Title: Seeking Rin
Chapter: 5 - Adagio
Author: Killaurey
Rating: T
Word Count: 4469
Summary: When Sakura, newly in a relationship with Kakashi, finds out about Rin, she makes a choice that's hard on them both. Even worse, there's a mysterious illness cropping up in Konoha that even Tsunade can't heal. And what does Ino have to do with it? Kakashi x Rin, KakaSaku.
Disclaimer: Naruto doesn't belong to me. It's Kishimoto's and I just play with it. Part 5 of ? Unbeta'd.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" a voice asks peevishly. "After all the work that's gone into-well, you know-you want to put them back together again?"
Leaning against the wall of the bathroom stall, they listen to the person on the other end of the line. "You think so? I mean, I can twist it, but wouldn't it be simpler to just… no?" There's a momentary silence. "It would give us time to properly monit-right. That's true. Better to control it than have it happen anyway. But why today?"
There's a flush of a nearby toilet. It's no one important though and they haven't been paying attention to the voice anyway. Their presence is logged and then ignored. "Serious? Already? That's faster than project-look, report to Hokage-sama first and get her go ahead - what do you mean how? You know how, get one of you to do it, there's only a million of you."
"Stop laughing." The voice sounds amused. "While you're with Hokage-sama, can you direct more chakra to my-yeah, I'm getting low. Okay. That'd be great. If you show up, I'll assume you've got the go ahead and we'll wing it from there. I've got to go, intermission is almost over."
"I can't believe we spent money on that play," Sakura complains good-naturedly as she and Ino walk down the busy street. It's getting towards late afternoon now and the sun is beginning the slow crawl towards setting. "The whole plot was just a ploy by evil nin! What is that?"
"Oh come on," Ino says laughingly. "It wasn't that bad, right? And the bad guys were seriously smokin'. That's got to be a point in their favour! I liked the marionette's plot twist!"
"You would. It was creepy," Sakura grouses, rolling her eyes. She's not sure if Ino is saying she likes it because Sakura is complaining about it or because Ino actually enjoyed it.
Though the bad guys had been pretty attractive.
"Well, yeah," Ino says, like that doesn't matter. "You've got to admit it was a pretty clever ploy though. I wonder if the writer has ever been a ninja or if they're just going off other stories and using their own knowledge of what it means to be one?"
Sakura considers that. "I don't know," she says dubiously. "I mean, the costumes were pretty useless if it was something that a real ninja-former one or not-designed. They'd have gotten caught up in their own clothing if it had come to a real fight."
"True," Ino replies, "but, like, it's not as if the writer has to have all that much to do with the costumes. The actual writing of the play was pretty clever."
"I guess so." Sakura shrugs and changes the subject. "Where do you want to go for supper?"
Ino's grin says she knows why Sakura's changed the subject but she just shrugs back at her. "Nothing with yakitori," Ino says, "but other than that, I'm good with anywhere. You hear of any new places opening up lately? Wasn't there one by the old cabaret in west side?"
Sakura tries to remember if she's seen anything in any of the fliers or newspapers she's gotten lately and if she's heard anything at the hospital. "I think so," she says slowly. "I can't remember what they're supposed to be about though."
"We might as well try," Ino decides abruptly and cuts across the street without warning.
Sakura almost stumbles as she tries to keep up with Ino. "Geez," she laughs, once she's across the street and has caught up with her friend. Sakura wraps one arm through Ino's to make sure she doesn't do that again. "Someone's hungry."
"Maybe," Ino laughs. "But can you blame me? We spent so long shopping this morning that we missed lunch!"
"I seem to remember days when you were always on diets," Sakura comments teasingly, even though once upon a time, she'd been know better.
"Meh. My parents set me straight about that one quick enough," Ino tells her, tugging her along. Sakura wonders if Ino even knows where she's going but doesn't bother to ask. As long as they find some place to eat, she's good with that. "And Asuma-sensei was an utter bear for proper nutrition andyou try being on a team with an Akimichi and see how long you can get away with not eating properly."
"Lucky," Sakura says, smiling slightly.
"Oh?"
"That you had people around to tell you that," she clarifies, as they turn down another corner. The streets are slowly clearing out now that they're not on the main drag. "My team didn't notice if I pulled stuff like that-or if they noticed, they didn't say anything about it."
Ino looks a bit uncomfortable for a moment then shrugs. "Well," she says, with the air of someone who is picking their words carefully, "I mean, it's not like it's news that, well, Hatake was more interested in training the Uchiha than in paying attention to his other two students, right?"
