I cracked open my eyes and beheld the clutch of bottles on my bedside table, all full of amber liquid and waiting patiently for me, I let out a piteous groan and rolled back over in bed.
The fourteenth just so conveniently fell on a Sunday this year, so all my hung-over brain was telling me was 'go the fuck back to sleep', advice I wholly planned on following.
Until I heard the sound of my door creaking open.
Which was amplified by the pounding in my head, eliciting another small groan from me as I curled up into the fetal position.
As always, my maid Elle had terrible timing…
As I curled up tighter and wished I could just die I felt a warm hand resting atop my head, someone giving a small chuckle at my suffering before my blankets were lifted and a very small form crawled into bed behind me.
"Nowi…" I groaned the name like a curse.
"Good morning," the deceptively little manakete whispered, her husky voice and wandering hands leaving no doubt to what she was here for.
"Nowi, I am hungover and dying," I practically sobbed.
"A little… exercise will make you feel better," she promised.
"Just the word is making me want to puke," I warned her.
With a sigh I rolled, my eyes just barely open to slits so that I wouldn't have to behold the cheery Spring morning sunlight that streamed through the windows. No doubt Elle had thought she was being helpful by opening them for me… Nowi scooted back, her lime colored hair already a mess atop the cheeky grin she wore. A grin that made her look even younger; despite the fact she was a very 'experienced' thousand-year-old dragon she still looked like someone that had just hit puberty.
And she was currently in my bed wearing what looked to be nothing but a pair of bright red ribbons wrapped around her chest and hips and that cheeky little smile.
"Oh Nowi what the fuck," I groaned, falling back onto my pillow.
"Today's a special day!" she chirped, bouncing a little. "The others told me that today is a day we're supposed to give gifts like chocolate and flowers and stuff to the people we love!"
"So why are you dressed like that, then?" I almost didn't ask.
Nowi gave an adorable little huff, crossing her arms over her almost-non-existent bust and pouting.
"Because they didn't tell me until last night! So I had to improvise!" she explained, jumping up on the bed. "I'm your present! Be gentle when you unwrap me…"
She said the last part in a sultry tone, giving a little wink for emphasis. I looked at her, gobsmacked for a moment before I decided 'nope' and rolled over, taking the blankets with me. And, by lieu of the fact she was standing atop said blankets, sending Nowi tumbling off the bed to the floor.
"Ow! Hey, that was mean you big jerk!" Nowi shouted, each word like a hammer-blow to my head.
"Leave me alone and let me die in peace!" I snapped back, holding my head. "No means no! I do not consent! I do not consent!"
With a growl Nowi climbed back on top of me, straddling me with both hands on my shoulder. Before she could do whatever it was she was planning, though, I rolled again, flipping the blanket up over top of her. Then, because I was in a bad mood, I grabbed the corners of the blanket and tied them all together while she was still flailing around trying to right herself. My work done, I left a very irritated manakete on my bed wrapped up in my blanket as I grabbed a shirt and beat a hasty retreat.
If she transformed to get out of the blankets I wanted to be a long, long way away…
I closed the door behind me, cutting off Nowi's muffled cries of protest, and leaned back against it with a sigh. Morgan and Noire were both waiting in the common room of the barracks that we all shared, both girls perking up as I spotted them.
"Good morning, dad!" Morgan cheered, jumping to her feet.
"Argh, not so loud I'm dyin' here!" I groaned, sinking down the door a little.
"Oop! Sorry!" Morgan laughed. "But today's special, so we wanted to be the first ones to-"
Whatever else she was about to say was lost in the loud roar and crash from inside my room, and I leapt off the door like it was on fire. Which, given Now's tendency towards property damage when she transforms, it very well could have been.
"Hold that thought, honey," I said, already running from the room.
And leaving my two very confused daughters to deal with an almost-naked and very upset Nowi coming out of my wrecked room in frustrated tears.
I shivered, rubbing some warmth back into my arms as I stalked the corridors of the Palace looking for some breakfast. I had neglected to grab a jacket in my haste to escape from Nowi, and had been forced to walk through town in naught but my shirt. Which was cold, considering it was still mid-Spring. It wasn't snowing any more, but it did get a wee bit nippy, and my high-beams were in danger of putting someone's eye out.
Before I did anything else I snuck into the Royal Guards' barracks at the front of the palace and stole the first jacket I spotted, pulling it on before sauntering back out into the great hall. The jacket was a little tight across the shoulders, but with shoulders like mine that's pretty common.
It was still early, with a mess of maids and butlers running around getting the place ready for the day. A number of the immaculately presented Royal Guard, wearing the same dress uniform jacket that I was no less, were stationed at various points along the hall. They stared straight ahead, their ceremonial halberds and shields held at perfect angles. Think the Buckingham Palace guards, but wearing blue and without the stupid hats.
A few of the older Guards gave me little conspiratorial smirks, one even brave enough to offer a wink. This wasn't the first time I'd snagged one of their jackets, and a few had taken to keeping a spare on hand just in case.
I gave a yawn, not even bothering to cover my face with my hand as I strode boldly up the hall. I figured I'd take the official hallways up to the Royal Apartments. It was a little longer than taking the servant corridors, but at this time of the morning they'd be packed and I didn't feel like playing 'dodge the maid'.
"Oi! You! What do you think you're doing!?"
