127 days

DAY 1 - It's been almost three weeks since we smashed through the Fitzwork and got back to this place. Simmons gave me this journal. She said it was a good way to keep track of my thoughts and feelings just to see if any changes are happening. She measures me every day and so far…nothing! I didn't grow a speck and no matter how much I eat I don't gain anything. That'd be great for the real me but this just sucks!

I never had a diary. Never needed one even if I coulda kept it at St. Agnes. Nothing really important ever happened and I never really wanted to remember much of what did. But Simmons says journals are private so I guess I can write what ever I want here even if its words May doesn't think are appro…apro…right for a kid.

Thing is I'm not a kid really, well not in my head anyway. So I'm not a real adult either cuz my body is definitely a kid. Sometimes it isn't bad being the kid part. I got no real responsibilities, well not big ones anyway. I get to sleep in most days and I can fit in a lot of places no one else can and some of those are really good hiding places. I get hugged a lot and people (well most of them) smile at me. I never got tucked in when I was a kid but now it's every night. Both Coulson and May always make sure I'm comfy and warm and wow, kisses too. Nobody ever kissed me goodnight. They say you don't miss what you don't have but I'm pretty sure I'd miss this.

Fitz was real sorry he left my laptop at the base so he built me a new one. He even tried to install some kind of net-nanny. It took me about five minutes to disable it, so he made a new one. I got through that one too, so he keeps trying and I keep stopping him. I think it's kind of a game now, but I don't mind. It's kinda fun and it keeps me practicing although I really think he's trying to keep me out of the agency stuff. I let him think it's working but I made my own stealth program and keep up on pretty much everything that's going on.

Of course being nine all over again has its shitty parts too. I can't share a drink with the team. May won't even let me have a sniff of beer and well liquor is definitely out of the question. She didn't find out but I stashed two cans of brewsky and a half bottle of Jack in one of the air vents on level 23. I haven't figured out what I wanna do with them but they're there if and when I do.

They don't let me out of their sight too often, so that might be a problem. Geez, it's like they think I'm gonna hack the Pentagon or something. Just because I made Davis believe the Quinjet was being attacked cuz I switched on the demo attack protocol program everybody got all out of shape. My ears were ringing for an hour with all the yelling going on and since both of them were screaming and carrying on I didn't hear most of it, but I got the part about what part of my anatomy would suffer if I ever pulled a damn stupid stunt like that again. I almost laughed but May looked pretty serious, even though I was pretty sure it was just an idle threat.

I got confined to quarters for a whole day and let me tell you there is nothing more boring than being stuck in a room with no windows, no internet, no cell phone and no music. All I had was some dumb book to read. By the time they let me out I was ready to promise anything. It was like some damn solitary confinement thing, definitely cruel and unusual. Well, I wasn't really alone all day cuz Coulson brought me lunch and we ate together and we all had supper in our little kinda apartment bunk so I guess I wasn't all alone really. That's when Simmons came and gave me this journal too. She said I needed to keep it between me and her cuz she didn't want me to get in any more trouble. The real sucky thing was I had to apologize to Davis and he was pretty pissed. He didn't talk to me for like two days and even then I had to tell him I was sorry again. He said if I wasn't the bosses' kid he'd kick my ass. I wanted to tell him to try it but he's really big from down here in nine year old land, so I just said sorry again and kept out of his way for a while.

DAY 3 - Simmons said ya don't hafta write in here every day, just when you feel like it. That's good cuz I forget sometimes or I don't have the journal with me when I think of something and then I don't remember. I guess that means it wasn't very important.

