Glee: Season 1 Episode 3 - Acafellas
Chapter Four
"You're breaking up with me?" Puck asks as I find him in the corridor, an air of surprise in his voice. I just stand there and nod my head at him "Why?" he pushes.
"Your credit score is terrible" I answer showing him the documents I'd printed off the night before "What I need as a woman is financial security" I push the papers into his chest and walk away, a big smile forming on my mouth. I make my way down the corridor when Coach Sue ushers me into her office. I enter and see Quinn and Brittany already in there. I take a seat next to Quinn.
"I need an update" Coach Sue starts sitting behind her desk. "When do I get my full budget restored?" she looks at the three of us.
"Well…" Quinn starts. I sink in my seat, hoping it would swallow me up whole knowing what is coming, Coach Sue is not going to like this. "We can get Dakota Stanley, but…"
"But? I don't like buts, not unless it's Michael Bolton's firm butt. I could squeeze that thing all day long…". Eww, I gip, trying my hardest to squash the image forming in my head. Who the hell even is Michael Bolton.
"We need $8,000!" Quinn interjects, cutting Coach Sue off mid ramble. Thank you, Quinn, I think. "That's his price. Where are we gonna get that kind of money from?" Quinn asks Coach Sue, looking for some kind of direction. She leans on the desk with her elbows, and stares at the three of us.
"Here's what you're going to do" she starts, laying out her plan "you're going to have a car wash"
"A car wash?" I question "There's like only nine of us? Do you know how many cars we would have to wash to make $8,000?" I push back looking at Quinn and Brittany for back up, momentarily forgetting who I'm talking too. They both stay quiet.
"Yes, but you're not doing it alone. The rest of Cheerios will help. Nobody wants to see a bunch of spongy, pudgy glee kids' clean cars. But a group of young, attractive cheerleaders, well that will for sure raise the money we need to take down the Glee Club" Coach Sue finishes and the three of us, look at each other smiling in agreement at Coach's plan. We all get up to leave and as I reach the doorway Coach calls me back.
"Oh, and Spanish Q" she says. I freeze monetarily and slowing turn around as Quinn and Brittany leave, leaving me on my own.
"Yes coach?" I answer in my sweetest voice with a big fake smile on my face.
"Question me like that again and I'll make sure you're on the bottom of the pyramid for the rest of your time as a Cheerio" Coach Sue warns.
"Yes coach" I reply as I leave her office.
The Glee Club car wash went surprisingly well, we managed to raise enough money to hire Dakota Stanley. It wasn't the nicest experience though, I learnt that there are a lot of pervs in Lima, who will pay extra to leer at a bunch of high school cheerleaders for just a moment longer. Coach Sue made all of the Cheerios wash the cars in bikini tops and our Cheerios skirts, so it almost felt like we were giving to them on a plate. Still, Brittany looked good though. I mean, she looked nice. You know, in a platonic, bestie kind of way. Although, I did find myself getting more and more infuriated internally whenever a guy would look at her a second too long or wolf whistle at her. I mean, seriously, she's sixteen and they're fully grown men. Fucking pervs…Anyway one good thing did come out of the car wash, the Glee Club is internally crumbling. When washing the cars, Quinn and I intentionally made sure to position ourselves so we can eavesdrop on Mercedes and Kurt's conversation.
"So, listen, Kurt" Quinn elbows me in the ribs as we listen in on their conversation "this is like the third time we've gone out. Can we just make it official?"
"Make what official?" Kurt asks confused. Ooooh, here we go. Quinn and I smile at each other.
"You know, that we're dating". Quinn and I chuckle to each other.
"I'm sorry, Mercedes, but I thought I made it very clear. I'm in love with someone else" Kurt replies, staring past Mercedes. Shitttt, that was brutal Lady Hummel I chuckle to myself. I didn't think he had it in him. She turns around to see what or who he's looking at, just as Berry stands up.
"Rachel?" Mercedes questions.
"Yes. For several years now" Kurt replies quickly. Hmmm, I don't buy it. That was too quick of a response I think to myself. Almost like he was looking for an out and he took the first one she offered him. And then, with no warning Mercedes threw a rock through Lady Hummel's' windscreen. No. Fucking. Way. Quinn looks at me and we both burst out laughing. Well, that went infinitely better than expected.
