Warnings: Same as the last couple of chapters.

A/N: Hope you enjoy!

Patti Lipscomb- Glad you could see it! Electronics have minds of their own ;)


"How bad is he?" Gibbs asked after Tony stormed upstairs.

"Well," Rachel answered, honestly, "not good. I talked to his wife, lovely woman, but she's in a bit of denial. Did you know he's been drinking?"

Gibbs sighed, nodded, and sipped his beer. "Yeah. Leah told me about it. Tony has never been a heavy drinker—his dad had something to do with that—I'm worried about him, Rachel. He's spiraling."

Rachel would agree. She had warned Tony a long time ago not to bottle everything up. It was going to come back to haunt him. "Why wasn't he given help after he was shot?"

"He refused to go see the shrink."

"Hmmm…kinda like someone else I know."

Gibbs wasn't going to argue with her. He was very much aware he wasn't a good example for Tony. Perhaps, he was partially to blame for Tony's downward plunge. "Tony held the team together after my injuries, he even caught the man responsible for it. I guess… I never saw him as needing any outside help."

Rachel pursed her lips. "Tony is angry at you. He feels abandoned by those he loves, but he especially feels abandoned by you. Why didn't you go see him in the hospital?"

"Had to make sure the guy who did it went to jail."

"Even after he had been arrested?"

"Tony had Leah; he didn't need me."

"Leah can't be everything to him. He couldn't talk to her about his injuries."

"What are you suggesting then?" Gibbs challenged her.

"That you talk to him," Rachel said, gathering her things, "See you later, Gibbs."


In the middle of the night, Tony woke up from another nightmare, but he was in Kelly's old bedroom and he was pretty sure there wasn't any alcohol stashed in here. He would have to go the basement.

Tony knew that Gibbs was aware that he was drinking; Leah wouldn't leave that detail out. He also knew that Gibbs probably was still down in the basement, working on his boat or whatever wood working project had tickled his fancy these days. You don't need the alcohol, come on, you're not your father!

But, he had turned into his father, he had turned to booze to hide his feelings. Tony felt like a heavy weight was pressing down on to his chest. The one thing he had promised Leah, promised himself, that he wasn't going to become the raging alcoholic that Senior had been when he'd been growing up.

Tony glanced at the clock on the night stand. It was late. Leah wouldn't be up. But he needed to hear her voice. He reached for his phone and dialed her number. It rang for a bit and then went straight to voicemail. "Hi, I know, I know it's late… I just… I needed to hear your voice… Leah… I'm sorry… I shouldn't have called…"

He hung up quickly and threw the phone on the bed. Covering his eyes, he tried to drown out the voices in his head. When the phone rang, it startled him. Tony jumped up and grabbed it. Maybe it was work, maybe he'd be getting out of this room… "Hello?"

"Hi sweetie," Leah's voice responded, sounding concerned. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Tony whispered. Don't lie to her! "No… no…actually it's not."

"Tony, please talk to me, please let me help you."

"I'm my father, Leah."

She sighed, heavily. "No. You're not. Tony, you're hurting right now, you're angry… that doesn't make you your father."

He wanted to scream, but he didn't want Gibbs to know that he was in the middle of a breakdown. Gibbs would have Rachel up here picking his brain again. "I turned to booze, when I couldn't handle my emotions anymore, I drank. I don't know how to stop this, I don't know how to turn everything around, Leah. Somedays, I'm not sure I even want to turn it around."

Leah took a deep breath, trying to stop herself from sobbing. "Then let's get you help. My brother knows a therapist in D.C, one who specializes in PTSD."

"PTSD? Is that what I have?"

"Possibly. Think about it, Tony you went through a massive tramuatic event—months after your watched Gibbs get shot."

"Leah… I don't know…"

"Please, Tony, please…will you at least go talk to him… for me?"

Tony sighed and took a deep breath. "Yeah…I'll go talk to him… for you." Maybe in the process it will help me as well.


Early the next morning, Tony found Gibbs at the dining room table, a newspaper in his hand, a cup of coffee at his side. Strangely the familiar sight brought a lot of comfort to the senior field agent. It gave him hope that, maybe, perhaps he could return to something normal. "Hey, boss," he said, joining Gibbs.

Gibbs looked up from his paper. "'Morning. Sleep okay?" he asked the younger man, even though he was aware of the dark circles underneath Tony's eyes.

"About the same since January," Tony answered honestly.

"It wasn't your fault, Tony," Gibbs assured him.

He winced and stared at his mug. Tony was starting to see that, slowly. Being back on the job was opening his eyes to the ebb and flow of life again, that sometimes things were completely out of his hands. "I know, boss," he said, softly. "At least, I'm starting to think I know."

Taking a sip of his coffee, Gibbs nodded his head. "Good. You're a hell of an agent, Tony. I would hate for this to keep you down—even the best agents get taken off guard. It happened to me, to Franks… you can't prepare for everything."

Tony subconsciously played with the wedding band on his finger. "I know she called you. Ziva. Abby told me. So, when Ziva called, and asked about Leah… what… what did you tell her?" he questioned, changing the subject.

Gibbs sighed and folded his paper up. "I told her the truth, Tony. It took you a long time to even think about going on a date, that you had been blaming yourself for the decisions she made… I told her that Leah fixed a broken man and her heart was pure."

"Did she ask if I was happy?"

"She did and she was glad that you were. She didn't want you wasting your life away over her."

"Sometimes… I think about if she had picked up the phone that night I called her…"

"You told her you met someone. She knew that you never would have told her if you didn't think it was serious."

Tony stared at his coffee. Meeting Leah had been a life altering, lifesaving event for him. He had been backed into such a dark place by Ziva's rejection. Leah had pulled him from the darkness, showing him that love was still possible for him. "As much as I loved her, it wouldn't have worked out. Ziva… and I...we're too much alike...we would have fought all the time..."