I thought of another sucky thing about this stupid situation. For some reason May thinks I forgot how to take a bath or that I just fake it because she makes sure I do it right every time. At first it was kinda embarrassing but hell, I don't have anything to worry about. Hell, I'm nine…nothing's blossoming yet. I told her I could do it myself but she just gives me that 'yeah sure' look. I fudged it just one time…once. Just ran the water and got the soap wet…an old St. Agnes trick. Hell, we all did it. I swear May can smell when you do something because she marched me right back in and we started all over again. I told her I could use the showers like everybody else but she said it was too far away and too cold to walk all the way back and I'd probably find some way to get dirty on the way. So now she helps every, and I mean every, night. Mostly she just sits there and we talk about stuff so I guess maybe it isn't so bad and anyway the damn tub is so high I'd probably be ass over shoulders if I tried climbing in or out on my own. She dries my hair and brushes out all the knots and doesn't even yank my head off. Nobody ever did that before. So maybe it isn't so sucky after all. I guess it's a mom thing and I kinda really like it when she does mom stuff.

DAY 7 – I don't know why everybody's so crazy over me wanting to do normal stuff. They drilled all that muscle memory crap into my head and now they won't let me use it. I thought May was going to shit a brick when she found out I was in the shooting range today. Wasn't even like there was ammo in the friggin' gun. I just aimed it to get a feel for it. It wasn't like I planned on pulling the trigger or anything and anyway it's kinda heavy when you're nine and anyway it was only an I.C.E.R. How was I supposed to know Piper would walk in and bark an order at me? Damn near shit my pants! I am pretty sure it was her fault the damn thing went off and anyway Davis will be fine except for the headache but that's just a side effect of the dentro-whatever is in it. This time he might kick my butt. Geez, I can't believe I got him again. He's gonna think I've got some kind vendetta against him. I will definitely stay out of his way for a long time.

Guess it makes sense that I got read the riot act again…both barrels. I got reminded again that I am just a kid and kids don't use guns even if they are non-lethal. I tried to tell them about Piper but Coulson reminded me I shouldn't have been there in the first place. He went on for a very long time and May just paced. I watched her and kept thinking about one of those bulls in those bullfight things. I almost laughed til she did the eyebrow thing at me. She told me she'd paint my butt purple if I ever pulled a stupid stunt like that again and this time I kinda almost believed her. I think Coulson did too because he told her to take some time in the gym. I gotta remember that some stuff adults do is considered stupid stunts for kids, even kids who are just short adults.

He went on about rules and following orders and how I wasn't supposed to be unlocking doors meant to be locked. I tried to tell him I didn't pick any locks cuz my fingers might be smaller but my prints are still the same, so are my eyes. He wouldn't let me say a word, kept holding up that one finger. When he told me I was grounded to my bunk again I almost begged him to get May back.

So here I am again sitting in this dumb room with this dumb book that I don't want to read.

DAY 8 – I was pretty sure they wouldn't talk to me at breakfast. I didn't even want to go to the table but I smelled French Toast and bacon and oh, that coffee smelled soooo good. I couldn't resist so I went really quiet and sat at the table. Coulson smiled when he gave me a plate and that damn glass of milk. I do like milk but it's a lot better with a lot of coffee mixed in it. May put a big nix on that the first day, made some goofy comment about it stunting my growth. HA! I drank gallons of it when I was a kid then I thought maybe that was why I wasn't growing cuz Simmons was still measuring me and still nothing changed.

But they weren't mad. They just acted like every other breakfast and yesterday was just over but I never wanted to spend another day in that room. I promised me that I was gonna follow every rule until no matter how ridiculous it was until this stupid kid shrinkie-dink plan of Dr. Liu was over. I was so damn scared it wouldn't get fixed. If Fitz-Simmons couldn't fix it, who could? I was even more scared I'd get stuck right here and not ever grow up again, no matter how temporary that quack said this would be.

NIGHT 8 – I made it all day, didn't talk back once or even have a sucky attitude when May wouldn't let me go into town with Yoyo. Fitz let me use the big computer in his lab to watch some goofy movie then I helped him get into a program in some banking agency. He said it was because they were trying to find this Hale person who was causing all kinds of trouble for everyone. The encryption and firewalls were tricky but I didn't lose my touch and it felt good to be able to help again. Fitz said it was good practice and nobody needed to know. I felt kinda bad but he said I wasn't breaking any rules because he asked me to do it and it was something I would have done anyway. I told him about the I.C.E.R. thing and he laughed. He said Davis probably deserved it. I don't think he likes Davis.

