Chapter 5: Confessions

I'm tired. Reiner is awake when I ascend the wall later that evening. It's getting to be around sunset. He's sitting on an empty supply crate and eating some of the rations I left him and he still must be out of it because he doesn't even acknowledge me as I approach him.

"Reiner?" I ask, "You there, buddy?"

"Huh? Oh, Bertolt. Sorry. Everything's still a bit foggy."

"Yeah. Seems like it. You looked like you were just staring off into space."

"Zeke sure gave me a beating, didn't he?"

"He did. But I wouldn't say it was a well-earned victory by any stretch. I saw how he had Pieck place those boulders around the place for himself. You almost had him though. But then he went for the eyes. You're just a more honorable fighter, I guess. Not like it matters when it comes to winning or dying."

"Yeah. I guess not. I'm sorry, man. If I had won, we'd be going to rescue Annie."

"Do you believe that?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you honestly think that Zeke would honor the rules? What makes you think he'd start now? Win or lose, we'd still be here waiting for Eren and the others."

"Bertolt? How could you believe something like that? This is Annie we're talking about."

"I'm just trying to be realistic, Reiner! Open your eyes. We have no say in any of this. We have no control. Zeke's in command. Let's just do what he says and finish the mission."

Reiner stares at me like I'm from another planet, or like I've transformed into a creature with multiple heads and arms. I both can and can't claim responsibility for the words that exited my mouth and the sequence with which they arranged themselves. But whether I wanted to believe it or not, I have to take ownership of my beliefs. I am currently in a state of believing and unbelieving.

"It's like you said, Reiner. We have to press on as warriors, we have no road to follow but the one that leads to the end. We have to keep moving forward. For Marcel. For Annie. For everyone back home."

"It's not that simple!" Reiner said, throwing whatever was left of his rations over the side of the wall. This seemed to be how he expressed his dissatisfaction with things nowadays.

"What do you mean?"

"I haven't changed anything. I haven't saved anybody. I still remember all those lofty dreams about saving the world. But so far, all I've done, since the moment we landed on this island, is kill and destroy and deceive and contribute to more misery and death. I felt like I could play the part of a hero when I was a soldier and be the guy people trusted and admired but that's all it was. An act. I was being Marcel. I was never that person, try as I might. By fighting Zeke, I wanted just one moment in my life where I could do something different. Snatch a life away from death's door rather than force them through it as I have in the past. But I can see now how that dream was foolish. I haven't saved a single goddamn person."

Reiner breaks down. I haven't seen him like this in a very long time, not since we were kids. Tears fall from his face and stain the floor. He beats his fists against the unnatural stone in frustration. The beating turns to furious punching and he pounds at the ground until it starts turning red. I grab at him from behind, locking up his arms and sitting him back down. I give him a handkerchief for his tears and I root around in our supplies for some medical wrap, scissors, and some alcohol to disinfect the parts of his knuckles where the skin was torn off. I pull another empty crate close to him.

"You've saved people, Reiner. You may not think it but you have. Remember in the castle when you pushed Connie out of the way and hurled the titan from the window? You had no reason to do that. You could have let Connie be killed and it probably wouldn't have changed much about you. But you chose to put yourself in that position. Even if you had gotten lost in the role of a soldier, it was a very brave thing to do. Or when you saved Historia from falling off the castle parapet. Think about all of the Eldians back home we'll spare by making it so we never have to come back here. You still have time to change things. And don't ever forget all of the times you've protected me. You've always been there for me and I promise I will always be there for you."

"Bertolt…" Reiner says as his eyes glaze over again.

I return to bandaging up Reiner's hands before he grabs behind my neck with a kind of swiftness I don't expect. The skin on his hand is rough and calloused and I remember how strong he is when he pulls me into him. My first instinct is to pull away for fear that he would try and hurt me but all force leaves his arm as he leans in delicately and kisses me. I don't know what to do with my own hands at this moment. I still have the bandage roll in my right and the small pair of scissors in my left but I let them fall, the scissors making a light clink on the floor.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. It should be wrong. Shouldn't it? But the way he is holding me, lightly gripping the back of my neck with one hand and caressing my cheek with the other, makes me feel warm and safe, two feelings I haven't felt since forever ago. I quiet the little nagging voice in my head and I place my own hands gently over Reiner's thighs.

I don't think I've ever kissed anybody before now, not like this, anyway. I can't imagine Reiner ever kissed anyone either. I'm no judge of quality or technique but this doesn't feel right. There's too much tongue, too many teeth, and every so often we have to separate to catch our breath. When we do, we sit there, our foreheads pressed against the other. I try breathing through my nose and the air from Reiner's tickles my upper lip.

I don't know how long we do this for but the sound of footsteps approaching throws us out of the moment.

