Chapter 8: This Strange Feeling
I don't want to leave Reiner like this. He'll be at the mercy of the Scouts if he doesn't move. I pull his hand from out of his titan and hold it in my own.
"Reiner, please, did you hear me at all? Give me some sign that you did."
He squeezes my hand. It's weak but it's something.
"Reiner? Do that again if it means you can hear me."
He squeezes my hand again. He heard me. There's still a part of him in there. I just hope that he can move in time. As for me, I have to move forward. I've got the Scouts on the ropes for the moment and I need to press this advantage.
I follow the line of retreating Scouts until I spot Eren in his Titan form and some of the others. They've all noticed me and a few of them aim to take me on. Just fucking try it, I dare them. I'm a literal tower of walking dynamite.
"Stop, Bertolt!"
A voice calls out from just ahead of me. It's Armin. He's pushed to the front of the line of advancing Scouts and has anchored himself against the side of a slender building, cupping his hands around his mouth to amplify his voice. I stop on a building not too far off. I'm within earshot.
"Just wait a minute! We don't have to fight! We can talk this over."
Is he serious? After everything we've put him and the others through, he still thinks he can talk us down? Or maybe this is his idea of a diversion. It's always a diversion. I'm sick and tired of tricks.
"It's a noble thought, Armin!" I shout across the way, "But I'm afraid we're far past the point of talking this out! No number of nice words are going to save any of you from your imminent deaths. Your fates have already been decided!"
"What? And who made that decision?"
"It was me, Armin! I've made myself judge, jury, and executioner! We only want two simple things! Eren Yaeger and the death of everyone inside the walls! I'm sorry but that's the reality of our situation!"
Armin is quiet for the moment, perhaps weighing his options or looking as though he's weighing his options. He's clever. I know the truth, though. He must think I'm stupid. I know he's just stalling for time. I guarantee that he's going to say something about Annie to throw me off. Something along the lines of her torture by the MPs. I wonder what I'll feel if he brings it up a second time.
"That's a real shame Bertolt! You see, I was hoping I'd finally get to stop hearing Annie scream!"
And there it is. I feel nothing aside from a familiar twitch of worry for her. But it's not like it was before. I'm not driven but love or lust or whatever my feelings for Annie truly were. My feelings towards her have effectively migrated to a different corner of my mind. The concern I feel now is akin to what I would feel for a friend.
Armin is still talking. I wish he would stop. I wish everybody would just stop talking.
"There's only one person who can save Annie from the savages in the Military Police! And that's you! If you don't, she'll be fed to the pigs!"
"Yeah right. And do these pigs fly by any chance as well?! It probably doesn't matter though. Let them feed Annie to the pigs for all I care! If they actually have her that is!"
I detach from the side of the building and grapple around, looping towards Armin,
landing on the lower section of the roof from where he was clinging to. He stops dead in his tracks, hoping to fall back towards the line where Eren and the others are. He holds his blade up towards me, clutching it with two hands. He looks scared out of his fucking mind.
"What's the rush, Armin? I thought you wanted to talk? Bet you thought you could catch me off guard by bringing up Annie again huh? Didn't anyone ever tell you that lightning never strikes the same spot twice?"
"Do you honestly not care what will happen to her? Are you that far gone to leave your comrade behind in the hands of the enemy?"
"Of course, I fucking care. I'm not heartless. Annie is my friend. And as such, I'll do whatever it takes to rescue her. But I'm not going to let my emotions compromise what I'm doing here."
"Friend? No. Wait. But you love her, right? You nearly slit my throat the last time I brought her up."
"I guess I did, didn't I. Pretty hot-headed of me. It's not like that anymore, though. I only thought I loved her. I only liked her because she was pretty. Because I couldn't breathe when I was around her.
But I was mistaken. Those are hardly solid reasons to love someone. But she never loved me back or wanted me. And that's ok. She had her own things that she fought for."
"I see. So, then what's keeping you going, Bertolt? What is your reason for fighting today?"
"You already know who he is. The whole time that we've been talking your fellow scouts have been aiming to surround and kill him. That's why we're talking now, isn't it? So you can buy them time?"
"Wait. You mean Reiner?"
"That's right. Reiner is the one I truly love. Honestly, I feel like a fool for not realizing it sooner but now that I have, for the first time, I see everything clearly. I've finally been able to put words to the feelings I've felt this entire time. I feel safe around him. I breathe easy. Heh. I must sound like a kid talking about his childhood crush. And it's not like we're in the middle of a fucking warzone or anything."
Armin lets out a slight laugh that sounds a bit like a cough but he's smiling.
"Heh, and here I was thinking you wanted us dead because we were spawn of the devil?
"No. I never thought of you as devils. You didn't ask for that title. Where Reiner and I come from they see us the same way. You think freedom lies beyond that ocean you dream about. But all you'll find are more enemies who not nothing but your death."
Armin looks down at his feet with a defeated look. He lowers his blade somewhat and instinctively I want to approach him. I was a bit harsh there, wasn't I? I was honest but the truth can sting. I feel a part of my soul aching to hug him or do something. It's difficult to play this role. I take a single step towards him and he looks at me with this face that makes me melt a little bit. Like maybe we could just talk it out and work past our previous mistakes before uniting as one and taking on the real enemies. But as soon as this moment comes, it disappears into the wild yonder. Armin's back at attention, blade pointed at my chest. That's the truth of it right there. We'll never be able to close the distance between us ever again. It's as vast as the ocean.
