Author's Note: Hey everyone, not a super happy author's note this time, but just wanted to give you a heads up that there may not be an update next Sunday. My writing is dragging its feet, and I'd rather wait another week and get you all a quality chapter rather than have a miserable week scrounging together a terrible chapter and then throwing it out there. I think I've burnt myself out a little, but I'm fairly confident that my mojo will come back soon.
NO WORRIES THOUGH, I won't be disappearing offline, so nobody panic! I'll be around on Tumblr, so make sure you come say hi to me under the username SugarRosFanfiction!
On that note, I hope you all enjoy the Chapter! I can't believe this thing has gotten to 40 chapters, that's crazy! Definitely a milestone for sure! Thank you to everyone for sticking with me!
Awesome Betas: Penthesileia, Not_Towa_Wakasa
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Chapter 40: Standstill
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Sango
A breeze cut through the forest opening, crisp and cool, bringing with it fallen amber leaves and pine needles. It swept through the grass and wildflowers, losing speed before reaching Sango's long black hair.
Sango felt it sweep through her bangs, a chill against her skin. Fall was fully underway, and the season assaulted her senses in a way it never did back home. She'd never been so far out into the woods in autumn. She was usually in school, getting ready for the short winter break, making hot cocoa and enjoying evening fires with her family in their living room.
She cracked the front door of Kaede's house open just a bit wider. The porch was long, it wrapped around the corner and off to the side. Kaede sat a few feet to her left, in an old rocking chair. It creaked every time she moved forward and groaned every time she moved back. Her eyes were trained on the open field that sprawled out from the porch as her fingers moved almost impossibly quick, weaving thin, moldable sticks into a basket.
Sango watched her from the door. She was hesitant to approach her due to the way she'd lashed out at the old woman. Sango knew her anger ran deep, but she also knew that it wasn't Kaede's fault. No matter what she said about Inuyasha, she had taken Sango into her home. She had healed her, pulled her back from the edge of death. She had fed and bathed and clothed her. And now that Sango was given a bit of time to pull herself together, she wanted to thank her again - this time without the attitude.
By this point, Sango had been up against youkai and evil witches - so why was a simple human so hard for her to approach?
"Come, child. You'll let all the cold air in," Kaede said without any glance her way.
Sango's back stiffened in surprise. Kaede was sharp for her age. "Sorry." Sango stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind her.
"No apology necessary. I was going to give you all the time you required to watch me, but even this old woman can lose patience." She turned to catch Sango's eye as she approached. Clear and black and warm.
With all the inhuman creatures Sango was running into, it was hard not to think of Kaede as inhuman herself. She had to tread lightly - not everyone she met was going to be something supernatural. It was harder to stay grounded, to remember, but what other ties to her own rapidly-diminishing-humanity did she have left? Not many.
Kaede patted a short stool to her left, a signal for Sango to sit. Then her hands returned to her weaving.
"I didn't want to bother you. You looked peaceful." Sango's words awarded her a smile from Kaede.
"After all this time here on earth, I can be nothing but peaceful."
She's got to be in her eighties, at least, Sango thought, making herself as comfortable as possible on the stool. It was a long time for someone to live, but with her sharp eyes and even sharper mind, Kaede would surely be one of those women to live into their early one-hundreds.
"You look troubled, dear."
Sango frowned. Did she? She tried her best to keep her conflicted mind from reflecting on her face, but maybe at this point it was impossible. "I'm not troubled," she lied. It was becoming easier to. "I just don't know where to start."
"You wanted to speak with me, I take it."
"I wanted to… apologize," she finally admitted, her gaze cemented to Kaede's quick hands. "You didn't have to take me and Hojou in when we were brought to you, practically dead. We caused a lot of trouble for you. I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you when I woke up. I was - I am - angry, and I took some of that anger out on you."
Kaede's hands stopped moving, her eyes soft and gentile.
Who is this woman? Sango wondered. There's something… exceptional about her…
For a few moments Kaede didn't speak, her hands resting in her lap, her eyes taking Sango in, reading her, possibly. Then, finally, "I never had any children of my own, you know," she said.
Sango stayed silent. It felt like every word Kaede spoke was special, like she should listen especially carefully to her words.
