When I wake up I move around and feel that Dean is not next to me. I sit up slowly, removing the crust out of me eyes to look for him. His leather jacket is gone, and so is his bible. I get up slowly and walk over to my cellphone on the table. I find his number and dial it quickly. He picks up after the 3rd ring.
"Hey, where are you?" I ask through a yawn.
"I already left to meet with Pastor Gideon" He responds to my question.
"Well, you should have woke me. I can get changed and be there within the hour." I tell him, making my way over to the sink to rinse the sleep off my face.
He coughs "no, it's alright. I want to do this one on my own. I'll be back in a couple of hours" He says, sounding sad.
"Are you sure?" I ask him, hearing his tone.
"I'm sure" He says back.
I breath out deep and turn the sink off. "Ok.." is all I say.
"I'll see you soon" He goes to hang up.
"Dean, wait." I stop him, hoping it's not too late.
"Ya?" He says back.
"Is everything okay?" I ask. He hums out a yes, not making me feel better. "Are we okay?" I ask next.
"Yes, we're great" He says back, with less sadness in it. "bye" he says again before hanging up this time.
I place my phone on the side of the sink and make my way back to the bed. Now what am I going to do for a couple of hours?
I go back to sleep but not for long. When I open my eyes again, it's only 40 minutes later. I decide to get up and call Sam to check on Paul. I dial his number, but he doesn't answer. So I try again, and he still doesn't answer. I put the phone down and decide to take a shower. One long shower later, I expect to see Dean when I get out, only he is not back yet. I check my phone for any missed messages and don't have any. I sit there, literally twiddling my thumbs, trying to keep myself occupied. Another 42 minutes pass before I have enough and leave the room. I take the same walk Dean and I took our last date on. I go to the same bistro we did then and eat lunch alone. I left my phone at the motel, hoping the time would seem to pass faster without me looking down at it every 2 minutes. When I've finished, I get back to the motel and when I enter the room Dean is there reading his bible at the table.
"Hey, where you been?" He asks with a smile getting out of his seat to greet me. My heart softens just a little. Although he told me over the phone we were okay, it was still hard to believe him.
I smile back and return the hug he embraced me in "just walking, no one was answering their phones." I say walking over to the table after we let go. 2 missed calls, one from Dean and one from Sam. Of course. Dean returns to his seat and I sit down cross legged on the bed.
"Sam called me when you didn't pick up, everything is good with Paul." He informs me.
I nod my head and let a quick exhale escape my lips. I lift the leftovers back out towards him "want my leftover salad?" I ask.
He gives me a disgusted look "salad? Ya, no thanks" He chuckles before putting his head back down to read.
I shrug, knowing better then to ask if Dean wanted something healthy. I change the subject "how was your meeting with the Pastor? Seemed to be gone awhile.." I trail off..
"It was good.. we went over the rest of the commandments." He says without looking up.
I wait for him to indulge more details, but he doesn't. So I prompt him further "and.."
"And what?" He looks up now "it was good, I guess" he shrugs his left shoulder.
"Right." I say annoyed at his response and looking away.
"Hey, don't do that." Dean responds quickly to me with a stern tone. I avert my eyes to his, with a small scowl still on my face "I'm not pushing you away Hayden.." He says
I interrupt him "sure seems like you are.."
"Let me finish.." He responds back keeping his temper. Of course that only irritates me further, and he can tell. He stands up and walks over to me, sitting next to me, resting his hand on my back "Listen.." he pauses for a moment and I turn my eyes to his. "We talked a lot about me today, about you, about us, about Paul, Sam, Castiel.. and after everything was said he had a good point.." He pauses again. I cough letting him know I'm waiting for that point "If I'm going to do this, I have to let my faith growth independently.."
I tense up when he says this but my body goes numb at the same time. What does he mean, independently? How can he say that? "Dean.. what?" My eyes start to fill with tears.
"No, no, no, no, no! That's not what I meant.." He rubs his hand across my back gently trying to soothe me. I wipe away the tears that formed and wait for him to go on "what I meant was that I need to have my own understanding of God and everything.. and the best way for me to do that is to finish these meetings alone..
