Nirvana
Summary: AU. "Well, fuck you too," he had said it out of spite, despite his eyes sneaking brief glances over her body. Well, maybe he had another thing in mind when he said it. Okikagu.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama.
Chapter 6
Gintoki's ice cream delight splattered to the wall with a loud splash, staining the once blue-dyed wallpaper with a mixture of chocolate and strawberry as the door flew open with a high-pitched bang. The wooden aperture fell off its hinges, unceremoniously colliding onto the table and knocking off his frozen dessert. Shinpachi was at the other corner of the room, his brown irises staring down at the timbre door with shocked trepidation. He had been preoccupied with showering Gintoki with lectures that the curly-haired man didn't seem to care about when the entry suddenly decided to collapse and he had narrowly dodged it in the nick of time.
In came Kamui, habitually clad in his black chinese outfit, his never wavering smile ever so present on his face. Though the quirk of his lips seemed to harbor sinister undertones, the predatory vibe Shinpachi could feel radiating off of him sending chills of dread down his spine. Gintoki, on the other hand, seemed unperturbed as the dangerous vermillion-haired man strolled towards him, appearing to be more bothered by the fact that the door had managed to render his ice cream into a sloppy mess on the wall than the approaching adversary.
Kamui maneuvered the baseball on his shoulder to hover it over Gintoki's head. "Hey. Where?" he asked, his question somewhat cryptic as it was left hanging in the air. His voice was muffled, and Shinpachi just realized he was chewing on something. He wasn't certain what Kamui was apparently busy consuming, though - hopefully not human remains.
One could practically feel Gintoki's irritation scattering all over the place as his red eyes flashed angrily at Kamui. "You owe me another bowl of ice cream, asshole! How dare you waste such a blessing on earth?" he basically shrieked as he gestured towards the aforementioned, forgotten sundae now falling to the floor after having been attached to the wall for an abnormal amount of time. "As an avid sweet tooth always swallowing sugar to the point of diabetes, I demand you say sorry to the ice cream gods right now!"
Kamui abruptly, fast and brutal as he propelled the tip of the bat down onto the couch Gintoki was pleasantly perched on. Shinpachi yanked him away just in time as the eager nose-picker was too absorbed with shouting obscenities at Kamui's direction.
"Gin-san! Are you trying to get yourself killed?" the bespectacled young adult hollered in disbelief as the older man, who more or less wrenched his arm away from his hold.
"Where?" Kamui continued to repeat his earlier inquiry, and Shinpachi really just wished that he would literally finish the sentence so they could offer him an answer and get it over and done with.
He discerned that the thing that Kamui had been continuously chomping on was a chewing gum as the pink-colored candy popped over his lips before he licked it over, drawing it back into his mouth. Kamui proceeded to stride forward, his steps calm and menacing as he guided the baseball bat to Gintoki's face, the tip levitating dangerously close to his nose.
"I asked you a question," he drawled out the words, his voice holding a slight tinge of impatience.
Gintoki slapped the baseball bat away before it could break through the cartilage of his nose as the somewhat annoyed big brother tried to slam it down on his face again before Kamui stubbornly shoved it back to his cheek. "Where's who? Where's what? Your sanity?" he spat out instead, once again thwacking the 'weapon' away with one hand. "I wouldn't know. Maybe you flushed it down the toilet."
"Being normal is boring," came Kamui's scoff as he threw his head back, the smile priorly incessantly latched to his lips eventually faltering as he pinned Gintoki with a long, hard stare. "Where's the sadist police officer?"
Gintoki either didn't catch the hint or he pretended that it flew over his head. "I'm a sadist police officer. Do you mean me? Gin-chan is too popular," he sardonically remarked as an equally sarcastic smirk curled at one corner of his mouth. "Listen, I'm flattered but I'm not into guys. Might want to check with someone else if you want to be anally punctured in the ass. Though if you come back cross-dressing as a woman, I might consider."
His hand reached up to stick his pinky finger into one of his nostrils, moving in a scratching motion before he pulled out an unusually huge booger and flung it over to Kamui, who gracefully side-stepped out of the way before the disgusting snot could manage to land anywhere on him. The vermillion-haired adult furrowed his brows into a deep frown, somewhat disturbed but he seemed more repulsed by the sweet tooth's abrupt, entirely inaccurate, and graphically revulsing jibe at his intentions.
"You know, I should probably end you too," he droned, a thin line of displeasure playing on his lips.
He was seriously considering the possibility of adding another intended head as a decoration in his house - preferably, Gintoki's. His would go well with the little vermin fucking his sister that he was thinking to decapitate. He might as well since he was already planning on killing Okita - only to discard the idea as he felt as if Gintoki's head would curse the walls of his residence and figured it was too much of a risk. Maybe he could vent his currently further intensified frustrations on the useless piece of crap called Okita Sougo once he located his whereabouts.
"Where's the shithead?" he questioned once more, this time his tone dripping with asserted dominance.
Gintoki blinked once before a look of recognition flitted over his visage. "Oh. Oh, you meant him."
