So, this is the last chapter for this episode. Thank you so much for my latest reviews, they honestly mean so much to me! Thank you for the suggestion of not having to rewrite every episode - I've got a pretty solid plan for the episodes up until and including Sectionals, but I haven't really thought much after that, so maybe just doing a chapter per episode on a few episodes, maybe the way I go. I just don't want it to seem like I'm half-arsing the story just to get through it if that makes sense.
I have a fairly busy week ahead so i'm not sure when the next update will be hope you guys enjoy this chapter :)
Please let me know what you think guys...
*POSSIBLE TRIGGER: eating disorder is mentioned in an early paragraph*
Glee: Season 1 Episode 5 - The Rhodes Not Taken
Chapter Six
What the fuck have I done? I kissed Brittny. Why did I kiss Brittany? Why did I run out on her? What if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Have I ruined our friendship? I should have just let her ramble on about Quinn. God, Santana how could you be so stupid. Brittany is literally the only good thing in your life, and you've fully screwed it up, like you always do. You father and abuela are right, you screw everything up. So many thoughts fill my mind as I start to internally question all of my actions from the past couple of hours.
I throw my car keys into the bowl on the side as I walk into the house. "Mija?" I hear my mother's voice coming from the kitchen. I wipe away a tear and try to hide my emotions as I walk into the kitchen. "You're back early" she says as I enter. "How's Brittany? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah fine" I say walking towards the freezer "Erm…Hailey's ill" I lie, taking the tub of Ben & Jerry's out from behind the frozen peas and heading for a spoon. I try my best to avoid eye contact with my mother, knowing that I would break down if I did. I go to leave the kitchen and head for my bedroom when my mother intercepts my path.
"I hope Hailey feels better soon" she says, pulling me into a hug. She knows Hailey's not really ill, but she can also sense that I don't want to talk about the real reason I'm home early. So, she just hugs me, silently letting me know that everything is going to be fine and that she's here if and when I want to talk. "I love you mija" she adds, letting go of me "No matter what"
"I love you too mami" I say kissing her cheek, leaving the kitchen.
/
I just make it to my bedroom before my emotions take over and my walls come crumbling down. I switch on the stereo to mask the sound of my sobs and throw myself onto my bed. I'm such an idiot. Calm down Lopez I tell myself, you're a badass. So what, you ruined one friendship, big deal, you can make more, you're hot and popular. But nobody will be as good as Brittany. Brittany, I hope she's okay. I can't believe I ran out on her. What if I've hurt her, I couldn't live with myself if I knew I'd brought her any pain. Not to Brittany, not to someone so innocent and perfect. I'm the person who protects her from all the hurt not the one who delivers it. I turn over on my bed and pick up my phone. A message pops up on my screen, it's from Brittany. I open it.
'U ok San. U ran out fast. I think we shud talk'. I freeze once I read the message. Talk? What does she want to talk about? No, I don't want to talk. I don't want to know that our friendship is over, I'd rather live in denial. Not knowing is better than knowing, right? I focus on the message, trying to formulate a response in my head. What should I put, what should I say? I need to do some serious damage control I tell myself, but how? I don't know how, I've never been in this situation before, I always know exactly what to say, but with Brittany I don't want to get it wrong. It needs to be perfect. The pressure is too much. Unable to think of a reply, I crack and throw my cell at my bedroom wall. I run my fingers through my hair, what the fuck am I doing. I spot the Ben & Jerry's on my bedside cabinet; I hate myself right now and when this feeling comes, there's only one thing that helps to nullify the feeling. I open the tub and take a spoonful of ice-cream, putting it into my mouth. I eat the whole tub, constantly replaying the night's events in my mind, making myself feel more and more guilty with every mouthful.
Once the tub is empty and I've finished crying I make my way to my bathroom. My mother is still downstairs, so I made sure I lock my bedroom door and increase the volume on my stereo. I kneel in front of the toilet and push my two fingers down the back of my throat, like I've done so many times before.
