"Hija?"
I flip over on my bed and shove my face into my pillow. It still smells like Brittany.
"Hija! Come out for dinner!" My mother calls. I ignore her, and watch her shadow under the door. Finally, she leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief. Ever since I got home from Cheerios practice I've been hiding out in my room, forcing myself to just think. Mostly I've just been beating myself up about being such a bitch all afternoon. I've totally been avoiding Brittany, and for what? I need her more than ever now. I think it's because I'm scared. Scared of facing what singing that song with her in glee club really means. But why am I so scared? Dating Brittany publicly has been my dream since… well forever. I know my friends will support me whatever I choose. I'm 99% my parents will be okay with me being a… lesbian. I sigh, that word feels so right. My abuela on the other hand… she will flip. She'll probably ban me from ever seeing her again. And I love my abuela so much, I don't know if I could handle her not being in my life. But do I love Brittany more?
"Urgggh," I groan, flipping on my side. I stare at a picture of Brittany and I at some carnival, holding hands and making silly faces into the camera. Brittany has butterflies painted on her face, and I'm painted to be a tiger. More tears spill out of my eyes. I really do love that girl, but is she worth the risk? Is she worth the stares and the mean comments? Is she worth being automatically hated by most of the world just because I love her?
I can't keep just thinking in circles, I need someone to help me untangle my thoughts. Normally I would call Brittany, but not this time. This time I need my other best friend, my girl who is never afraid to say her opinion, I know she'll give me the straight up truth.
I dial her number and let it ring for a minute.
"What up bitch?" she says.
"Could you come over?"
A few minutes later my door opens and Quinn rushes into the room. "Santana? Are you all right, oh god please tell me you're alive."
I stand up from my desk chair so Quinn can see me. "I'm right here Q, why wouldn't I be alive?"
Quinn puts a hand over her heart, and sighs, "Oh phew, I was just reading all these articles about teens who took their own life because they were too scared to face who they really were, and I started panicking when you called me and said, 'Could you come over? I need help. Come quick or it might be too late.'"
I smile, "Sorry, I was just being dramatic, you know me. And I would never hurt myself, but what do you mean 'who they really were'?"
Quinn raises her eyebrow at me and sits down on my bed. "So we're just going to ignore it?"
"Ignore what?"
"Saantana," she groans, rolling her eyes, "Ignore that you're in love with Brittany?"
I blush and look down at my hands. "Oh. That. I didn't know you knew?"
Quinn laughs, "Girl, I knew before you did. When you sang with her and Mrs. Holiday today I was so excited! I thought you were finally going to stand up like a real woman and face the fact that you. Are. in. love. With. Ms. Pierce. And not just like, high school in love, I mean like super-duper-head-over-heels-completely-whipped kind of in love."
I blush again, but also let out a little giggle, "I didn't know it was that obvious."
Quinn smiles at me, "Very obvious. Honestly Santana, I think everyone really close to you knows already. If you're ready to come out completely, I'm sure nothing would change too dramatically. You know all us gleeks would support you, and anyone who doesn't isn't a real friend anyway, so it shouldn't matter if they accept you or not."
I blink away the tears and move to Quinn's side. She puts her arm around me and I lean into her. "My abuela…"
"Ah," she says, "Screw that old fart. If she doesn't love you for you then she doesn't deserve you."
I laugh through my tears, "Thanks Q," I say, "But it does matter to me. I love Abeula, I don't want her to hate me."
Quinn takes my hands and kneels in front of me, forcing me to look her in the eye. "Santana, do you love Brittany?"
"Yes."
"How much?"
"A lot."
"What would you do for her?"
"Anything."
"Then there you go, think that over, tonight decide what you're going to do, talk to her tomorrow, and remember that no matter what happens, I love you. Mr Shue loves you. Rachel loves you. Finn loves you. Kurt loves you. Blaine loves you. Mercedes loves you. Tina loves you."
I start to giggle. Quinn continues. "Mike loves you. Sam loves you. Artie loves you. Puck loves you."
I laugh, "Ok Quinn, I get it."
"Shh," she shushes me. "Let me continue."
I roll my eyes, but smile.
"Most importantly," she says, "Brittany loves you. That may be the one thing in the world that I'm 100% sure about. So you have nothing to worry about."
I laugh again and wipe away my tears. "I love you too Tubbers." I give Quinn a big, rare, hug.
Quinn smiles softly at me. "Wanna watch The Vampire Diaries?"
"Absolutely."
As I find the movie Quinn looks around at my room. "I haven't been here in a while,"she says.
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"It was always kind of the three of us at school, but the three of us rarely hang out outside of school. Mostly it was you and Brittany, or me and you."
"Britt does come here a lot, we'll include you more in the future," I say, sliding the movie into the Dvd player and hitting play. Quinn's eyebrows shoot up and she gasps. "No! No no you don't have to do that. I don't need to be here when you two do… whatever you two do."
