Disclaimer: The Avengers, its characters and The Marvel Cinematic Universe belong to Marvel Studios and The Walt Disney Company, among many others. I'm only a fan, writing this for love of this film franchise and personal pleasure.
A.N.: Set in Captain America: Civil War, when they're going back home from Lagos. I'm expounding a little on Natasha's "You could at least recognize me" line from later on when she's fighting the brainwashed Bucky and, admittedly, throwing in another complication on their way to Romanogers. People are going to hate me, I know. But this is my idea of a very canon-compliant, extremely slow-burn Romanogers, as they didn't get together for ten years (according to my other story, Lights Will Guide You Home) so there had to be reasons for that other than their stubbornness/blindness/general idiocy regarding their feelings for each other.
To Build a Home
10. Memories
Flipping her hair over her shoulder, Natasha sighed heavily and looked around her for a moment. After handling the aftermath of their mission by returning the bio-weapon to the local authorities, dealing with search and rescue following the explosion and liaising with Tony's foundation people for recovery efforts in the affected areas, it had been hours after nightfall when they were finally able to get to their Quinjet and head back home. Sam had taken over the pilot's seat, as even though they were fully equipped with autopilot functions he was always more comfortable doing the flying himself. Natasha had spent a few minutes sitting with Wanda, trying to reassure her that what happened wasn't her fault, but the Scarlet Witch was too tired and distraught for any real conversation at the moment, so she decided to give the young girl some space. Which left Natasha looking for the last member of their group that had come on this mission.
She found Steve at one of the seats right at the back of the jet, apparently already going through the mission report in the pad in his hands. She approached him with light footsteps and sat quietly next to him. "Hey," she whispered at him.
"Hey," he replied, looking up from the pad, his brow furrowed in concern. "How is she?"
"Tired, upset," Natasha sighed in reply. "I told her to try to get some sleep, we have a long flight back home."
"You should probably do the same," he told her softly, looking attentively at her face now, probably noticing her own signs of fatigue.
"I don't think I'd be able to sleep right now," she shook her head lightly. She leaned her head back against the wall with a dull thud, looking up at the ceiling before sighing once more. "I'm sorry. This is all my fault."
"What?" Steve tilted his head a little to look at her and, if possible, the frown on his face became even more pronounced.
She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. "I was in charge of training Wanda. I thought she was ready." She shook her head despondently and pursed her lips into a serious line. "God, I told you she was ready to go out in the field."
He turned in his seat so that he was fully facing her. "Nat, this isn't on you. Or on Wanda. If she hadn't been there, I would be dead now." Natasha felt a shiver run down her spine at his words, and thankfully he didn't seem to notice this as he shook his head, apparently lost in his thoughts. "I had Rumlow, I should've dealt with that bomb vest right away instead of getting suckered on by the mere mention of Bucky."
She gave him a small, sad smile. "Then I guess it's on both of us. This leading thing is hard." She couldn't help but heave another sigh.
"I know." He returned a small, sad smile of his own then and they grew silent for a few minutes.
"What did he say?" Natasha found herself asking the question in a gentle tone. "About Barnes?"
Steve was quiet for a long time as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands just hanging there as he looked down at the floor. "He told me he remembered me." He finally said, his voice heavy now. "Back in D.C., I suppose. He remembered me before they made him forget me again."
She leaned a little forward as well as she frowned at him. "I think he does remember you, Steve. He ended up saving you."
He turned his head to look at her with a confused frown. "What are you talking about?"
She raised an eyebrow at him. "When the helicarriers came down, he took you out of the Potomac." At the blank look on his face, both her eyebrows shot up. "You didn't know that?"
He was shaking his head before she could even finish her question. "No, I thought it was you or Sam. How did you know it was him?"
"I saw him, from the chopper." She told him quietly, feeling another shiver run down her spine as she remembered that moment quite vividly. It was one memory she actively tried to ignore, but she could still see it now: watching one of the helicarriers bear down on the Triskelion as the others rained down their destruction over the Potomac, her heart beating frantically in her chest as they searched desperately for Steve among the wreckage. "We were looking all over for you, and something shiny and metallic caught my eye down the river, way out of the destruction area, and I realized it was his metal arm as he dragged you to shore. By the time we touched down and got to you, he was gone but I know it was him."
Steve sat up straighter at this. "I had no idea. How come you never told me this before?" His tone of voice wasn't accusing, but more curious than anything.
