Author's Note: Heyy everyone!!!! I finally finished this chapter! Yes!! This one was very difficult because I changed POVs, as you can probably tell. Ronan is now telling the story. I didn't want to change the POV but the story just wouldn't have worked with out the transition. I really hope you aren't disappointed and again I'm sorry for the huge delay. I only have two more exams to go so I'll have a ton of time to write after. Thank you so much for all the support on the last chapter (over thirty reviews! =D) and I really hope you'll review this one!!! Thank you so much and I love you all. =]
Love,
Mel =]
26. Always In My Head
Ronan Philip Dwyer Cullen
My feet were on fire as they ripped up the forest floor like an angry tornado, unyielding, wild. I stayed a good ten feet in front of my idiot brother, narcissist sister, my all-mighty father. I hated all of them. I would never forgive them for what they made me do. The memories they forced me to make. I could feel the images being etched into my infinite mind. They were being pounded there, as if there were an old-fashioned typewriter embedded in my mind, and a mad man sitting before it, a sadist playwright there especially to torture me, making these images unbearably vivid for eternity. If I were human, I'd put a bullet through my head, blow the bastard to hell. But it's not that easy. Not when you're freaking indestructible.
I couldn't let myself think about it. I pushed my legs faster, only fearing the possibility of being plunged into one of these fresh horrors; horrors that would haunt me for the rest of my life. I focused on running, on the towering redwoods that whooshed by, my barely audible breathing. What was the point of taking another breath? Why did I even bother? Without Ava, my life-
"-means nothing!" I bellowed, causing a few small birds to flee from their branches in the trees. My fists were tight at my sides, and I wanted so badly to charge across the clearing in front of the cottage and rip my brother's thick, know-it-all head off. Maybe then he'd finally understand.
"Ronan's right, Edward," Bella took his hand in hers, "We can't just leave her here." She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "We don't want history repeating itself."
Edward looked down, grimacing, and I smiled. He'll give into Bella. We won't have to leave.
"Don't forget, we've taken them down before," I heard Rosalie pipe in. "We can do this again. For Ava."
"Stay out of this, Rose. You have no idea what you're talking about." I growled.
Rosalie glowered at me. "Quiet, you. I've had more experience with the Volturi. This could be our lives."
I shook my head. Bitch.
Edward gave me a disapproving look when the thought crossed my mind. I rolled my eyes. "You know it's true."
He shrugged. "Most of the time. But she's right. This could be our lives. And I don't want to take Ava's unwillingly."
I looked down. He was right. I didn't want to pressure my precious angel either. "But Edward," Alice started, "Before I got this new vision with Ava involved, there was nothing. After I saw the population of Forks dead, everything was gone. The vision stopped short after that. Just black."
She peered over at Carlisle, the man who would have the final decision. "We're going to be killed, Carlisle. It's either Ava comes with us, or we're dead."
Carlisle nodded and looked up at us with a horrified expression. This was completely against his beliefs. "I think…"
He shook his head, and Esme took his hand, nodding at him. She still looked as if she were about to lose it, but vampire's can't cry. I would never be able to wipe tears off of Ava's cheeks again…
Carlisle took a deep breath. "I think we need to change her. This is our only chance to save the town."
"But Carlisle…" Rosalie pleaded.
"It's the only way, Auntie Rose." Renesmee told her, "If you still have some sort of vendetta with her, I recommend you forget about it now. She's family."
Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Of course I don't hate her. I just think she could have a much better life than this. Don't you agree, Bella?"
Bella looked down. She as much as she tried to deny it in the past, this life was incredibly difficult for her, even if she was with her true love.
"I sure as hell do, Rose." I said. "But what can we do about it now? You need to let go of the frigging past. It's happened. There's no turning a pickle back into a cucumber."
Rosalie looked up at me with her famous fed-up expression, the one you never want to witness. Oh, crap. "You just stay out of this, kid. We can save her from this. She can find someone mortal, have kids, a life. You're incredibly selfish, you know that?"