"I grew up in a time where once past a certain age, marriage was no longer a viable option. Even older widowers would not take me as a wife. I was fine with it, mind you. My love for my sister was what I considered to be important. Our parents died very young, and although my sister was the elder of us two, I was more of one to take care of house and home. I promised them to look after her." Kaede began her rocking again.
"You must understand that my sister was special. She received very specific training, and she was to remain pure due to that training. Still, despite the effort of looking after my sister, she never quite looked at me as family." Her smile turned at the corners, bringing with it the wrinkles that carved deep into her skin. "Once I became of age, she had decided to travel across the land to continue her studies. I was not permitted to join her. At twenty-five I was left to my own, and to the men of my village, I was decrepit and useless for my time. But I was proficient in healing, in medicinal herbs and in the ways of a priestess. So I had some worth to my village. I had worth in my old age, despite never having children of my own."
Her smile slowly faded, her eyes far away. "I very much failed my sister the day I allowed her to walk away from our home. I was a busy woman, taking care of a village to fill the void a lack of family left. I was not there for her the way I should have been. And she died because of it."
Sango's chest tightened. The similarity between Kaede and her sister and Sango and her brother hit too close to home. Although there had to be a way for Sango to get Kohaku back, it was terrifying to think that her brother could easily end up the same - lost and possibly dead. Her eyes, now worried and sick for her brother, darted to her feet.
"I tell you this not because I want you to feel sadness for my life. I have lived long. Too long. But I would like to impress upon you that every lost soul that comes to seek me out, every child that is in need of healing or comfort, they are all my family. Every one of them." She reached out her hand, lifting Sango's chin in an effort to catch her eyes again, "Kagome was one such child. Hojou was one such child. And you. You are my child, too."
"That is very kind of you," Sango said.
"I am making amends. What I could not do for my sister, I hope to do to all those who cross my path. I cannot do much else, what with how decrepit this body has become." She lifted her hand, turning it so the mid-afternoon light pierced through the leathery, paper-thin skin.
"You must have made up for any mistakes you've made in the past by now. Just by saving my life, you've made up for everything haven't you?"
"I am afraid it is not so simple."
"Your sister's death and my life. It seems simple to me."
"You misunderstand me, child. My sister still roams this earth."
Sango cocked her head to the side. "You said you couldn't save her."
"Aye, I could not."
"But then-"
"There are things worse than death. At least than what we perceive as death. My sister is dead in the way that she is no longer who she used to be."
Sango frowned, trying to follow along with the old woman's reasoning. "So like… drugs?" she asked.
That earned her a small laugh. "If only it were so simple. No, mind-alteration was not the cause of her disarray. T'was magic."
Magic. Magic like Inuyasha used. Magic like the witch used. Was it possible? Could it be that Kaede's sister…
"Kaede… did Kikyou… did that witch get to your sister also? Like she got to my brother?" It made so much sense. It was the connection that would cause Inuyasha to bring them to Kaede in the first place. It made sense that Kaede would be willing to heal and house them with the shared hate they harbored towards her.
"You will not like my answer," her voice was a whisper, yet her gaze steady and strong. "Kikyou did not possess my sister. Kikyou is my sister."
Sango's world closed in around her. The words were molasses, churning slowly in her brain. "That's… impossible," she breathed, her hand coming up to press against her chest. She couldn't get enough air. "She looks young, but Kikyou is old. She's old-old. She's impossibly… old…" her voice trailed off as her eyes again met Kaede's.
"My sister as she is now is vengeful, as I am sure you discovered so when meeting her face-to-face. I did not escape her lust for revenge. I am not simply an old woman."
"She cursed you."
"Aye. I am cursed."
"And my brother…" it had started to bubble up inside her again, the anger.
"My sister has not softened with her age as I have. I was not surprised to hear that she has moved on to using humans to achieve her goal."
"Why aren't you fighting her? Why aren't you using your own magic to take her out?" She could hear the tone in her voice changing, couldn't do anything to stop it.
"How do you think one such as I possess magic in the first place? When my sister cursed me, she also opened up the path for me to draw magic from her powers. The magic that my sister draws upon, the magic that she used to curse me is the very same that enabled me to save your life."