Gibbs stood up and went to pour himself some more coffee. "So why do you keep beating yourself up about it, Tony?" he asked honestly when he sat back down.

He laughed, angrily. "Good question. You know, for all intents and purposes, I shouldn't be beating myself up. It's clear that Ziva didn't love me, at least not in the same way I loved her, no matter how many times Abby wants to insist that she did. Maybe I'm beating myself up because I took a lot of risks out there in Israel. I risked my career lying to you, and even though I knew it was wrong to take advantage of someone so obviously in pain, I didn't care. I slept with her as a last-ditch effort to keep her with me."

"DiNozzo, you were emotionally compromised. Desperate. If Jenny had given me the chance, instead of the Dear John letter, I might have done the same as you," Gibbs confessed, watching Tony's green eyes soften.

"I walked around the Middle East in a haze that summer. Why didn't you pull me?" Tony asked, searching Gibbs eyes. "I mean… I had to be showing the signs of going crazy."

Gibbs sighed and shrugged. "Nothing was going to pull you from Israel. You had to come to the end of the road on your own, not with me yanking you out of there."

Tony pushed his coffee mug away from him and ran his hands over his face. "Always a bad idea to put two emotionally compromised people, who are sexually attracted to each other, on a farm—alone."

"You're only human."

"Don't feel human right now."

"Give it time," Gibbs assured him. You'll get back to feeling human again, Tony, promise.

"Are you mad at me?" Tony asked, catching him off guard. "I mean, about Ziva?"

"Why would I be mad?" Gibbs inquired. "Ziva made her choices."

Tony licked his lips. "Just feels like some days… you are. When I was in the hospital I kept hearing about how worried you were, but you barely showed up to visit me."

Gibbs regretted that Tony's injuries had happened during some of his darkest days of his own recovery. "No, Tony, I wasn't mad at you about Ziva. She couldn't be an agent anymore and she felt that she didn't belong here in D.C. Like I said, she made her choices. We have to live with them."

His eyes grew moist, filled with tremendous sadness. "Are you angry at me about Budd?"

Every emotion he'd felt about his life and death experience, hit Gibbs full bore. He buried the intense emotions and said, "Yes. At first I was but I was angry about everything last year, Tony."

"So… why take it out on me? That hurt."

"You… were the easy target. I'm sorry, Tony."

"I needed you, I needed you, and you weren't there," Tony whispered, trying to hide the vulnerability in his voice. "Leah was… she was great… but I needed the man that was the closest thing I had to a father… and you weren't there."

"I'm here now, Tony," Gibbs said, gripping the younger man's shoulder tightly. "I know it doesn't make up for last year, and I don't expect you to forgive me… but I want you to know that I'm here, now. I'm going to help you through this, with Leah and Rachel—Tim, Ducky… do you understand? You're not in this alone."

Tony swallowed the bile in his throat. "I think… I think I'm starting to understand."

Gibbs squeezed Tony's shoulder reassuringly. "Good. That's a good start, Tony."

He took a shuddering breath. It might be a good start, but was it enough? At this point, Tony wasn't sure. He felt that same ache for Leah that he'd felt yesterday at Graham Milton's house. "I miss Leah, boss. Last night, I just wanted to hold her to make me feel better." I even called her well past midnight just to hear her voice...

His hand didn't leave Tony's shoulder. Gibbs could understand the ache for the woman he loved—unfortunately in his case, the woman that he ached for was no longer alive. For Tony, however, Leah was very much alive. "She's coming home today, remember?"

"It will still be at least another day before I see her," Tony lamented. "I can't… I can't stop this if she isn't here."

"No, but you can start, Tony," Gibbs told him. "Stay here again tonight."

"So I can chat with Rachel?"

"Did it help?"

"A little… I think… I'm not sure."

"Then, yes, so you can chat with Rachel."

Tony shifted uncomfortably in his seat while Gibbs cell phone rang. He downed the rest of his coffee while the team leader chatted on the phone. Listening in on the conversation, Tony got the impression he was going to need it—it was going to be a long day.

Gibbs returned, silently putting his phone back into his pocket. He gazed at Tony, noticing the dark circles underneath the younger man's eyes. He was pushing Tony to take on too much. "You know, I've got some things that need to be done around the house…"

His green eyes filled with understanding. Tony glanced around. "Noticed the living room needs a fresh coat of paint… maybe some color, to you know, brighten the place up a bit. Always felt like a cave in here, boss."

He was happy to see some sense of humor. Perhaps it meant that Tony was crawling his way back. Gibbs reached into his pocket and retrieved his wallet. He threw some money on the table. "Here, knock yourself out."

"Are you giving me the day off to paint?"

"I'm giving you the day off to give you some time. I need to stop pushing you, Tony."

"How many times should I expect a phone call today?"

"Nothing too wild on the color, DiNozzo. Watch your six."

Tony smiled, sadly. "Don't worry boss. I'll make sure I have my weapon on me at all times.

Gibbs hesitated for a moment. "If you need to talk…"

"I promise I'll call," Tony assured him.

Giving a little nod of his head, Gibbs grabbed his gear and headed out to NCIS. He was concerned for Tony but he knew that smothering his SFA was not going to help. It would just alienate Tony from him even more. He needed to work on building up Tony's trust in him once again, prove to him that he was going to be there, because he had not been there when Tony had been injured.

Tony sighed once Gibbs was gone. He slowly was starting to feel like he was worth something again, seeing that the team leader was worried he might think about ending his life. Deep down inside the senior field agent had already decided that committing suicide was not going to solve anything. In fact, Tony had come to realize that it would only make matters worse.