The past had a funny way of inserting itself into everyday life, at least that was the case for Noah.

He'd been living with Clamor for a little over a year now, growing more and more comfortable with the cosmos with each passing day. He knew almost every constellation like the back of his hand, read the stars like a book; could use the ancient powers that rested in the heavens.

Despite all of that he could never fully escape his past memories. Sometimes it took shape in phantom voices of his disapproving mentors during his study time, those were easy to deal with.

'They all shine in different capacities, but they're all just as brilliant and beautiful. The elves place equal significance even on the dimmest of stars, so why can't you?" He'd recall Clamor's words about the stars whenever his self-doubts began to get the better of him. It was enough to assert his newfound self-confidence.

Then there were the ghosts from his past, they were harder to avoid. They showed up during the most unexpected times. Sometimes he'll recall the death of his brother when he was doing something as mundane as cutting fruit. Other times he'll see Clamor's senseless murder whenever he saw his friend pass that cursed spot in the study.

Those moments always left him breathless, and the walls always seemed to be closing in on him. It wasn't much of a problem when he was alone, he liked the solitude when he needed to compose himself. It was another story when Clamor was with him. He'd notice every time Noah would see those horrible visions.

"I-I'm just feeling a bit tired." Noah would always say whenever Clamor pressed him about it. The look on his face told him he didn't quite believe him but he never tried to ask Noah to elaborate.

Noah did feel guilty for not telling him the truth, especially when Clamor was more willing to let Noah into his own past, but telling him the truth would blow his whole cover. He was surprised that the Gate even let him stay with Clamor for so long and he wasn't about to mess that up.

The worst experiences were the vivid nightmares—memories he was forced to relive moment by moment. They came at random, often leaving him in an absolute emotional mess for the rest of the day.

It was a permanent reminder of how weak he was in the past. No matter how strong, how connected he was to the stars now, he could never rewrite his mistakes in the past. That's what killed him on the inside every time.

Clamor always gave him the day off whenever he had one of those days.

"Get some rest." Clamor would always advise him before going off to teach. "I'll be back early to keep you company."

They'd spend the evening enjoying a cup of tea, with Noah listening to whatever story Clamor had to tell him about his childhood or crazy students. Sometimes he'd share a story from his own past. By the next morning Noah was usually back to his old self and ready to tackle his next lesson—if he wasn't he at least had the energy to pretend to be.

That was how Noah dealt with his past day in and day out. Maybe he should've said something when he had more bad days than good. Maybe he should've tried to confront his past when he chose to lose himself in his work rather than sleep or eat.

'It'll pass with time.' He'd always tell himself. 'It's just a short phase.'

And even if it was getting bad, Noah could deal with it. He was stronger, more experienced with death than most people. He didn't need to burden Clamor with his demons.

Tonight, however, proved him wrong.

He dreamt of the murder of his brother once more, but the main difference this time was that he faced the scene at his current power level. He tried everything to stop the knife from plunging into his brother's chest, cast the strongest combination of spells he could think of, but it was useless.

No matter how hard he tried, his attacks went through the killer like it was nothing.

"Stop it!" He pleaded when he noticed a glimpse of something silver in the killer's hands. "Please just stop!"

Harque looked back at him, the unfiltered terror in his eyes made Noah sick to his stomach.

"Noah—!"Harque gasped.

Noah collapsed onto his knees the moment the knife plunged into Harques chest. His brother staggered back in surprise, shakily looked down at the crimson stain on his white coat, before finally collapsing into a lifeless heap.

"You bastard!" Noah called upon the Scorpio card and threw the strongest spell he could conjure, shattering the villain into black dust the moment his spell hit.

"Harque!" He ran to his lifeless form and gently held his brother's body.

The hole in his chest was deep, too deep even for Nebula to heal. It was useless. He was gone.

"I-I'm sorry. I-I thought I was strong but—"

He choked on his tears and buried his face in his brother's shoulder. It felt so real. The weight of his body, the warmth of his blood soaking through Noah's clothes—the sickening scent of blood.

"Noah!"

He heard footsteps approaching them.

'So you're back for more.' Noah thought with a murderous fury.

With one hand still cradling his brother, he used the other to unsheath his weapon.

When he looked up, however, he came face to face with his own brother, chest still stained crimson.

"I thought you were supposed to protect me," Harque spoke in an unusually calm voice.

"Y-you're not my brother. Y-You're just an imposter."

Harque scoffed," are you really so blind to be unable to tell us apart? Disappointing."