It made Sango sick, the thought that Kikyou was the cause of her life, that she had anything do with her healing. But she couldn't discount Kaede's words. She was right. The very magic she hated had saved her life.
"Inuyasha came to me with Kagome because he knew I would be able to help her. He knew that I am a safe haven from my sister. Once he decided to save your life, he knew that I would help him do so." She reached out a hand and wrapped it tightly around Sango's wrist. "I will not lecture you on how I feel you must live your life, but your anger is powerful. It is overwhelming. It will consume you if you do not control it. And if your brother is now your main concern, if saving him is your goal, your friends will be the ones to help you."
Sango shifted as Kaede released her arm, uncomfortable on the wooden stool. Friends. The amount of people she could count on her hand that fit that description was slowly dwindling.
"I think Hojou might be my only friend," she admitted out loud, feeling her honestly heavy in her stomach.
"Is he, now?" she could hear amusement seep into the old woman's words. "Your friends are those who will not abandon you, even in the most dire of circumstances. True friends don't come along so often. From what I have managed to gather from all of you, there has been much that has happened to all of you, with little to no time to discuss how you all perceive what is happening. Don't be so quick to discount your friends until you have a moment to breathe and discuss where each of you are coming from. I take it you have not sat down and listened to how she feels about everything."
Not really. Not since before she and Hojou had hatched their plan of turning Inuyasha in. And even then, with Hojou in the room, listening… Kagome hadn't been able to truly speak her mind.
Kaede was right - Sango's anger had been so strong and consistent, eating away at her, that she'd been almost blind to almost everything else.
But still... the magic…
"Kaede, you said you draw on Kikyou's power when you use magic. Inuyasha's magic must be the same, right?"
"Aye. It is Kikyou's spell that opens the path for Inuyasha to draw his magic from."
"You use your magic to heal people, but are you able to use it to make people… do your bidding?"
She seemed to think it over, as if the idea had never occurred to her before. "I suppose it would be possible," she finally admitted.
"You keep telling me that Inuyasha isn't my enemy, that I should trust him, but I've been suspicious since I first met him that he's spelling Kagome to do what he says. I've seen him do it to people before, and... she changed after she met him. I was there when she pulled him out of the mirror for the second time, and the way she looked at him… I've never seen anything like it."
"Ah. I see where your thoughts are headed."
"He must be spelling her."
Kaede's hands stilled on her lap again. "Kagome is not being spelled."
"How can you be so sure? If it's possible…"
"Your friend is not under entrapment. Not as you are speaking of it." She turned to Sango, wide eyes understanding and wise. "It should be obvious to you that she is in love."
Sango opened her mouth to protest, then snapped it shut. She hadn't wanted to think it before, because she hated the idea of it. But as Kaede spoke it, she felt that it was true.
...She didn't know which was worse.
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Sango doubled-over, out of breath, her perspiration soaked into her training clothes. She dropped to her knees, her legs shaking. Drops of sweat fell from her bangs and splashed onto the dirt, each spot a stark reminder of how out of shape she was.
It hadn't been that long since she'd last trained. Although she knew her close brush with death would cause her some setbacks, it was still a shock how weak she felt.
Hojou's feet appeared in her line of vision and she sat back on her heels, raising her chin to look up at him.
He was sweating too, although frustratingly not as much as she was. He slicked his bangs back from his face, kind eyes smiling down at her. "Not bad," he said.
Sango exhaled sharply. "You're kidding, right? I can barely keep up with you."
"That's to be expected, isn't it?" he asked, his shrug nonchalant as if it were no big deal. "You almost died." He reached his hand out, an attempt to help her up. "It's okay to be weak sometimes."
"You almost died too," she spat and slapped his offering away. She twisted at her torso, her hands supporting her weight in the dirt as she stretched out her foot and swept his legs out from under him.
"Wha-!" he cried, falling butt-first onto the ground, his breath escaping from his lungs. His eyes blinked, wide and startled.
Sango grinned. "Who's weak now?"
"Wrong use of words, obviously," he muttered, but that same smile returned to his face. "I'm actually impressed. I thought your legs would have taken longer to heal. Yet here you are now, sweeping me."