I kept walking, smirking at the thought of some poor young maid getting chewed out. Because I'm a bastard like that. But I was stopped by a firm grip on my shoulder and spun around to come face to face with an older woman I'd never met before. Usually Laseta, the Royal Head Maid who had now served three generations of Chrom's family, would be the one running the show.
This lady was new.
At first I thought I could have a little fun with this. Until she slapped me across the face.
"You stop when I speak to you!" she shrieked in my face. "Look at you! You are one of Exalt Chrom's Royal Guard, and you look atrocious! You haven't shaved, and your jacket is open and… gods above, do I smell whiskey!? How dare you besmirch your post as such!?"
By now my eyebrow was about halfway up my forehead, and a few of the actual Royal Guard had begun to snicker. All of the maids and butlers had stopped work, too, some watching in fascinated horror while a few of the younger ones looked on with barely contained mirth.
"You have no idea who I am, do you?" I asked calmly.
"I don't care if you're Lord Exalt Roland risen from the grave! Go get yourself cleaned up before I give you a flogging to wipe that smirk off your face!" she snarled, spittle flying into my face.
"Okay, I think a little demonstration is in order…"
With an overly-dramatic sigh I lifted my hand above my head, the one with the ring that Chrom had given me to mark me as his retainer, and clicked my fingers twice. It was about the point that I pointed down at the woman that she spotted the ring and went pale. When the two Royal Guard appeared at her sides, each grabbing an arm, her jaw dropped.
"See to it she cleans every privy and chamber pot in the palace," I instructed the two guards. "Start at the top, work your way down. The only one who supersedes this order is Chrom. Comprende?"
"Right away, Lord General, Sir," one of them answered, struggling to keep a straight face.
I ignored her sputtering apologies as she was dragged away, turning instead to the crowd of cheering maids and butlers. The Royal Guards, to a man, were doubled over with laughter. I grinned myself for a moment, feeling a whole lot better now, before coming to a parade rest stance.
"Right, you lot know your jobs! Get it done!" I said in my 'general voice' before singling out one of the maids. "You. Come here."
She scurried up to me as the rest of the staff resumed their duties, bright sunny smiles on their faces, and dropped a perfect curtsey. She was maybe thirty, her plain face unassuming and her long brown hair pinned up beneath her bonnet.
"Milord?"
"What's your name?"
"Brooke, milord."
"Where's Laseta, Brooke?"
"She's taken ill, milord," Brooke answered quickly. "It's why Lady Felicity was brought in from the Exalt's Summer Home on the Southern Coast."
"She important?" I asked.
"No, milord," Broke answered, leaning in with a conspiratorial whisper. "In fact, she's been getting in our way all week. Couldn't do nothing right by her. Thanks for setting her straight."
"I do so love putting assholes in their place," I smirked. "What about Laseta? Has anyone seen to her?"
"Wouldn't let no one, sir," Brooke said with a worried sigh. "She's been bedridden for days now…"
"Okay then. What were you doing out here?" I asked, digging around my pockets.
"I was dusting the sconces, sir."
"Fuck it, not important," I said, pulling out a gold coin from my pocket. "Take this to Tharja's Workshop on the outskirts of the Merchant Quarter. Tell her Ben wants a potion to cure a cold, don't leave 'til it's done. On your way back I want you to buy enough pastries for all the servants. Y'all do good work, happy Emmeryn's Day. Now hop to it!"
"Yes, milord!" Brooke said, snatching the coin, dropping another curtsey and darting off.
I stood for a moment, watching her go. I'd just handed over quite a lot of money, but still I hoped it would be enough to get pastries for everyone… Chrom had a lot of servants.
"Look at you, ya softie! Being all nice to the help like that. Didn't think you were that kinda guy!"
I turned, glancing over my shoulder at a perfectly presented form of knightly virtue. Uniform pressed and practically shining it was so clean, armor polished to a mirror-sheen, medals and awards hanging off the breastplate… and all of it had been done by Sully's husband Frederick.
"Sup, Sully?" I asked.
"That's 'Knight Commander Sully' in front of the boys," the red-haired woman smirked, coming down the stairs to the upper floor. "And didn't my hubby tell you to stop stealing jackets from the Guards?"
After the Second Fall of Grima Frederick had surprised everyone by retiring, deciding to devote his time entirely to serving and guarding the royal family. He'd never admit it, but I was pretty sure Frederick had retired just to keep me away from little Lucina. Sully had been chosen as his replacement as Knight Commander, and despite some of the nobility muttering 'favoritism' she had excelled at the role. Even the clerical side of it, which was surprising to me.
"It was cold," I shrugged. "You're looking good today, by the way."
"Flatterer," she snorted, giving me a playful shove. Which, coming from Sully, almost threw me off my feet. "It's Saint Emmeryn's Day. Gotta look good for the Lady, ya know?"
"Clearly not," I scoffed, indicating my shabby appearance.
"Fredrick's putting on breakfast upstairs," Sully told me. "I gotta make sure that the Knights don't skip their morning training, so I'll see you later. But first, here."
She shoved a small parcel into my hands, something wrapped in a delicate little red handkerchief.
"It's some chocolate cookies," Sully explained awkwardly, blushing a little. "To say thanks. For… stuff. Like helping us out. You're welcome! I'm going now! And make sure you put that jacket back!"
"Aw, that was almost feminine of you, Sully!" I called after her.
My only response was a rude hand gesture which had only caught on thanks to my particular influence, the middle finger, over her armored shoulder. I laughed and shook my head, carefully unwrapping the cookies as I started up the stairs. There was only a few so they didn't last long, but they were good. Frederick had probably made them, but it was the thought that counted.