I looked down, trying to stifle the sobs. I couldn't show her weakness, even though she was right. I was selfish. I wanted to take her life. I wanted to take her life from her…
"Rose, calm down." I hear Emmett tell his bitch of a wife.
"You're telling me to calm down? The only reason we're changing her is for our benefit." She turned to Alice then. "She doesn't want this. I can tell. No matter how much she may make it seem like she wants to be one of us once your husband carries out your masochistic plan to convince her this is her destiny, it's because you brain washed her."
"Hmm… it's funny that the vain one accusing me of being self-centered," Alice sneered. I've never seen her so pissed.
Rosalie was about to retort when Alice's face went blank. I think everyone's breathing stopped. I listened to what was happening in the cottage.
I heard Ava screaming. "Let go of me! Stop! Just please, let me go! I need to… I need…" Her voice broke. Was he hurting her? My muscles tensed. "Jasper… just… I can't… I…" I heard her begin to sob uncontrollably, like she did when we were in the car in Seattle…
I shook my head, "Get away from me." I muttered to the memories, cursing the playwright in my head. He just laughed viciously, enjoying my endless agony.
The excruciating misery was radiating in my chest, making me want to lean against one of the huge redwoods I kept flying by and never move again. Stop breathing. Stop living. Ava-
I pushed a piece of the curly red hair out of the way of her angelic face. She giggled that musical laugh that never failed to make me smile and looked into my eyes with complete elation. She made me feel like I wasn't ninety-something years old and have gone through complete hell. It was as if I was young and innocent again, strawberry picking with my loving mother, or in the batting cages with my proud father. Like nothing ever happened. It was just Ava. Memories couldn't interfere with these moments.
She pulled me into her pleasantly warm body and kissed me passionately, her lips the most delicious flavor imaginable. I never wanted to come up for air. Just keep tasting her lips…
She pulled away, gasping for breath, and I remembered she was only human. I kissed her neck, smelling the lavender scent pulsing in her throat.
She giggled again, inevitably making me smile again as I looked into those sapphire eyes.
"I love you, Ronan."
I sealed the words with a tender kiss. I felt her shiver under me.
A crack of thunder sounded in the distance once again, and I cupped her face in my hand. "I think we better get going."
She pulled me into her again, and my hand began to trail her perfect curves. She was the most beautiful thing to ever exist. And she was mine.
She shook her head, her eyes suddenly apprehensive. "No. Stay."
I gasped for air as her agonized face came into my head, so vivid, nearly knocking me off my feet.
"Staying isn't an option, Ronan," Carlisle concluded. "What Alice saw is most likely completely relevant. We need to stop them before they can recruit anyone. From what she saw, two European clans will be on their side in the near future. If we can reason with them before…"
I shook my head. "How do they even know about this yet? It hasn't even been twenty minutes since he sent the damn video!"
I saw Renesmee shake her head at her unfolded pod. "It's already on video sites, Ronan. Already 500 views on . Gianna's a conniving stalker. I'm sure she's already seen it by now and Aro's on the move."
Surprisingly, the mention of Gianna's name didn't even faze me. It was the words spoken by my love in the cottage.
"I'm going to do it." I heard her say shakily.
"Do what?" Jasper asked, oblivious.
She took a deep breath. "Be changed. Into one of you." Her beautiful voice was strained with tears. But she was sure about her decision.
I looked down, shaking my head. Everyone else was silent as well listening to her words. I didn't look up at my family. I didn't want their pity. I wanted to die. Ava would be devastated. She would hurt herself.
"She's coming with us." I said again. Silence.
I looked up at them, and they all stared back. They were cowards. Manipulative cowards. They acted like they cared, but they didn't. They were going to make me leave her. There was no choice. My breathing slowed.
