Break my soul in two looking for you
But you're right here
If someone had told Maria only weeks before that she would one day bear witness to Captain von Trapp smiling – laughing – outside surrounded by his children, she would have laughed hysterically in their face, because that was simply impossible.
But as she looked on at the scene before her, the way he smiled and laughed with his children, she found that it wasn't out of place at all. In fact, it looked like this was exactly where he was meant to be. She couldn't quite identify the series of events that had led the captain to joining their outing to her mountain that morning. She wasn't sure which of the children had begun the timid pleas for him to join, but it hadn't taken long for all of them to join in a chorus of "please father!"
She had seen the disbelief in his eyes at the way they so brazenly begged for his attention, for his company. She knew then, as she watched him look upon each of their faces, that there was no way that he was going to be able to say no. He had tried to remain impassive about the whole ordeal, telling the children that he had guests to attend to, but then little Gretl had widened her eyes and stuck out her bottom lip, and the captain simply had no choice but to give in. While he acquiesced casually, she could see the glimmer of joy that shone in his eyes and the slight quirk of his lips that told her he was pleased to have been invited – to have been wanted by his children on this excursion.
He looked even more pleased now, with Gretl curled against his side and Marta leaning against his outstretched leg, his head thrown back in laughter at something Kurt had said. It was strange, seeing him this way. It was hard to put the stoic, well put together, impassive employer she had met only weeks ago with the kind, warm, genuine man who was showing through the cracks.
She had never hated the man. If there was anything to know about Maria, it was that she didn't have a hateful bone in her body. She hadn't even disliked the man – he simply vexed her beyond comparison. He was stubborn and bold, and he hadn't been able to see reason, and that had frustrated Maria. She was far too outspoken for her own good, she always had been, and his inability to see just how wrong he was had left her with little ability to hold her tongue.
This version of him, the one that actually listened to what she had to say, left her with no words at all. With the tough exterior broken through, she began to see him for what he really was – a retired naval captain, a member of the aristocracy, and a man of honor whose very presence commanded respect. He was much of the same, and yet, so very different that Maria found herself unsure of how to speak with him. It felt very silly and not much like her at all, but it was as if she had suddenly become shy and unsure of herself. Was it because she had finally realized that he was just so much larger that life? Or did she still feel terribly about being so outspoken before about his treatment of his children?
She began to shake the thoughts from her head, knowing that this certainly wasn't the ideal time to be dissecting her new dynamic with the captain. As she came back to herself, she noticed that Friedrich, Kurt, and Louisa had begun to pass a ball between them. Brigitta had picked up her book and was resting her head on the picnic basket while Liesl grabbed the two youngest children by the hands, leading them over to a gathering of wildflowers to pick.
It was then that she became acutely aware of a pair of strikingly blue eyes upon her. She felt her face warm a little at the unexpected attention as she glanced towards the captain. He looked utterly content, his legs outstretched before him as he leaned back on his elbows, his hat slightly askew on his head. His face was content, peaceful even, and it was enough to make Maria give him a small smile.
"You seemed in your own world there for a while," he mused lazily. Maria smiled sheepishly. "Are you alright?"
His tone was gentle, and she felt her heart jump ever so slightly. She was still so unused to the sound of his voice without the coldness that had seemed to live within him. Her smile widened.
"Very much so, Captain," she replied. She watched as the corners of his lips pulled upwards.
"I do hope I'm not intruding on your outing today, Fraulein," he said. She shook her head.
"Not at all! In fact, I think the children are much happier with you here," she stated. She watched the flicker of doubt pass his face as his eyes shifted from hers to the various locations of the children.
"Do you really think so?" he asked quietly after a moment. His eyes slowly came back to hers and she could see the uncertainty that lay within them.
"I'm certain," she replied firmly, hoping her smile only reinforced her statement. She got a small smile in return before her began to straighten himself from the ground. He sat up, his eyes towards the cloudless sky in what looked like deep contemplation. They stayed like that for a moment; the captain seemingly enraptured by the endless blue above, and Maria staring down at her hands, desperate to fill the silence but not knowing how.
"I was thinking about taking a walk," his voice cut through her thoughts. "I was hoping you might join me."
The sincerity in his eyes would have made it impossible to say no. She nodded meagerly, rising from the ground as he did. Her tongue felt like lead in her mouth, and she detested the feeling. It reminded her of her youth, of when her uncle would make her feel so small and so entirely without a voice that she would run up to the mountain – the very one they stood upon now – and sing at the top of her lungs, vowing that no matter how small she was made to feel, no one could ever take her voice away.