He and Shinpachi didn't need to think twice to understand the target of Kamui's search and most likely future victim of murder. Granted, shithead could be just about anyone considering their group of friends had the odd tendency to throw profanities at each other - but coming from Kamui, it came across as both an insult and a certain hair color of a specific person he wasn't really fond of.
"Um, excuse me for asking, Kamui-san," Shinpachi finally chimed in after moments of just watching their weird interaction from the sidelines. His timbre was heavily laced with anxiety as he pushed his glasses up to the bridge of his nose, an awkward, somewhat nervous grin lingering on his lips, "but why exactly are you looking for Okita-san?"
"Stay out of it, four-eyes," Kamui answered him drily, his features as unwelcoming as his voice. "This doesn't concern you."
Shinpachi's wave of agitation diminished immediately into thin air, taking its place was brewing chagrin prominent in his shout he loudly bellowed, "Hey! I feel somewhat offended that you guys aren't willing to let me join in on the discussion! Everyone always makes me feel left out!"
"Personally, I don't know why you would want to be a part of this," Gintoki interrupted before Kamui could cut in with a witty retaliation of his own. His voice was equally tart as he pointed at the metal baseball bat once again resuming its previous position to float over the top of his head. "And is your eyesight getting worse? This feels more like an execution than a discussion, you know. This guy is totally going to blow my brains out, he'll likely even try to snatch my balls and hit a home run with them."
His response came in the form of a deadpan stare from Shinpachi. "I've known this for a while now, but you really do need to get your head checked up some time, Gin-san. I'll even help check you in, if you want," the younger adult tapped on Gintoki's shoulder as he spoke, a somewhat sad smile adorning his face.
The rather sarcastic pity he could see in Shinpachi's pair of browns only acted as a propellant to his building ire as he became defensive, blurting out, "Oi! I know I might have, like, a few screws loose in my head, but I'm not that crazy!"
Kamui decided to butt in before the argument between the two could get even dumber, his intrusion on their bickering coming in the form of him slamming down the metal bat between them to shut them up. It worked - the duo's earlier high-pitched insults instantly steering into dead silence as Kamui's warning attack perforated a small crater on the floor.
"I might if you don't tell me where he is," Kamui apprised, the subtle threat mingling painfully with the tension in the air as he lifted his head up to reveal a chilling smile.
Gintoki seemed to consider it over for a few moments. On one hand, he could offer Okita's location to save his and Shinpachi's asses. On the other hand, though, Kamui might get too excited in his heated bloodlust that he might end up doing more than just a little damage and he wouldn't hear the end of it from the gorilla and mayo addict.
Gintoki opted to go for the former. His balls were at stake here and Okita was a certified asshole to begin with. Knowing him, he probably did something out of line again to deserve what was coming to him. He was a big douche, after all. And knowing Kamui, he really just might play baseball with his precious testicles and poor Gintoki who didn't have anything to do with any of this would have to suffer and he couldn't have that. Besides, there was no way that Kamui would go as far to resort to murder. Okita wouldn't die. Maybe.
There was only a brief pause before he uttered a response, feeling as if he had sold his soul to the devil all the while. "He's in the men's bathroom."
Okita wasn't sure what he was expecting for the day's events.
Perhaps he was anticipating to look on as Hijikata breathed out his final moments, curled up in a ball on the floor, struggling to inhale some oxygen with foam leaking out his mouth. But what he got was a sharp kick to his butt as his superior, for some odd reason he still couldn't understand, didn't have the human capability to die after ingesting the poison he had placed in his mayonnaise bottle again. His assassination attemps winded up in a failure for the umpteenth time, he noted once again with slight disappointment while expelling a deep sigh as he hurled a small towel over his shoulder, a bigger one clinging around his waist as he stepped out of the shower stall. The stench of pee intruded his nostrils and he briefly perceived that some dirty little scum had forgotten to clean up their mess properly as he casted a weird look at the urinals.
He attempted to ignore the putrid smell as he went for the mirror, scanning his face before turning around. He whirled his head slightly to peer over his shoulder, surveying the angry red scratches donning his back as the sight greeted him through the reflection of the mirror, the blood now having dried since last night. I know I give her hickies all the time, but damn, China really is a beast. A smirk stretched his lips. Well, not like he was complaining, though.
The door flew open and he caught a hint of vermillion locks before the other person dashed towards him.
He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but he surely wasn't expecting this.
Kamui jumped at him, pummeling the metal baseball bat he was gripping in tight fists down to the tiled floor, dangerously precise at where Okita was standing before the police officer swiftly evaded what could have been a deadly attack. Kamui landed on his feet in a smooth, effortless swoop, his Chinese garment swaying violently behind him as he studied the gaping hole he had managed to rupture through before he raised his weapon of choice once again to position it on his shoulder. Unfortunately, the floor hadn't been his aim. He looked up, a tight scowl pulling at his lips as he saw Okita fixing the towel threatening to glide down his legs. It had nearly come undone from the force of the abrupt assault.
