DAY 89 Jemma's little dart let me sleep but it didn't stop the dream. The damn thing made me remember it even more. I woke up two times, just sat straight up like I was on a spring. It took a couple minutes to gulp down some breath and wait for my heart to stop trying to bang out of my chest. Then I just laid back down and practiced breathing like May always told me to do when I was upset…all that time ago. That made me think of that Lady Sif jammin' her sword through the cell in the playground basement. But May was there and she was going to…probably get killed trying to keep her away from me. I just kept breathing and thinking about how May talked to me that day until I went back to sleep.
The third time I woke up I did scream but I slapped my hand over my mouth and stopped it. I watched the crack under the door and waited for the light to come on, but it didn't. I tried to calm myself down but this time it just didn't work. I guess the dart was wearing off. I tried real hard not to make any noise but you know May. I didn't even hear her come in and she sure didn't fall for the 'I just had to go to the bathroom' ruse. She stayed with me the rest of the night, just right there next to me. She rubbed my back and told me it would be okay and she hummed that song. I didn't really go to sleep all the way but I wasn't awake all the way either. I guess it was enough for May, but she stayed right there next to me…I felt her get up then I knew it was morning.
Breakfast was weird…quiet…with lots of goofy looks at me and them eye talking at each other. Even being a kid I could still see them doing that. I don't even think they know they do it, they just do. I wanted to sink down under the table and thought about telling them I was going back to bed cuz really I thought now…after half sleeping for hours…I really could go back to sleep. Before I could say anything Coulson got up and said he felt like eggs for breakfast. Then he whipped up a quick omelet that I just picked at until May just gave me the mom look. So I ate, not because I was hungry but because that meant I could get out of there and away from all their weird looks. I figured I'd get dressed and get out because it looked like they were not happy about something…or someone. I was not planning on finding out if that something or someone was me, so I planned to find Fitz or Simmons or Mack or even Davis and get something to do away from them until it blew over.
That did not happen.
May watched me get up and then told me to come back as soon as I changed. She said we needed to talk.
That never means anything good.
When I got back they were sitting on that old crummy couch…and still looking at me real weird. They didn't say anything but, Coulson patted the spot between them and I knew he wanted me to sit there. I picked the matching crummy chair across from them instead. He just smiled at me, kinda funny and rubbed his hand together before he tapped them on his knees. May looked like she was gonna say something. Her eyes got that this is not good look then she got this little smile which was kinda strange, like she really wanted to say something but it was stuck. She never looks like that. It was kinda scary.
Coulson kinda coughed or cleared his throat or something then he said he thought we had to clear the air about some things that we didn't take care of before. May just looked at him and at me with her eyes agreeing and for a minute I kinda understood the eye talk thing. It didn't make it not weird. It kinda made it more weird.
I didn't know what they were talking about or what we didn't take care of or when. I was pretty sure May took care of every little misstep I took since this whole dumb thing started. She didn't miss much, hell she didn't miss anything. Then I wondered if Davis told her about me bouncing around on those rocks the other day. She probably wouldn't like it much and tell me about how I should have known how dangerous it could be but I didn't think it would be this serious.
My head started swimming through every dumb thing I ever did and didn't admit to all the way and a whole lot of things I figured I got away with and probably didn't or shouldn't have when it happened. There was a ton of things I did that I never, EVER would have discussed or even mentioned to them. Most of the stuff that happened after I left and went on my self destruct mission was totally…well, self destructive. It was about as stupid as that battle in the prison that almost ended me. And May was pretty damn mad then. Nobody ever knew but Coulson read me the riot act for a long time after Simmons patched me up. I didn't think he got that mad. May picked up where he left off and I was pretty sure I was not going to hear for a week or more. I never realized your ears could buzz like that. But, they never asked about any of the other dumb stuff I did then and I never volunteered anything but why the hell would that be an issue now. Hell it was like more than a year ago and I thought we were well past it. The stupid stuff I did in and out of the Fitzwork was pretty much taken care of al a Nai Nai's weapon of ass destruction not to mention alternate universe Melinda-Mom's idea of discipline. Hopefully the Wakatta met its fate in the collapse of the Playground. Hell, you don't think May risked her life to snatch the damn thing. Do you? Ha! Anyway, she wouldn't use that thing on a little kid and right now I was that little kid. As far as I could think, in the few seconds they gave me to think, I was pretty sure we'd been over everything that happened since I became the resident shrinkie dink. I couldn't figure out what they thought we still needed to clear up…or why.