Sakura has to nod. It's true. She hates it, but she can't rewrite the past. That's how it had been, once upon a time. In training, Sasuke had always gotten more attention. She remembers tying with Ino in the Chuunin exam and then being ignored for a month while Naruto was dumped off on another sensei because Kakashi was too busy with Sasuke.
She remembers how that hurt.
"So," Ino continues, "it's not all that surprising that some things slipped past hisnose, and then Naruto is, well..."
"He's a good friend," Sakura defends him, bristling slightly.
"I'm not saying he's not," Ino says quickly. "But, seriously, Forehead, you can't deny that he was more oblivious than ought to be legal at that age."
Sakura grimaces but can't object. "And Sasuke cared only for himself," she says, before Ino can say it. It's easier for her to admit it than for her to hear it which makes very little sense and yet is true nonetheless.
"Yeah." Ino is silent for a moment. "Well, at least you had me."
"Ego, much?" Sakura rolls her eyes, laughing a bit. "You're seriously still on about that? We weren't even talking at that age!"
"Um," Ino says, "excuse me, but I seem to remember rushing in to save your sorry ass in a certain forest. You know, complete with fixing the god awful haircut you'd given yourself. That sounds like you still had me."
"My hero," Sakura says, leaning into Ino a little. "And then we insulted each other and you were all up in arms over the fact that I'd hugged Sasuke."
"Well, duh," Ino replies, "he clearly wasn't good enough for you."
"Now that," Sakura says, shoving playfully at Ino, "is blatantly rewriting the past, Pig."
The streets around them are quieter, hushed in expectation of something, which Sakura tells herself she's being silly to think that. She tries to remember the newspaper ad she's seen. "I think it's a little bit further," she says, "maybe down that next turn?"
"Are you sure?" Ino asks, frowning a little. "Maybe we should get up on the roofs to see where we're going. Not going to lie-I rarely come down this way. We're way too close to the abandoned sector for anyone to feel really comfortable talking or doing business here."
"I'm sure we're close," Sakura insists, not wanting to give in too quick. "We can't be all that far."
"Okay," Ino says, "but if you're wrong, I'm going to lord it over you for the rest of the day-Naruto?"
Sakura stops dead as Naruto and Kakashi appear in a swirl of leaves just ahead of them. Her grip on Ino's arm tightens.
"Easy," Ino murmurs quietly, "don't cut off my circulation, Forehead."
Flushing a little, Sakura loosens her grip but doesn't let go. Sakura's eyes narrow. She's told Naruto she doesn't want to talk to Kakashi and now… now he's brought him right to her.
She can't help but feel a little betrayed by that though it doesn't change the fact that her stomach is doing somersaults in her throat (or so it feels like, since that's physically impossible) and her throat's gone dry with fear. Kakashi would be in his right to hate her.
Kakashi is wearing nothing but a pair of drawstring pants with his mask and hitae-ate. His expression is entirely unreadable, even to her, and she knows that means he's upset.
Sakura just doesn't know if that means he's upset because of being brought against his will to see her or-or what. She doesn't know what she hopes he's upset about either.
"What's this about, Naruto?" Ino demands, shaking free of Sakura enough to step in front of her.
"Ino," Sakura hisses, "you don't have to hide me. I can deal."
Ino ignores her and Sakura can feel her temper starting to build.
"Ino-chan," Naruto says, his blue eyes serious. "Don't you think they ought to talk?"
"No." Ino's response comes quick and flatly. "I think Hatake needs to get the fuck over his issues and then decide what the hell he wants to do. I think Sakura did the right thing."
Sakura winces. Ino rarely swears. That makes Sakura think there's more going on here than just protecting her from her ex. "Ino," Sakura says, her voice quiet. "What's wrong?"
"Shush," Ino says over her shoulder.
"Don't shush me!" Sakura flares. "You-"
Ino cuts her off. "I'm waiting for an explanation, Naruto."
Naruto frowns at Ino, then at Sakura. "I think," he says stubbornly, "that talking now will make it easier for them later. You're not the only one who cares about Sakura-chan, Ino-chan."
Ino tosses her head. "I'm the one who knows best-do you even know what's wrong with him?"
"Enough," Kakashi says.
Sakura swallows hard as Ino and Naruto's bickering falls abruptly silent. That's not Kakashi's voice. She knows his voice, she's heard it for years under all sorts of emotions and yet she's never heard him sound the way he has with that one word. Goosebumps track down her arms like little harbingers of doom.