"I'm sorry! I-I just—"

"How can you be so proud of your powers when you can't even protect me?" Harque's cold words sent ice down his spine.

"Noah, can you hear me?!"

"I-I tried but—"

"But you failed." Harque cut him off sharply. "You failed us both."

"W-what?"

Harque didn't respond, instead directing his gaze on the body Noah was holding. Noah felt his heart drop to his stomach. He reluctantly glanced down, catching a glimpse of a very familiar scholar's robe.

"Sorry, bud, but this is for your own good."

With trembling hands, he slowly turned the figure over to his back. It felt like someone punched him in the stomach when he came face to face with Clamor's lifeless form.

—-

A real punch to the gut violently pulled him up to a sitting position. He gasped, meeting Clamor's glowing green eyes. A current of wind was surrounding the two of them, sending shivers down his sweat-drenched back.

"Noah, you need to relax."

Noah could barely hear him over his racing heart. He could barely register that the Clamor sitting in front of him was very much alive and well.

'He's alive. He's actually alive!' He chanted internally.

"You're going to destroy my library at this rate."

Noah blinked. It took him a second to notice the Scorpio symbol glowing on top of his right hand and the various books and scrolls suspended in a veil of twinkling stars.

Did he summon his powers in his sleep?

"You think you can let go of my poor defenseless books now?"

"Y-yeah." He stammered.

Noah promptly deactivated Scorpio's card and allowed his powers to relax, instantly regretting the decision when one of Clamor's heavier texts fell on his head.

Clamor, in return, ended whatever spell he had activated. It was only when the air came to a standstill that Noah noticed how stuffy the room felt, it was like someone had trapped him in a sauna.

Noah clawed at his bare neck, desperately looking for an open window or something to get a breath of fresh air.

"Hey, just breathe." Clamor spoke to him gently. It was so different to the way Harque spoke in his dream.

"C-Clamor, I—"

"Don't talk. Just breathe. Here, I'll do it with you."

Noah obediently followed his breathing directions. He felt a bit silly doing the exercise at first, but his embarrassment was alleviated by having Clamor playing along with him.

He wasn't sure how long they were sitting in silence. By the time his heart rate was back to a relatively slower pace he felt like he'd just ran a marathon, yet the pure terror left by his nightmare was still present.

How was he going to explain this away? It'd be a miracle for Clamor to let him get away with lying again.

Noah wanted to hurl.

"Do you think you can walk?" Clamor asked.

"I-I think?" Noah gingerly rose to his feet, nearly falling flat on his face if Clamor hadn't stepped in to support him.

He was strong, unlike the dead, limp body he cradled in his nightmare. Noah shivered at the memory.

"We're going out for a bit." Clamor kept a steady hold on Noah despite him regaining his balance.

"O-out?"

"You caused quite a ruckus, I'm surprised no one popped in to complain about the noise." Clamor explained. "Besides, I think it would help you calm down a bit more."

"O-okay." Noah clung tightly into Clamor's arm as if to confirm he was really still alive.

It didn't matter where Clamor took them. As long as he was by his side Noah would happily walk to the ends of Elrois with him.

Noah didn't say a word when Clamor led them through the dark halls, occasionally ducking into an empty classroom to avoid an incoming guard. Even in his current state, Noah had explored the Tower enough to know where they were heading, the rooftop.

Clamor had first taken him there when they needed to practice more…explosive spells.

"With a strong enough silencing charm, we can practice even the most reactive spells up here." Clamor had explained at the time. "Students are prohibited from coming up here, but I think I can make an exception for my star pupil."

The pun made Noah want to walk off the roof at the time, but tonight it brought a smile to his face—not that he was ever going to let Clamor know.

Despite going at a much slower pace, Clamor managed to get them safely up to their destination. While he stayed back to cast the usual silencing charm, Noah stumbled to the very center of the space. He could already feel his powers intensify from the close proximity to the night sky, though it did little to quell his lingering fear.

The rooftop was one of Noah's favourite spots. Up here it felt like he could reach out and grab a handful of stars—like he could become one with the celestial body.

He closed his eyes and allowed the melody of the galaxy to ground him in reality.

He didn't notice it when he was still learning to master his powers, but after some time he began to hear the stars speaking to him.

They spoke of lost stories of the past, told him possibilities of the future, and whispered the secrets of their power. It was like a siren's song. He could listen to them speak all day if he wanted to.