"Armin, please believe me when I say that I still think of you as my dearest comrades. I will always have precious memories of each and every one of you that I carry with me in my heart."
"Seems a bit difficult to believe when you just said you wanted all of us to die."
"Both statements are the truth. But just because you were my comrades, doesn't mean I'll have any reservations about killing you."
"Then if you already know all of this, and you already know I was trying to buy time, why are we here talking at all?"
"I guess I wanted to see what would happen. What I would do. There was a part of me that wanted all of you to find and kill me to put me out of my misery. To exact the proper vengeance for what I did to you all that time ago. I wondered if I would be that way now. If I would welcome that death with open arms. But I don't want to die anymore. I'd much prefer to survive this and live all of the years I have left with Reiner by my side. Nothing else matters beyond that drive to make it out of here. And, yes, if I have to kill every last one of you to achieve that goal then that's just how it is."
"You seem dead set on it then."
"I am."
I hear Mikasa before I see her. It kind of kills the element of surprise when you shout "DIE" as you're about to slice someone's head off but I could smell her a mile away. That damn scarf she wears hasn't been washed in ages and it reeks of sweat. It gave her away almost instantly. I twist backward and catch her blade before she can land a solid slice. She's looking into me with those demonic black eyes, filled with nothing but hatred for me. Whereas before I was terrified beyond rational thought, now I remain cool and focused. She and I aren't so different at this moment. She's driven to protect Eren in the same way I am now for Reiner. If killing me means that Eren will be safe then that's what she's going to do. But she'll have to try a lot harder to frighten me this time.
She's strong as hell and my arm is trembling from the knock-back of her blade. With her other blade, she slices at my head and I duck to the side just far enough so that she only gets my ear, cutting it clean off. I know it will grow back but Holy Fuck! It still fucking hurts. She's a dead girl. She and Armin are both dead. I could transform right here if I wanted to and that would be the end of it but instead, I roundhouse kick her shoulder and she is sent careening down the side of the building, throwing up terra-cotta shingles as she goes down.
"Mikasa!" Armin shouts.
I charge towards Armin but he is paralyzed. He lets out a whimper and grits his teeth, attempting to put up some feeble resistance. Instinctively I look behind me and see Mikasa hurl her blade, releasing it from its hilt. It whips in the wind, like a silver bird tracing the air with its wings. I knock it away with my blade and sparks fly. I look back at Armin who is too scared to move before turning back to Mikasa, the real danger. She attempts one final attack, using some of the gas from her ODM to propel herself at me, quickly closing ground, hoping one singular uppercut slice will end me. Valiant effort but she just misses as I leap from the building and grapple away. From over my shoulder, I see Armin attempt to give chase before Mikasa holds him back. They know not to chase me.
I'm running low on gas but that's alright. I'm aware of what I have to do now. And if I succeed, I won't need this ODM gear much longer.
It took years of agonizing mental training to be able to control the Colossal's explosive power but I see no reason to put limiters on it now. I'll get high above everything, like really high, and that's when I'll transform. Most of the scouts within Shinagshina's limits will die and the few stragglers that remain won't be able to mount a comeback. I honestly hope Armin and the others get caught in the blast. As determined as I am, I don't want them to suffer.
In my colossal form, once I've collected Eren, I'll make my way towards the edge of the wall and help Zeke with the cluster of soldiers cut off outside the gates by his boulder heaves. That's a solid plan, I think. Simple in its execution but deadly effective.
It's strange, though. I feel unnaturally calm at this moment. I place a hand on my chest and my heartbeat is slow. It never shot up once. Not through my entire conversation with Armin and not during or after Mikasa attacked me. In the past, it would have been racing. I would be sweating uncontrollably and I'd be on the verge of tears. But for once, I'm not scared at all. Everything around me seems different. Clearer than ever before, clearer because I know what is driving me forward.
We never asked for any of this. We tried to make do with what we were given by this miserable life. All of us took gambles that things like love and joy existed and were possible for us to attain. Everyone here has taken gambles on something. I can't speak for their returns but so far, my own gamble has paid me back in spades and I am grateful for this ounce of clarity amidst the madness. I just hope my luck doesn't run out right before the finish line.
I'm back around where I left Reiner. A cluster of scouts have surrounded him on the adjacent rooftops and as I launch myself higher, I see that he's managed to fall onto his back, probably using whatever scraps of strength he had left in him. The scouts are standing there because they are unsure of what their next move should be. I let out a sigh of relief, knowing that Reiner is safe for now.
I anchor myself onto two twin belltowers and hurl myself high above. For a while, it feels like I'm floating, like I've liberated myself from gravity and abandoned all of my struggles far below. But I know it's only temporary. I can't stay up here forever. Eventually, the gravity of this cruel world will reclaim me and drag me back down into its maw.
I feel the surge of power boiling. The electricity courses through my veins like a swarm of bees. Hang on Reiner, I say softly to myself. Hold out for me just a little longer. I just have one more thing that I have to do.
