So my next chapter is now live. I hope you like it.

Thank you so much for my latest review - there will for sure be some more Brittana kisses in future chapters and there is one of the more intense eating disorders scenes i've ever written coming up in Episode 6. The depression angle is something I was toying with building into the series, so that fact that it's something you want to see, I'll try my best to make it happen.

If you're liking what you're reading (or even if you're not) please send me a review. I've never really written a fic before, so I'd love to hear what you guys think.


Glee: Season 1 Episode 5 - The Rhodes Not Taken

Chapter Five
Sleep did not come easy on Monday night; over the weekend I'd decided that Tuesday was the day to put my plan into action. I spent the whole night tossing and turning trying my best to get Brittany out of my mind, but every time I shut my eyes there she was. I tried everything to get her out of my mind, I tried watching some television, I tried listening to music, but everything reminded me of her and that night. After a while I decide to check my phone for the time. 3:58am. I turn over once more and groan into my pillow. I've wasted the whole night with little to no sleep to show for it. Knowing that I'm not going to get any more sleep in the next half an hour I decide to get up and ready for my morning run. Ever since I found out the news about Quinn, I've been going on a run solo. At first, I struggled to find the motivation to get my ass out of bed at 4:30am every morning but then I realised that with Quinn pregnant, Coach Sylvester will be looking for a new head cheerleader when she finds out and kicks her off the squad. And that new head cheerleader, is going to me.

"I can't wait for tonight" Brittany says playing with my hair as we wait for Glee Club to start. Where even is Mr. Schuester? He's never late, if anything he normally annoyingly early. There's only four days until the Invitationals and now that the group has agreed to let April stay, we were in full on practise mode, and we sounded pretty good. She may be weird, and a low-key alcoholic but that woman can sing. And to be honest I've got bigger problems than whether April stays or not.
"Me too" I reply picking at my nails. I am excited for tonight, but I'm also super nervous. My plan has some serious holes in it. The main being that I've no idea how I'm going to kiss her. What if she rejects me? What if I ruin our friendship, she's my best friend I can't do that? I do a quick scan of the room. Where is everybody, there's no Finn or Quinn either. They're probably off picking out cots I think to myself.

"Maybe Quinn is lactose intolerant" I overhear Kurt say to Artie, Tina and Mercedes. The four of them gathered around the piano. I tune Brittany out, who's telling me some story about how Lord Tubbington is stealing from her piggy bank and focus in on their conversation.
"That doesn't explain all the crying" Artie responds.
"Maybe she just doesn't like the group" Tina offers. I hold my tongue; how can they be so stupid I think to myself. Lactose intolerant really? Just as I'm about to spill the truth about Quinn, Puck interjects.
"Are you all that stupid?" he asks. Everybody turns to look at him. Wait, does Puck know? Who the hell told Puck, I know I didn't. "I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were just roommates" The group around the piano look at each other with confused looks on their faces as Puck stands up. "Maybe Quinn's got one in the oven" Okay so Puck definitely knows, I hope Quinn doesn't think that I told him, I can't be dealing with anymore Quinn drama.
"Who's the baby's daddy?" Mercedes asks Puck.
"Who do you think?" he asks pausing. He's met with silence. "Finn" he answers his own question. Why did he pause, does he know something that I don't? No, surely not. If Finn wasn't the father Quinn would have told me, right?
"Yes, you've heard right – I am returning to Glee Club" Berry announces marching into the choir room. Wow, talk about bad timing Berry. "In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to a socially conscious charity of your choice" Puck leaves the room as everybody else ignores Berry and continues their conversations.
"This is a hot damn mess" I hear Mercedes say to the other three. I turn to Brittany and gesture to her to bring her head closer to mine.
"Puck's right" I whisper in her ear "I went to the doctor with her"
"NO!" Brittany whispers back, the surprise evident in her voice "Why didn't you tell me!" she asks.
"Q made me promise me not too. I'm sorry B" I add, pouting.
"Uh, I'm sorry; I thought I'd be welcomed back with a tad more enthusiasm" Berry says, offended.
"Sorry, Glee Club has just been rocked with its first scandal" Kurt replies. Wow, he's loving this I can tell.
"Quinn's knocked up" Mercedes adds quietly.
"And the baby daddy?" Kurt asks rhetorically walking around the piano towards Berry. "Finn" he answers. I look at Berry's face. You can see the exact moment her heart breaks at the news. She freezes momentarily before storming out of the room.

With both Quinn and Puck missing and the rest of the club still high on the days gossip, Mr. Schuester could tell that everybody's minds were elsewhere. With effort levels at a bare minimum, he ended up stopping the session early, on the promise that tomorrow everybody would be fully focused and ready to perform. With the session over I entwined my pinkie in Brittany's as we walked down the corridor and out of the school doors. "So come to mine for six?" Brittany asks as we reach the parking lot.
"Duh" I answer smiling. "I'll bring the pizza" I add getting into my car.

A few hours later I make the journey to Brittany's house. A journey I've made a thousand times before, but this time it's different. This time the nerves are slowly consuming my whole body. On the way I stop off at Gino's Pizzas. I park up outside the door and walk into the takeaway.
"Usual Santana?" the all familiar voice of Gino asks from behind the counter.
"You know it" I answer smiling, as I lean on the counter.
"So, how's your old man?" he asks as he adds the toppings to the pizza.
"Yeah good" I reply "busy". Gino was a small, round Italian immigrant, who made the move to Lima from Naples back in the 1960's and was almost like a second father to me. He didn't have any children of his own and his wife died when she was only young. He had been alone since. He gave my father his first job at sixteen, a job which he kept until he graduated college. When I was younger and on the occasions where both my parents had to work and my abuela wasn't available Gino would let me hang around the store, eat the leftovers and even take me to the park to play soccer. He always treated me like a daughter and still does to this day.
"How's the Cheerios?" he asks, continuing with my order.
"We're doing really well. We've got the Sectionals coming up soon, so coach is getting us ready for that. Aiming for another national title this year" I reply. We make small talk for the rest of the time it takes to complete my order.
"What's the damage?" I joke as he hands me the pizza box and fries.
"For you…call it $10" he says smiling.
"You're too good to me" I reply handing him the money and kissing his cheek "Gracias" I turn and leave the store and finish the journey to Brittany house.