I came into the Exalt's Private Dining Room to the sight from a nightmare. An armless, life-size statue of Chrom, made entirely from chocolate sitting in the middle of the table. And it was well-done. Almost like looking at the man himself dipped in chocolate and dear lord there was a mental image I didn't need… think of Sumia dipped in chocolate instead think of Sumia dipped in chocolate instead…
Let me elaborate: a naked life-sized statue of Chrom.
"God I hope for Sumia's sake that's not anatomically correct," I muttered, glancing at the chocolate sculpture's crotch.
Frederick glanced up at the sound of my voice, dark rings around his eyes leaving no doubt to who had been up all night making this monstrosity. Over his usual beige suit he wore a brown-smeared apron, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows.
"Ben. Good morning," the knight-butler greeted, eyes narrowing. "Didn't I tell you to-"
"Stop stealing from the Royal Guards, yeah, yeah, Sully already beat you to that spiel," I waved him off. "So what's with the… uh… art?"
The big knight's entire countenance changed at the question, Frederick practically swelling with pride as he rose to his full height.
"I created this to show Exalt Chrom the depths of my appreciation," he explained, coming as close as I'd ever seen him to smiling. "It took nearly a week. But I finished in time this morning."
"That is so fucked up," I muttered to myself.
"Ah, I have some finishing touches to add," Frederick went on. "Would you be so kind as to fetch milord for breakfast?"
"Yeah, I'm his retainer, same as you," I said, waving the ring in front of him. "I don't do bitch-work."
"Yet you wear the clothes of a servant of House Ylisse?" Frederick pointed out.
"Fine," I groaned. "But only because I want breakfast out of this deal, too."
"Very well, I shall set you a seat," Frederick relented.
"Preferably not one facing Chrom's ass or junk," I added as I walked to the door.
Frederick made a noncommittal grunt, which I decided to take as an affirmative. I slipped out of the dining room and almost immediately ran into Chrom. He had a look of great shame on his face. Clearly, someone had already peeked at Frederick's gift.
"Breakfast is in the parlor," he whispered immediately. "Sumia's already there with Lucina and Lucy. I couldn't let the girls see that… uh… that. I won't say a damned word if you don't."
I fought as hard as I could to keep a straight face, patting the man on the shoulder and leaving him to suffer. As I left Chrom gave a deep sigh, clearly agonizing over how to accept Frederick's creepy-ass gift while simultaneously making sure it didn't happen again.
The parlor was pretty much just a sitting room, and when I got there Sumia and both Lucinas were already tucking into their breakfast. Lon'qu was there, too, nursing a cup of strong-smelling Feroxi tea on the opposite side of the room as the women, and offered me a terse nod in greeting.
"Ben!" the younger version of Lucina cried, setting down her cutlery and running over to me.
She hit my legs with the strength of a freight train, leaving no question to who her father was. Although I'd been punched by the time-travelling version of her, currently sighing and glaring at me, so I knew just how strong she was going to get, too...
"Heya, kiddo," I laughed, patting her on the head. "Nice to see you, but don't let Frederick see you doing that. Mind your manners."
"I know," the little girl groaned, spinning on her heel. "Sorry, mother. Sorry, big sis. I should have excused myself."
"Atta girl," I smiled, nudging her back towards the table with my foot.
"Do not kick me," the older Lucina warned, eyes narrowing.
"Good morning, Ben," Sumia said, clearly trying not to laugh. "I take it you came in through the dining room?"
"Honey, I hope that statue is not anatomically correct," I laughed.
"It's not," Sumia laughed.
"What statue?" Lucina asked.
"I wanna be a statue!" Lucy added, climbing back up on her chair.
"Not like that you don't," I muttered out of the corner of my mouth, catching Lucina's eye and grinning. "I'll explain later."
"Where's big sis Morgan and big sis Noire?" Lucy asked, resuming her breakfast.
"Slaying dragons at the barracks," I said, pulling up a seat. "Well, okay, they're just placating Nowi, but… it's kinda the same thing."
"What did you do now?" Lucina sighed.
"It's more of… what I didn't do," I said with an overt waggling of my eyebrows.
Lucina made a disgusted sound as Sumia sighed and shook her head. Lucy just quirked her head, looking from adult to adult.
"I don't get it," she said.
"I wouldn't play with her because I feel sick," I explained.
"You play with Nowi in the mornings? I wanna play, too!" Lucy pouted.
I snorted, barely containing my laughter at the glare that Lucina gave me.
"Uh, Lon'qu!" Sumia said quickly, changing the subject. "Where's Lissa this morning?"
"Sleeping," the stoic swordsman answered simply.
"Well, why don't we go get her?" Sumia suggested.
"I got it," I said, getting back up. "Have food ready for me when I get back."
Before anyone could protest I stepped back out of the parlor, resting my back against the wall as soon as I was out of sight of the door. I let out a long, low sigh as I let my head droop, closing my eyes. I don't really know why seeing such a scene of familial bliss was bugging me so much that day. I'd gotten through my brother's birthday a bunch of times with no problems since coming to Ylisse, but this time, for some reason…
I rallied, slapping my cheeks and trying to force myself back into the slightly less moody place I usually kept my personality as I bounced my back off the wall and set off for Lissa and Lon'qu's rooms. One didn't spend as much time as me mooching off the Royal Family without learning where all their rooms were, and within barely a few minutes I was standing out front of my destination marveling once again just how goddamn big the palace was. I gave three sharp knocks on the door before calling out.