But, there wasn't a choice. If we were to change her now, it would take a few days for her to make a full transformation. She would be helpless, and in immense pain. And if the Volturi were to come during this time…
I shuttered. Edward nodded, knowing of my realization, and we started for the cottage. It was as if some outside forced caused me to follow; I had no control over myself anymore. I was a puppet; a puppet to my family, a puppet to the Volturi, a puppet to the playwright that inhabited my mind.
I walked up next to Edward, whose chiseled face was set solemnly, knowing exactly how this parting was going to happen. He'd been through it all before.
I took a deep, shaky breath. "What do I do Edward? How do I leave her here?"
He looked down and Bella spoke for him gravely, "It needs be a clean break. Pretend you don't care about her. If she pleads for you, you have to act like nothing ever happened…" Her voice cracked, and Edward pulled her closer. So maybe they weren't manipulative. They didn't like the idea of leaving my precious Ava either.
We opened the door, and her sweet, lavender scent filled my nostrils. Her gorgeous face was streaked with mascara-filled tears, her eyes were red-rimmed and her nose was as red as Rudolph's. I wanted to run over and comfort her in anyway I possibly could. I would run all the way to China and back for her if it would wipe that agonized look off her face. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't leave her.
"Come on, Jasper. We have to get going." Edward stated, as if there was no reasoning. Ava's face twisted into a confused expression.
"What?" Jasper asked, almost angry. I flinched. There was nothing we could do. We couldn't change her. Nothing we could do…
The conversation blurred together as I watched Ava's face. It went through a cycle of enraged expressions. First, she was confused. Then she almost looked repulsed, as if she was going to be sick. I swallowed.
"Well, you have a new recruit as well." My beauty choked, raising her hand limply. I wanted to go over and hold it, and never let go. How could I leave this brave, independent angel all by herself to wait for her death? My heart seized as I realized there was no way we would be able to stop the Volturi. Ava was going to die…
I couldn't let myself break down sobbing. There was no way to save her. I clenched my fists together as my body began to shake. Clean break, it needed to be a clean break.
"Ava, you're not coming with us," Rosalie confirmed.
Her face fell. Her eyes widened.
"We can handle this. You need to go back to your family,"
Her delicate little jaw dropped, appalled at what Rosalie was saying. As if she were trying to convince her the sky wasn't blue. Like everything ever told to her was a lie.
"We know you love them, you won't be able to live with yourself if you give up something so precious, especially if you aren't sure about it. I know you're uneasy." Rosalie concluded.
She shook her head, her breathing was shallow and her heart beat rapid. Much top rapid for a human. Holding those clenched hands would slow it. But I couldn't do anything. The puppeteer made me immobile. "But I made up my mind. I need to help. We may actually stand a chance!" She cried.
Edward spoke soothingly, trying to comfort her, but it was impossible to reason with her now. Our eyes locked as she shook her head, willing for the absurdity to be a huge joke, but I contradicted it by nodding at Edward's miserable words. Edward continued to try to get her under control until she finally exploded.
"NO!" Her shrill shattered my soul. "You can't! What if it's not enough!?" She sobbed, the tears running down her face as if it were Niagara Falls.
Edward again tried to soothe her, but it only made her angrier. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill everyone involved in this decision. I wanted to kill myself for putting her through this.
Her face turned an unnatural shade of crimson as she screamed, "THAT IS A BUNCH OF CRAP, EDWARD! YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE, AND THEY'RE GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU WON'T COME BACK!"
I couldn't look anymore. I averted my eyes to the kitchen table, but her blotchy face intruded my sight. I squeezed my eyes shut, but she was still there, my love in immense pain. The pain that I caused her.
The empty hole my heart used to inhabit burned with such great intensity I thought I was on fire. It was worse than the thirst of blood as a newborn. Worse than the transformation into immortality. Worse than the feeling of Desiree's death. This was the feeling of my impalpable heart, my soul, my life, shattering into a million tiny pieces.
I felt her presence right near me, but I couldn't look. I was a coward. I couldn't deal with the mess I made. "Ronan." Her sweet voice was low.
