This story emerged while I was reading 'Jaya One Shots' by louisethatcher5 on AO3 and trying to settle my brain down for sleep at like 2-3 o'clock in the morning. The specific chapters were chapters 45 and 46. You could say it's a Pride fic, due to its contents and despite it being created after Pride Month. But hey, inspiration comes when inspiration comes… even if you are trying to work on something else. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this little 'find yourself' story.
Jay liked girls. He had always known that he liked girls. But at the same time, there was something different about him. Something that made him stand out from other boys who liked girls. Something that he couldn't quite put a name to.
For starters, before he became a ninja, he would gladly make his way to some park or street corner or somewhere and just discreetly watch as girls passed by him. Of course, he would make sure he was doing something else at the same time so as not to appear stalkerish. Heaven forbid his parents found out about what he was doing. But none of the girls that walked by seemed attractive to him in any way. And that confused him because he liked girls.
Speaking of his parents, they had tried to sneak a peek (or a few hundred) into his love life over the years. But even though he always said that he liked girls, whenever his father, at least, tried to show him images of popular girls, he found it hard to explain to him that he wasn't interested. His mother, though she was equally as expressive as her husband on the matter, could clearly see that something was troubling Jay. But she kept quiet on the matter… at least until her son was willing to let them in finally.
Then Master Wu found him and he chose to train as a ninja. In turn, he met Cole and later Zane. Zane had no clue about what went on in the outside world and didn't understand much. In a sense, it both comforted and confused Jay. He didn't have to explain that he liked girls but at the same time he felt like he needed to help the odd boy. Given the day and age, Zane should have known something.
Cole, on the other hand, was different. Although he had been a little standoffish at first, Jay quickly found that he was more of a giant teddy bear. The two quickly became friends. Best friends. Cole was the first real friend that Jay had ever had… even if he did some rather odd things when he thought no one was looking. Jay just figured that it was part of Cole and he respected that. He just made sure to keep any conversations away from his own oddness.
But when Kai arrived at the monastery, something changed within the lightning master. He remembered it clearly and would most likely never forget it. The second the spikey haired boy had mentioned that he had a sister and that she needed rescuing, Jay swore his heart had skipped a beat or two.
Cole had made fun of his reactions, even while Kai seethed about it and Zane was just utterly confused. But the truth was, he had finally felt something in the way of love. And he had never felt anything before. Sure, it was only thanks to a fleeting mention, but that fact alone seemed to be driving him on during the mission. If just a fleeting mention of this girl could cause that kind of reaction, what would actually seeing her do to him that no other girl had been able to do?
When he did meet Nya, sitting behind her brother and on the back of a fire dragon, the first thing Jay thought was 'she's gorgeous'. The first thing that came out of his mouth, albeit weakly thanks to Cole whacking his scythe into his throat, was something dumb. Even stranger was the fact that he had gotten excited over the fact that the colour blue was Nya's favourite colour. This had never happened before and it honestly scared him. But he knew he had to focus because he and the other boys had had a job to do.
It was after Nya had moved into the monastery, after the whole collecting the golden weapons thing, that something changed in Jay. Whether or not it was for the better, he was not sure. He was often found following the girl like a lost puppy, trying to get to know her while also trying to understand what it was he had been feeling. The blue ninja had to admit, it was a very confusing time for him. Even scarier was that it was noticeable.
" Jay, you are freaking me out." Kai had exclaimed one evening as the boys were getting ready for bed. " What the heck are you doing following my little sister around? Have you never seen a girl before or something?"
Those words stung, Jay remembered. He also remembered sitting on his bed with a huff and claiming that he had seen plenty of girls before. Kai had quickly gone into some rant that Jay had forgotten about long ago, but he did remember that he had muttered under his breath that Nya had been the first girl he'd felt something towards. Cole must have overheard him because Jay also remembered the quiet but thoughtful look his best friend had given him.
A few days after that, Lloyd had been kicked out of his boarding school and started causing chaos with the serpentine. Kai seemed to calm down a little enough to 'help' Jay ask for a first date with his sister. Although, as time progressed, the lightning master began to question if he had actually helped that day or not. But, regardless of how it had started and what happened during the date, Jay counted it as a success as Nya had officially become his girlfriend.
From that day on, things seemed normal to Jay. Well, as normal as one could get fighting snaked and an evil warlord or two for a living. He and Nya were quite a strong couple if he did say so himself. But then something happened with Nya and things took a turn for the worst. Without any explanation at all, Nya had gone behind Jay's back to be with Cole. Even worse, she had been keeping it a secret.