No matter what I did all day I couldn't stop thinking about how scared I was. I guess that's what gave me the nightmares. It was a long time since I had a real bad one, the kind that makes me wake up screaming and sweating and breathing so fast I think my heart will just explode. I don't even remember the dream just the screaming. The screaming scares me til I realize it's me doing it and then I can't stop. Sometimes it got so bad I wet the bed and the nuns would get so mad cuz I'd wake all the other kids and then they'd make me do all the laundry before I could go back to bed, not that I'd sleep anymore anyway.

Then May was right there, so was Coulson. She was hugging me and I was letting her and they were both telling me it was okay and it was just a bad dream. Coulson looked so funny with his hair all poking out and his eyes so big but then he was hugging me too and shushing me and telling me he was there and so was May. He looked as scared as I was but May was May. She looked like she did when she was about to kick someone's ass and for a minute I thought she was mad cuz I woke her, but she was just in that protector mode even though the monster was just a dumb kid's nightmare. She hugged me real tight and I whispered in her ear that my bed was kinda wet and she just nodded then told Coulson to go back to bed cuz she would take care of me.

She talked to me while I took another bath and I told her all about being afraid of getting stuck like this and I couldn't stop all the dumb crying. She told me it didn't matter to her cuz she'd take care of me no matter what then she said that things don't happen all at once and if it took the next twenty years for me to grow up that was okay too. I told her I wanted to be me, the real me and she said she understood and we would just take it one day at a time. She said she didn't think Dr. Liu lied to us and reminded me that time moved different in our world than when we were there. She gave me fresh PJ's and put clean sheets on my bed then tucked me in and climbed up next to me. She kissed my head and held me real close then told me it was okay to sleep because she'd keep the nightmares away and we'd figure things out tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.

DAY 12 – I really blew it today, hacked into the main frame and saw the team had a mission. They were off to find that Hale lady before she found them. They wanted to find out why she was so hot to find them. I haven't told anyone but I've been practicing using my little bitty powers. They aren't much but yesterday I managed to knock over a chair, well it was more of a stool but it did fall after a couple tries and that was better than nothing. I really needed to help but I knew they wouldn't let me join them so I just found a great hiding place in the Quinjet. The seats actually rested against the arsenal on one side and there was just enough room for me to slide inside. Yay, another benefit to being this small. It wasn't very comfortable but I was in the plane and on a mission. I even snagged an ear com from control so I could hear everything they were planning. It was kinda big and it fell out a couple times but a band aid fixed that.

I waited for the team to leave when we landed. I never realized they made so much noise getting ready and thanked goodness no one needed anything from the arsenal. When I finally crawled out I almost gave myself away. The pilot was snoring really loud. I always wondered what those guys did just sitting there waiting for the team to come back. It had to be like staying in my bunk, the most boring job on earth. He didn't even have to worry about being seen in that big cloaked jet just setting there. I slipped down the ramp and he didn't even budge when I opened it then let it close automatically. Maybe he just wasn't the guy for the job.

It didn't take long to find the team with the com I stole and the building they infiltrated was not really hidden. I found a window and climbed in really close to where I knew Mack would be. Everybody was checking rooms and I could hear the 'clear' shouts as they did. I thought the place was empty until the shooting started and everyone was in motion. I scrunched under a desk just before two guys ran by with helmets like you wear on a motorcycle. I could still hear everyone talking to one another and Coulson said they were outnumbered. Everything went south a minute later. May and Yoyo were fighting. I could tell by the weird noises they were making and Coulson was telling everyone to get out. Damn it was a trap!