I started getting nervous and kinda jumpy. My mouth was getting dry and I had that 'you better get out of there' feeling. It was creepy that I could feel them looking at me. I asked if I was in trouble and started apologizing for things I even just thought about doing. May looked surprised if that is even possible for her and Coulson shook his head. He said it wasn't about anything I did on my own. May had that eyebrow up like she was expecting me to confess some crazy stunt that would earn me a couple zingers. Then Coulson said we all needed to take a breath. So I took a big one because this did not look like it was gonna turn out very good.
That's when May asked me about the bad dreams again and I thought we changed the subject. I told them I used to have lots of bad dreams and maybe being stuck in a kid's body woke them up. May said I knew that wasn't what she meant. I shrugged and mumbled that I didn't remember them and they'd just go away like always. I decided to look at my fingers instead of Coulson and May. She asked if I was sure about that and I just shrugged again which is dumb with May because she insists answers should be verbal. Before I could do that Coulson said that Jemma told them I did remember and that was okay.
I shook my head and said there was really nothing to talk about if Jemma told them already. May got up and moved over to squeeze in the chair with me. She said Jemma didn't tell them everything but maybe I should. I shook my head again and this time she put her arm around me. She said I really needed to talk about it and we weren't going anywhere until I did. There was no way out of this so I told them about the big house and all the rooms and not getting out and somebody trying to keep me there, just grabbing me. I told them both I was sorry for punching and kicking them but it was weird because even while I was saying it I wasn't really sorry and I didn't know why. I was pretty sure they could tell I was lying even though I really wanted to be sorry. I told them again I had lots of bad dreams when I was a real kid and maybe my head was all confused and thought it was back at St. Agnes. That big weird house didn't look anything like St. Agnes but dreams make things all weird.
Coulson moved to the edge of the couch like he was gonna get up but he just leaned closer and said that Simmons said sometimes dreams mean more than something we saw for real and that sometimes people's heads turn feelings into real things in dreams. He told me when he was a kid he shoplifted on a dare. It wasn't even something he wanted to do but some other kids just kept at him. He told me he had dreams about a big snarly dog chasing him in the dark for weeks until he told his mom and took the dumb thing back to the store and confessed.
I shook my head and said I didn't take anything from anybody. I looked May right in the eye and said I didn't steal anything. I wanted to jump up but she said she knew I didn't steal anything but maybe I didn't tell them the whole truth. I didn't know what they thought I was lying about. Then Coulson said something like that might be what was giving me my nightmares. Damn, I had a million demons to give me a billion nightmares but I couldn't tell which one was doing what…so I just shook my head and told them I didn't want to talk about it anymore. May said I might feel better if I did and I almost laughed. Like May telling me it would be good to talk about it, yeah right.
Coulson said okay we didn't need to talk about nightmares. We could talk about that night about a week ago when I ran away instead. I got real confused then because I was pretty sure that whole thing was over. And how the hell did we get from nightmares to trying to run away. Trying to, not really running away. I didn't run away…just almost did or didn't all the way or changed my mind or something, but I did not run away. Although, I did do some dopey things while I was almost running away. Now I was getting real itchy about getting up and getting out of this whole crazy conversation.
I looked right at May again and said she told me it was over but Coulson said maybe we didn't get everything ironed out. I said there was nothing else. I told them everything that happened that night. I started to wriggle off the chair but May pulled me back and said that she didn't think I told them everything about how I felt. Another almost laugh cuz May and feelings don't really go together. I mean she was different when she was being all mom-ish, but she wasn't really a feely-meely kinda person. This was getting too weird.
Soooooo….
I told sorry again for all the dumb things I did and promised not to do it again. I said I kept my promise and even helped to fix the stuff I broke. They said they knew that and they really didn't want me to say I was sorry. They knew I was sorry. They were sorry too and we really needed to talk about it.
I think my head started forgetting it was really grown up because I started to get that hot, sick feeling that came whenever the social worker sat me down to tell me I was getting kicked out of another foster home. Well, she never really had to say so because if she was stopping to say 'hello' it meant 'bye-bye' to me. It always gave me a prickly feeling all over like my breath wouldn't come fast enough and it was hard to swallow and my mouth felt all dry all because I refused to cry. I just scrunched up my fists and tried not to be sick while my bag got packed and left without even saying so long or good-bye or whatever. I hated that feeling and now it was back, like it was crawling all over me.
