Chapter 9: The Easy Part

The last thing I remember before blacking out is the determination in Eren's eyes. The conviction with which he tore me from my titan was like nothing I had ever seen. How had he managed to get the drop on me? More tricks, probably. It got the job done though, didn't it. He stopped me and I've burned so much energy in my titan form that I'm exhausted and can't mount a counterattack. I'm in the hands of the enemy and all I can do is pass out.

In this deep sleep, I have a new dream. I'm lying armless and legless in a large dimly lit room. I'm splayed out on the floor. The only light is coming from the fireplace. It's a weak fire, though so the light doesn't stretch that far. The corners of the room are completely engulfed in darkness. Shadows shift across the walls. There's no furniture aside from a small circular table where a group of animal-headed people argues in gruff voices over which parts of my body they get to eat. They all have the heads of predators: there's a bear, a wolf, a tiger, a falcon. They argue passionately, slamming their fists on the table when they think they've already laid claim to certain parts. Compromises are made. They start tearing at the flesh on my arms and legs, which they've placed in the center of the table. They are still hungry though and they get up from the table. The dream ends as they surround me and dig their teeth into my sides.

When I regain consciousness, I'm on a rooftop somewhere in Shiganshina. I'm still without my arms or legs. Steam billows from my stumps. My body has received a light dusting of gray-colored flakes and I disturb the gentle mounts on my torso as I writhe and shrug. All around me, it smells like burning wood. The flakes must be ash coming from the burning debris I had tossed around while transformed. It kind of looks like snow.

I don't see anybody all around me. I don't see Eren or Armin. Not a soul. Where's Reiner? Was he killed? Did he get away? I don't know. It's quiet again, aside from the sound of someone dragging something heavy across the rooftop.

"Oh, good grief, you've woken up. That's the last thing I wanted happening."

I turn and see Captain Levi dragging a chunk of charred debris behind him. He looks at me like he's about to scold a disobedient child.

"Captain Levi," is all I can say.

"You're not going to start screaming and begging for mercy, are you? 'Cause I can just cold clock you right now and you'll be back in dreamland."

"No. Please don't do that. I won't scream. Not for now, anyway. I can't speak for what might come later."

The captain's straight face cracks into a small side smile. And I mean small: blink and you'd miss it 'small', a trick of the light 'small'. He chuckles though I might be mistaken. Laughing can sometimes sound like coughing. I must want to see Captain Levi smile or laugh once before I die or some shit like that. I'm doing everything I can to convince myself it's happening right before my eyes.

"You know I liked you, Hoover. You were my kind of soldier. You kept to yourself and you didn't talk much. And when you did say something, you weren't insufferable, like some people I know. And you're actually kind of funny in a dry gallows humor sort of way."

"Coming from you captain that's very high praise."

"But then you had to go and ruin it by being what you are. An enemy to humanity within the walls. A lot of good people died today because of you, Reiner, and that giant hairball. But not just today. Everything that leads up to today is because of you. All the death that followed after is on you."

"You don't have to remind me, Captain. I was there."

"Tch. Sounding pretty snarky right now for someone whose comrades left him for dead."

"I don't think it matters how I act, Captain. But I don't think it's fair to put all of this on me. I did what I did, just like you did what you did and just like everybody else did what they did. You would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed so I'm not going to accept any moralizing from you or anybody. I just happened to be on the other side of this conflict and I lost. There's nothing I can do about it. And though it's probably no consolation, I am sorry that your comrades had to die, Captain. It won't change anything but I am sorry."

"You're right. A 'sorry' doesn't bring anybody back. So, you can keep your apologies to yourself."

Levi drops the hunk of debris and sits next to it, looking out at the destruction I'd wrought. He looks like he needs a drink, or maybe a cigarette. I'd offer him one if I had arms and if I were a smoker. But Levi just stares ahead, cigarette-less.

"Can I ask you something, Captain?"

He turns to look at me. His scolding face is gone.

"Yeah, what?"

"What happened to Reiner? Do you know?"

Though I didn't say this part out loud, I was screaming on the inside towards the heavens. Please, I shouted. If anybody should survive, please let it be Reiner. Please let one of us make it out of here.

"Hange said she had Reiner cornered. She had her blade at his throat and was fully committed to slitting his goddamn throat. But she relented and this gave an opening for that quadruped titan to swoop in scoop up Reiner in its mouth. Seems like your buddy who controlled the Beast Titan chose Reiner over you."

Reiner is safe? Thank the gods that heard me for that. I could kiss Pieck if I had the chance. While I was begging for Reiner's life, I should have begged that I might also be able to escape but I guess I was trying to be realistic. I'm at the end of the line. I'm finished.

"So, what happens now?" I ask, "Are you going to imprison me? Torture me? Kill me? Some combination of all three?"

"Not necessarily. You're one-third right."

Captain Levi produces a small black velvet case from his jacket pocket. It looks like something you'd see on display in a jewelry store. He opens it and inside is a syringe with a familiar vial.