Tonight they seemed to speak even louder than usual despite the overcast. Noah wasn't sure if they were aware of his dilemma but he was grateful regardless, their voices drowned out the awful memories of his nightmare.

He didn't know how long he lost himself in their song, all he knew was the moment he separated himself from their embrace he'd have to face Clamor.

He almost wished Clamor was out for another late-night meeting, at least then he would have dealt with the emotional damage privately.

'I can't avoid him forever.' He realized with a pit in his stomach.

Even if he chose to stay up here until the sun rose he knew Clamor wouldn't leave his side.

Reluctantly he withdrew from the stars and opened his eyes. The scent of coffee was enough to tell him Clamor was standing just beside him, probably observing the night sky.

"Erm…thanks. About earlier…" Noah started awkwardly.

"Are you going to tell me the truth or are we going to pretend you're feeling a little stressed again?"

Noah winced at his blunt words.

'Yup, he's mad.'

He'd never actually seen Clamor upset since he arrived, then again he understood where it was coming from. He'd be pretty mad too if his friend kept lying to his face.

"I can't tell you." He confessed. It was a stupid cop-out but that was the best he could do without telling him the full truth. "It's not that I don't trust you, you're probably the only person I'd trust my life with, b-but this is something I need to keep to myself. I-I don't have a choice."

He couldn't risk being kicked out of the past, not when he knew he could stay for as long as he liked.

"Is someone blackmailing you?" Noah felt a spark of power surge from Clamor.

"I wish it were that simple…"

'At least in that situation I don't have to worry about your inevitable death.'

"Noah, it's not healthy to keep it all to yourself. Sooner or later you're going to have an even bigger breakdown."

"I-I can deal with it by myself! It's not that bad, I'm going to get used to it—"

"This isn't just about you anymore!" Clamor grabbed his arm and twisted him around to face him.

He was pissed—royally pissed. Though Clamor showed no signs of casting a spell, Noah could feel his magic radiating off of him like a heated stovetop. Even being in such close proximity with the stars Noah knew he was completely helpless if Clamor lost control over his magic for even a second.

"I consider you my friend, and it kills me to see this thing eat you up from the inside. You're getting less and less sleep, you can barely stomach anything; sometimes you look like a walking corpse! Sooner or later you're going to end up seriously hurt!" He snapped.

'It can't be that bad.' Noah wanted to say but feared Clamor would actually lose it if he heard him. Sure he missed the occasional meal and had a bad day, but didn't everyone?

"I—"

"And don't you dare say you're fine, young man! I'm sick of being lied to every day, Noah. I'm sick of just sitting back and watching you get destroyed by this!"

'I never realized how this affected him.' Noah realized. 'It's just like back then…when I was too occupied with reading all those stupid documents to really notice what he was going through…'

The weight on his chest only seemed to grow denser.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me anything." Clamor added in a much softer voice.

'How?!' He wanted to scream. 'How can I tell you that you're going to be murdered by an Order member?! How can I tell you that I have no choice but to sit back and watch it happen?!'

"Please don't face this alone, kid."

"I want to tell you, Clamor! I-I really do but I can't!" He collapsed onto his knees, trembling.

The images from his past were flashing through his head once more, mocking him of all of his past mistakes. He could barely hear the stars' calling out to comfort him over his brother's pained screams—over Clamor's cry of fear.

He felt Clamor rest a hand on his shoulder. Noah instinctively held onto it. He didn't want to ever let it go.

"I'm tired, Clamor." He whispered once it didn't feel like his chest was being crushed. "I'm so fucking tired of it all."

"Tell me a gist of what's happening." Clamor took a seat beside him.

"I can't—"

"I'm not asking you for the details. Just tell me enough to have an idea of what's going on."

A loophole. It was a clever idea to keep the actual truth hidden while also confessing to the demons that have been eating him up on the inside. But Clamor was smart, if Noah wasn't careful with his words he could very much figure it all out.

"I…I keep seeing things from my past." Noah began carefully. "My brother and…my best friend."

Noah paused for a moment, trying to figure out a way to best explain the events. Clamor remained silent through it all, patiently waiting for him to make the first move.

"Y-you know I lost a lot of loved ones, but I never told you how it happened. Harque a-and my friend…they were both murdered by—i-in a really similar fashion. S-sword to the chest." He nearly slipped that someone from the same group was responsible, but he thankfully caught his mistake early.

Knowing Clamor, he probably would've connected it to the Order and tried to research any recent murders related to the group

"You witnessed everything?" He asked incredulously.

Noah nodded.

There was a deafening pause.