"Yo, squirt, you alive in there?"
An evil grin spread to my face as I heard the indignant huff even through the thick wooden door. Lissa threw the door open, wearing only her nightgown and an open yukata Say'ri had gifted her during one of many 'cultural exchanges', glaring up at me.
"Yes, and I swear to Naga if you just woke up Owain…" she hissed in a low voice.
"Okay, okay," I whispered placatingly. "The others are just curious about what's taking so long."
Lissa gave a haggard sigh, running a hand through her messy golden hair. "He was up all night with a cold. I just got him to sleep. You can wait inside if you want, we're letting the heat out and I'll only be a few more minutes."
I nodded, silently accepting the invitation and stepping into the room. It was surprisingly warm inside, and I found myself almost immediately fluttering my appropriated jacket to cool off. Lissa wasted no time, already across the room now wearing naught but her silken nightgown, the yukata thrown haphazardly across the back of the closest chair.
"Nice to see you're comfortable around me," I muttered, quirking a brow.
"Oh! Wait right there, I have something for you," she called back in a low voice, clearly wary of waking baby-Owain.
I rolled my eyes, wandering slowly through the small common room and glancing at the detritus of life strewn about. Despite knowing where they were I made it a point to not spend too much time in the Royal Family's rooms, after all. There was a sharpening and maintenance kit for bladed weapons spread out on the coffee table, clearly Lon'qu's, and a number of letters from Regna Ferox were piled up around the edges. Lon'qu was the closest thing that Ylisse had to a Feroxi ambassador, so he'd gotten stuck dealing with the foreign correspondence.
Lissa reappeared, still only wearing her nightgown, carrying a bundle wrapped up in red paper.
"Okay, before this goes any further send someone to talk to the maid Brooke. She's gone to Tharja's to get a potion to help with the cold for Laseta, I'm sure there'll be enough for Owain, too," I sighed.
"Really? Wow, thanks!" Lissa sighed. "That will really help. I've been meaning to go see Tharja myself, but Lon and I have been too busy…"
"Great. Now what's this?" I sighed. "Let me guess…"
"Yup! Chocolate!" Lissa beamed. "Frederick had a heap left over, so I made this for you."
"Ah, so you know about Frederick's 'art', then?" I smirked.
"Are you kidding? I'm the one that gave him the idea," Lissa grinned cruelly.
"Damn. Once again you've outdone yourself, Princess," I grinned. "I'm actually impressed. Take a bow."
With that damn cheeky grin she stepped back, flourishing her hand before placing it over her stomach and giving a little bow. However, she trembled a little, wavering before falling forward into my chest with a little thud. I automatically caught her, arms wrapping around slim shoulders as Lissa gave a weak chuckle.
"Uh… sorry, guess I'm a little more tired than I thought," she muttered. "I'm a little dizzy…"
"No problem, we'll just get you onto a chair or something so you can rest," I told her, glancing around the room for the nearest chair.
As I was looking around, holding the Princess of Ylisse, Chrom's baby sister, in my arms, I noticed a draft of cool air behind me.
"Oh, hiya Lucy, Lon! Shhhhhh… Owain's sleeping!" Lissa whispered with a delirious giggle.
My eyes went wide as panic set in. Lucina and Lon'qu were behind me. My arms were occupied holding Lissa up. A Lissa who was currently very scantily dressed by the lovely medieval Ylissean standards. Who also had her boobs pressed up against my chest, I finally realized.
Hurried, angry footsteps came marching over.
With a tired sigh of my own I resigned myself to the beating that was to come.
"Guys, I doubt you'll listen to me when I say that it's not what it looks like, but could you maybe lay off the head today? I'm kinda real hungover."
A weak groan escaped my lips an hour later as I shifted my hand, sunlight glaringly bright. With a hiss I put my hand back over my eyes, closing them and wishing once more for the sweet release of death.
"Stop playing it up. I already apologized, did I not?"
I glanced out from beneath my hand at Lucina, who was sitting across from me with a fairly embarrassed expression on her face. We had relocated from the palace after she and Lon'qu had beat the ever-loving snot out of me, before Lissa had been able to explain what had happened. And of course, despite my plea to the contrary, there had been numerous blows to the head.
And to top it all off, my pained screams had woken Owain. So at least Lon'qu was in the dog house now, too.
Now I was sitting in my favorite café with Lucina, who had graciously offered to treat me to breakfast by way of apology. I was still wearing the jacket I'd snatched from the Royal Guards, too, so I'd send it back with Lucina.
"I blame you for this," I groaned.
"And I already apologized," Lucina repeated. "Had we known that my Aunt Lissa had been struck by weakness-"
"No, I blame you for all the rumors about me being an unashamed man-whore," I interrupted. "I am not that bad and you know it. What do I gotta do, get married myself!? For Christ's sake, she's married! To a man who was once my friend! Ugh… but no more, that fucker needs to learn restraint…"
Lucina just mumbled something unintelligible that sounded suitably apologetic, wilting in her seat.
Breakfast had been a simple affair; eggs, smoked ham, some under-cooked toast, and a cup of very strong black coffee. Lucina had opted for a cup of tea, having finished most of her own breakfast at the palace before she'd beat me stupid with her uncle.