What's wrong with Kakashi? she wonders.
"Ino," Sakura says, with a glance at Naruto's wide eyes and Kakashi's blank expression and Ino's back, which is screaming loud and clear that Ino is ready to fight if it comes to that. "I think we should just-go. Supper, you know? And we can talk to Naruto and Kakashi… some other time."
Forehead, Ino's voice whispers in her mind. Calm down for a sec.
Sakura bristles-she hates it when Ino talks inside her head-then realizes what that's got to mean. Ino's got her shields down and is picking up thoughts.
What is Ino picking up from Kakashi?
She knows that something has changed: Ino's never been Kakashi's greatest fan but this raging protector routine is new. Sakura doesn't like it.
But she doesn't like the way Kakashi is staring at them either. His expression is blank but his one visible eye is hard with hatred as he glares at Ino.
Is he mad because Ino is blatantly ignoring his right to privacy in his own mind?
Sakura can't really blame him for that-she's voiced the same complain to Ino before-but she reallydoesn't like the look on his face. She steps in front of Ino, which snaps Kakashi's attention away from Ino and onto her.
"Sakura," he says, his voice still sounding… off.
What are you doing? Ino's voice asks.
Protecting you, Sakura thinks back and stares stubbornly at Kakashi. Her worry for him is hidden under a resolute expression. If he attacks Ino, Sakura will attack him.
Because if Ino is attacked, they have no way to stop her from bleeding to death. And Ino has never cared about herself when it comes to protecting someone she loves.
Sakura thinks of something and swallows. She doesn't like it but she's done harder things. This is just more of the same. "Naruto," Sakura says, "maybe you're right."
Naruto blinks. Kakashi blinks. She can feel Ino's questioning stare on the back of her head.
"Sakura-chan?"
"I think," she says, "that maybe I ought to talk to Kakashi. You're right. I should have done this before. You think you can look after Ino for me so I can get a bit of privacy?"
I don't need a keeper, Sakura!
Shut up, Sakura thinks sharply, unsurprised that Ino has followed the thoughts that have led to her making this decision. I'm not giving you a keeper! I'm giving you time to figure out what's wrong with him. He doesn't sound like that, he doesn't look at you like that. It's all wrong and I want to know why without you dying because of my decision to break up with him.
Fine. Ino's voice is sulky and grudging, but Sakura knows she can trust that acceptance. Ino shifts behind her and Sakura guesses that Ino is crossing her arms while she snaps out, "Naruto, get your ass over here."
Naruto looks between Sakura and Kakashi warily, like he's not sure that he's done the right thing, but it's far too late for him to be changing his mind now, Sakura knows. "Sakura-chan," he begins.
"I'll be fine," she says.
He mutters something to Kakashi that Sakura suspects is a threat and Sakura doesn't try to hear it. She doesn't want to know. She wonders what Naruto thinks about Kakashi and the way he's acting. Naruto isn't treating him the way he usually does.
Sakura isn't sure if that's her fault too.
"Alright," Naruto says, once Kakashi has murmured something too low to make out. Naruto shoves his hands into his pockets and slouches over to them. "Ino-chan, where did you want to go?"
"We're looking for a restaurant," Ino says, and then leaps up onto the rooftops. Watch out, Forehead.
I will. Sakura promises, though she thinks that Ino is worrying too much. Kakashi's never hurt her, except with Rin, and even then, that's indirect. Sakura knows that.
"Ino-chan!" yelps Naruto, who quickly follows Ino up onto the roof.
Sakura crosses her arms over her chest, feeling cold in a way that's got nothing to do with the temperature, now that she's alone with Kakashi. "Kakashi," she says.
"Not Hatake?" he asks, and his voice is low and closer to what she's used to. He's relaxed a bit, now that the other two are gone, she thinks uneasily.
Was the strange voice a ploy to get her alone? She hopes not. Maybe he's just relaxed because their hostile audience has gone and she can't blame him for that. Not even when Sakura knows they're still around-Ino wouldn't go far, and is likely monitoring Kakashi's thoughts right this second; Sakura spares a moment to wonder what her friend has done to Naruto to make him go along with that, then focuses on Kakashi. "I've never called you Hatake," she says, because that's the truth. "Why should I start now?"
"To put distance between us?"
"Maybe," Sakura says as her stomach flips unpleasantly, "but I think I did enough of that already."
His face darkens. "What I don't understand," he says, "is why. I think I'm owed an explanation for that, Sakura. You could have asked me about Rin. Why didn't you?"