But Captain von Trapp was not her uncle. In fact, when she had seen the coldness within him that had reminded her of her uncle, she had been far more outspoken. She couldn't seem to be quiet about what she thought of his harsh demeanor and ridiculous disciplines. It was the kindness that jarred her. It was the warmth that destabilized her. Had she looked a little deeper, and had she known what to look for, she would have come to the conclusion that Captain von Trapp was the first man who had ever spoken to her with an ounce of kindness.
She fell into step next to him as they walked beside a nearby creek. The children were well within view, and she smiled to herself as she watched the way that they ran and played without care. It was a beautiful thing to watch them become children again.
Her gaze fell to the man besides her, who was also watching the children, noticeably counting heads. She noted the rigid way he stood – the way he clasped his hands behind his back and held his shoulders square and tight. Perfect military form.
She wondered what he was like at war. Had he always been so tough? Or had his stony exterior grown through the horrors of war? What had he taken back with him? Some things were plain to see, such as the scar below his lower lip that Maria had shamefully found herself fixated on a handful of times, wondering how he could have gotten it, but some wounds were not as easy to see, nor were they as quick to heal.
His gaze turned to hers and she quickly looked away, feeling her cheeks warm at having been caught studying him. She remembered the unabashed way she had studied him on her first day in the villa.
Why do you stare at me that way?
You don't look at all like a sea captain.
She wished she could bring that confidence back, that outspokenness. It was far more her that this timid little shell of who she was that she had become in his presence.
"I hope that you have found your accommodations satisfactory so far," he spoke. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye.
"Very much so, Captain," she replied. He gave a curt nod, and that's when she noticed it – the uncertainty in the set of his jaw. He was just as at a loss as she was. She steeled her resolve. They couldn't go on this way of dancing around each other in conversation. She would be with the von Trapp's for the rest of the summer, and it simply wouldn't do to be unable to have a conversation with the head of the family. After all, she had agreed to help him, hadn't she? They would need to get over whatever residual awkwardness that hung between them to work together for the children. "I don't think I've ever stayed anywhere quite so lovely."
She didn't miss the tug at the corner of his mouth, or the small tug of triumph within her chest.
"Have you always lived in the area, Fraulein?" he asked. She nodded.
"My whole life," she replied. "I don't think I could imagine living anywhere else."
"You and I both," he said quietly, a ringing of sadness echoing in his tone. She could see the change in him, the way his shoulders slumped ever so slightly, and the way his eyes studied the ground as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. There was a heaviness about him, and Maria felt the overwhelming urge to lighten the load that seemed to bear down on him.
"The children tell me that you are most comfortable on the water," she spoke, hoping to pull him out of whatever thoughts had made him frown so deeply. There was a hesitation before he met her eyes again, but the hint of a smile on his lips filled her with relief.
"Yes, well, that is true. Have you ever seen the ocean?" he asked. She shook her head. "It's truly remarkable. It stretches on for miles and miles. An endless chasm. There is nothing else in the world like it."
"Do you miss it?" she asked, finding herself enchanted by the distant, wistful look in his eyes. There was still a heaviness there, as she found often followed the captain around, but it was less palpable.
"Very much so, but it hasn't been the same since…" he trailed off, and it didn't take Maria long to put the pieces together. "In any matter, if you ever have the chance to see the ocean, you won't regret it."
"It sounds beautiful," she said softly. She didn't want to pry. She knew from the children that he never spoke of his late wife, and the last thing she wanted to do was upset him. She was just finally beginning to find her footing in this evolving partnership they had found themselves in.
"Oh, it is. I only hope to be able to take the children to see it someday," he said. That brought a smile to her face. She could only imagine the enthusiasm of the seven children at seeing something so incredible as the endless sea. And the idea that it was something the captain wanted to share with them only warmed her heart. It would mean so much to them.
"They would love that! Friedrich especially, I think," she replied.
His attention snapped to her as if what she had said bewildered him.
"Really?"
"Oh, yes. He talks so fondly of the stories of the sea you've told him. He looks up to you so much that I wouldn't doubt that he might enlist in the Navy when he's older," she explains. A small smile of pride crept upon his face as his gaze travelled over to his eldest son who was chasing after the ball Louisa had just thrown.
"I had always hoped he might find interest in the Navy. When he was younger, we would spend hours of my days on leave just building model boats while I told him about the sea and cadet life. He had always taken the most interest in my occupation," a fond smile had spread across his face at the memory. Maria found herself mirroring him. The picture became so clear in her mind of Friedrich listening with rapt attention as his father talked of his voyages at sea.
"He speaks nothing but great things about you." She was surprised when he let out a scoff, his features darkening.
"Not that I've given him much of a reason to – any of them for that matter," he muttered, his eyes meeting the ground again. And there it was, that remorse in his tone that tugged at her heart. It was as if he believed that he was beyond redemption, that no matter what he did now, he would always have failed as a father for the way he had treated his children, and Maria knew that simply wasn't true.