She kept her own smile in place, kept her eyes soft although her heart thumped heavy and fast in her chest. "Lucky, I guess," was all she managed to say without giving herself away.
"I'll say," Hojou continued, blissfully unaware of her inner struggle.
Which is a good thing, she reaffirmed.
"It's really great that you're healing so fast. It just means we can head out sooner rather than later to catch up with Kagome. It'll be good to see her again."
Sango couldn't help her frown this time, couldn't help the shake of her head in disbelief. "Hojou, are you still… I mean, what makes you so sure Kagome wants us to follow her?"
He glanced at her quizzically, "Why wouldn't she? She's my girlfriend. She's your best friend."
Sango bent her knees, wrapping her arms around them, her shoulders relaxing into the position. "Aren't you mad at her? Even a little bit?"
Hojou's eyes scanned the forest clearing, his head turning away from her for a moment before returning. His smile was gone, his expression thoughtful. "I can't lie and say I'm happy about what's happened so far, but I don't think she is either. None of us are. But Sango, you've just discovered the existence of youkai. Kagome too. That wasn't the case for me. I was far more… prepared when you called me. I've known about the existence of youkai since I could learn to read."
"You've never told me about how you fit into this whole slayer thing."
His grin returned, flashed across his face for only a moment. "It's not like we had much time to chat about it," he said, "but yeah, I understand how youkai work. I've been battling them since…" he paused, thinking back, "middle school. Granted, most of them don't have access to magic. That was a new one for me. But I understand how youkai can come across to humans who aren't trained to figure out how they're being played. Humans tend to be tricked fairly easily by them. It doesn't help that they can be incredibly beautiful creatures."
"That's pretty open of you, to describe Inuyasha as beautiful."
He shrugged again, "Isn't he? It's just the way they are sometimes. Kagome's human. She's reacting in a way that humans do to youkai. Getting her away from him, creating space between them, she'll be thinking clearly again. The hardest part is going to be convincing her to actually leave his side. We didn't do such a good job of that last time."
"I still can't believe you're not angry at her. Or at least, at the situation."
Hojou sat up and began to absentmindedly pull at the grass under him. "Everything in life is complicated, isn't it? Our current situation isn't any different. Although it's not good for her to be hanging around Inuyasha, we can't really ignore the fact that he came back for us. He pulled us out of that attic, bloodied and almost dead. He spent time and energy healing us. For a youkai, especially half of one, he's not completely evil. He's got some humanness in him."
It was annoying, that he seemed to be taking it all in stride. She wished for a moment that she was more like him.
"We have to rethink our strategy," he continued, "and I think that should include the jewel."
Hojou wasn't looking at her, and she took a moment to close her eyes, to still her pounding heart. He doesn't know about the shard in your back, she reassured herself, don't give yourself away.
"Why do you say that?" she asked, her voice steady.
"Well, what do we know about it? From what Kagome told us, we know Kikyou wants to use it to continue wiping out youkai. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, really, if Kikyou herself wasn't psychotic. We know that Inuyasha wants it to turn full youkai. Obviously we can't let that happen."
"Obviously," Sango confirmed.
"This jewel is powerful. If anything, it might actually be of good use to us," he frowned, "if we could figure out how to use it, that is."
She could hardly believe her ears, her mind reeling as Hojou stood and swiped at the dirt on his pants. Could she be so lucky that Hojou was thinking the same as her about the jewel? If he were, it would make it so much easier to keep the shard in her back a secret. Hell, maybe once she came clean about the shard in her back he would let her hold onto the whole jewel for safe-keeping.
She couldn't trust anyone else with it. No one would keep it safe like she could. Not the damn monk. Not even Hojou.
This time when he reached his hand out to help her up she accepted, letting him hold the brunt of her weight as she pushed up to her feet. He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she lifted her chin to look at him, the forest edge a pretty backdrop that framed his face.
"Let's just focus on healing all the way up before we think too much about finding Kagome or the jewel," he said. "We'll come to it when we have to. For now…"
His words faded away from her. Her eyes widened. She saw it, there, between the trees.
A flash of purple cloth.
A glint of golden staff.
"-should grab some lunch, Kaede should be starting on it now."
