Warnings: same as the last few chapters

A/N: People who come on here, a clear story labeled NOT TIVA to troll me, I'm either going to delete your posts if you're anon or report you. I actually have Tiva stuff on my hard drive but I'm never sharing it because the fans of that ship are the most toxic and have completely ruined an entire fandom; this is why I don't write Tiva anymore.

Patti Lipscomb- not sure why you couldn't see chapter 5, no one else reported having a problem, hope you can see it now :)


Graham Milton was surprised to learn Tommy Merchant was out of prison. "They let that wacko out? Wow… never thought I would see the day when he walked the streets again… not after reading about that poor girl."

Tony tapped his pad against his leg. "Girls. There were three victims… that we were aware of. There's a possibility that Merchant murdered more…they were just never found."

"Shame," Milton said with a shake of his head. "Kid probably did need help instead of jail time."

"He still killed three women," Tony argued. And there's no known cure for a sociopath. "Possibly two more since getting out."

Milton fixed his afternoon tea. In his late sixties now, he had been on the base that morning to do some gardening when he noticed Merchant. "Well, he hasn't come around here Agent DiNozzo. Obviously, because I'm still alive."

Tony continued to tap the pad against his leg. The musty smell of old newspapers and fabric softener giving him a slight headache. He wanted to go home. I want Leah. He blinked at that thought and slumped against the wall behind him, that was covered in yellowed floral wallpaper from the 1970s. He hadn't wanted Leah in a couple of months; he had wanted to push her away. "We're going to have to take you into protective custody."

"You really think Merchant's going to come all the way out here for little old me?" Milton asked.

"He's on a quest to make all of us pay," Tony said with a shrug.

"Driving me back to D.C isn't going to keep you from your wife is it?"

"Pardon?"

Milton gestured towards Tony's wedding band. "I was married thirty years, Agent DiNozzo. Always made sure to get home to my wife after a long, hard day's work."

Tony felt his heart ache. His job prevented him from going home to Leah every night. There was a chance it could take him away from her permanently. "She'll understand. Comes with the job, unfortunately."

The older man chuckled while he drank his tea. "Your wife must be a saint."

He sighed. Tony couldn't stop the bubble of emotions that swelled up inside of him. For the first time in months he felt something other than anger or sadness…he felt fear. What was he doing to himself? To Leah? To their son? What would Leah think if she knew he had sat on their bed, holding a note in one hand and his gun in the other. He shuddered thinking about her finding his body… "She's pretty special. Could stand to be treated better by me."

Tim came through the creaky back door at that point, slipping his phone in his pocket. "Just got off the phone with Fornell. FBI is going to take over Graham's protection detail."

"So our job now is taxi service to the FBI," Tony said with a heavy sigh. "Probably should pack, Graham."

"Give me a few," Milton said, disappearing from the kitchen.

Tony pushed off the wall, turning to look at the floral pattern. He traced it with his finger, heaving another big sigh. "I was so eager when I first met him," he mumbled. "I wanted so badly to impress Gibbs."

Tim followed Tony's movements with his eyes. He wondered if Ducky had gotten in touch with Rachel yet. "There's no need to impress him anymore, Tony. You've more than impressed him. You don't need him anymore to be a great agent."

He sighed once again, letting all his anger just deflate. "Is that why he was so cold to me all year? It didn't help when I went home from the hospital that Gibbs kept me at arms' length. I really could have used his advice."

"I know Gibbs doesn't like to talk, but maybe you need to talk to him… you know really talk to him."

"Could be too late for that, Probie. I haven't given Gibbs any reason to care about what happens to me in the last two days."

Tim glared at the back of Tony's head. "Come on, Tony. Gibbs went up to the Cape to retrieve you; he's been talking to your in-laws because he's worried about you and Leah."

Tony was surprised. He turned slightly and glanced at his partner. He had distanced himself from his family over the summer so he had not spoken much to his in-laws. "Gibbs talked to Katherine and John?"

He nodded, gently. "Yeah, after you got back from Italy. Your dad came down to NCIS… he was… he told us you were not acting like yourself. Your in-laws basically confirmed what your father was saying. I think more people care about you than you believe, Tony."

Shaken, Tony informed Tim that he needed to step outside for air. Once outside he took a deep breath and reached into his pocket. He found his cell phone and stared at the screen. Running his thumb over it, the screen lit up and Leah was smiling back at him. You need to stop this, a voice said in the back of his head, you need to stop this for her. Blinking back tears, he unlocked the phone and found her name on his contact list. He opened a new text message.

If he was going to get off this path of self-destruction, he needed to start now. Tony was terrified, like when he had the Plague. He was never afraid—when the danger is something you can confront.

Kate. He suddenly realized that the voice he had been hearing, trying to reason with him, was Kate. Swallowing his emotions, he swiftly typed a message to Leah. It was short, because his vision was blurred with tears, and it simply read, I love you.