I couldn't look at her. I had to let her go. To possibly stop the Volturi from killing her. A clean break. She touched me, and my skin seared with pain. The pain I was about to experience when I left her.
She turned my face towards hers, forcing me to look into the eyes that were once my escape. The last time, I realized, I would look into my two blue, innocent paradises.
"Don't do this," I watched her lips move. I wanted to lean in and interlock them with mine. Ease the pain. I waited for the pain of Des to hit me like a wrecking ball at the thought of kissing Ava, but Desiree seemed like a figment of my imagination; a horrible, but distant memory. Like 9/11. A tragedy I knew fully well about, but never really experienced. Looking into Ava's pained eyes; there was nothing in the world but her. And without her in my life, there was no reason to live. "I love you, I can't lose you."
I couldn't frown. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't move. But somehow, with all my might, I managed to take her fragile hand in mine, and place it back to her side. She gasped when I did so, but I couldn't respond. A clean break. It had to be a clean break.
Carlisle looked at me expectantly, willing me to say something. I wanted to rip his head off. But the puppeteer made me speak anyway.
"We should go," a voice spoke. When Ava's face responded in devastated surprise, I realized the voice was mine.
It felt as though I was no longer connected to my body. "NO!" I heard her screech; only increasing the burning intensity in my chest. I felt her warm arms wrap around my leg as they had in the meadow, around my chest, caressing my face…
"NO!" I cried, as my running turned into a helpless stumble. I stumbled to my knees, as if I was a helpless human again, and the sobs began to shake my body. Tearless, of course, but still just as painful as human weeping.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Come on, son. You can do this. I'm so proud of you for saving Ava like that. You're a true hero."
I looked up at my father. "You think I saved her back there? That's the last thing I did! I killed her, Carlisle! I killed her!"
Suddenly, the rest of my family was at my side, looking at me with solemn faces. Esme, Jasper, Edward, Rosalie, Emmett, Bella, Renesmee and Jacob. Pitying me. Trying to be supportive. Make me realize I made the right decision by leaving Ava. It was a bunch of crap. I should've held her. Kissed her. I should've soothed her pain…
Bella came in front of me then, but I refused to look at her. "Ronan," she pleaded.
I shook my head. The agony was burning still; I just wanted it to subside. Hearing Ava's name one more time would be the death of me. She took my face in her hands just like Ava did…
I shook my head. "Don't, Bella. Just don't even go there."
I felt her stare. "You're going to make sure she doesn't die. She's going to live a nice, happy life with her mother and sisters, and you will be responsible for that, all because you stopped the Volturi. She'll be in pain, because you left, but…" She trailed off then, realizing her words were, indeed, a bunch of crap. She remembered how she felt when Edward left her; how she'd rather be dead than without the one she loved.
I got to my feet then, however, realizing there was an absence among my family. "Where's Alice?" I asked, and they all looked at each other, wondering the same thing.
Suddenly, I heard a high pitched voice come from a little ways behind us. "Dammit, Ava."
My breathing stopped as I sped to Alice, who almost never used coarse language. This had to be bad.
When I got to Alice, she had her hand cupped over her mouth, trying to keep herself from sobbing uncontrollably.
"What happened, Alice," I asked as calmly as I could, and she only looked up at me with horrified eyes. My family rushed in behind me, and Jasper came to Alice's side immediately.
He rubbed her back and tried to make her focus. "Ali, sweetie, its okay. Just tell us what you saw."
She was still staring at me, terrified and shaking, as she tried to make herself speak. "There was blood, everywhere, pooled out around her head." She clamped her eyes closed as I felt myself yet again feel disconnected from my body. She couldn't be talking about Ava. She couldn't have…
Jasper shook his head at Carlisle, an enraged expression on his face. "I knew this would happen! With the magnitude of her emotions… of course she would hurt herself!"
"Carlisle," She continued to sob. "I think she's dead."