That's when I got stupid and ran out. I just needed to help. I didn't do too bad. I remembered all the moves and since I was so small and the guys had on those dumb helmets they couldn't grab me. I managed to shake a cabinet over on two of them then I ran right into Coulson in the hallway. First he looked really surprised then he got really angry and pushed me behind him while he took about six shots at something I couldn't see. Everybody was yelling and May was swearing because Coulson told them about me. Next thing I knew Davis had my hand and was running with those mile long legs of his. I think I fell six times before he just grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder. I was bouncing so much I thought I would puke all over him but I didn't. He'd probably drop kick me to the jet if I did.

We all made it back to the Quinjet and the pilot was awake. He was sitting there flicking switches and shouting stuff like he'd been listening all along. Then he was taking off before the ramp closed all the way. By that time I was strapped in a seat and just by the look May was giving me I knew I'd better zip it.

Day 12 part 2 - Once we landed everybody got off without saying a word, everybody but May and Coulson. I had so many seat belts snapped over me, I couldn't get up. For a minute I thought they were going to leave me there but Coulson popped all he snaps and just nodded toward the ramp. I thought they'd be yelling but they didn't say anything just started walking and expected me to do the same. I started to tell them why I did what I did but Coulson just looked at me and I stopped.

I thought we were going to the bunk but they went to the base's arsenal and took care of their weapons just like everybody always did. It was important to keep weapons clean and made sure the ammo was taken out. I just sat and watched but they didn't say anything to me or to each other but I could tell they were really mad. I really wished they'd just yell but instead they just went through the motions then nodded toward the door when they were done.

We went back to our bunk then and May just opened my room door and waited for me to go inside then she closed it. I just stared at it for a couple minutes and waited but nothing no yelling and nobody coming it to tell me I pulled another damn stupid stunt. It was so quiet I thought they left but then I heard one of the chairs scratch across the floor. I walked around the room about twenty times trying to figure them out. They really should be in here yelling at me and the more they weren't the worse it got. I just sat down on the floor and started that dumb crying.

That's when May came back. She just stood there and shook her head. I just ran to hug her and tell her five thousand times that I was sorry and please would she just yell at me. She told me she was done yelling.

I don't think I'll sit down til Thursday.

Day 15 – Three quarters of an inch! I grew almost an inch! Since yesterday! Simmons checked three times to be sure and then one more because I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a fluke. I even went back three times during the day to do it again. Still didn't gain an ounce but I grew! I don't know if that's how it's going to happen but it's just great.

Another great…Yoyo showed me a beach about half a mile from the lighthouse. Superior is gigantic and has waves just like the ocean. She says the water is super cold now but promised we could swim once the weather gets better. And if May says it's okay.

She was pretty okay after the Mission incident. She didn't yell but she talked to me for a real long time about being too small to do things like I used to do. She also told me she learned a lot from Fitzwork Melinda and as of right this minute there would be a lot less yelling. She didn't elaborate but I was pretty sure what she meant. I was also pretty sure I was not going to ever think May made idle threats. I must have been out of my mind.

Day 19 – I don't know how to spell screaming or I would because today Davis asked why I wasn't in school. I'm pretty sure he was just being sarcastic or getting back at me for changing the code on his bunk door but he ate all the Thin Mints! Nobody should have even cared about the dumb comment but they started thinking about it and thought it wouldn't be a bad idea. School! They want to send me to school! I hated it the first time…hated it! Then Simmons pointed out that I never really graduated and it probably wouldn't hurt but come on I'd be in what the fourth grade? And where the hell was I gonna go to school? And how and what if I morphed into my real self between math and recess?

I really thought May and Coulson would think the same but they started thinking about it. I told them I didn't forget anything I learned the first time, including everything I learned about S.H.I.E.L.D. in past how many years. Davis told them that maybe I'd stay out of trouble if I had something to do all day. He even said Fitz-Simmons could probably do the teaching. I really was tempted to knock him over but settled for shaking his drink out of his hand and all over his shirt. Since nobody knew I could shake anything nobody suspected but May looked at me like she guessed. I wanted to jump up and cheer when Coulson said Fitz and Simmons had enough to do.

They said they were going to think about it…that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea…that we'd talk about it. Ugh…