/
I spend the next few days trying my best to avoid Brittany. I sat at the other side of the choir room during Glee Club, made sure we didn't get partnered up during Cheerios practise and spent the rest of my free time with Chase. I knew she wouldn't talk about Tuesday night with him there. I had managed to successfully avoid Brittany until Saturdays Glee Club Invitational. I walk into the choir room and scan the room for Brittany. I intentionally made sure to arrive after everybody else, to make sure that they was no chance I would be left alone with Brittany in the choir room whilst waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. I spot her at the back of the room talking to Kurt, I make my way around the opposite side of the room to the clothes rack and take my outfit off it. "Hey San, can we talk?" she asks quietly, coming up behind me.
"Can't. Sorry. Gotta change" I say dismissing her and walking out of the room towards the bathroom, not even looking at her.
/
I quickly change into my cowgirl shirt and look at myself in the mirror. I start to top up my makeup as I hear a toilet flush and the stall door open. Shit, I hope that's not Brittany I think to myself quickly gathering my stuff together and getting ready to make a quick exit if it is. It's not. It's only Quinn, I start to relax. "No Britt" she's asks me, walking over the wash her hands.
"What? No" I reply carrying with my makeup "She's in the choir room I think"
"What's going on with you two?" Quinn asks turning to face me, drying her hands.
"Nothing" I shrug, not making eye contact with her.
"You too have been acting weird all week" she pushes "Have you fallen out or something" I don't reply. "Fine, I'll just ask Britt…" she says turning to leave the bathroom.
"No" I say cutting her off. Shit, that sounded suspicious I think to myself "Just nerves…about tonight…it's our first performance…I don't want to look like an idiot out there" I lie, collecting my stuff and leaving the bathroom before Quinn to make sure she can't go and ask Brittany. I'm not sure if she bought it, she knows I don't get nervous when performing with the Cheerios, so why would I be nervous to sway in the background.
/
Back in the choir room everybody, well except for April, is stood around the piano with Brad doing vocal exercises. I join the group. Mr. Schuester enters the choir room, clapping ad getting all of our attention.
"The house is packed – you guys are going to kick butt tonight" he says, excitedly. "Your first performance in front of a real audience. I can't wait. You guys are going to love it" We all look at him smiling. "Where-where's April?" Mr. Shue asks, finally noticing that we're one short.
"Yee-haw!" April laughs walking into the choir room "Right on cue, as usual" She walks through the group addressing a few of us "Hey, roller-boy…handsome…oh, I like that colour…. have you been working on the, uh, moves we talked, you got something right there on…" She grabs Puck and kisses him. Eww, gross I think to myself. Mr. Schuester pulls her off and she squeezes Lady Hummel's nose as he does. Yep, she's definitely drunk I shoot a look at Brittany. We suppress a laugh together. Mr. Shue does not look impressed. He pulls April over for a private chat, but I can't really hear what they're saying.
"Can we talk now?" Brittany whispers.
"Not now" I whisper back "After" I lie, stalling for more time, I've still no intention of talking about what happened. Just then Miss. Pillsbury comes into the choir room for a word with Mr. Schuester.
/
The first half performances go by without a problem. To say she is drunk, April can still put on one hell of a performance. I managed to put Brittany to the back of my mind and focus solely on the show. Midway through, looking out into the auditorium audience I spot my parents and abuela. My abuela came, she's never been to anything that wasn't connected to the Cheerios before, and she even looked like she was enjoying herself. A wave of happiness came over my body as I see her smile and nod her head along to the music. At the end of the final song before the intermission, I see my abuela stand up and clap with the rest of the auditorium. She really did like it; she wouldn't stand if she didn't. I smile as I watch her.
/
Once the curtain goes down everybody starts to chatter excitedly as we make our way back to the choir room for a costume change. "San, can we talk now" Brittany asks again as I grab my second costume off the rail.
"I need to change" I answer, still tying to avoid her.
"Now Santana" she says sternly, pulling me by the arm to the side of the choir room. I've never heard her speak in that tone before. "Stop ignoring me" she continues "We need to talk about this". I sigh at her.
"Fine' I say in a low voice, raising my eyebrows and look around to see the room filled with the rest of the Glee Club members. "Not here. Let's get changed next door" I say leading her out of the choir room and into the adjacent classroom. She follows me in, I lock the door behind her.
"What is wrong with you Santana?" Brittany asks, taking off her cowgirl shirt and putting the blue one on "You ran out on Tuesday and haven't spoke to me since…are we okay?" I shrug, folding my arms across my chest defensively. Looking anywhere but at Brittany. I can't make eye contact with her, so I look down at the floor.