The name lingers on the air between them and Sakura shivers then tells herself it's just from the breeze, which is taking on a cooler cast as evening crawls closer.
"I know," she says quietly, unflinchingly. "I considered that. You were gone for weeks. Even though I wrote the note while upset, I had plenty of time to think about my options and choices and to go take that note back. I didn't."
"Then explain it to me," he says. "Don't I deserve that much? Your note said you didn't want to be a replacement for Rin. What have I done to make you think you areone?"
Sakura bites her lip. She doesn't want to explain it to him. She doesn't feel like she's got to-that he should just accept it, but she knows that's not how it works and that she's the one being unreasonable. "I decided not to ask," she says finally, "because even if you told the truth, I didn't know if I'd be able to trust it."
"That makes no sense." The violent hate in Kakashi's eye has faded to something she can understand: weariness and pain.
It's awful knowing she's the one that's made him wear that expression.
"It's not about you," she says, forcing herself to speak clearly, without mumbling. It's hard. "Which sounds like every bad breakup note ever, but it's about me. If I'd asked and you told me the truth, I didn't think I'd believe it. If you'd told a lie, I'd know about it and mistrust it from the start."
"You're right," he says, "that does sound like a bad break up note. Which is what you did. I thought there was more trust between us than that."
That hurts. The pain she feels is matched by the pain on his face. Maybe she should have been strong enough to give him a chance. Her throat tightens and she has to swallow several times before finding a way to keep speaking. "I've spent my life," she says quietly, "being second-best in the eyes of the ones I love the best."
"Sasuke."
Sakura nods. "He's the biggest one," she admits, lifting her head to stare him in the eye. "I decided that this time, rather than pining for years and holding on past reasonable hope, to break it off myself. I think..."
"You think what?" he asks, his voice soft and silky. For a brief moment she wishes she could revel in it but she's given that up and so she can't.
"This time," Sakura says, after steeling her nerve, "that I deserve someone who loves me first. Not second. Not as a replacement. Someone who I can trust to put me first when it comes to their heart. I've learned that I can't stay in a situation where I'm hurting myself. So I got out early this time."
Even now, she's not sure that was a mistake. She never wants to go through what she put herself through with Sasuke ever again. It feels like she's gutted herself and yet… now she feels like she's on solid ground.
"Rin's dead," he says vehemently. "She's been dead for-for years. I don't… understand. Do you think people can't... can't put people first twice in their lives? It was her, once upon a time." He stares at her intently. "It's you now."
Sakura looks away. "I believe you believe that," she says, letting her breath out in a sigh. "But I can't. That's a fault of mine, not yours. I didn't want to break up."
"Can't we work this out?" Kakashi says and she can tell he's frowning at her. "Or are you just going to run from me on a maybe?"
She flushes because that's true enough to be ugly. "I can't stand to be a replacement again," she whispers. "I'm scared that if we try, that's what will happen. Some of your friends think I am."
"They don't matter," he says, his voice a growl. "They've no right to be telling you things like this and sticking their noses in where they don't belong."
"I think they did," she replies softly. "Even though it hurts. They were trying to do the right thing."
"By hurting both of us?"
"Yes," she says, wishing her voice didn't shake quite so bad. "Because by letting me know… we can-we can end this before it gets to be too complicated and messy."
"This isn't messy enough for you?" his voice is incredulous.
"This way," she says, "we'll get time apart. Kakashi, I…I don't want this to be forever. But I think... I think that we need to think about this on our own. While being separate, just for a while. Please."
"It's your decision," he says, with something that sounds like desperation touching his voice. She tells herself to not be silly: she's clearly hearing what she wants to hear in his voice. "You left me."
Tears sting her eyes but she doesn't let them fall. "I know," she says. "It's not your fault. Not even the fact that you loved someone before me is your fault. It's just… "
"You can't trust me."
"Yeah," she replies. "And that's… that's all me. Nothing to do with you. I'm… I'm considering my feelings. I didn't want to say good-bye.
His hands are suddenly on her shoulders and she shivers. Sakura can't bring herself to pull away, even as she stares steadily at his chest and refuses to look up. "What are you considering?" he murmurs, right in her ear.
"That I love you," she says softly. It seems more intimate when she's a mere six inches, if that, from his chest. "That I was happy. That I want to be happy again and that this isn't going to work unless I can trust you."
"You can always trust me."
"No," she replies, shaking his hands off her shoulders. "I wish I could."