"You did the best that you could," she replied quietly. He shot her a bitter smile.
"You can't honestly tell me that you of all people believe that." While he had clearly put in effort to keep his tone light, she could see the tortured look in his eyes, and she felt a crack begin to form beneath her ribcage. While she couldn't entirely empathize with his situation, she could empathize with the children. She took a deep breath before speaking again, desperately trying to find the right words. She knew there was not much she could say that would alter how he felt about his own redemption with his children, especially after the way she had spoken to him on the matter only days ago.
"I've said before that I was far too outspoken. I was simply thinking of the children and how they were feeling. I didn't entirely empathize with how you must have been feeling," she replied gently.
"How I was feeling shouldn't have taken a toll on my children," he stated, not unkindly, but firmly. He was being far too hard on himself, and while a matter of weeks ago she might have found this manner of self-deprecation righteous for the way he had treated his children, she found that she couldn't stand it now.
"You have all gone through something impossible. It was hard on all of you, and I think that you did the best with what you had. Sometimes that is all we can do, and there's no use beating yourself up about things you cannot go back to fix. What matters is that you are trying to make things better with them now."
He was quiet for a moment, contemplative. His eyes every so often would wander back to her, studying her inquisitively before rising back to the sky above them. She wondered what he was thinking. Had something resonated with him? Or did he think that she was entirely out of her depth? She supposed she was to some degree. Finally, after several moments, he spoke.
"Are all postulants so wise and all-knowing?" he asked. Maria let out a giggle.
"I am certainly not all-knowing, Captain, I can assure you of that," she replied. A small smile tugged at his lips.
"Maybe not, but you certainly seem wise beyond your years. Your understanding of grief is rather remarkable," he said. She stayed silent, a familiar heaviness in her chest settling there. She hadn't let herself feel it in such a long time. When he caught sight of the frown that had fallen upon her lips, he spoke again.
"I didn't mean any offence," he spoke quickly as he made to stop walking and stood to face her. "I just meant that your capacity for empathy and understanding are beyond anything I think I've ever seen. The children have accepted you with open arms and I think that is because you are the first person to have made the time to understand them and what they've gone through. No one else has tried to do that, not even their own father."
There was a sadness in his tone, a vulnerability. She knew that he was trying to open up to her, to relate to her. He was trying to make up for the way he treated her in the past by getting to know her. She knew that it was costing him. Somehow, she knew that the larger-than-life Captain von Trapp did not make it a habit to show any vulnerability. The least she could do was show him the same sort of courtesy.
She took a deep breath, steeling herself for the words forming on her tongue.
"I do understand what they've gone through," she said quietly. He looked to her once again. He kept quiet, but his eyes implored her to continue. "I lost my parents when I was Gretl's age."
His eyebrows raised as the impact of her statement sunk in. While his expression seemed to remain neutral, she could see a thousand little thoughts racing behind his eyes.
She couldn't remember the last time she had ever said the words aloud. She had always tried to bury that part of her, the orphan with a tragic past because she knew she was so much more than that. She was destined for greatness through her devotion to God and His will, and that was something that had gotten her through her grief. That was something that had made her stronger. But the older she got, the less she was able to deny that part of her, the part that had made her lose everything at such a young age, because even now as a young woman, she still felt like that same scared little girl at times, lost and alone in a great big world.
She mentally shook herself. She was not lost nor was she alone. She had the Abbey and her faith, and that was enough, it had to be.
"I am very sorry for your loss," he said quietly. "That is something no child should ever have to go through at such a young age."
He looked solemn, and she knew he was thinking of his own children and the loss they had endured. She could see the regret in his eyes as he realized what his cold behaviour towards them must have made her think, having lost both of her parents.
"I am sorry for yours," she told him, breaking him of his reverie. "I don't think I ever told you that, but I am sorry."
"Thank you, Fraulein," he smiled, "I do appreciate it."
She smiled back at him, and for a moment, perhaps the first moment since she had arrived under the service of the von Trapps, she felt a peace settle over the two of them. There was no animosity or coldness, nor was there any of the timidness or uncertainty that they had been dancing around the past few days. She felt a sort of contentment with him, and she only prayed that it remained that way until the end of the summer.
When a ball rolled between them at their feet, their gazes broke apart, both inspecting the object before them. The captain looked towards Kurt who was approaching the two adults in a light jog. He bent down to pick up the ball at his feet, inspecting it almost curiously.
"Sorry, Father! Sorry, Fraulein Maria! We didn't mean to throw it so far," the boy exclaimed hurriedly, as if afraid of being reprimanded. He looked towards Maria, his eyes wide and uncertain. She gave him look of assurance before looking back to the captain. She took in his stature, his features, and she determined that any of the lingering feelings of doubt and self-deprecation had fled.
