Chapter 4: Perspectives

Reiner wasn't altogether present with me after the fight. He was definitely in a daze, fading in and out; lucid one moment and incoherent the next. Unsurprisingly, Zeke didn't express anything beyond a shallow concern for Reiner's well-being and returned to throwing his baseball against the wall like he had known the outcome the whole time. A part of me wondered if he had only indulged our concern of Annie to catch a break from the usual routine.

I leave Reiner sleeping atop the wall, putting some food and water out for him in case he woke up when I wasn't there and needed either/or. I couldn't be around him or Zeke. I just had to get away for a bit. I had to be alone. I make my way down to the streets, passing Zeke as I trace along the wall, finding a clear avenue to walk down. He waves at me and I nod back slightly.

I trace along the border between the buildings and the wall until I approach the canal. I remembered seeing it all that time ago, both in Shiganshina and then again in Trost. It must be the main body of water that runs through the entire wall. All civilizations, it seems, throughout time, have sprouted near rivers.

The water in the canal; is still fairly clear. If it had gone stagnant, there would be more green covering the surface in a slimy film. It still flows through here and on to Wall Rose and Sina.

To think so many people used to live here and walk along this same canal without a care in the world. There's a part of me that wants to go swimming but I settle for putting my feet in the water. I walk until I find a set of stairs that lead down from the street. I could never understand why stairs like this existed. Are they for boats? Or are they for the people who want to stick their feet in the water?

I had reached a point out of earshot of Zeke's pitches so all I can hear around me is the sound of the water. I roll my pants halfway around my calves before plunking them in the cool, refreshing water. It's cold but not uncomfortably so. I sit back and let out a sigh, leaning against the stairs, stretching myself against the steps until I hear my back crack. My toes curl in the water. I feel like melting into the ground. I haven't known peace like this in quite a long time. And I can't help but feel bad about being able to enjoy it like this.

…You probably might have done something like this, too. Right, Eren? Armin? Mikasa? If not this exact thing, you probably looked at this canal at some point. Sat by it. Threw rocks into it. I took so much from you that day. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be here, dreaming of things bigger than you could fathom. If it wasn't for me…you'd still have a home...

("Hey!")

I look up and see a kid with black hair and piercing green eyes staring at me from around the corner of a building. He isn't really there but I know what this is. It's one of the many daydreams that have crossed my mind since that day, distracting me from the real state of things. I've created a few fantasies to carry me through this ordeal but of all of them, this is the one I've come back to time and time again.

"Oh, uh. I'm sorry. Is this your spot? I'll go somewhere else," I would say.

("I've never seen you around here before. What's your name?")

"Bertolt Hoover. What's your name?"

("Eren Yaeger. Are you sitting here alone?")

"Yeah. I am."

("You don't have any friends?")

"I do but I haven't seen much of them in a while. I don't mind being alone, though. My thoughts keep me company."

("Thoughts aren't good enough. Follow me.")

I get up, do my best to dry my feet before putting my shoes back on. Though it looks like I'm following the image of Eren back towards the breach like he's the one leading me, I am leading myself. I want to see something while I'm here. Before the Scouts are upon us and I lose the opportunity. Before I lose this temporary peace. Eren said a chunk of the wall had landed on his house. That must mean he lived close to the gate. I want to see it. I want to see his home.

("Do you live around here, Bertolt?")

"Oh, uh, no. I'm from the other side."

("The other side of Shiganshina, you mean?")

"Yeah, you could say that."

("What do you mean? You know where you live don't you?")

"I do. It's just…I haven't been home in a long time."

("I see. We can go to my place if you want. My parents don't mind if I bring friends over.")

"Am I a Friend? But we've only just met."

("You seem like a nice guy. You're quiet but you've got soft eyes. My mom always said people with soft eyes are good people. It can also mean that they're hiding something. Are you hiding something, Bertolt?")

"I am."

("Well, what is it?)

I can feel the sting of interrogation coming from Eren but at the same time, that sting is my own creation. This conversation, this whole situation is inside my head. It isn't Eren asking me these questions. I'm asking them of myself. Am I good? Or am I just hiding my true self behind a mask of goodness?

We're around the point in my fantasy where Eren introduces me to his Mom and Dad. They're always friendly and saw that I'm always welcome in their home. I never knew what they looked like so I always approximated. I imagined taller, older versions of Eren though I don't know if he takes more after his mother or father. I imagined her as a loving person; loving enough to justify Eren's anger and hatred that filled the void she left behind. We meet Mikasa and Armin after this and we play together. We forget the question Eren asked me before until the Colossal Titan appears.

("Bertolt! Did you see that?")

"See what?" I ask.

("That flash of electricity!")

I look up and visualize the Colossal Titan, its face cresting the peak of the wall before kicking the wall.

The daydream usually ends there.

It occurs to me that I have absolutely no fucking idea where Eren lives. It's not like he talked about it in vivid detail. And there's no sign hanging outside saying "Eren's House" or, more logically, "Yaeger Residence" to make my search any easier. What I know is that the rock was large enough to crush his house completely, pinning his mom under the rubble. I'm still wearing my ODM gear. It's my only way of getting up and down from the wall. We didn't get to swipe any gas refills to take with us because we hoped we could make it to the seawall the first time we captured Eren. But now we're in this situation so we've been trying to conserve our gas should we have to use it later. I don't really care at this point. I can get a better view of the streets from above.