"I don't know, are we?" I ask back. God, I hate talking about feelings. They're so messy. Feelings, I don't even have feelings I try to convince myself.
"Well, I am" Brittany answers "It was just a kiss San. It doesn't mean anything" My stomach sinks at her words. "See" she comes over to me and kisses me. It's just a peck but still, my stomach flips. I automatically start to smile, she notices. "But if you want to do it some more…" she walks past me towards the door, before turning back around and whispering in my ear "Just let me know…"
My whole-body shivers as her breath touches my ear and I'm left there alone in the classroom. I take a deep breath and compose myself. No, no, no, I didn't like kissing Brittany, I tell myself as I quickly change my shirt. No, I'm sure I didn't. No, I didn't, and I definitely don't want to kiss her again. Do I? No, I don't. I'm not a lesbian. You like guys Santana I convince my myself as I leave the room. This can't ever happen again.
/
I walk back into the choir room to see that everybody has gotten changed and are making last minute adjustments to hair and makeup. "Santana" Kurt calls my name, tapping the stool in front of him. I sit. My mind is still consumed with my conversation with Brittany, when Mr. Schuester walks in.
"They love us! We're a hit" Artie says wheeling himself over to our teacher, high fiving him.
"Wh-wh-where's April?" Tina stutters.
"You were right, Mr. Shue. She'd massacre Mariah in a diva-off" Kurt adds.
"April is amazing" Mr. Shue agrees. "But she's not in the glee club anymore" The room goes silent, and everyone turns to look at Mr. Shue. "I, uh, I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys. You don't need her to be great'
"But we need her for the second act" Mercedes replies.
"I'll just have to go out there and tell them we had to cut the show short'. I turn my head away, great what's my abuela going to think now. "Hey, guys. You were great…Don't worry. There will be other performances". I can't even look at him right now, this has all happened because he couldn't keep it in his pants.
"Excuse me?" I turn back around the see Berry enter the choir room. "I think I might have a solution" she continues. Of course, you do, I think shooting her a death stare. "In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in…I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me"
"Since when are you willing to be an understudy?" Mercedes asks, saying what we're all thinking.
"Since I quit the play" she says walking into the centre of the room.
"Really? Why?" Kurt questions. Berry pauses for a moment.
"I realised being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend" she answers. Eww, we are not friends I think to myself, folding my arms across my chest. "If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself…I know all the words to the song" she smiles, almost welcoming herself back.
"You don't know the choreography" Quinn replies, making Berry stop in her tracks. The group (except Frankenteen) nods in agreement.
"Then we're going to have to give her a lot of help out there" Finn says smiling at her.
"Go get in your costume" Mr. Schuester says to Berry, she smiles and runs off to get changed. Great, we're back to the original diva.
/
I find it a lot harder to concentrate on the second act of the show. I seem to be catching Brittany's gaze every time I move, and every time I do my head fills with questions. Did Brittany say that she wanted to kiss me? In a friend way? Or in a more than friend way? Can you kiss someone and just be friends? Maybe you can if you're both girls, and best friends? Yeah, I think you can, you must be able to, I'm not a lesbian. Whilst I'm lost in my train of thought the introduction of the final song of the night starts. 'Somebody to Love' by Queen. I need to concentrate now; I tell myself and push the thoughts, push Brittany, to the back of my mind. During the song I spot my abuela in the audience again and think about what she said that night about passion. I look at Puck, I feel nothing. That's not passion, well not like how my abuela described it anyway, like her with Abuelo. So, was that passion with Brittany? Was the guilt I felt actually passion? Maybe just maybe it wasn't my body telling me it was wrong? Maybe just maybe it was my body telling me it was right. That it felt good, not bad. I hear Mercedes belt out her line as we stand at the front of the stage, the rest of the group singing backup '…find me somebody to love…find me somebody to love…'. I turn to look at Brittany as we sing, she looks back. Our eyes meet. My stomach flips. This time I don't avert my eyes. A smile crosses my lips, I look at Brittany for as long as I can before the routine tears my gaze away. Then it dawns on me, and it feels like a weight is lifted off my shoulders…
I like to kiss Brittany