The next day at Glee Club you could cut the tension between Kurt and Mercedes with a knife. The whole room was in silence. I sit down between Quinn and Brittany and put my legs on Brittany's lap. After about a minute Dakota Stanley walks into the choir room. "Stand" he bellows as he enters "Sitting is for loosers and degenerates" Everybody instantly stands, still in silence and lines up. Once we were stood, Dakota Stanley then makes his way down the line handing out folders to everyone apart from me, Brittany, Quinn and Artie. "Okay, please examine your personalised menus. This is what you're going to be eating for the next six months"
"Um, mine just says coffee" Mercedes replies, looking down at her menu.
"Mm-hmm" Dakota Stanley agrees.
"What's smelt?" Berry asks reading her menu.
"A pungent, low-carb freshwater fish" he answers her. Eww, that sounds disgusting I think to myself. "Okay, let's start with today's business. Artie, you're cut. You're not trying hard enough"
"At what?" Artie asks confused.
"At walking" Dakota Stanley returns. Oh, shit, burn. Wow, that was mean even for me. I don't know if I'm impressed or a little scared of the tiny man stood in front of us. "We can't be wheeling you around during every number. It throws off the whole dynamic and it's depressing"
"So, you're kicking him out?" Mercedes jumps to Artie's defence.
"Mm-hum" he agrees "Also you. Youse got to go, `Effie" he gestures towards the choir room door. Mercedes balls up her fist and looks to the rest of the group "No, no, no. Yeah"
"You can't kick people out of Glee Club because you don't like the way they look" Kurt interjects defending his two fellow Glee Club members.
"Uh, why don't you shut your face-gash and stay away from aerosol cans because you could burst into flames at any second?" Dakota Stanley spits back at Kurt before turning to Quinn, Brittany and I "You three- you're great. You're perfect. Seriously. Don't change a thing" we chuckle and smile as he moves onto his next victim. Berry. "Uh, you – ew, nose job"
"Now just hold on a second" Finn jumps in coming to Berry's rescue. He does know he's dating Quinn right? Not wannabe Barbra.
"What? What was that, Frankenteen?" his attention turning to Finn. Ha, Frankenteen, I need to remember that one. "Why don't you, uh, wipe that dope look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you've been dragging on the ground?"
"What wrong with you?" Finn replies, standing his ground.
"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall. I feel like a woodland creature" Dakota Stanley rants "Um, am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don't have the confidence to hear it, hmm?" he continues, walking up and down the line still ranting to the group "Maybe you need somebody who's going to lie to you and tell you things like 'you got what it takes'. But you know what? As far as I can see, you don't. So, why don't you just take a little second, take a breather, and ask yourself 'do I want to be a winner…:" Dakota Stanley directs the last part of his rant to Berry. She turns to look at three us, we look back "or not?"
"Screw this" Finn answers "I quit" I watch Finn leave the line and move to the other side of the choir room. Wow, this is working fast. We've not even got to any choreography yet.
"Me, t-t-t-too" Tina agrees leaving to join Finn.
"Let's roll, Artie" Mercedes says joining the other two. I just watch them go, internally pleased with our work. Kurt and Artie joins them. Now there is only my, Quinn, Brittany and Berry left.
"No. Great, great. You know, separate the wheat from the chaff; that's perfect" Dakota Stanley says watching them gather on the other side of the room.
"Wait" Berry chirps up as they begin to leave and addresses the misfits "Barbra Streisand" What is she on about now I wonder. "When Barbra was a young ingénue, everyone told her in order to be a star, she'd have to get a nose job" she turns to face Dakota Stanley. What is happening? "Thankfully, she refused"
"Where's this going, Yentl?" Dakota Stanley asks.
"Where it's going is that…" she turns to look at Finn and the rest of the group and then back to the choreographer "We don't need you" I roll my eyes, what is she doing, we were so close. "Let's face it. We're never going to be as good of dances as Vocal Adrenaline. We're gonna win because…we're different. And that's what makes us special"
"They told J. Lo her booty was too big" Mercedes pipes up, fighting Berry's cause
"Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he because paralysed" Artie adds, to group coming back to the centre of the choir room.
"Jim Abbott" Finn says joining the rest of them
"I have no idea who that is" Kurt says.
"He was a one-armed pitcher for the Yankees" Finn explains "Pitched a no-hitter"
"Okay, so, yeah. Misfits and spaz-head and cripples can make it, too. That's great. What's your point?" Dakota Stanley asks.
"Our point is that.." Berry answers full of confidence. Oh wow, Berry get off your high horse I think staring at her. You're ruining the plan "you're fired" she squares up to him "And I'm taller than you"
"Barely" he sighs as he turns and storms out of the room. I turn and shoot Quinn a look which she reciprocates. We're both thinking the same thing, we've fucked up.