I grapple onto the side of a low steeple and hurl myself into the sky. I remember Zeke wanted to use the ODM gear during a particularly boring period and he failed spectacularly. He could barely keep himself upright. I laugh to myself thinking about it again. At least Reiner and I were better than Zeke at something.

As I soar above the city I look off in all directions, looking for more crushed houses. Very few houses were completely demolished. The destruction was liberally scattered and fairly uniform.

But then I spy a single house with a large chunk of debris that sprouts up from the place where the building had once stood. It was on a terraced street, leading up from the gate towards the fortified garrison in the center of town. It was the only house in the row that was completely destroyed. This had to be the one, I thought. I could have been mistaken but there was a part of me that believed I was right. I make my way back to the ground. I hadn't wasted much gas at all.

My walk up to the house is purposely labored. My footsteps are soft. It feels like I'm in a church or a tomb. It's so unnaturally quiet, like all of the air has been removed from this place. The rock that crushed the house looms ever closer. It's massive. It almost seems unfair. The house was a decent distance away from the breach but it still got hit. I look behind me towards where I had stood on that day, barely a teenager, but with the power to look down on all of them like I was the god of their world. Now I'm far below and I've never felt so small and insignificant. The titan that ate Eren's mom must have walked down this same street in the direction of their house. She was pinned under the remains of her house where she had spent her entire life. I crouch near some of the rubble and wonder where she might have been trapped as she helplessly watched her son do everything that he could to pry her loose. She was eaten and her son saw everything. And it was all my fault. All of this destruction and death are because of me.

...I'm sorry, Mrs. Yaeger. I'm sure you were a wonderful woman who loved her son. Your only crime was being born on the island and, even then, I'd hardly call that a crime...

...I'm sorry, Eren. If it wasn't for me, you'd still have a mother. It's funny. You always prattled on about your mother but I don't think I ever told you about mine. My mother is dead, too. She wasn't eaten. An illness took her from us when I was young. It's just me and my dad now and he's not doing so well. That's why I became a warrior. By shortening my own life and doing these dreadful things, I hoped I might make the lives of those I love a little bit easier...

...My only hope, Mrs. Yaeger, Eren, everyone, is that you will understand why I did what I did. As hard as that might be...

("Mr. Hoover! Please help! My mom is stuck under our house! And there's a titan! Please help us!")

I'm dressed in a Garrison uniform now. Not really, though, but this is another kind of daydream I've had. One where I'm the soldier who comes to Eren's aid. Where I am the one who confronts the approaching titan while he and Mikasa dig his mom out of the rubble.

"Don't worry, kiddo. Everything is going to be alright. I'll take care of this titan and then we'll get your mother out of there safely."

I'm always braver in my imagination. Things like fear don't exist where you don't want them to. I immobilize the titan, blinding it first before taking out both of its legs by slashing out its heels. I go for the nape after this and any immediate danger is neutralized. Once I've done that I return to the house and use all of my strength to lift the beam pinning Mrs. Yaeger. It's still quite heavy but I'm strong enough to hoist it high enough so that Eren can yank his mom free. Both her legs are broken so I take her in my arms and we sprint for the gate, Eren and Mikasa in tow. Mrs. Yaeger is taken to be treated for her wounds and when I know they're safe, I return to aid the evacuation. But before I go, I catch a look at Eren as he stares back at me, admiring the hero who saved his mom, the kind of man he might want to be when he grew up.

("Thank you for saving my mom, Mr. Hoover.")

"Don't worry, kiddo. You look after her and your sister, alright. I'm counting on you to be strong."

It doesn't matter if I live or die after this moment. Whether I'm killed when the Armored Titan charges through the inner wall or if I'm killed in the recovery operation years later. A common thread in my daydreams is that, regardless of what role I play, everything largely stays the same. A single woman lives who might have otherwise perished.

(Are you hiding something, Bertolt?")

The honest truth is that—despite all of my wondering and rhetorical questions, despite all of my daydreams, all of the tears I've shed thinking about the things I've done—I've never lost sight of the truth. I've always known my place in all of this; what I'm guilty and innocent of doing. And through it all, I still believe that I'm a good person. My soft eyes don't betray a single thing. This heart of mine is kind and still keen with love though to Eren and the others, it might seem cold and cracked and cruel. I am still deserving of good dreams and of peace. Through events beyond our control, Annie, Reiner, Marcel, me, the other warriors, even Zeke were born in Marley while Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, and the cadets were born here. We didn't have a say in any of this and now we've been told to kill each other. Despite everything that I've done, I will never deny my hand in these atrocities. But I do not take the blame. I place that entirely on the cruel world I was brought kicking and screaming into, against my will.

The foundation was laid centuries ago. Even if none of us were born, the Colossal Titan would still exist. It would still have kicked down the walls. The Armored Titan would still have breached the inner wall and these events would play out unchanged. That's the reality. This my declaration addressed to nobody but myself. I am Bertolt Hoover. I am the one who kicked down the walls in Shiganhina and Trost. This is the world that has been created by my actions and I will not run away from it. I'm not strong enough to break the cycle but I am strong enough put an end to this mission. And if that means I'll have to kill every last one of them: Armin, Mikasa, Connie, Jean, Sasha, and the rest of the scouts, to bring about that end, then so be it. That's just how it is.