"What are you talking about?" I exclaim, half laughing half surprised.
Quinn looks at me, "You talk in your sleep Santana, I know all too well what goes on between you and Brittany when you're alone, I'm more than happy to let you two do that alone."
The next morning I'm silent as I eat my breakfast. My mother looks at me, concerned. The last time she saw me was last afternoon, running into my room and slamming the door. When she drives me to school, I stare out the window, not moving a muscle. As I'm getting out of the car, she grabs my arm.
"Mija," she says lovingly, "I love you so much."
How does she always know exactly what to say? "Yo también te amo, mama."
The first period flies by, I can't concentrate on anything, and I never responded the first time I was called on.
After the first period, I rush off to find Brittany. She is waiting by our lockers, a book in hand. I take a huge breath, before walking up to her.
"Hi," I say. She turns to me. "Can we talk?"
"But we never do that," she says. She's still mad that I ignored her yesterday, I can tell.
"Yeah I know but, I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in glee club," I say. Brittany nods, tilting her head a little to look into my eyes, "Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking," I continue. "What I've realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time," I breathe out of my nostrils and cross my arms, "I'm a bitch because I'm angry. Angry because I have all of these feelings," I look around to make sure no one is eavesdropping, "Feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with. Because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences." My voice cracks, Brittany doesn't say anything, she just looks at me. "And Brittany, I can't go to an indigo girls concert, I just can't."
She nods, "I understand that," she says.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?" I ask.
"No, not really."
I sigh, and look around again. Here I go, "I wanna be with you. But I'm afraid of the talks, and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school."
Brittany tilts her head and looks at me, I can't help but think about how adorable she looks. "But honey," she says, "If anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass, or slash them with your vicious, vicious words."
She really doesn't get it. Here come the tears. "Yeah I know but," I sniffle, "I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that, I love you."
My voice wobbles and cracks, and the tears slide down my face, but still. I said the words.
"I love you, and I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you." I look into Brittany's eyes. She's staring sadly at my face. "Please say you love me back," I beg, "Please."
"Of course I love you," she says. Her words should make me feel better, but I know Brittany almost as well as I know myself, so I know there's something she's not saying. "I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie."
"Artie?!"
"I love him too, I don't want to hurt him, that's not right I can't break up with him."
Artie? I'm shocked. I did everything she wanted, I talked to someone, I talked to her, I sang with her, and for what? Now here I am breaking down every last wall that's been guarding my emotions for the past ten years, and she's turning me down? "Yes you can! He's just s stupid boy!"
"But it wouldn't be right."
I feel betrayed, angry, I was her second choice.
"Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single," she reaches for my arm, I pull away. "I am SO yours." I can't look at her. "Proudly so."
"Yeah, wow. Who ever thought that being fluid meant that you could be so stuck." I start really crying now, Brittany looks at me sympathetically, it only makes me more mad.
"I'm sorry," she says again, she moves in for a hug.
"Get off me!" I exclaim, pushing Brittany's hands away. It was the only time I had ever rejected her. I turn around and storm down the hallway, desperately trying to wipe away my tears and regain my composure. I see Quinn by her locker, pulling out books and chatting to Rachel. She sees me coming and her expression changes. She says something to Berry and Rachel walks away.
Quinn sets her books down and opens her arms. I walk into them, and another round of sobs escape me.
"Did you…?" Quinn asks.
"Yeah," I sniffle.
"And she said…"
"No. She said no."
Quinn kisses my cheek, normally I would make fun of her for going all lezzy on me, but it's really not the time. "Santana," she says, "I'm so so sorry, I literally had no doubt in my mind that she would say she loved you back."
I wipe my eyes. "She did say she loved me back. She just loves Artie more."
Quinn makes the most hilarious, confused, appalled, and disgusted face ever, I have to laugh. "Artie Abrams? That Artie?!"
"Yeah," I say, laughing through my tears, "That Artie."
Quinn shakes her head, "Gag me. Seriously Santana, there is no way that will last. Soon enough Brittany will come running into your beautiful arms."
I smile, "Take it easy Q, you're with Finn remember?"
Quinn giggles, "But seriously San, before you know it you two will be married with little children running around."
This lets loose another waterfall, it's just so perfect. It's my dream, and I've never felt so far from it. Quinn rubs my arm and mutters soothing words to me.
My eyes find Brittany, she's walking down the hallway towards us. She better not come try to talk to us. She doesn't, she walks past us, eyeing me sadly. I realize how I must look, blubbering and sobbing to Quinn. I would pity myself too. She doesn't get to pity me though, she did this to me, she better deal with it. As she walks past, I glare at her.
I glare at Brittany S. Pierce.
You guuysss! I'm almost done with the story, I still have no idea what I'm going to do for my last chapter, because technically the episode ends there for Brittana, but I'll figure something out! Please review and favorite and follow or whatever!