She sat now, studiously avoiding my gaze, in her 'plain clothes'. Or her civvies, as I liked to call anything that wasn't one of my uniforms. A simple white blouse and dark tan pants under a duty jacket she'd snagged while she had still been my assistant. Clearly, judging by the fact that none of the colors were garish and clashing, Severa had picked this outfit for her. Her hand still occasionally drifted to the empty spot on her hip where Falchion had once hung out of habit. She'd hung up the sword, claiming that she didn't need it in peacetime, but still kept it close at hand in her quarters. Resting on the delicate golden chain was the pendant I'd given her years ago, no longer hidden beneath her tunic now that we weren't fighting wars every other day.
"You'd better not let Noire find out about this," I warned her, leaning forward to take a sip of the bitter, nourishing, life-giving brown liquid in my mug. "She'll kick your ass worse than you kicked mine."
"I know," Lucina moaned, burying her face in her hands.
I smirked for a moment before the phantom pain from where my lip had been split and healed made its presence known again and I gave a pained hiss.
"So what're you doing for the rest of the day?" I asked conversationally.
"Training and studying," Lucina answered automatically. "I wish to take the test to become a magistrate in the Fall, and I still have much to learn."
"Just don't over-do it," I warned, sipping my coffee again. "All work and no play makes Lucina a dull girl."
Lucina huffed, looking away and crossing her arms beneath her breasts. She, like all of the time-travelers, had finally stopped looking so destitute and emaciated now and had grown up. She'd been pretty before, if I'm totally honest, but now she was striking. And while her rack wasn't quite the size of her mother or sister's, she still had a nice pair that-
"You were fantasizing about my breasts again, weren't you?" Lucina deadpanned.
"Woman get out of my head," I snapped automatically.
With an irritated sigh and a swish of perfect cobalt hair Lucina shook her head, before glancing around the café again.
"Does there not seem to be… an awful lot of couples out today?" she asked.
"Do you not know what day it is?" I asked, quirking a brow. "Saint Emmeryn's Day? Chocolates and flowers and love and all that bullshit?"
"I… did not," Lucina said honestly.
"Ugh, you know we look like one of those couples too right now," I groaned.
"You would be so lucky!" Lucina snapped, frowning. "I'm sorry you find my company so disagreeable!"
"Way to overreact, Luce," I deadpanned, rising to my feet and draining the last of my coffee. "I got my own reasons for not liking this day, fuck you very much. Thanks for breakfast."
Then without looking back I left a flustered Lucina sitting alone in the café. She had stormed off while we'd been talking plenty of times, but to my knowledge this was the first time I'd gotten the shits and beaten her to it.
I wandered around town for a little while, simply lost in my own head. I had my hands in my pockets and my head down, so it's no surprise no one called out to me or approached me. I was pretty well known at this point, and usually I'd get at least one or two people asking to shake my hand or thanking me for my service to Ylisse. Fortunately, the people seemed to read the mood and left me alone.
It was a nice day and it was starting to warm up a little, reminding me of the jacket I was still wearing that I'd forgotten to give to Lucina to return to the Guards' garrison.
I stopped as I heard a familiar laugh from one of the niche little open-air bistros, glancing over to make sure the dumbass wasn't wearing his uniform to pick up girls again.
"But of course, my dears," Virion declared. "I, the archest of archers and the loveliest of lovers would love to take each of you on a date today! But unfortunately the day grows short and I only have so many arms!"
The 'archest of archers' and, as I liked to call him, the 'dumbest of dumbasses' was sitting in his gaudy everyday wear, smirking at the attention as a crowd of at least ten women pestered him. The remains of a light breakfast sat on the table in front of him, as well as enough tea to drown an elephant, and as he laughed again I felt a vein throb in my forehead.
"Good morning, Cherche!" I shouted without thinking.
"Cherche!? Where!?" Virion shrieked, color dropping from his face. "Darling it's not what it looks like please don't sic your lovely Minerva on me again oh gods above I'm far to pretty to die!"
His suave persona utterly gone as he dived over the back of his chair and disappeared in seconds, the ladies of Ylisse looked at the space he'd vacated in confusion. I doubled over with laughter, having to hold myself up on a nearby light-pole. My laughter only increased when ten very incensed women turned baleful glares in my direction, finally catching on.
"He's married, girls," I laughed. "Better luck next time!"
Before I could vacate the scene of the crime I felt a large, meaty hand slap me on the back, the distinctive deep chuckle coming alongside me.
"Hoy, was good one," Gregor guffawed. "Gregor not see skinny archer move like that since wedding day!"
"You'd run too if your wife's maid of honor was a wyvern," I chuckled.
"So, will young Ben be taking Virion's place?" Gregor asked.
"Nah, I think they're about to lynch me," I laughed. "Why don't you go keep them company, big guy?"
Gregor gave me a wink, the older man spreading his arms wide as he approached the bistro.
"Ladies, do not be shying from Gregor! May not be as pretty as archest of archers, but has muscles, yes? Round of drinks on Gregor, yes! Stay, and Gregor tells how he single-handedly saved General and Exalt in Valm!"
"Contain thine orgasms, maidens!" I added with a smirk, ignoring the scandalized glares. "It's a good story!"
Then, shaking my head I resumed my wandering. It had looked like at least a couple of the girls had been willing to listen to Gregor's stories, so I didn't feel so bad about ditching to resume my aimless walk. Of course, being Emmeryn's day and a Sunday there were couples out and about everywhere. Smiling, happy couples that made me want to puke and light them on fire. Happy normal people, man… makes me shudder.