This time I did get up and pulled away before May could pull me back, but she grabbed my hand and I yelled this time that I didn't want to talk about it. Even though May was grabbing my hand and trying to hold on to me I was yelling that there was nothing to talk about. It was nothing and dreams were just dreams and I just wouldn't dream anymore. May say that wasn't possible. It wasn't something I could control. Coulson grabbed my other hand and said maybe that was the problem but I kept saying no and trying to pull away and all those feelings were just getting worse and I was pulling so hard I almost fell over. Then I was screaming that he had to let me go. They both had to let me go. I was just screaming, let me go, just let me go and they were both saying they couldn't do that.
AS IT HAPPENED:
"Let go…just let me go…" Daisy shrieked as she tried to wriggle her wrist out of Coulson's grip. She pulled the other hand free and held it away from May's reach.
Coulson spoke calmly, despite the little girl's panic. "I can't do that, Daisy. We won't that."
Daisy uselessly pried at her father's fingers, desperately trying to release his hold on her. Tears fell freely as she attempted to contain her sobs. "Yes, you can…" she pressed her lips together holding in her words and straining to escape. May wrapped her arms around the girl's shoulders but Daisy jumped away, pushing her free hand against May's chest.
The little girl stopped for a moment and drew a deep breath. Her brow furrowed as she screamed. "YOU CAN LET GO…YOU CAN…YOU ALREADY DID…YOU DID LET GO…YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T BUT YOU DID…YOU DID LET GO…JUST LET. ME. GO!"
Daisy wasn't even sure where that came from or why she was so angry but the memory of being alone in that bunk…with no one…no explanation or…or anything…was overwhelming. The memory that brought back all the hurt and the loss and the rejection boiled to the surface. There was no stopping it, no matter how much she wanted. They said they were her real parents. They said they would never leave her. They couldn't send her back. They said they were family. They said forever. They said never. They promised. They lied.
"You lied!" Daisy snarled through clenched teeth and a flood of tears. She pulled at Coulson's fingers and looked from him to May then back. "You lied…you both lied." She let out a frustrated gasp. She suddenly stopped and tried to catch her breath. "You just threw me away like everyone else." A new flood of tears kept her from saying more but not from pulling away. "You don't care…you don't...let go of me." She growled, pulling valiantly against Coulson's grip. The girl leaned back so far that if he did let go she would fall back and away.
Coulson held tightly with one hand and raised the other in surrender. He looked directly at the panicking child. "Okay, angel…okay…"
"Don't call me that!" Daisy shrieked, stomping a small foot and sending several books on a nearby shelf to the floor.
Coulson nodded his understanding. "Okay," he began slowly, "but first we make a deal." He waited a moment as May moved to his side. Daisy continued to struggle, leaning back further. The room vibrated with her emotion. The girl's grunts and squeaks continued as she struggled. "Daisy?" He spoke quietly, but firmly. She did not respond but he continued.
"I can't let go until you stop pulling and I need you to try to control the shaking. We don't want you to hurt yourself." Still Daisy struggled to free herself. "Daisy?" He tried again, quieter, calmer. Slowly, he loosened his grip on her wrist. Just as slowly she stopped struggling, still leaning back at an almost forty-five degree angle.
Coulson waited another few seconds. "Deal?" he asked again.
She gave a quick nod and relaxed her stance. Coulson gently pulled her forward then released her. Immediately, the little girl jumped back out of his reach. For a moment no one spoke. Daisy's sniffly sobs were the only sound.
"Daisy…" Coulson broke the silence.
"You lied," she said again. "You both lied!" Daisy's voice rose as the tears fell faster. "You said you were my real parents and you would never send me away but you did. You just left me…sent me away and didn't even care…"
"Bao bao, we do care and we made a terrible mistake…" May started, struggling to contain her own emotion.
"You didn't even come to say goodnight and you took Ling-a-ling and nobody….and I kept asking and they said you were too busy and…"
May brushed away an errant tear. "We made a mistake…"
"I'm the mistake!" Daisy slammed her fist against her chest.
"No, baobei," May reached for the little girl but she jumped back, shaking her head. May held up both hands. "No, Daisy, never, you were never a mistake."
"Fitz and Simmons had a theory." Coulson started to explain. "They thought if we treated you like an adult maybe it would trigger something and everything would go back to normal."
"It was a stupid theory." May growled.
"But you did it anyway and you just left me." Daisy sobbed then paused for a moment. "Why didn't you come for me? I kept asking and asking and crying and begging but you didn't come. You didn't come!" She cried harder. "You just lied like everyone always lies."
"No, Daisy, no…" Coulson spoke. "We were never far away and…"
"I was with you all night. I would never leave you, baobei." May finished.
Daisy paused and looked from one to the other. She drew a breath. "You…you knew and you just let me be so upset. You didn't come even…even when you knew?" She was close to hysteria.