"I don't understand why you can't."
He's no longer touching her, but he's still far too close to her. She shivers again because of him. She wants him.
She tells herself that she can't have him and to just deal with that as a fact of her life. It's hard though. "I don't know how to explain it," she says. "Maybe your friends would get it."
He's silent for a moment that stretches unbearably. "Who told you about Rin?" he asks.
"Kurenai-sensei," she says, "she said 'at least I don't look like her' and Genma-san and Raidou-san talked about how you're into medics."
Kakashi's breath lets out sharply. "And that was enough for you to lose your trust in me?"
She swallows hard and tells the final bits that she hasn't wanted to tell him. "You said her name," Sakura says, "while I was in bed with you."
He freezes.
"I asked Ino to find out who she was," Sakura says. "I was worried you were cheating on me. She told me you weren't but I asked for everything she'd found out."
Sakura thinks of Ino and how Ino smiles and laughs with Temari even though Ino wishes nothing more than for Temari and Shikamaru to break up, and how Ino does nothing to help that along when it would be the easiest thing in the world to do, and Sakura wonders who is the most mature out of all of them.
Definitely not herself, Sakura thinks, a little ruefully. She's made a mess of this.
"Ino hates me," Kakashi says, "and you believed what she said."
"Rin was a medical ninja," Sakura says, keeping her voice steady. "She was on your team. She died due to chakra poisoning and you loved her. Is any of that a lie? That's what Ino told me."
He says nothing and she knows it wasn't.
"She glares at me," Kakashi's voice sounds off-kilter again and wrong. Sakura doesn't dare look up. She doesn't want to see hate in his face.
"Yes," Sakura agrees. "Because she's my friend, not yours, and so she's looking out for me the best way she knows how. Just like how your friends looked out for you the best way theyknew how. It's not personal that she glares at you: she would glare at anyone in your position connected to me."
It's true. Ino is vicious when it comes to protecting her friends. Some days Sakura desperately appreciates that and other days... well, she can work around it. When it comes to Ino, she always knows she's loved and that helps soothe her frustration with Ino's manner.
"It doesn't matter," she says, after the space of five heartbeats goes by and Kakashi says nothing. "She won't attack you if you don't attack her. I just don't want you starting anything with her."
"She'd keep you away from me," Kakashi says, "and I'm supposed to just let her?"
Sakura squeezes her eyes shut before opening them and forcing herself to look up. "For now?" They're so close that there's only a few inches between them. She doesn't know who moved closer. "Yes. I need time, Kakashi. And you… I think you do to. I-after all of this, I wouldn't blame you if I was too much of a hassle for you to want around."
He studies her and then presses a kiss to her forehead. "I'll talk to my friends," he says, "and try to understand where they came from on this. After that… I want to talk to you again.
Sakura can't pretend that she doesn't want to talk to him again. "Yes," she says. "Call me. Don't just-show up though, okay?"
"I'll remember," he says, and steps away from her.
She feels lonely, which is ridiculous. "Ino," she calls, raising her voice. "I want to go now."
Ino and Naruto land on the ground behind her. "Hey," Ino says, all light-hearted sounding. "We found the restaurant, Forehead. We took a wrong turn a ways back."
There's an edge under Ino's voice that Sakura needs to know about. What did you find? she asks.
I'll tell you later. In contrast to the bright voice Ino is speaking with, her mind's voice is abrupt and closed off.
Sakura doesn't like that. Not when her conversation with Kakashi has gone better than she's had any right to expect.
"Naruto," she says, because Kakashi has gone silent now that the others are back. "Thanks for looking after Ino. Would you look after Kakashi too?"
"Uh-sure, Sakura-chan," he sounds hesitant and she can't really blame him. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I'll be fine," she says, letting out a breath and thinking that maybe she even means it. "I've grown up, after all."
Naruto laughs uneasily and Ino and Kakashi make no noise at all. She glances up at Kakashi and is unsurprised, but dismayed, to see him staring over her at where Ino must be standing, with a glare that could melt rocks.
Sakura pokes him in the stomach. "Don't," she says, "please. I'll talk to you again."
He looks down at her. "I'll hold you to that," he tells her and then he's gone. Naruto disappears a second after.
Sakura sighs, her shoulders slumping.
Ino hugs her from behind. "You did good, Forehead," Ino murmurs.
"Let's go home," Sakura says quietly. "I don't want to go to the restaurant anymore."
What did you think of their conversation? Please let me know! :)
