Chapter 7: Bertolt in the Barrel

It's always a barrel. It's always a fucking barrel. Eh, well, not always. Sometimes it's a crate or a burlap sack or something. But when the idea to use the Colossal's power comes into the strategy like this, the image of me being thrown while squatting in a barrel is what shoots into my mind first.

The plan is all Zeke's. No surprise there. I will say this, though. Even in a pinch, he has a sound military mind. Plugging the hole leading out of Shiganshina and back to Trost was a solid plan, followed by a second line of abnormal titans to block off their escape was another nice touch, should the Scouts attempt some kind of retreat. Those that don't die in the city limits will surely be picked off and eaten and those that manage to make it back alive won't be able to resist us for long. And I'm intended to be the last resort. The trump card for when things aren't going as smoothly as we would like. Hopefully, it won't come to that but it never hurts to have me at the ready.

You'd think by now, our enemies would expect this maneuver. We've done it enough times to other nations we were at war with. They could have developed some sort of counter-strategy. Maybe they could have shot me out of the sky somehow with a cannon or large rifle. Of course, that can also have its problems. I'm a swiftly moving target. The shooter would have to be an expert marksman to land the perfect shot. They might miss, get me in a part of my body that wouldn't kill me and then I would just transform and that would be the end of it.

But so far no one has prepared any countermeasures for me and I don't think the Scouts have anything like that to deal with me. I still remember the last time. They thought they could use their ODM gear to grapple along my body and easily slice into my neck like I was some mindless pure titan. Surely, they'll have learned something from that encounter, maybe developed some new weapon or form of attack. But that might be asking too much of them in such a short time. Even if they did, I won't know what they've changed until I'm right in the thick of it. But by then it won't really matter, I guess. All the same, I'll have them blown to smithereens.

"Heh. Blow," I say to myself, out loud. Suddenly I'm thinking of Reiner. Not sure why, though.

Have I lost it that quickly in here? I normally don' start talking to myself until a few hours in. I guess my mind is wandering towards Reiner. I hope he's ok. If it wasn't for me and Ymir bailing him out, he might not have gotten this far. Heh, I sat that like I wasn't there nearly dying, myself. I wonder if Ymir is still alive across the sea. Probably not. The thought of her chained to the columns like that makes me sad.

I had a small oblong hole in my barrel from which I could see the first lightning strike. It was Reiner I thought. Or possibly Eren. It was probably Eren because Zeke didn't transform yet and Reiner was supposed to give us a signal. A second strike didn't come for a few hours and that was the cue it seemed. Zeke transformed and triggered the transformations of the abnormals. Pieck had done what she did best and conveniently rolled a nice pile of boulders for Zeke within arm's reach. It was a bit rocky sitting atop Pieck in the barrel as she collected the ammunition for Zeke but there wasn't much I could do. I had tried to place pillows in my confined spaces in the past but all they do is limit the room I have and end up making the overall experience far less comfortable. I've stayed in these confined spaces before. I've spent dozens of hours with my knees pressed against my chest as I sweat my balls off waiting for my moment to strike. The fact that I'm wearing clunky ODM gear makes the overall experience even more unbearable. As if I didn't already have a small amount of space.

For a brief moment, I saw Reiner atop the wall and I was glad that he was alright. He was there only for a short time, though. There was a third strike and Reiner disappeared down the other side of the wall. There wasn't much else to see after that. There were only a few far-off screams and a series of explosions that sounded like distant thunder.

Through my peephole I catch Zeke scratching his ear in his titan form, looking quite pleased.

"Zeke! Zeeeeke!" I shout, trying to get his attention.

"Huh?"

"What's happening?" I ask.

"Keep quiet, Bertolt," Pieck says in as quiet a voice she can muster, "We don't want them to know where you are."

"They already know I'm here. What's the point of keeping it a secret?"

"True but they don't know your location and that'll be our advantage. Please. Stay down and stay quiet."

"Ugh. Fine."

I slouch back against the inside of the barrel and try to steady my breathing. It's starting to get hot in here too. Fanning myself doesn't do anything either. It just blows the warm air around, back into my face. I wipe sweat with the sleeve and try to imagine what's happening in Shiganshina. Is Reiner going against Eren? I pray to whatever gods might be listening to he's safe. He hasn't given a signal yet so I try to stay optimistic and believe that it's because he's holding his own. Reiner's no slouch. He'll fight and fight to the bitter end. If he's going down, he'll take as many sorry bastards with him as he humanely possibly can. But he won't do it for the sake of himself either. Not for personal glory but for the sake of his friends and the whole world. That's what we were told to believe anyway, what we were told we were fighting for. I don't believe in that anymore, though.

This cruel world isn't worth saving, or, at least, the people who made it that way aren't worth saving. The only person I'd want to save this world for is Reiner and me. Of course I'd still want to save Annie. But I wouldn't do it out of love. I'd do it because she's my friend. My comrade. I'm sorry Annie but I don't think I love you. I don't even think I need to apologize though. I thought it was love once but I don't think that's the case anymore. You're beautiful. There's no denying that. One of the most beautiful women I've ever known. And I'm sure there's a loving heart under that glacial exterior. You fight for your own solitary reasons and so I will fight for your happiness.