Coulson and May exchanged glances. What could they say? How could they answer? May was right it was a stupid idea and in their child's eyes it was the ultimate betrayal. They had promised and then played into her worst nightmare. They created the nightmare their child was reliving night after night.
Coulson slid to his knees to be on the little girl's level holding his hands up to show her he would try to hold on to her.. "You're right. We made a terrible error in judgment, Daisy." He smiled a sad smile. "Parents do that. They think they're helping and end up making things worse. Kids don't come with directions. It's not like May and I have a lot of experience and we really blew this one, big time." He looked to May who nodded in agreement then continued. "But, kiddo we never stopped loving you, we never will and it broke out hearts to see you like that. We wanted to help and ended up hurting you…"
Daisy hiccoughed through her sobs. "You didn't come…" she whispered softly, blinking tears from her lashes. "You left me like all the others…just like they all did…"
Coulson exhaled as his chin dropped. "We did…" he simply stated as May swallowed a sob behind him.
A moment later Daisy plowed into him, small fists slamming against his chest and shoulders. "I hate you!" She shrieked in anger. "I hate you. I hate you." He did nothing to stop her. "You lied and I hate you." She struck him repeatedly.
May moved closer, kneeling at Coulson's side. Daisy swung out at her landing a small fist against her chin as she continued to exhaust her anger. It subsided slowly and she dissolved into sobbing as she wrapped her arms around Coulson's neck, shaking her head. Exhausted she fell against him, burying her face in his chest.
"I don't…I don't hate you ever, not ever." She sobbed hard. "I love you Coulson…dad. I'm sorry…sorry."
He wrapped her arms around her, pulling her close and kissed her temple. "No, angel, no, I'm sorry." He whispered close to her ear.
May wrapped her arms around them both. "We're both sorry, baobei." She kissed the back of the little girl's head.
Daisy turned to May and pulled one arm around her. "Wo ai ni, mama." She sobbed. "Zǒng shì."
May pulled the little girl into her arms shushing her softly. "Yes, baobei. I love you, always." She sat back on her legs gently rocking the small child into comfort.
"Am I in trouble now?" Daisy asked softly.
Coulson held his little girl's hand and kiss her fingers. "No, angel. I think we're going to okay."
"But…but I was so angry and said…" Daisy spoke through her ebbing sobs.
"It's okay to be angry with us, Daisy." May interrupted and assured her. "You should be. You have a right to be. It will never change the way we feel about you. You should have told us sooner. We should have let you."
"I was afraid." Daisy sobbed into their group hug as Coulson pulled them all to the couch. "I was afraid you'd send me away again."
May pulled her little girl into her own bear hug. "No, baobei, never again. We will never ever do something so stupid again."
Daisy snuggled into her mother's embrace as Coulson pulled his girls closer. For a few moments they sat together, recovered together.
"You know, Mack and Fitz have been working some secret project for a certain agent turned kid. I think maybe we should take the day and find out what they're up to." He smiled down at the little girl as he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped her tears. "And I think the weather's clear enough for that late night star gazing picnic up on the catwalk you've been talking about for weeks."
Daisy looked up at May who gave a quick nod. For a moment the little girl smiled then sat back with a pensive look. She glanced up at both parents then down at her fingers. Taking a quick breath she mumbled, "I didn't mean it." She shook her head. "I never could…hate you I mean…"
May hugged her tighter and smiled. "We know that, baobei."
DAY 89 continued
After all the screaming we did talk. I was pretty sure they'd be mad cuz I went all wild and said I hated then but they said it was okay. It's okay to be mad and when you say you hate somebody it really means you're really, REALLY mad and don't know what else to say to let them know how mad you are. Coulson said it would be better if we talk about it.
Fitz and Simmons had a real dumb idea but they were really trying to help. I guess I should be mad at them too but I don't feel like yelling anymore and Jemma would probably really cry if I said I hated her and that would make me feel like a rotten rat. Coulson said we could talk and I could tell them their idea was super stupid. He said I should tell them how mad it made me. He said he was pretty sure they would understand. He told me that May already told them how mad it made her. She yelled at them for a long time. She yelled so much they didn't get to talk and then she told them to stop trying to fix me. She said one way or the other things would be okay and she and Coulson didn't mind having me like this for while. I guess I never thought about that. They were getting to be my parents, not like in Fitz's program but for real. Coulson said Fitz and Simmons were geniuses but sometimes that meant they were dumb about simple stuff, especially this time.
Anyway now we're going to find Fitz and Mack. They won't tell me what they've been working on but it makes them smile. I like when they smile like that.
I can't wait to see what it is…both the little me and the big me…