"May I ask what you two were doing just now? Zeke asks, standing over us looking like a parent who has just caught us doing something we weren't supposed to. He gently tosses his baseball the brief distance between his hands into his glove.

I quickly scoop up the bandages and scissors again and pretend like I'm a medic again.

"Oh, uh, Reiner scraped his knuckles and I was just cleaning the wounds and patching them up. That's why we're so closed together like this. The alcohol stings, that's why Reiner's clinging to me like this. Heh."

"I see. We'll…I'll leave you to that. I'm going into my tent to read. You two should get some rest."

"Will do," I say.

Zeke eyes us suspiciously like he knows exactly what we were doing. He probably thinks that we've reached yet a new rung of boredom that we've taken to playing kissing games. Let him think what he wants. I don't particularly care.

"I'm sorry about that," Reiner says once Zeke is in his tent. He takes his hand off my neck and lets me finish with the bandages, "I don't know what came over me. Not thinking straight."

"No, don't apologize. It's alright. It felt nice."

"Yeah. It did. Hopefully, it'll feel that way for you when you're finally back with Annie."

"What? Why would you say something like that?"

"Please, Bertolt. Not with this again. For once, please don't do that with me. Just admit it."

"Admit what?"

"That you love Annie. I know you feel it deep down, but I want you to say it out loud."

I let out a long, exasperated sigh.

"I will admit that it's getting annoying trying to cover it up. It's not like I do a good job of hiding it. Everyone has me pegged it seems. You, Ymir, even Armin."

"So why not just shout it out. Get it off your chest?"

Reiner grabs me by the wrist. His hold is unrelenting. He's death gripping me to the point where red splotches are dotting his bandaged knuckles.

"Come on," he says. He starts jogging and I follow after him. We run until we're on the far corner of the wall surrounding Shiganshina.

"Alright. This seems far enough. Fair enough, that Zeke won't hear us."

"Why are we out here?" I ask.

"Look out there. Back that way is where Annie is. I know you don't believe that she's dead. She's alive out there somewhere."

"Yeah. She is."

"I want you to shout it out. Shout it for all the world to hear. Declare your love for Annie."

"Reiner, I don't think this is a good idea."

"It's a great idea. Also, I'm not giving you a choice. Before I die, I want to hear it. I want to hear you say 'I love you, Annie.' Please." Reiner clasps his hands together in a prayer like he's begging.

"Alright. Ok." I clear my throat, take a few deep breaths. The whole idea seems stupid. I already know how I feel about Annie. Shouldn't that be enough? But Reiner is insistent and there's no arguing with him here.

"I love you, Annie," I say, sort of half-shouting half-talking loudly.

"That's a scream to you? C'mon! Louder!"

"I love you, Annie!"

"Louder! From your diaphragm!"

"I LOVE YOU, ANNIE!"

"Shout it again!"

"I LOVE YOU, ANNIE!"

"That's it! That's what I wanted to hear! Thank you, Bertolt. I can die in peace now." Reiner says. I laugh. We watch the sun as it finally slips below the horizon completely. Though it's gone, it's still light out, though the colors in the sky are vanishing quickly.

"Heh. My throat hurts now. But that felt good. Thanks, Reiner." I look over at him and I see tears welling up in his eyes.

"Bertolt?" he asks.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think, in another life, we could have stayed here? We could have changed sides and spent the rest of our lives as soldiers?"

"I don't know about that. We broke through the walls. Too many people have died for us to ever bridge that gap."

"We could have just snuck into the walls without destroying the gates, without killing all those people. Problem solved, right? We could have joined the military, met Eren, revealed ourselves as shifters, and fought alongside him, Ymir, and the others against Marley. We'd easily outnumbered them. Then maybe Krista and I could get married and have kids and you and Annie could settle down, have kids of your own and we'd raise them together. I don't know. I think about that a lot."

"Reiner…I enjoyed my time as a soldier, don't get me wrong. But that could never happen. It's too late. What's done is done. And besides, we have family back home. You would turn your back on your mother? On Gabi and her family. What would happen to Annie's father? What would happen to my father? They'd be killed. I won't allow that to happen. I know you won't, either."

"Yeah. You're right."

"Besides, I don't think you and Historia would work as a couple either."

"Who?"

"Krista. Her real name is Historia. You don't remember that?"

"Really? Huh. I guess I didn't remember that. But what makes you think it wouldn't work? Are you just trying to bust my balls like I do with Annie?"

"No. I'm telling you this honestly, as your friend. It wouldn't work."

"Why not?"

I pull the letter from Ymir out of my pocket and brandish it in behold-fashion in front of Reiner's face.

"Because there's someone else who genuinely loves her."