Eventually I made my way to one of the small garden squares that the Inner Ward of Ylisstol was known for. Five benches arranged in a circle around a bubbling fountain, all occupied with a small crowd standing around them, too. It wasn't the fountain that was so interesting that day, though, but rather what was in front of the fountain.
Olivia, clad in her skimpy white dancer's attire, was regaling the crowd with one of her beautiful, graceful dances as they appreciatively looked on. Despite working for me and becoming an officer in the Ylissean army she still held tight to her dreams of opening a dancing studio, and she often went out to dance like this, collecting tips to put towards the studio.
I joined the back of the crowd, watching her dance alone with a small smile rising to my face as I was finally able to tune out the couples around me. Olivia had this sort of ethereal grace when she danced, and it was easy to get lost in her movements. There had been many nights in Valm, I'm not ashamed to admit, where the only thing that had kept me going was Olivia's dancing. And I know it was the same for quite a few of the soldiers.
Yet for all her beauty, and all her admirers, she still remained single. And that little prat Inigo refused to clue anyone in on who his father was.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn't realize she'd stopped until the crowd's raucous applause shook me out of my reverie. I clapped along with them, leaning against the back of one of the benches with my hip as I watched most of the men in the crowd drop a few coins in the little box she carried around for tips. Olivia blushed heavily as she waved off all the compliments and praise heaped upon her, bowing low from the waist every time someone dropped so much as a single copper into her box. Which, given the amount of cleavage she showed off when she bowed, only earned her more coins.
Once the crowd dispersed a little and the pink haired dancer squatted to check on her tips I sauntered up, dropping a large denomination gold coin in the box. Her gaze instantly snapped up, her delicate brow furrowing a little as she realized who had given her such a generous tip.
"Ben! I told you, you don't pay for my dancing!"
"Paying for the ambiance," I shrugged, grinning. "Was having a shitty day til I saw you. Taking a break?"
She nodded, still frowning a little as she rose, clutching the box to her generous chest.
"Are you alright?" she asked. "You look a little rough."
"That obvious, huh? Wanna sit?"
"Sure."
By now the crowd had practically disappeared, returning the small square back to its usual low occupancy level as we claimed one of the benches. Olivia sat, fingers running through the coins as she did a rough count. I spread my arms along the back of the bench, leaning back and letting my head fall backwards to look up at the brilliant blue Ylissean spring sky.
"So, what, no great plans for Emmeryn's Day?" I asked conversationally.
Olivia shook her head, piling the coins into the little purse she had with her. "No, just… dancing for the couples. It makes them happy."
"I'll bet it has nothing to do with that fat stack you just snuck into your purse," I smirked, tilting my head a little to glance sidelong at her.
The dancer smiled at the now empty box, resting her hands on its edges.
"I'm so close now," she told me. "So close to my dream."
"It'll hurt to lose you," I told her honestly. "But I think if he can rein in his pyromania Toady will make a good replacement for you."
"I'm not gone yet," Olivia said quickly. "I still have a long way to go and then there's the time to build the studio and-"
"Olivia, take a breath," I cut her off, trying not to laugh.
She complied, gulping in a deep lungful of air and blushing bright red again.
"I just didn't want you to think… I was abandoning you," she said meekly.
"I'd never think that. You're not the type," I said, taking the arm resting on the bench behind her and pulling her in for a side-hug. "You know I support your dream one hundred and ten percent. You wanna go, go for it. Any time. Okay?"
"Thanks, Ben," she said softly.
We stayed like this for a moment, and Olivia reached up to run her fingertips over the callused ridges of the knuckles on the hand I had on her shoulder. We separated then, a relaxed smile on the dancer's face now.
"So why do you look grumpier than usual today?" Olivia asked.
"Eh, it's not important," I waved her off with a grin. "I got to watch my favorite dancer and even hug her. I'd say I got nothing left to be grumpy about."
"Don't do that, don't try to play it off," Olivia huffed.
"What?" I shrugged, before letting out a sigh. "Fine. It's my brother's birthday and I'm homesick. There. Happy now?"
"Oh, Ben, is that why you got so drunk last night?" Olivia asked sympathetically.
"How'd you know that?" I asked quickly. "I thought I was being pretty damn subtle about it."
"You were up on the rooftop terrace screaming 'I'm Batman!' again," Olivia laughed. "You only stopped when Noire and Morgan dragged you kicking and screaming to your room. Virion and Robin had to help. It was… a mess."
"Aw. Now I feel even worse about blowing them off this morning," I muttered, running a hand over my head-stubble.
"So! What can we do to make you feel better?" Olivia asked, smiling at me.
"Well, I was planning to wander around all day avoiding any and all human contact and then drink myself into a stupor," I said slowly, as if considering my options. "Although, the thought of wandering around all day avoiding any and all human contact before drinking myself into a stupor sounds pretty appealing, too. Oh, what if I-"
"Wandered around all day avoiding any and all human contact and then drank yourself into a stupor?" Olivia cut in. "No. That's not going to make you feel better."
"Well, then, doctor Olivia, what do you suggest?" I asked sarcastically.
Olivia let out a little giggle, straightening and putting on a serious face and tone. "As your physician I suggest a good helping of human contact and sobriety."
"Ick. Sounds dull," I snorted, making a face.