"Oi, that was close," Okita snarled, not really surprised by the sudden attack and seemingly less in shock with Kamui's grand entrance. "You could have snapped off my sword."
Kamui's smile never wavered even as a knot of exasperation was beginning to puddle in his gut - in fact, it only seemed to grow. "Your sword is about as worthy as a toilet paper covered with shit. It deserves to be snapped off."
"Well, I can't have that," the prince of sadist expelled his riposte with a loud snort, already assuming a fighting stance in order to ready himself for another upcoming strike. Albeit, he didn't give off the threatening vibe he was trying to endorse with his towel still threatening to slip down his thighs. "Without my sword, I can't go into battle," he went on, voice casual as if he were merely chattering about the weather before he purposely took a short pause. Then he added, simply for dramatic effect, "Can't even go into a cavern without it, I must admit."
He knew his words would further fuel Kamui's overprotective bouts of rage, and he was right when the smile on Kamui's countenance finally fell, reduced into an infuriated frown. "It didn't have to be my sister's," came his feral growl, rumbling from deep within his chest.
"I don't really know how you would come to the conclusion that I'm screwing her," Okita responded with an uncaring lopsided shrug, tilting his head over slightly to the side to feign ignorance. He knew it would piss Kamui off even more. "Your sister is too ugly."
"That obviously didn't stop you," Kamui scoffed, already going to approach the unguarded police officer - well, it wasn't as if he had any weapons on him, after all. "Be prepared to lose your stick and gonads." He pointed the tip of his bat towards the towel wrapped loosely around Okita's waist for emphasis on the rather crude menace. "I'm planning on keeping them as accessories."
"Didn't take you as one with such a horrid fetish for a hobby," Okita tartly stated with an equally dreary expression contorted on his visage. He avoided just in time as Kamui battered the bat on the area he was at once more, momentarily whining to himself that Kondo would give him an earful once everything was over and done with. "Hey, this isn't fair. You have a metal baseball bat, for god's sake. If you want a match, might as well let me get my own firearms first."
"Too bad," Kamui cackled like a maniac, "I don't really play fair." He lurched forward once again, this time maneuvering the aim of his baseball to where he presumed Okita's private parts were, only to slip and trip on his own feet.
Okita watched him, initially dull ruby orbs gaining a glimmer of sadistic mirth as he eyed the other male collapse face-first to the floor after having accidentally slithered across a puddle of water. Kamui's head sounded a loud, echoing thud in the walls of the toilet as his face collided with the couple of feces left discarded by none other than Kondo himself. Okita still wasn't sure why his chief had the disgusting habit of emptying his bowels at wrong places but at the moment, he didn't care. Still, it was enough that he could keep Kamui still for a while.
"Ha! Who's the shithead now? Got so angry that you slipped, didn't you?" Okita laughed out loud, the sound dripping with obnoxious evil as he threw his head back and doubled over, somewhat more than a little amused that he had managed to render Kamui into a fit of rage to the point that he hadn't noticed the puddle of water under his feet. He wasn't the one to think things through, but when it came to playing dirty, he was like an expert at chess.
He sprinted out of the door once he obtained the advantage of earlier escape, but not before kicking Kamui while he was down and leaving in a hysteric set of laughter.
A/N: Sorry if my humor is dull. It's not exactly my area of expertise, but I'm trying lol.
AnonymousSiren- I'm glad you think it was funny! Lmao, I was worried it wasn't. Of course, Okita has a few tricks up his sleeves to survive. XD And you're welcome! I should be the one thanking you though for the continuous support. It motivates me a lot. Also, no worries, I'm all better now hehe. Thank you again for this review dear and hope you'll enjoy this new update!
lightbattery- Wow! Happy to see that you're excited to read this XD. I agree with you, though. As a fellow pervert, I completely understand the need for smut lmao. Aw, you're welcome! You're cute. It's true though. Well, Kamui's going all out until he literally falls for Okita's - or in this case, Kondo's - shit. XD
beautifly92- Lol, true though. I feel like he'd be the kind of brother to try and break Kagura's boyfriend's hand - if she ever has one, of course. Hopefully it'll be Okita - just for touching her lmao. I'm glad you liked the nickname, it came to me on the spot, though it's probably not the smartest, I must admit. Then again, the insults in Gintama are always stupidly hilarious anyway XD.
Guest- No reason really. Just didn't cross my mind at the time lol. Thanks! Happy to know that you're liking it.
Akely- Aw, thank you for reading my fic! I'm actually really honored because you're like one of the best Okikagu authors in my opinion so the fact that you're noticing a fic of mine feels almost unreal. I don't know, the idea just came to me while I was showering. It seemed like a lot of fun to write about the two having secret rendezvouses while also being in the same police force. Lmao, that honestly sounds like something Okita would do. He'd take the situation and use it to his advantage to get what he wants, that's for sure. Wellll… maybe I could have written his meeting with Kamui a little better, but hope you'll like it anyway! XD. Like I said before, I'm not used to writing Gintama fics so I'm not sure if I got the humor right. And thank you for reading. Have a nice day!