"I'm sorry, Noah." The hand on his shoulder tightened.

'I should be the one apologizing.' He thought bitterly.

"Those memories must haunt you."

"I-I see them everywhere. I could be doing something as simple as sharpening my sickle or organizing some potions and I'd just see them both die all over again!" He frantically wiped his burning eyes on his sleeves.

He hasn't had a full-on breakdown in front of Clamor since he first kicked down his door. It was embarrassing to lose his composure again now that he was so much stronger and wiser than back then.

"I-I dream about them too. It's didn't used to be this bad but every fucking time I go to sleep now I see them. I-I always see it happen again!"

"It must be difficult to witness it so many times."

"That's not the worst part." He dug his nails into his palms until he was sure he drew blood. "I-it's remembering how helpless I was back then. I-I couldn't do anything to save them! They were killed right in front of me, Clamor! I-I could've stopped it but I didn't—I couldn't!"

"You weren't as strong as you are now." It wasn't a question.

"Y-yeah." He sniffled. Technically he had successfully fought off Clamor's attacker, but it didn't matter. The Gate forced him to watch the horrible murder regardless.

"I owe it to them both to get stronger, s-so I can prevent that from ever happening again."

"When you told me that you wanted to learn magic, did you do it for their sake only?"

"I…"

Noah wasn't sure. When he told Clamor that answer, all he was thinking about was what Yuria had asked him. She didn't do it intentionally, but she made him realize just how little he knew about Clamor. Traveling back to the past so hastily wasn't just a split-second decision to see Clamor again, it was also an excuse to get to know him better. If learning magic was going to make him closer to Clamor, then so be it.

But had he also wanted to grow stronger to keep any more of his loved ones from dying?

"I don't know. I wanted to learn magic so I could…u-understand my friend a bit better. I guess now that I'm stronger I feel like I owe them vengeance of some kind."

"Have you ever considered getting stronger for your sake? It's understandable to want to avenge your loved ones, and there's nothing wrong with that, but afterward what's next? Life's too short to live on vengeance alone, Noah."

"Their lives were too short. I-if I was just a bit stronger Harque would've never died! His blood is on my hands! I-I did this to him!"

"I understand how you feel but—"

"I-I don't deserve a second chance at life! Because of me, my family—the world lost someone as smart and kind as my brother! Because of me, my friend thought I hated him before the last—"

Noah snapped his mouth shut before he could let the truth slip. He didn't expect to say so much to Clamor. Once he started talking it was just…so hard to stop.

"I'm sorry." Clamor wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. His warmth enveloped him like a blanket—a reminder that he was really here.

The lump at the back of his throat was absolutely suffocating at this point.

"I'm sorry I never realized how much this has been eating you up."

"Don't apologize. Y-you're the last person who needs to apologize."

"No, as both your mentor and friend I should've intervened sooner. It's my fault for letting it get to this point."

His words alone were enough to cause the first trickle of tears to roll down his face.

What did Noah do to deserve both Clamor and Harque's kindness? All he's ever done is stand back and watch them die.

"I'll be honest, Noah, I'm a bit worried about what you just said. I don't think they'd blame you for their death and I certainly don't agree with your statement about not deserving a second chance at life."

"I-I know they wouldn't blame me, they're too damned nice to think like that even if they should. B-but I can't forgive myself."

'Someone like me doesn't deserve your kindness.' Noah tried to pull away from Clamor but he only tightened his hold around him in response.

When was the last time he was hugged by someone for so long? He couldn't remember.

"And what exactly are you still holding yourself to?" Clamor asked softly.

"That I-I couldn't save Harque when he needed me the most, that Harque and my friend were always so considerate of me but all I did in return was hurt them; that I'm always the one who gets out of situations unscathed!" Noah's palms were burning from his nails digging into his flesh. It didn't matter, he felt like it was well-deserved.

"And what would make you forgive yourself?" Clamor challenged.

Noah didn't have an answer for that—he wasn't sure he ever had an answer for that.

"I guess if I manage to change the past." He laughed coldly. "Or if I take down every damned bastard who hurts people like them."

'But what's the chance of that ever happening?'

He visibly winced when he clawed his nails further into his palms. He felt Clamor tense beside him.

"I think it's admirable that you want to grow stronger to prevent similar tragedies from happening, but I'm worried you won't live for yourself anymore." Clamor said after a long pause. "Being angry at yourself, obsessing with revenge; it's all keeping you bound to your past. How can you move on with the rest of your life when you're only looking backward?"