"Come on, I know what'll cheer you up," Olivia persisted, bumping my shoulder with her own. "And it's not avoiding all human contact and drinking yourself into a stupor."
"Damn, one step ahead of me," I sighed.
"Why don't you go see Libra?" she suggested. "I know the kids at the orphanage love you, and I know how much you enjoy spending time with them."
"Lies and slander," I said. "But maybe I should go do something. I'll take it under advisement. What about you? Any plans for the most romantic day of the year?"
"Oh, I have plans," Olivia said with a sly wink.
"Please tell me they don't involve you crawling into my bed wearing less fabric than you'd find on one end of an ear-cleaner," I groaned, resting my face in my hands.
"What!?" Olivia laughed.
"Nothing. Long story," I sighed.
Just after lunch I continued my aimless wandering, thinking on what Olivia had told me. She'd disappeared after our little chat, probably to go squirrel away the coins she'd earned with her dancing so far, so I was left to my own devices. Just as I was beginning to contemplate breaking my last gold coin on lunch I was stopped by a flash of red hair and a familiar, biting tone of voice that brought a small smile to my face.
"I told you no! Gawds, you men are all the same!"
Severa huffed, her face twisted in a scowl as a well-dressed young man recoiled from her outburst. He wasn't a bad looking guy. Handsome enough, with a decent chin and a clean, well-presented outfit. Minor nobility of some sort, no doubt. Clearly someone was trying to get lucky. Too bad he'd chosen the prickliest bitch in the entire city. Maybe he was a masochist, though, what do I know?
"B-but all I asked was if you'd join me for-" he stammered, trying to pull himself together.
"No!" Severa snarled. "Now stop following me!"
She crossed her arms and turned her head away in an obvious dismissal, her eyes widening ever-so-slightly as her gaze fell on me.
"There you are!" she snapped, totally ignoring the young man and stomping over to me. "How dare you make me wait so long!? You better be ready to make up for it!"
I smirked at the crestfallen young man, giving him an apologetic shrug before Severa was before me.
"Roll with it and I'll buy you lunch," she muttered, frowning at me.
"Just don't punch me," I muttered back, leaning in and giving her a chaste kiss on the lips.
"Sorry, dear, I got delayed," I told her, just loud enough for the younger guy to hear.
Severa blushed the same color as her hair, clearly torn between kicking me in the balls and storming off and the deception she was trying to pull off. Too bad for her I found that in situations like these it was best to lay it on thick, to leave no doubt that the lie were real. To that end I took Severa's arm, entwining it with my own and began to pull her back the direction I'd come.
"Beat me up later, lunch is on me," I snickered out of the side of my mouth.
"You're lucky he was annoying," the redhead seethed.
"Yeah, yeah, thank me later," I said.
Once we rounded the corner I glanced over my shoulder to make sure we weren't being tailed, but it looked like lover-boy had taken the hint. I moved to let Severa go, but she had a death-grip on my arm.
"Uh, Sev he's gone, you can let go now," I told her.
"Sh-shut up! I know that!" she snapped, squeezing my arm tighter. "You should be grateful! You have a beautiful woman clinging to you! On Emmeryn's Day, no less! You're welcome!"
I rolled my eyes, stifling my laugh. Because if anything would make her snap it'd be me laughing at her.
"Alright, my beauteous blushing date, where would you like to eat?" I asked her.
Severa mumbled something, pointedly facing away from me. "You pick," she said quietly.
I just gave a one-shouldered shrug, seeing as Severa was so attached to the other arm, and led us to the closest restaurant I could find. It was another open-air bistro joint, like I'd chased Virion out of earlier, full to bursting with happy couples. Severa gave a disappointed frown, which the layman wouldn't really be able to tell from her usual frown in most circumstances, when she spotted the line of couples waiting for a table.
"Nice one, bringing us to a full place," she scoffed irritably.
I just smirked, holding up my pimp-hand and letting the light reflect off the ring with Chrom's signet. I strode to the low railing that separated the bistro from the street, ignoring the questioning glares I was getting from the other waiting patrons, and waved over the maître d. With the pimp hand for good measure. The middle-aged man frowned, clearly only coming over to chase me off, until he spotted the ring on my hand. His whole countenance changed, his face lighting up and his entire bearing becoming far more welcoming.
"Oh, Lord General Ben, sir," the man greeted with a wide smile. "To what do we owe the pleasure? Are you and your lady friend perhaps looking for a place to dine?"
"We were, but you look rather busy," I said archly.
Severa smirked on my arm before taking up a look of frustrated boredom right out of the Ylissean court that we so detested.
"Darling, I'm ever so hungry," she drawled. "What about that lovely café up the street? Maybe they have space?"
"No! No, no milady, we have a table that just opened up," the maître d promised quickly.
"We don't want to be any trouble," I said.
"It's no trouble at all," the man said, clasping his hands as if begging. "For a hero and the Exalt's retainer? None at all! Please, come around to the front and we'll have you seated right away!"
"Well, if you insist," I sighed, desperately trying not to smirk.
We followed the man along the front of the café, ignoring the hushed grumbling from those waiting, and were instantly led to a table in the front corner, overlooking the picturesque Ylissean street. The maître d himself sat us down and brought us our menus, promising to return momentarily to take our orders. Only when he was gone did Severa finally crack and let loose the smirk that was pulling at the corners of my own lips, too.
"This is a wild abuse of your power," she said quietly.