And then there's Reiner. The kiss. He kissed me. What would possess him to do something like that? Was there something in him that he felt towards me? I don't know. But I don't know if I can call that love. He wasn't exactly lucid when he did that. But he knows me better than anyone and vice versa. I know the things that excite and terrify him. I know how to make him laugh and smile. I've never had a single conversation with Annie. While I thought that might be fine for us to spend our remaining years sitting in silence together, why would I waste that time with someone who doesn't love me in return? Even if I did save her, it wouldn't change a thing. She wouldn't magically fall in love and come running into my arms. I feel so confused. I'm wracking my brain for answers where none can logically be found. Have I really loved Reiner this whole time? Has he secretly harbored a crush on me throughout our time together? It's possible. And I was so fixated on Annie I barley noticed him in the periphery. I don't want to oblivious anymore. When I see him again I'll ask him how he feels. I just hope I won't be too scared to tell him how I feel, myself.

The Armored's scream pierces the air and brings me back to reality. That's the signal! Reiner! They must have overwhelmed him or cornered him. It's alright though, Reiner. You held out as long as you could. Now it's my turn. Pieck sidles up beside Zeke so that he can pluck my barrel from her back.

"Ready, Bertolt?" He asks.

"Do it!" I shout.

"With pleasure."

He whips his gangly arm around and heaves, letting out a slight grunt. The force of his throw sends me slamming into the other side of the barrel. Luckily, I catch myself with my hands, avoiding getting knocked out. That would be bad. I get some serious altitude as I ascend over the wall into the limits of Shiganshina. I'm flying quickly and everything is slipping past me so quickly I can barely see where Reiner is. Once I get a lock on his location I'll transform. All of the Scouts should be clustered around him, hoping to land a killing blow.

I finally pinpoint Reiner. He's on a street off to the side of the main avenue. He's on his knees with his head hunched forward. Smoke is billowing from every crevice of his body. My hand is at the ready, perched in between my teeth. As I descend in my trajectory, I see a few clustered specks flying away from Reiner. The Scouts around Reiner must have picked up on our plan and are making a hasty retreat. All in vain though, they're not far enough to escape the blast radius. Flee or not, none of them are going to survive.

The plated armor covering the Armored's body should more than protect Reiner from the Colossal's blast. If Eren's mastered hardening then he should be able to withstand the explosion as well. If he hasn't mastered it though, he should still survive inside his titan for us to cut him out and prepare him for transport. Everybody else is shit out of luck, I'm afraid. I'm sorry guys, I say to myself. My dear comrades, once and always, I hate that it had to end this way but that's just how it is. The lines have been drawn and we're standing on opposite sides. You would all have done the same thing in my position.

I press into my hand but before I can draw blood, I spot Reiner jutting out from the Armored's nape. Shit. If he's out of his Titan, he'll be killed in the blast. I won't get another chance to catch everyone, though. Zeke would tell me to transform. Reiner should have been able to handle himself, Zeke would say. I can easily picture him saying it in my head, his death was on him and all that shit blah blah blah. I'm sorry, Zeke. But this is out of your hands now. Stick to throwing rocks at people. It's what you do best. I going to end things my way.

I punch upwards. The barrel lid goes flying off to wherever. I straighten out my legs and let myself float out of the barrel body and into the explosive air.

"Reineeeeerrrrrrrr!" I shout.

I feel so stiff. My knees ache as I drop into Shiganshina, briefly in free-fall before I'm close enough to grapple onto the side of a steeple. All of the scouts have high-tailed in the opposite direction, leaving Reiner out of harm's way for now.

"Reiner?" I ask, landing on the curve of his right shoulder.

He's in terrible shape. The top of his head was blown clean off, leaving nothing but his lower jaw. His left ear is gone but he's still got his right.

"Oh no. Please be alive, Reiner. Somehow, please still be alive. I press a hand to his chest. I feel nothing for a moment and my own heart starts racing. Tears start to well in the corners of my eyes.

"Reiner, no. Please don't die. Don't leave me alone. I need you here. I don't want to be alone. I can't be alone. I'm not strong enough without you here."

I don't know if my pleading had any effect but I felt something like a heartbeat. A second one gave me a glimmer of hope. He was still alive somehow.

"I see. Did you transfer your consciousness into the Armored's nervous system as a last resort? I suppose you had no other choice. What did they do to you to cause these kinds of injuries, though? It doesn't matter, I guess. I know what I have to do."

I place my hand on Reiner's hand and kneel next to him. I lean in close.

"I need you to move a bit, Reiner. If you can, make it so you're lying on your back. Protect yourself by facing the nape into the ground. When the Scouts see that I didn't transform they're going to come after you again. Please, if you can hear me, move. I don't know what else I can do if you're like this when they come around. I'm putting an end to this war and I want you to survive, Reiner. More than anything else. If you have a single thing left to live for at this moment, let it be us. I have these feelings that I can't quite explain. It could be love or I could be mistaken. But I don't think so. This feels different. It feels proper. And I don't know if you feel the same way but I hope we'll get a chance to talk about it later. But I'd probably die if I didn't tell you the truth right away. I think I love you, Reiner. It was you the whole time. I just didn't know it. From the bottom of my heart, survive for us. Survive for me, please."