"Oh...Ok.." Is the only thing that comes out of my mouth. I don't know what to think. I kind of get where he is coming from, but it still offends me a little that he doesn't want me to go with him.
He must know I'm thinking of something because he speaks up again, grabbing my chin between his thumb and pointer finger and lifting it up so our eyes meet "but we're good Hayden.. we're great" He says lowly.
"You mean it?" I push back, wanting to feel better.
"I promise" He smirks before leaning down and kissing me. After a few minutes of kissing he pulls away.
"where are you going?" I ask.
He reaches for his jacket and throws it over his shoulder "Well I ain't eating that salad for dinner.. I'm gonna go grab a burger.." He turns around and shuts the door behind him.
I take this opportunity and walk over to where he was sitting and grab his bible. I open to where he flipped a page over and read the underlined passage
It's from Proverbs 3:5-6 "5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
I close the book, careful to put it back where I found it and sit down on the chair across from his. I sit and think until he returns with a fast food burger and shake in hand "got you a chocolate shake" he takes out a cup from the holder and passes it my way.
"Thanks babe" I say back softly. I take a sip and enjoy the cold liquid drip down my throat. He eats his burger like he eats all his food, sloppily and I watch him as he does. He opened his bible back up and began to read again. I can't help but chuckle when mustard slips onto the page he is reading. He looks up "sorry, your just making a mess, it's cute" I shrug with a smirk.
He rolls his eyes with a smile and puts his head back into the book. I take that as a sign to let him read and find something else to put my mind on.
It's a low key night and I go to bed before Dean, as usual. Even though we're not being woken up by Paul, Dean still only sleeps 3-4 hours a night. When he wakes up at 6, I open my sleep eyes and roll over to face him "you really should try and sleep more" I say to him rubbing my finger nails down his back.
"Too much to be doing" he says back letting me touch him.
I sit up a little bit more "but there isn't right now.." I say to him. His head turns to me not following what I'm saying, so I elaborate "You can't go out hunting right now, Paul's not even here.. there isn't all that much to be doing.. you should try and catch up on some sleep." I reiterate my point.
His eyes shift between my eyes and bed while I speak and when I'm done he kind of sighs out and then reluctantly gets back into bed "if only we could pass the time some other way" He smiles to me. I hit him gently on the chest before nuzzling my head into his neck. For a while, I can tell how hard he is having going back to sleep, he tries not to move a lot when I lay him, and I turn away from him so he can wrap his arm around me. Eventually, I feel his breath become steadier and I know he fell back asleep. I let the drowsiness of the early morning take over me and go back to sleep myself.
Deans movement wakes me and I open my eyes to clock on the nightstand. 8:57. It's only a few more hours but I'll take what I can get for him. He rolls out of the bed and I let him go this time. He throws on his jeans and walks into the bathroom. I sit up, yawning in the process and get myself out of the bed. I hear the shower run and know I have to wait to use the restroom now. I occupy myself by making the bed and playing a game on my phone. When Dean emerges 10 minutes later fully dressed I rush in and relieve myself. While washing my hands Dean calls out to me "hey, today's our last meeting with Gideon.. I'm going to go now, will you meet me there in 2 hours or so?" He calls.
I walk out while drying my hands "huh?" I ask not sure what he said.
"I want to go meet with Gideon alone first, and then you can meet me there in a few hours?" He reiterates to me.
"Sure" I smile walking over to him. We kiss each other goodbye and he leaves. I go back into the bathroom to shower. I spend the time I have packing everything so we can leave later that afternoon.
I arrive at the church around noon. The church is still as run down as it was 2 days ago and it still makes no sense to me. Why is he keeping the inside so pure and letting the outside fall to pieces. I go around to the back of the building to use the back entrance and I pull hard on the metal door. It doesn't budge. I knock on it a few times but nothing. I take out my cell and call Dean, but he doesn't answer. A few more tugs and knocking later I give up "I'll just go through the front" I say out loud to myself. I walk to the front of the church and open the broken door slowly. My eyes light up when I see the room and tears fill my eyes. I can't believe what I'm seeing.