"What is power for if not to be abused," I shrugged. "I'd say I'm pretty tame compared to the rest of the nobility. And far more handsome."
"In a rough sort of way, I guess," Severa laughed. "If you like bald men, that is."
"Ooh, ouch," I laughed back. "My feelings. That hurt. I think we're gonna need some wine."
"Of course, Lord General," the maître d said, reappearing at my elbow already holding a bottle and two glasses. "I've taken the liberty of choosing the finest lunch wine to get you started."
I gave Severa another grin, which she returned.
Maybe Olivia had been right, and the best way to avoid the sads was to just do stuff to distract myself.
And, in my defense, I wasn't drinking alone.
Much to my surprise I ended up further taking Olivia's advice and spending the rest of the day after lunch with the orphans at Libra's little church on the outskirts of the city. Severa had been surprisingly good company, but after three courses of lunch and two bottles of wine we'd called it quits and I'd left her to the rest of her afternoon. She had been coy enough to give me a thank you kiss, though, on the lips again like I'd done earlier before disappearing into the Ylissean crowds. I'd made a stop on the way to the little church to grab some chocolate for the kids, which had lasted about as long as the last TV on a Black Friday sale. Libra appreciated the extra help, and it gave me a chance to spend the day doing something distracting and yet still constructive.
And so it was, as the sun sank low beyond the horizon and the pearly blue sky faded to dusk that I trudged back to the barracks, my hands deep in the pockets of my borrowed jacket and my head low.
There would be no pizza or cake waiting for me.
There could be a woman waiting for me, if I'd wanted.
But I'd rather just spend the rest of the day drinking myself stupid. And this time not screaming about Batman. Hopefully I could just sneak by everyone and crawl into bed.
With my head down and lost in my own thoughts it didn't take me long to reach the barracks. I glanced up when the toe of my boot caught the ledge of the first step, sighting through my nose. Deciding to simply face the music I pushed open the door, only to find the place empty and dark.
Thinking this odd, I pushed through and silently closed the door behind me. I padded silently up the stairs to find the officer's common room similarly dark. In fact, it was pitch black, no light at all coming through the windows.
"What the fu-"
Before I could finish there was a blinding flash of light, and I was forced to cover my eyes with one hand as the other instinctively dropped to the small of my back, reaching for one of the twin daggers I always had on hand. I needn't have bothered, though, because…
"SURPRISE!"
When I blinked my vision clear it was to see all my friends in the Shepherds waiting in the common room, smiling and laughing as they tossed confetti and streamers into the air. The entire common room had been set up as if it were someone's birthday, complete with a cake in the middle of the coffee table. Much to my disappointment there was no pizza, even after I taught these fuckers how to make it from nothing, but there was a decent spread on a table off to the side.
Tharja and Robin stood at the back of the room, smiling triumphantly as Noire and Morgan giggled next to the door. Virion and Cherche smiled as the archer brushed confetti from his wife's clothes, and Chrom and Sumia hoisted a young Lucina up between them as she cheered, the older Lucina attentively behind them in case her younger self slipped and fell. Cordelia was there with Severa. Owain, Brady, Cynthia, Say'ri, Tiki, Gregor, Inigo and even Lon'qu and Lissa.
Olivia stepped forward, picking bits of paper confetti out of her hair with a giggling smile on her face.
"Well? What do you think?" she asked.
"How'd you make the room so dark?" I asked dumbly.
"Tharja cast a darkness spell," Robin called from the back.
Next to her the dark mage in question gave a smug grin.
"Y'all know it's a few months early for my birthday, right?" I asked, looking around the room.
"It's not for you, silly!" Olivia laughed. "It's for your brother!"
This shocked me into silence for a few moments, before I finally rallied enough to say…
"I beg your pardon?"
"It's a birthday party for your brother!" Morgan laughed, coming up and giving me a big hug. "You know, the uncle I've never met? You should've said something! We could've done this years ago!"
"You snitch," I said, locking eyes with Olivia.
She just shrugged, blushing a little as she grinned triumphantly. And despite my accusatory tone, I felt pretty good. I felt a lot lighter than I had all day, like someone had taken a kit-bag I'd forgotten I was carrying off my shoulders. Again. I knew I could never be with my family again. That was the choice I'd made. But that didn't mean I couldn't have another family of my own right here.
Like the people I was surrounded by right now.
Like the old saying goes, 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'.
I missed my brother, sure.
But that didn't mean I had to be miserable about it.
"I'm sorry for earlier today…" the adult Lucina said, stepping forward.
"Forget it," I told her. "I was acting like an ass."
Noire surprised just about everyone then, I think, when she came up and gave me a big hug like Morgan had.
"Happy Emmeryn's Day, dad," she said, moving back and handing me a parcel. "This is from me and Morgan."
"Morgan and I," the younger of my daughters corrected.
"Grammar Nazi," Noire and I intoned at the same time.
A peal of laughter spread around the room, and I stepped further in to stand before the cake, at the center of the group.
"Alright, someone beer me!" I said, much to the approval of those gathered.
A mug of ale was pressed into my waiting hand, and I hefted it high.
"Here's to my baby brother! Wherever you are, whatever you're doing… happy birthday!"
AN2018: No, seriously, happy birthday baby bro. This was your present. Hope you like it. Love you, man. No homo.
And a very happy Valentine's Day to all the couples out there reading this story about a salty single man! Hope y'all have a good day. And good sex. Have fun, you crazy kids, but don't forget to use protection.