She shrugged her shoulders quietly. "I don't know, we were so worried about getting you to the hospital then I had to go over to Capitol Hill and deal with all that mess." Truth be told, she hadn't really thought about it until now, as back then she'd been nearly going out of her mind as they waited for him during his surgery. She pushed those memories away and focused back on Steve's face, on the present. "I thought Sam had told you."
"He didn't. I guess we were all too caught up on other things at the time." He gave her a sad little half-smile then.
As she looked him in his clear blue eyes, she swallowed hard for a moment and before she could really think about it the words were coming out of her mouth. "Listen, while we're on the subject, there's something else I never told you." She paused for a moment, unsure of how to go on, and he waited patiently, looking attentively at her. "Ever since we first met Wanda in South Africa back when we were dealing with Ultron, I've started to remember things." She furrowed her brow and shook her head a little. "My past has always been something of a blurry mess. I know a little of what it's like to have your memory wiped and something else put in there." She gave him a rather rueful smile then, raising an accompanying sardonic eyebrow. "At one point, I actually believed I was trained to be a ballerina back in Russia, when in fact that was a cover for the training I received to be an assassin."
Something flashed in his eyes then, too many emotions swirling in the depths of his blue for her to discern them completely. "God, I had no idea, Nat," he said, his voice heavy as he shook his head.
"Yeah, but that's not what I'm trying to tell you." Her lips twisted in a sad smile and she took a deep breath to steel herself. "When I was being trained to be the Black Widow, I remember meeting him. The Winter Soldier. He was one of my handlers and instructors. I guess it's no wonder the KGB was HYDRA, too." One of her eyebrows flickered up at that last observation.
For a moment, Steve only stared and blinked his eyes back at her, as if his brain was still trying to wrap itself around what she'd told him. "Bucky trained you?"
"Yes." Natasha nodded solemnly back at him, and now that she'd told him, the words just kept tumbling out of her mouth, trying to give him as many details as she could remember of that time of her life. "He wasn't there all the time, someone else had actually been in charge of me ever since I can first remember. But he came around the time of my graduation ceremony at the academy and when I was being trained for special assignments. One of my first missions was with him, actually."
Steve sat back and pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment. "This is… bizarre, Nat." He removed his hand and blinked his eyes heavily at her, seeming at a loss for words.
She gave him a pained, understanding smile. "I know. It's really weird to think he almost killed me twice since then." She grimaced at the memory, then sighed a little. "But I also always wondered why he didn't take me down those times. He has impeccable aim, he could've taken me out if he really wanted to, but one shot went through my abdomen and another through my shoulder." She paused for a moment, her eyes far away as something she'd been thinking for a while now just came out of her mouth in an attempt to comfort and reassure him. "I think that even if he was programmed by HYDRA and used as a weapon, a part of him was still there, protecting the people he cared about in his own way."
Steve's eyes widened a little at that. "He cared about you?"
Her eyes snapped back to his, as she realized just what she'd said. "Ah, I'm not sure." As Steve kept staring into her eyes she felt highly disconcerted. Natasha didn't particularly want to tell him about this, but she didn't want to lie to him either. "I don't have very clear memories of this, but something tells me we were more than handler and spy, at some point." She finally admitted in a whisper.
His whole expression softened then, something in his eyes telling her he'd heard more in her words than what she'd wanted to say. "Did you love him?" He asked her quite simply then, his voice impossibly gentle.
Anyone else asking her something like this and she would've bristled and left it unanswered, but this was Steve, so of course she didn't. "I don't think so." She was quick to answer, her brow furrowed as she shook her head at him, trying to make him understand. "I didn't know what love was, back then. Also I'm not the same person I was, and neither was he. I don't actually know him, the Bucky you know, the guy who was your best friend."
He gave her an actual smile then, albeit a small one. "You would've liked him."
"I'm sure I would." Her lips twitched up for a moment.
"And he would've liked you." He raised his eyebrows at her now.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Is this payback for all those times I tried to set you up on dates?'
"Maybe." Steve answered with a teasing smile, but then his expression softened once more. "I just want you to be happy, Nat."
"I know." Natasha smiled back at him. "But you know, I'm happy just as I am, leading this team with you. Even if we are in a bit of a mess right now." She finished with a slight roll of the eyes.
"I know." He said, reaching out and giving her hand a tender, reassuring squeeze. "We'll handle it."
Natasha smiled appreciatively back at him. She knew everything would be alright as long as they managed to keep together.
She had no idea how in the course of a couple of days she would be proven just how right she was, only in rather ironic, terrible and catastrophic ways as her team, her family, was split apart like in a civil war.