"Is that spinal fluid?" I ask.

"So, you're familiar with this stuff? Then you know that it has the power to turn ordinary people into titans?"

"I do know. I used the same stuff when I inherited my titan from the previous shifter."

"How about that. What goes around, comes around. Cause I'm going to be feeding you to a titan in just a moment? You're going to be chewed up into tiny little pieces and your power is going to belong to one of us."

"Alright."

"Alright? That's all you have to say?"

"What else can I say? It would take a while for my arms and legs to fully grow back and even if I was still alive by then, I've been stripped of my ODM gear. Escape isn't likely. And if it didn't happen today, it would have happened tomorrow or several years from now once my successor was chosen."

"That's a nice way of putting it. Frankly, it's a welcome change of pace. On one hand, I hate the sound of people screaming and begging for their lives. I find it pathetic. On the other, I would be lying if I didn't take a small amount of satisfaction in the thought of hearing you scream. It'd be the smallest consolation prize in all of this."

"Only time will tell, captain. Who is going to be the one to eat me?"

"You're looking at him," Levi says. At first, I think he's referring to himself, an idea that didn't sit too terribly with me. But then he looks down towards the burnt piece of debris he had been dragging.

"Are you messing with me?"

"I never mess around with anybody. Armin's getting the injection."

"Wait. So, that's Armin?"

The chunk of what I thought was burnt wood or some other debris, was Armin. He had landed here after I thought I burnt him to a crisp? He was still alive after all of that? After being burnt alive and after plummeting tens of meters onto an unforgivingly hard rooftop?

"There was a bit of debate over who should get the injection. I believed that Erwin should have gotten it. He's wounded and currently knocking on death's door. But Eren and Mikasa disagreed. They believed Armin should have gotten it. It was my decision at the end of the day, though. Some blows were taken, some faces were broken, some harsh words were exchanged between camps but ultimately, it was decided by me that Erwin was going to get the shot."

"Then why are you giving it to Armin now?"

"I changed my mind. Please don't ask me to explain."

"I'm sorry. I won't."

Levi sets about dragging Armin to the edge of the rooftop. I look away and stare up at the sky, watching the smoke plumes rise higher and higher until vanishing, bleeding into the shapes of the clouds, becoming them.

Suddenly I remember something very important. A promise to a friend that I had nearly let slip from my mind but which remained close to my heart.

"WAIT! CAPTAIN!" I shout.

"Ugh! What is it now? How come you're so talkative all of a sudden?"

"Please! Before you do anything. I have another small favor to ask! Please! I beg you!"

"Good grief. Alright. Fine. You get one more nicety out of me. Congratulations! That's more niceties than I've ever given any of my enemies. What is it?"

"Please! In my shirt pocket. There's a small tin case. It contains a letter for Historia. Written by Ymir. It's in a small tin case that Reiner gave me. Please, take it and give it to Historia. I made a promise to Ymir that whatever happened, I'd make sure the letter got to her. Take it. Please. That's all I ask."

"In your shirt pocket, huh?"

Levi undoes the button on my chest pocket and produces the container. It's been dented somewhat but I'm sure the letter survived.

"Alright. I'll make sure it gets to her after we've investigated it ourselves. We can't allow any harm to come to our Queen."

"Queen?"

"Yep. She's our Queen now. Imagine that, a bastard with royal blood living amongst the Scouts for years. Sounds like something out of a storybook. But I'll hold onto her letter for you until we deem it uncompromising."

"Thank you, Captain."

"Sure."

Levi returns to his important work. He holds up one of Armin's arms and searches for a vein. So, this is how it ends. It's peculiar. Despite it all, I'm still remarkably calm. I might as well be back in Marley watching the clouds roll past me. I turn to my right and imagine Reiner there with me. We could lie here together not saying a word. We would become like the air that flows all around and inside of us, giving each other life. It's only when I start thinking about Reiner that tears start welling in my eyes. Because I'm lying flat, they collect in the shallows pools of my eyes before flowing down the sides of my head, brushing against the backs of my ears.

"Captain?" I ask.

He exhales loudly from his nose. I feel bad for annoying him but I'm going to be dead soon so I'm feeling a little bit entitled.

"Ugh. You're starting to become a real pain. What is it now?"

"Have you ever been in love?"

"What? Are you serious? Why are you asking me that?"

"I don't know."

"You've lost it, haven't you? I think it's time to turn your lights off."

"Think of it this way. I'm a dead man, Captain. I'll be gone after this, chewed up and digested. Nothing will be left of me. I'm the perfect person to confide in. What better guarantee that anything you say will never leave this rooftop? It'll all die with me."

I don't know where this sudden urge to talk has come from. I must be compensating for the years of silence that preceded this moment. The closer my time of death grows, the more I think of Ymir and her last words to me.

