Chapter 6: Acceptance

Reiner stares at the folded piece of paper in my hands like it's some sort of weapon. It might as well be. It has things written on it that will be unpleasant for him to know. I've kept it in my chest pocket this whole time and the creases are well set into the pages.

"What is that?" Reiner asks.

"It's a love letter for Historia written by Ymir. I promised her I would deliver it," I reply.

"When did you do all of this?"

"While you slept on the ship."

"Huh. Well, color me surprised. Didn't think you were able to do something like that."

"Ymir said the same thing."

"I guess anything can happen these days. But I don't see what that has to do with what we were talking about."

"It had everything to do with that, Reiner. You don't love Historia and I think you should stop."

"Stop what?"

"Lying to yourself. She doesn't love you back. The two of you have barely said anything to each other. She isn't going to marry you."

"Oof. I get it. Hitting me with some daggers, huh, Bertolt. Trying to light a fire under me or something?"

"No. I'm not trying to light any fires. I'm trying to stamp them out. It's not happening."

"Yeah, well, what if I-"

"No."

"But, what if we-"

"NO."

"Will you stop cutting me off like that?'

"No."

"You seem so sure that it won't work between me and Historia but I'm curious as to when you become such an expert on romance? Coming from the guy who loves a fucking statue I'm not too keen to hear what you have to say. How many times have the two of you said anything to each other? I can't recall a single moment in all of the time I've known the both of you. Not once. The Queen of Ice and the Nervous Beanstalk. Match made in heaven, right?"

I suppose he thinks that line should trigger a reaction in me. It doesn't, though. I wonder why it didn't. I should be furious. Shouldn't I?

We're still on the far edge of the wall around Shiganshina, facing back at Wall Rose. The last strokes of light are disappearing with the sun. We haven't been completely plunged into darkness yet. Looking back towards camp I can see the faint flicker of a small fire Zeke has got going. It's like an amber dot in the distance. I look back at Reiner.

"Are you going to say anything in your defense? You think just because Ymir wrote a letter that makes my attraction to Historia invalid? Or like Ymir has dibs or whatever? How the fuck does that work? What about you and Annie? Huh? You think you're the only one for her? More than a few times I've seen her catching glances at Armin and even Eren—which if you ask me is risky as hell when you've got Mikasa stalking around as she does. I bet Annie doesn't even think about you at all."

Reiner's words leave his mouth like literal daggers, throwing up flecks of spit, pounding his chest at times to assert his point. I just stand there and absorb it all. I don't mind. I can take it. He needs to vent. Only when it gets quiet again and the sounds that of the wind and a few distant birds are the only thing that can be heard do I say something.

I don't get the chance to reply before Reiner springs for the letter like he's intending to snatch it from my hand. I'm quick to snap my hand back behind me but Reiner lunges at me, in the same way he had done to Zeke during their fight. With one hand around my waist, he uses his other to reach for the letter which I've raised out his grasp, like Zeke's boulders.

"Reiner! What are you doing?! Stop! We're on the wall, we could fall!"

"Just let me read the letter and I'll let go."

"No! Let go!"

Reiner changes tactics, grabbing under my right leg and pulling up, his head shooting up into my armpit, hoping to knock me off balance and onto my back. I kick my left foot out to push against him, all the while keeping the letter up and away. I wriggle my caught arm out of Reiner's hold so that I can pass off the letter. With my other arm free, I wrap it around Reiner's neck as he presses upwards and catch him in a guillotine lock.

"What's happened to you?" he asks, his voice straining against the pressure I'm placing on him, "It's only been a few months and you've suddenly become the guardian of love or something."

"That's exactly right. Call me cupid, I guess."

Whatever she's written can't be all that special."

"Maybe not to you. But to her and Historia, it must mean the world."

Reiner leans forward and pushes up with his legs, doing a small jump which gets my left leg to buckle under his weight. We both go down to the ground. My head slams into the floor and I see little sparks in the corners of my eyes. The force of the fall knocks all of the wind out of me and allows Reiner a brief window to break loose from my guillotine hold. I'm all but powerless to stop Reiner from simply snatching the letter. He's standing over me, his legs on either side of my hips, waving the letter.

"You think a letter is any proof of love. Lovesick idiots write them all the time but that doesn't mean it's genuine love."

"That what Ymir called herself. An idiot for choosing us over the girl of her dreams."

I nudge myself slightly forward and spreadeagle my legs, knocking Reiner off balance. I make a play for the letter myself but he's quick to catch himself and hold me back, pressing his hand into my face like an older sibling playing keep-away, knowing that they're stronger.

"Fine," I say, letting myself go slack, giving up the fight, "Go ahead. Read it for all I care."

I'm very tired. Even if I wanted to press on, I don't think I could have put up a solid fight. I tumble backward into a seated position and look up as Reiner holds the letter. It looks like he's contemplating it. He smells it, scratches the paper with his fingernails, rubs his fingers along the creases like he's trying to iron it out. He hasn't completely opened it yet. What's he waiting for? He lets out a deep sigh.

"You're probably right, Bertolt," he says.

"What was that?" I reply.

"Try as I might, I can't bring myself to read the letter. There's a part of me that's holding back."

"It's the part that knows this is wrong."

"Yeah, I guess. As sad as I am to admit it, Bertolt, Historia was just being nice, wasn't she? I see that now. She's a sweet girl who was kind and caring towards everybody, myself included. I barely know anything about her. I was just caught up in a silly fantasy."

"But now you're back in reality. With me."

"Yeah. I am. And I want to help you get this letter to Historia. One way or another."

Reiner helps me to my feet and hands the letter back. I look into his eyes and see a familiar man. I see the proud and stubborn kid I've spent years training with, the confused, kind-hearted guy he grew up to be, the one who has been by my side this whole time. He's come back to me after being lost for so long. There's another moment between us where our faces are so close together. I wonder if we'll kiss again. A part of me hopes that we will.

"You might want to put that in a case or something, that paper will wear out if you let it stay in your sweaty pocket for too long," Reiner says, awkwardly pulling away.

"Oh, yeah. Right," I reply, snapping back to the real world.

"I've got a silver case back at camp you can use."

"Cool. Thanks, Reiner."

"No problem."

"We should probably head back to camp. Zeke wanted to talk with us."

"What about?"

"Something Pieck told him the last time she was around. She saw the scouts assembling horse lifts atop Trost like they were planning for another expedition."

"So, they'll be coming here soon, then?

"Yeah. They will."

"Zeke was right after all."

"Yeah."

Reiner places a hand behind his neck and stretches back and then to the side. I put the letter back in my pocket for the time being.

"You're probably right, too," I say. Reiner turns and gives me a face like he wasn't expecting me to say anything else.

"About what?" he asks.

"About Annie. I'm not entitled to her love any more than you are to Historia's. She probably doesn't think about me at all."

"Hey, now, Bertolt. I'm sorry I said all that stuff before. I was just angry and—"

"But you know what? I think that's ok. I'm comfortable with not knowing. When we find her again, I'll finally be able to ask her and get my answer. By that point, I think I'll be able to accept it, even if it's not the answer I want to hear. I think I'll be able to move on without thinking that I missed out on the chance to be in love."

"Huh. Wow. That's a beautiful way to put it, buddy."

"It's the truth."

"I hope both you and I have the chance before our terms are over."

"I hope so, too."

I look over at Reiner who has turned his head away from me. He's become so serious all of sudden, the side of his face slowly becoming consumed by the dark of night.