"Mmhm," Sango said, distracted. She glanced back at Hojou, putting a smile on her face. "I think I'm going to take a walk in the woods, cool off a bit. I'll meet you inside in a few minutes."
He raised his eyebrow. "You sure? Do you want me to come with you?"
She shook her head. "No, it's fine, I want to be alone and clear my head a bit."
"Okay, but be careful. Kaede said youkai live in the woods. Apparently a pretty big one attacked while Kagome was here."
"I will," she said, and started off towards the forest. She could feel Hojou's eyes on her back, watching her as she walked away, but when she turned to look back at him from the treeline, he was just reaching the porch of Kaede's house.
She slipped in between the trees, following the barest hint of a trail, an overgrown buildup of leaves and needles soft under her feet.
He was standing only a few feet from her, leaning up against a tree, his arms folded. His black hair was a sharp contrast against the light, autumn colors of the woods that surrounded him. His eyes were closed, but they opened slowly as she approached. Brilliant violet greeted her.
"Slayer," he said, just as calm and cool as always.
"Monk," she replied, the corners of her lips pulling down in displeasure. "What are you doing out here?"
He moved away from the tree, standing at his full height. He was tall, just a bit more than Hojou, and unconsciously Sango's mind kicked into training mode, playing out the ways he might attack her, noting how she would escape if he tried.
But he didn't try to attack her. His shoulders stayed relaxed, his arms limp at his side. His gaze held steady.
"I no longer have your captive audience in Lady Kaede's house anymore, and it is hard enough masking my presence from the edge of her property, never mind in the very middle of it. Out here I do not have to watch my back so closely."
Sango huffed, "You could have been seen by Hojou just now, it was pretty stupid showing yourself like that."
He waved her concern away, "I do not worry about your slayer companion, he is somewhat oblivious."
She couldn't argue with that, but she was done with the pleasant conversation. "So? What do you want?"
"I was simply watching you train. I have been curious about your progress. The best way to understand how far you come was to watch you in a match."
"Do I pass?" she sneered.
A smile cracked between his lips. "I should say so."
"Okay, so you've watched me train. Was that it? Can I go back now?"
"Ah, impatient. I should not be surprised, I could have guessed as much by our earlier conversations. I admit that I also came to give you an update on Kikyou."
"What do I care about the bitch?"
"It is smart to know your enemy, Slayer," he said, that amused smile still there. "We may have some time yet, her healing is slow. She does not look well."
Sango sighed and leaned back against a tree herself, folding her arms as the monk had earlier. "How are you sure she's not just going to die?"
"I am sure of it."
She narrowed her eyes, "are you sure of it because you're sustaining her somehow?"
"If I could do that, I would have the ability to free myself as well. No, she is sustaining herself. But it matters not, your friend did quite a number on her."
"Okay? So?"
He held up his hands as if to surrender, "That is all. Just an update. While I believe we do have some time, it would be best not to wait too long to set out and find Inuyasha. The sooner it is done, the sooner we can put all of this unpleasantness behind us."
She shrugged, "There's something we can agree on, at least. I can go now?"
He nodded. Sango turned on her heel and headed back towards the clearing, ready to get as far away from him as possible.
"Slayer," he called out after her.
She froze. Turned.
He had taken a few steps towards her before he stopped. His face had changed. Softened. There was a look in his eyes that she couldn't quite place.
"I was impressed watching your match with your friend today. I only caught a glimpse of it before. In the attic, when I-"
"Tried to murder me and my friends?" she finished for him. Her eyes widened when he managed to look somewhat bashful.
"Yes," he said. "And for that, while you may not believe me, I am sorry. It is not in my nature to do such evil. I had no control over my actions."
She turned to face him fully, fists clenched. "Yeah? What about the shard you forcibly pushed through my skin? You sorry for that, too?"
He smiled, but it was sad this time, his eyes finally darting away from hers in, what? ...Shame?
"Not yet," he finally said, "but give it time. I may soon be sorry for that as well."
He sifted without warning. One moment there, the next gone, leaving Sango alone with nothing but the trees and her thoughts.
His violet eyes, darting away from her own, were burned into her memory.
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Kind of a more relaxing chapter, but I hope you all enjoyed anyway! I'll see you soon with chapter 41!
~SugarRos