The captain looks down at me. It isn't in a demeaning way though. It is under our physical predicament. I am unable to stand on my own and he is standing over me. A different Captain Levi is present with me right now, perhaps the one that he has hidden away for fear of being vulnerable around people he could lose tomorrow.

"If you must know, Hoover. Yes, I have been in love before. It feels like such a long time ago now. I won't tell you who it was, though. That's between me and them."

"Are they still alive?"

Levi remains silent. I don't know how to interpret this silence though. It's unique, exclusive only to him.

"You know what they call me, Hoover? Humanity's Strongest Soldier. Why? Because I'm good at killing things. But strength comes in many forms. Physical strength is only a single dimension. I believe the strongest people out there aren't the ones who kill and destroy. It's the ones who have the strength to believe that there is good in this world and that love and happiness are still possible despite being surrounded by tragedy."

"Do you still believe in those things?"

"I do."

We're both quiet again.

"Do you have someone that you love, Hoover?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I guess I'm sorry that I'm taking you from them. Now it's my turn to apologize."

"Don't be. We wouldn't have had much time together anyway."

"It still would have been meaningful, though. I believe that it's always better to have loved, however long or however brief than to have never loved at all."

I never thought my last moments would be spent having a heart-to-heart with Captain Levi, but here I am. I'm grateful to have seen this side of him. It's comforting. He is Humanity's Strongest Soldier, in more ways than one.

The time for talking is done now. Levi finally sticks Armin with the serum and tosses the needle.

"That's it, then. I have to fall back to a safe distance. Farewell, Bertolt."

"Farewell, Captain."

It doesn't take long for Armin to transform. He's wounded as it is. Trying to create a cut would be overkill. I wonder what he feels in that moment as the electricity surges through him like it does for me. Does his blood boil or does it sing like a symphony? It seems like a silly thing to wonder. I don't think it has ever felt like a symphony for me. Steam billows from his titan form as he crests the side of the house, throwing up wood and roof tiles. He looks like a giant emaciated child with a yellow bowl cut.

He reaches out for me and suddenly my veneer of calmness has broken. That primal instinct to survive and to push back against an outside force snaps into action and I'm screaming now. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. There's no escape for me but I still struggle fruitlessly against it all, flailing my armless and legless stumps. The shame of it. The stupidity. A small part of me still thinks I'm going to make it out alive. He's crushing me in his hand. I can barely take in a breath. Everything seems to be moving slower now. Life thinks now to prolong my suffering. I catch a glimpse of Eren, Mikasa, Connie, Jean on a nearby rooftop. Connie's holding Sasha on his back. She looks as though she's been knocked out cold.

"Guys! Please! Help me!" I shout.

It isn't me shouting though. It's that minuscule part of me that stubbornly wants to live. The part of me that stays silent knows that they aren't going to help me. Their eyes look sad, though. They don't want this but, at the same time, I must die so that they can get Armin back. At least some good will come at the end of all of this. Good for them, anyway. I'm getting the short end of the stick in this deal.

Titan Armin shoves me in his mouth. The side of my face is pressed his teeth now. I feel the pressure against both sides of my skull. It's unbearable. It feels like my eyeballs are going to pop out of their sockets. Oh god. I can feel something cracking. My skull?

It's agony but it isn't the pain that makes it that way. It's exactly like you said, Ymir. All this time you knew the truth. The worst part about all of this won't be the physical death. It will be dying before you've had the chance to say what you want to say before you know the whole truth. I'm going to die without knowing how Reiner truly felt about me and I'm not content with that. This will not be a peaceful death at all.

Armin. My last act before you crush me between your teeth is to offer my consent. The only way memories can be passed on between Warriors is by a willing acceptance of my fate. I accept this fate like I might have for my successor back in Marley. I consent to this devouring and, from one Colossal to the next, I leave my memories entirely open to you.

And that's it. That's a wrap. I have nothing else to do and nothing else to give.

Was this how it ended up for you Ymir? Did you die alone as well, surrounded by strangers with no one to hold out a caring hand for you? That's so cruel. It isn't fair. It's just not fair.

"Annie! Reiner!"

I'm calling out for them now? My first friends. The ones who were closest to my heart. I know they aren't coming for me either, but I don't blame them. There's nothing they could have done.

Reiner. I don't know what waits for me on the other side of all this. There might be nothing. A part of me hopes for the latter. After all this life and all this cruelty, I want there to be nothing but complete silence. But in the off chance that there is something after this, and when your time comes, please come find me. I'll tell them that I'm expecting you so that when you arrive, they'll refer you directly to me, and we can begin spending the rest of eternity together.

I'm scared, though. I'll miss you. I'll miss everything before this. Death makes all the moments before now seem so much sweeter than they were. Why does life have to be like that, so all over the place, both so full of hate and so full of love?

Maybe I'll find the answers on the other side.

As for the actual dying part…

Well…

That is without a doubt the easiest part of all this…

All I have to do…

…is let go…

…and the rest that follows will be cold, dark, and very gentle.