"Don't fret, my boy. What exactly is it that you are playing?" the captain asked, looking inquisitively towards his son. Maria could see Kurt's eyes brighten instantly, any worry dissipating.
"We're playing a game of catch, and you don't want to let the ball touch the ground. You try to throw the ball so that the other team can't catch it. If they do catch it, they get a point. If they don't catch it the team that threw the ball gets the point. Friedrich and I are on a team," Kurt said. The captain raised an eyebrow. Maria smiled to herself. She was well aware of the game and its rules, and she was well aware the Louisa was the reigning champion.
"Louisa is on her own?" he inquired, looking back to his daughter and eldest son who were watching from quite a distance back. Kurt nodded solemnly.
"She's beating us," he muttered. Maria couldn't keep the small laugh that rose from the back of her throat. A similar sound came from the captain.
"Well then, if it's all right with you, Kurt, I think I'll just assign myself to the winning team," he said. Kurt beamed.
"You'll play with us?"
"I'll certainly try to keep up," he replied, giving Maria a sideways smile. She felt her chest tighten ever so slightly. She couldn't deny that it felt incredibly good to watch the captain join his children's game. She knew this meant the world to them.
"Father's playing," Kurt yelled back at his siblings. Maria could hear the ecstatic cheers from Friedrich and Louisa as Kurt ran back towards them. The captain gave her a small nod before turning to join his children. She smiled as she watched him jog in their direction. His hat was still askew, his jacket had been discarded long ago, his shirt was rather rumpled and had traces of dirt in some places from the activities of the day. He looked less aristocratic than she had ever seen him. However, he looked more like a father than she had ever seen him, and that was something that caused her chest to pang with joy. Joy for the children, and joy for him. They deserved this, all of them.
He threw his head back in laughter as he tossed the ball and Friedrich made to catch it, only falling an inch or two short. For a moment, she just watched as they played the game. She watched as he chased the ball, as he faked throws to confuse his sons, as he hatched plans with Louisa to win. Her heart filled with warmth as she saw the picture before her – a father and his children.
It was then, watching the scene unfold before her, that she knew she had been sent to the von Trapps with a purpose, and she was fulfilling it. She had originally thought it was to prepare the children for a new mother, and while that may be part of it, she knew the much larger task was to reconnect them with their father, and in turn, help the captain find his way back to them.
"Fraulein Maria!" a small voice cut into her thoughts. She glanced down to see Marta and Gretl approaching her with equally beautiful bouquets of wildflowers. She knelt down, inspecting the bouquets as they were offered to her.
"These are wonderful!" she exclaimed. She took a flower from each bouquet, gently placing them behind each girls' ear – pink for Marta, and blue for Gretl. The girls began to giggle, beaming smiles on their faces. "You both look as pretty as princesses."
"Will you help us pick some more? We'd like to make one for father," Marta said. Maria beamed, ecstatic to be included in such an important task.
"Of course, I will," she said, looking up to Liesl who had approached behind the two girls. "Why don't we go look over there for some different kinds of flowers?"
She pointed down the creek where some white and yellow flowers bloomed. The girls nodded excitedly as they took off towards the flowers. Maria fell into step with Liesl as they trailed behind, talking about what a nice day it had been.
And it truly had been one of the best days for all of them.
Where something had felt broken once before, it now felt whole.
The captain spent the rest of the afternoon playing ball with Friedrich, Louisa, and Kurt. He and Louisa had beaten the boys by a landslide, but by the end of the day, none of them had even been keeping track.
Brigitta had eventually joined Maria, Liesl, and the younger ones to pick flowers. She had even helped teach all of them how to make little crowns out of the flowers, to which Gretl and Marta wore them proudly. They made a special bouquet for the captain, which the girls presented to him when they began packing up for the afternoon. He had looked stunned at first, his eyes shifting to Maria's in surprise, but he accepted the bouquet graciously, clutching it with pride the entire way home.
All in all, it had been a wonderful day for the von Trapps and Maria. There was a newfound sense of joy that had fallen over the nine of them that refused to dissipate for the rest of the evening. It had seemed to be contagious even to Baroness Schraeder and Herr Detweiler, who had spent the day in town.
It was that evening when Maria was getting ready to go to bed that she realized that if she were to have this last freedom, this last summer before she was to take her vows and begin her new life in devotion to God, she was glad she was going to be able to experience it with the von Trapps.
A/N: Well, there's a sweet little filler chapter for you. I hope you enjoyed it!
Does anyone miss a tortured, brooding Georg? Because I certainly do, and there will be lots of him in the next chapter.
Thank you for every favourite, follow, and review. Each and every one means the world.