Leah had fallen asleep, face down on the large bed. She was only woken up by her cell phone vibrating near her leg, causing the bed to move.

Rolling over onto her back, she managed to find her phone. Believing that it was her sister letting her know that she was returning from the beach with Jack, Leah hit the home button. She was surprised to see Tony's name on the screen. It was the first time he had reached out to her in weeks, besides the courtesy call that he had landed in Washington.

Her heart skipped a beat seeing his name. Leah felt tears spring to her eyes even before she read his message—I love you. Months had gone by since Tony had texted her something like this. He used to do it all the time before his leave, before their lives had turned upside down and he'd been dragged down into a dark, emotional abyss.

She wiped her eyes clean of the tears and responded back—I love you too. Leah cried, silently, hugging her phone to her chest, thanking God that finally, finally, she had been shown a sign of her Tony returning to her.


Gibbs had managed to convince Tony to come back to his house for the night. With the discovery of the suicide note, and his growing worries that Tony was drinking, the team leader was concerned for the safety of his senior field agent—more so than usual. He didn't want to leave Tony alone to his vices—he knew the dark places that being alone could take a person.

Tony didn't argue going with Gibbs. Since returning from picking up Milton, Tony had been subdued. Another extreme mood swing that Leah had informed the former marine that her husband was going through. If he wasn't raging mad, he was quiet, mute. He didn't even react when he saw Rachel Cranston sitting on the sofa.

Rachel studied him for a moment. She had been in town already when Ducky called her. Hearing what the medical examiner had to say, she was deeply worried about Tony. "Hi," she greeted brightly. "Figured I'd stop by for dinner."

"Ordered a pizza," Gibbs said, leaving the two alone in the living room. "Beers in the fridge."

"Should I be having alcohol?" Tony asked, honestly, in a haze. "It will only add to my depression."

"Are you depressed, Tony?" the doctor questioned, nervously.

"That's why you're here, isn't it?" the senior field agent asked, gesturing towards her.

"I'm here if you need to talk," Rachel proclaimed, smiling warmly.

Tony sighed and slumped even further into the old sofa cushions. "My mother suffered depression. I was a cop for years. I know the signs… I don't eat, I don't sleep…I drink to numb my emotions… you know just as much as I do that I'm depressed. No offense, Doctor, I don't need your expertise to tell me what's wrong with me."

Rachel's eyes darted towards the basement door where Gibbs had disappeared through. "Do you think something is wrong with you?"

He shrugged his shoulders. Tony refused to look at her. "Yes. I don't feel normal."

She nodded in understanding. "Why don't you feel normal, Tony?"

Tony rubbed his hands over his face, laughing softly, sarcastically. "On the Cape, I would lay awake at night, next to Leah, and think about how to end my life. My gun, jumping off a bridge into the ocean… pills. I thought I was going to be freeing Leah of all her worries. That is not normal, Doc."

Rachel felt a pang in her heart hearing him talk like this. Her brown eyes softened as she asked him, "Why didn't you kill yourself?"

"Jack… I was sitting on the bed with the note and the gun," Tony said, heavily. "And he came into the room… proud as punch to be walking. That's when I realized how selfish I was being and the anger… the anger just took over. Every little thing made me want to scream."

"Your son has a powerful presence in your life… and your wife?" Rachel questioned. "How does Leah fit into how you're feeling right now?"

Tony pursed his lips, glanced at her, regretfully. "Failed her, Doc. I did the one thing I promised her I would never do—I hurt her, I became my father."

Rachel was not aware that anything had gotten physical with Leah; Gibbs didn't seem to think it had gone that far. "Have you… been violent towards your wife?"

Anger flashed in his eyes for a moment before Tony answered, "What? No! I would never physically harm her! But I've deeply hurt her, emotionally. I told you, I became my father...a drunk…absent…verbally abusive. My actions hurt Leah, not my fists."

"Leah could have left. You weren't holding her hostage, were you?"

"No. She's too kindhearted to do that. She really deserves better than me."

"Is that how she feels?"

"I don't know. She should."

Rachel leaned back in her seat. She was going to have to talk to Leah. Somehow she didn't think Tony's wife would feel like she deserved better… "Have you talked to her since coming back to Washington?"

Tony swallowed the bile in his throat. "I called her when we landed; a text message earlier today."

She nodded. "What did you say in that text message?"

He blinked some tears back. "I told her I loved her."

"Did she say anything back to you?"

"She… she said… she loved me too."

Rachel smiled at him sadly. "Then you have your answer, Tony. She doesn't feel she deserves better. If anything, she probably wants to help you."

Tony couldn't stop his tears this time. He wiped at his eyes and stood up. "Yeah, well, it's a nice thought, Doc, but I don't think she can help me. No one can."


It might be a couple of days before I post again. I want to get caught up with posting everything on AO3.