"I don't deserve to move on." Noah breathed. "It isn't fair to them…"

"What would your brother and friend say if they heard you just now?"

"It doesn't matter, they're both too soft to see the person I really am anyway."

"You mean the kindhearted boy who would do anything for his loved ones?" Clamor answered in a heartbeat. "Or perhaps you're referring to the boy who never stops learning and never fails to impress his teacher, who is always willing to lend a helping hand—who befriended me when no one else wanted anything to do with a half-blood."

The more he spoke the harder it was for Noah to keep his emotions in check. The way Clamor described him seemed so foreign to his personal description of himself. It sounded too good to be true. He couldn't actually be that great of a person, right?

"H-how are you so nice to me? I don't understand…"

"The same reason why your brother and your friend would beg you to forgive yourself. You're a good kid. Sure, you may have made some mistakes in the past, but the joy you bring to this world outweighs the bad." Clamor rested his chin on top of Noah's head.

Noah instantly found himself leaning into Clamor, despite the demons at the back of his head telling him to stop taking advantage of Clamor's kindness. His warm embrace, the lingering scent of coffee—it all felt so safe...like home.

"Do you honestly think your brother and your friend would want you spending the rest of your life regretting the past? Don't you think they'd want you to live?"

"He wanted you to live," Noah recalled what the Moon Priestess had told him just before he fell into a deep slumber.

Noah didn't really think much about those words before, his only objective at the time was to survive long enough to kill the bastard who murdered Harque, but now it made him wonder.

Had Harque predicted the fallout if anything bad were to happen to him? Was his final message to Noah a plea for him to stray from the senseless path of vengeance? To unapologetically live?

"Moving on doesn't mean you must never grieve for their shortened life, I actually encourage you to face those hard feelings head-on. Just don't let the past control the future. You're a brilliant kid and I think I speak for them both when I say your life is worth living to the fullest."

Noah looked down at his closed fists, even through his blurred vision he could make out the thin line of blood snaking out from underneath his fingernails. He slowly uncurled his fists, wincing as he observed the damage he did to his own two hands.

'Harque would've been so upset if he saw this.' He thought almost immediately.

Harque treated Noah's smallest injuries like he'd just walked in with a knife through his hand. Noah was deeply familiar with his brother's lectures of taking good care of his health whenever he needed help patching up a small scratch.

If Harque learned where his most recent injuries came from he'd lose his mind.

Noah didn't want to imagine how his brother would react if he saw just how poorly Noah was handling grief.

"Ah. You shouldn't be so harsh to yourself." Clamor's words sent shivers down his spine. For a moment he wondered if he read his mind.

Noah allowed Clamor to gently envelop his hands in a lime green light, washing away the persistent burning from his wounds with an icy cold wave. Noah watched in awe as his injuries faded into nothing from Clamor's magic.

He gingerly flexed his fingers once the spell ended, satisfied that the small movement didn't inflict pain on him anymore.

"Thank you…"

"You might not be able to change the past, Noah, but you have the power to change the future." Clamor breathed. "Please don't spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for something you never did. I know your brother, your friend, and myself would want you to be happy."

"I-I want to live..." Noah averted his eyes up to the heavens once more. The stars seemed to hum with joy at his new resolve. "I don't know how long it'll take me to recover...but I want to try..."

"I'll be with you the best I can. If you're ever feeling overwhelmed please come talk to me, even if you don't want to explain everything let me be there for you at the very least." Clamor ruffled his hair. "And for what it's worth I'm glad you're still alive."

His last statement, as simple as it was, broke the emotional dam Noah was keeping in for the past several months. Noah broke down crying harder than he ever had before, barely able to catch his breath beneath the sheer weight of his pent-up sorrow. He couldn't explain how exactly he felt.

Happy to hear someone wanted him in their life, devastated by his lingering grief from Harque and Clamor's death; confused that someone could look past his shortcomings and still felt he was worth their time.

But most importantly, for the first time since he woke up from his slumber, he felt loved. Loved when Clamor reminded him of the joy he brought to him and Harque's life, loved when he refused to leave Noah's side no matter how hard he pushed him away; loved when he held him close in the cold night.

"C-Clamor?" He managed to stammer once he'd calmed down a bit.

"Hmm?"

Noah, catching Clamor completely off guard, tackled him down with the tightest hug he could manage.

"T-thank you. For absolutely everything." He murmured into his robe.

"Of course." He felt Clamor's arms wrap around him. "You're worth every second."