The next night Olivia asked me to dinner. I meet with her and Amanda at a bar down the street from the precinct. After the drinks arrive and we order food, Olivia says "so Sonny mentioned something at work today."

"Mmmm?" I hum out, not sure what she could be referring to.

Ananda chimes in "he said you're worried about telling people about how the two of you met."

My eyes lower to my drink, not sure how to respond. Olivia answers before I could even really think "Addison, you know there's nothing to be ashamed of. You've overcome your rape. You are more than that, it doesn't define you."

I sigh, wishing it was as easy to feel that way as it was to hear it. I say back to them "I know but how do you tell people, some who you just met, that your fiancé was the officer who arrested your rapist?"

"There, just like that." Amanda smirks at me, then takes at sip of her beer.

I give her a glare and then Olivia adds "you don't have to go into details about it. You don't have to say anything about it if you don't want to, but you don't have to lie."

"So, what? I just say my fiancé is an SVU detective and we met when he was taking my statement?" I ask.

"Yea, or that you guys met when he was out on a call." Amanda shrugs out another way to word it.

I sip my drink and nod slowly "I guess. I just hate the pity." I reiterate to them.

"Then don't let them pity you. Again, your rape doesn't define you. It's in the past. If you say it and own it, without expecting them to pity you, more times than not you won't get it." Olivia explains. She goes on "I was almost raped when I was under cover years ago. I had a hard time talking about it, too. But eventually I had to remember that I'm more than my assault. I wasn't going to let this one incident in a lifetime of incidents be the one to change me."

I nod with semi wide eyes, happy she felt comfortable enough to share that with me. "Thanks guys. I know you're right. I'll do my best." Our food arrives then and the two of them share some small talk about work. We occasionally all come together and have some girl talk. It's more natural with them then it was the other night and I'm really starting to feel more like a friend to them and not just their partners fiancé. When we're all done and finishing our last drinks, Amanda just spits out "okay, I have to ask. How's carisi in the sack?"

My mouth drops a little at her bluntness and Olivia just shakes her head "and on that note, I'm leaving. I do not need to know about the sex life of my detectives. Night Rollins, see you tomorrow. Goodnight, Addison." She gives me a smile and takes her check and leaves the table.

I look at Amanda who just smirks at with me a shrug "sorry, is that too much?"

Although it's awkward, I decide to answer, hoping to get some advice from her "I think he's actually really good."

"You think?" She raises one eyebrow and asks me back.

I elaborate "we had sex once but I wasn't really all there. I thought I was ready for it but I guess I wasn't, guess I'm not."

"Oh, I'm sorry." She returns "he didn't like pressure you or—" she tries to ask.

I cut her off before she can finish the ludicrous question "no! Absolutely not. If anything I was more forceful about it. I thought if we just had sex I'd be over everything. But I don't even let him touch me, yanno."

She just stares at me, as if looking through me and reading everything in my mind. She adjusts in her seat ever so slightly and asks "Addison, when's the last time you had an orgasm?"

"What?" I ask, thrown off by another random question.

She clarifies her question "well, do you masturbate?"

"I, uhh.." I take a sip of my drink, gulping it all down before finishing my answer "I haven't self helped or orgasmed since before everything happened."

"That's your problem." She replies so nonchalantly, finishing her beer. Before I can ask what she means, she adds on "if you can't even feel comfortable touching yourself then how are you gonna feel comfortable letting carisi touch you?"

I think about what she says, realizing she does have a point. I slowly respond "yea, I guess. I just don't feel the need to like, orgasm anymore." My voice kind of hikes up at the end, wondering if that's really what I'm trying to say.

She sort of laughs and shakes her head "that's only because you're associating it with something bad. Once you associate it with something else, it'll get easier."

"How do you know so much about this?" I decide to ask her.

I don't expect her to give me an open answer like Olivia did about her assault, so I'm surprised when she says "my old boss in Georgia used his power to sleep with me. After I put a stop to it, I felt like no guy would want me. Turns out, I was reflecting this negative imagine onto myself that wasn't true. I had to get comfortable with myself again and with the choices I made if I wanted to move on." I nod as she finishes telling me her story. She then waves her hand over her head and hollers out "can I have 4 shots of tequila, please?" I see her eye the bartender who nods.

"Amanda? What? No." I argue.

"No, tonight you're going to get a little bit tipsy, go home and make yourself.. you know." She smiles deviously at me.

"No, I can't." I push back.

Her smile stays on her face "come on, I promise once you're good with yourself you and Sonny will be going at it left and right." She snaps.

"Did Sonny put you up to this?" I ask her, the shots now arriving.

She pushes two towards me "He did not, BUT I had a feeling he wasn't getting any." She lifts a glass into the air "to reconnecting to one's self!" I lift my glass up as well and reluctantly cheers the glass together.