I can't summarize this without giving something away so just enjoy! Takes place shortly after "Twin Suns".


"Easy, easy, breathe."

"It hurts!" Ezra hissed through clenched teeth, trying desperately to hold off the mental probing his master - his real master - was sending at him.

Kanan sighed and began to pull away only for Ezra to grab his arm. "Don't stop. I..I can handle it. I've got to fix this."

"You will. We will. We just need to take it slow." They were the same words he'd repeated every night since Ezra had returned from Tatooine, contrite and determined to regain control over the part of his mind left scared by the sick imitation of a bond Maul had formed with him. The place the disowned Sith had stolen in his boy's mind and used to manipulate him.

There was a rustle of clothes as Ezra shifted onto his knees and leaned his head onto Kanan's shoulder. "I don't deserve you." He murmured, tears thickening the sound of his voice.

The older Jedi immediately wrapped an arm around him, humming gently. "Kid you deserve so much more than me. The old masters could have taught you more about the Force in a week than I have in all the time we've known each other. They wouldn't have allowed this to happen."

Ezra shook his head, burrowing closer. "The old masters wouldn't have come back for me after I pushed them away. At least not like you did. They wouldn't have just forgiven and forgotten. There's no way I would even have a chance to still be a Jedi if one of them was in charge of me."

"They wouldn't-"

"They couldn't handle the thought of people falling in love Kanan. There's no way one of them would have kept me when I cast them aside in favor of the thing they would give their life to protect me from!"

Kanan shook his head. "I don't believe that."

The boy pulled away, breaths quickening rapidly. "Well then, do you believe they'd have let me sleep in their bed? Or stayed up late to hold me when I panicked over the same memories for the fifth night in a row? Would they have answered my requests for a distraction from my fears with a smile and a kiss on the head? But it's no use. All the patience, all the affection in the galaxy isn't going to make me a model Jedi. You have to know that and yet you... I don't how you can bear to...how can you still want me?"

You're a greater Jedi than most of us could ever be. Kanan thought, heart aching at his padawan's pain. Ezra was spiraling, unable to understand how Kanan could still stand to look at him (metaphorically speaking) when in his mind he'd caused the man nothing but heartache. It wasn't true but given his boy's fragile state of mind the Jedi knew attacking that argument directly would go nowhere. He had to be smart about this.

Reaching out carefully, he grasped his kid's arms gathering him into as tight an embrace as he could manage. Ezra let out a squeak and attempted to pull back but Kanan held firm, sending a not-so-subtle 'settle down' impression through his padawan's still fragile shields. After a minute or two the boy did, unable to resist the waves of calm and affection washing over his mind.

"Ezra, do you trust me?" A slow nod answered him. "I'm going to drop my shields and I want you to pay very close attention to what I'm saying and feeling, do you understand?"

"Yes Master."

"Alright." He paused long enough to make sure their minds were sufficiently connected before continuing, slowly and deliberately. "While you're wrong about the old masters systematically casting you aside after a serious mistake, you aren't wrong about the rest. My master was... unorthodox. She hugged me, rarely but did happen, and she would sit up and talk me through nightmares. But you can forget kisses, or anything else in that line. She cared for me dearly but in the end she was a Jedi Master, and there were strongly suggested outlines of behavior that had been ingrained in her. Outlines that can burn in the fires of Mustafar for all I care."

Ezra started at that, but stayed quiet, which Kanan counted as a win. "Please understand this: the Jedi teachings are important to me, they always will be, but there is no "model" Jedi anymore. The old order is gone and even if it wasn't, you and your needs are far more important than a set of rules that didn't leave room for people to adapt, to grow beyond its regime.

"I don't hold you because I think it'll make you a good Jedi. I hold you because I know what it's like when you need to be held and no one's able or willing to do it." A sharp burst of pain shot through their connection - one Ezra clearly thought came from him as he turned and nuzzled his master's shoulder compassionately.

Kanan acknowledged the gesture with a brush of lips against his padawan's temple before continuing, "I told you before we got the news about your parents that no matter what happened I wasn't going to leave you alone. That's still true Ezra. You could tell me tomorrow that you don't want to be a Jedi anymore and I would support you."

It was one of the few good lessons Kanan's years as a drifter and jack of all trades had taught him. No being could be forced down a path they didn't believe in. Not without resentment at best and full scale turf wars at worst. If Ezra chose to walk away from this way of life Kanan's hurt and disappointment would be agonizing, but he would be there for him nonetheless. He could sense the young man knew it too although a protest escaped him anyway.

"Why would you do that? Why would you do any of this?"

Taking a deep breath in, Kanan released the words his heart had been urging him to say ever since the first time his boy's tears had landed on his shoulder. "Because I love you Ezra. No matter what happens, no matter where you go, I will always love you."

The teenager began to cry in earnest then. "You shouldn't! I don't want you to!"

Kanan wasn't fooled. Ezra's true feelings were all too clear through their bond. The kid wanted to believe him, on some level he did believe him, but he was still fearful. As if the words would be retracted at any moment.

"Hm let me think about that. Nope, still love you."

Ezra gasped out a sob that might have been trying to be a laugh and Kanan sent him another soothing nudge, cradling him close both in his arms and in the Force. "I'm going to tell you, every day if need be, until you believe it. And as often as I have to after that so that you never allow yourself to forget."

The tears slowly came to a stop then, eased by the soft, wordless assurances flowing back and forth between them. Once or twice Ezra's breath caught as if he intended to say something but no words came. A few minutes passed and once again the sound broke the silence, this time accompanied by a groan and burst of self irritation audible through the Force.

Kanan pressed a calming hand to the side of his head, easily picking up on the source of the frustration. "Don't. It's alright"

"It's not. I..I want to say it too. I don't understand why I can't!"

"It doesn't matter. I didn't say it just to hear it back. You'll say it when you're ready to. And if you're never ready to, then that still won't change anything."

"I'm so sorry. You...you do know though? Don't you?"

"I do my boy," Kanan murmured, pushing all the comfort and understanding he had in him across their bond, letting out a breath of relief as Ezra finally began to accept them. "I do."


Y'all have NO IDEA how hard it was not to have Kanan say I love you like two chapters ago! But I'd already written this and decided it was the moment Ezra needed to hear it the most. As always I would love your thoughts on this - or any - chapter! Only one left, and it's happy, I promise!