Once I'm stood outside, I take a final deep breath to compose myself and ring the doorbell. "San" Brittany squeals as she opens the door and takes the food out of my hands. I follow her in and shut the door behind me. "Hailey's at soccer practise so she won't bother us" Brittany adds making her way upstairs. Once in her room, I shut the door as she puts the food on the blanket set out on the floor and opens the pizza box. The smell of freshly baked pizza fills the room, and it smells so good. It always does. Not to be biased, but Gino's is by far the best pizza in Lima, probably the whole of Ohio. I watch as Brittany takes a slice and smile. She looks so pretty when she eats, my eyes look to her lips. I watch for a few moments, then when I realise l'm staring I quickly look down to the pizza box, hoping she didn't notice.

"I can't believe that Quinn's pregnant" Brittany says in between bites of pizza "How long have you known for?" she asks excitedly.
"Erm, I don't know. Couple of weeks maybe" I reply taking a small bite. Trying my best to play down the conversation.
"This is so exciting" Brittany states, I can see the excitement in growing in her face "San! We're gonna be aunties" she says practically jumping up and down. "And Lord Tubbington can be an uncle and he can teach them how to ride a bike and…" I tune Brittany's words out and just watch her ramble on, smiling slightly. I don't have the heart to tell her that all that is not going to happen. Quinn is sixteen and far too self-centred to raise a child. After another twenty minutes of this conversation, I can't take anymore baby talk, even from Britt.

"B-Britt" I say softy, interrupting her "Can we change the subject away from the baby Frankenteen growing inside Q right now" I say.
"Sure" she shrugs "What do you want to talk about?" she asks, focusing all her attention on me. I bite my lip, this is my opportunity, there's no turning back now.
"I…erm…actually I wanted to show you something" I start, standing up, the nerves starting to take over my body.
"Cool. What is it?" she asks.
"It's a song I've been working on" I reply. "Sit, please" I point to the edge of the bed. She does.
"Is it for Glee Club?" Brittany asks, getting comfy on the edge of the bed.
"No. not exactly' I say, picking up my phone and scrolling through to find the right track. My heart rate quickens as I connect it to Brittany's speakers. "Britt, I want you to really listen to the lyrics" She nods. I take a deep breath and bite my lip as I click play on the instrumental version of the song.

"Friday night beneath the stars
In a field behind your yard
You and I are painting pictures in the sky
Sometimes we don't say a thing
Just listen to the crickets sing
Everything I need is right here by my side

And I know everything about you
I don't wanna live without you

I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying
To let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you

Just a small-town girl and girl
Living in the crazy world
Trying to figure out what is and isn't true
And I don't try to hide my tears
My secrets or my deepest fears
Through it all nobody gets me like you do

And you know everything about me
You say that you can't live without me

I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying
To let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you

When I'm with anybody else
It's so hard to be myself
And only you can tell

I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying
To let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you"

Once the song finishes, I sit next to Brittany and hold my breath in anticipation. C'mon Britt, say something I think to myself. The silence rings in my ears, the couple of seconds of quiet feeling like they last a lifetime.
"Oh my god. I love Taylor Swift" she finally says, grinning.
"I, I know" I reply looking in her eyes, trying to gage her true feelings "That's why I chose it" I smile "So what did you think? Did you get what I was trying to say?" I press.
"San you're amazing, you know that?" she answers looking right back at me. Our eyes meet, my stomach flips. This is it. This is the moment. No turning back now I tell myself. My heart rate intensifies. I look down to Brittany's lips, then back to her eyes, then back to her lips. C'mon Lopez you can do this, I give myself an internal pep talk. I slowly lean in, giving her time to pull away. She doesn't. I lean in further. I can feel her breath on me now. Can she feel mine? Can she feel how shaky it is? I softly touch my lips onto hers. Britt's lips feel so good on mine, so soft and gentle. She kisses me back. I feel a wave of electricity serge through my body. Just like that night at the party. It's like I'm in a dream, the best dream. Brittany lifts her right hand off her thigh and gently cups my cheek. The soft touch of her hand brings me crashing back to reality. I open my eyes, and I realise what I'm doing. I'm kissing Brittany. A girl. Sober. This is not some meaningless drunk hook up. This is wrong. I'm not a lesbian. A feeling of immense guilt takes over my body. I pull away.

"I-I'm sorry" I say standing up "I-I shouldn't have done that" I say opening her bedroom door and running out of the room.
"San…Wait" I hear Brittany's voice behind me, I ignore her and run out of the house and into my car. I lean my head on the steering wheel. My whole body shaking. Shit. I try my best to stop my hands from trembling before turning the key and starting my car. I see Brittany at the door of her house in my rear-view mirror as I drive off. Why the fuck did I do that?!


A/N: The song is I'm Only Me When I'm With You by Taylor Swift from her debut album. I obviously don't own the rights to the song or the lyrics or anything like that.

The inspiration behind the song choice in case you were wondering is basically just Santana trying to tell Brittany how much she loves her as a best friend and she doesn't ever want to lose that even if the kiss goes wrong.