Something broke inside Jay that day. Snapped in two like a twig under foot. And he knew exactly what the twig was and who the foot was. Jay couldn't excuse the earth master either. Cole knew what was going on was wrong. Nya already had a boyfriend for crying out loud, but to ignore that fact and not stop the advances in time… Jay had every right to react the way he did.
Okay, so maybe he went a little too far at launching himself at Cole and causing a massive scene even while they fought for their lives. But everything had happened in a matter of seconds. He had walked in on something that was confusing in its own right, seen the almost pleading look on Nya's face, remembered seeing Nya holding hands with Cole and looking at him in a way that she usually looked at him, heard Cole walk into his parent's caravan and that was it.
His head and been buzzing, his chest felt like it had the compressor outside squeezing it (Jay later changed his original comparison thanks to his ordeal in the compressor itself), his entire body felt like it was on fire, his eyes were stinging, and he was hyper-aware of everything. At the time, he had needed to stop the confusion. In those rather short but seemingly long seconds, it had all formulated into anger and hurt.
He had lashed out at Cole because, although the black ninja had found himself a part of the love triangle and had seemingly done nothing to get himself out of it, he just happened to be the person who broke the rather tense silence that had engulfed the caravan. Not to mention, as much as Jay knew Nya was to blame, he didn't want to lay a finger on her.
It was like something was physically stopping him from hurting the girl he loved. Because he stilled loved her, no matter how much pain, how much wrong she had put him through.
After things had cooled down a little, Jay remembered, they had spent the night in the junkyard. To be honest, Jay would have left as soon as the fight was over if it hadn't been for the fact that the others had needed him to help sort through the junk and fix them a ride to the city. Also, they had to wait for Pixal to analyse some serpentine scale. Almost as soon as it had gotten dark, Jay had left the others to try and sort himself out.
He had not expected Kai to be the one who came looking for him that night.
" You okay, Jay?" the fire wielder had asked once he had found the blue clad ninja sitting with his head in his hand against a nearby junk pile.
For once, Jay had had no words. After all, it had been a pretty dumb question after the day's events. All he did was glare up at Kai for a few seconds before turning his head away. Kai had taken that as a sign that he could sit down, and before either of them had known what was happening, Jay started splurting out how much he wanted to hurt someone because he was hurt and confused and everything had been happening at once and he just felt like he wanted to explode.
Surprisingly, Kai had listened quietly to the rant. He did tense up when Jay mentioned that he had wanted to do something to his littler sister for what she had done, Jay wasn't too far gone in his rant not to notice. But the tension had seemed to ease into a form of confusion as soon as the boy in blue had mentioned that he physically couldn't raise a hand against her.
Jay wasn't entirely sure, but he thought he may have also mentioned that Nya was his first ever girlfriend as well. Somethings had been forgotten over the years. What wasn't forgotten was that, even in his confused state of mind, Kai stayed with him for a little while and promised to, at least, talk to his sister. Whether he did or not, Jay wasn't entirely sure. But he had accepted the promise and had allowed himself to be led back into the caravan with the others for the night.
But the pain never got better. Even after months, if not a year or two, the pain did not stop. In fact, it seemed to get worse. He fought with Cole often up until the time where they just stopped talking to each other. But more importantly, everything reminded him of Nya, of what he did for her, what he gave for her. He was constantly reminded of the times when they were together. His thoughts were of Nya every night as he slept, not to mention almost every waking moment as well. And he was physically hurting being away from her.
Jay never told anyone this, but there had been one scary time, while he was performing, that someone had said something that Nya had once said to him and the memories had gone flooding back into his brain. He had collapsed on stage, clutching his head and barely able to breathe. The episode had been cancelled, a medic had been called and he had been taken to the hospital where the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him.
With his manager being with him throughout the ordeal, not to mention having kept him in the hospital until a diagnosis had been made, Jay had had no choice but to wait until the doctors had told him the results of all their tests. As soon as he could leave he was out of there and heading home. He had been given two weeks off to try and sort out whatever had made him unwell.
When he returned to work, he overheard one of his colleagues say that he was pining for someone. Apparently, all sorts of theories had been going through the studio thanks to what had happened. And the fact that he didn't deny anything, because, face it, he was pining for Nya, meant that they were having a field day trying to sort out his feelings.
Another of his colleagues offered to help him through his issues. Being blind about what that could entail, Jay had accepted the offer. Then he discovered that it had involved getting to know other women. Jay had to turn each one of them down. He kept telling himself that he liked girls, but the same issues as before he met Nya occurred. None of them were attractive to him and so weren't catching his attention. Instead, they all seemed to transform into the girl that had hurt him… the girl that he still loved.
So when Lloyd arrived in his dressing room after one particular show, claiming that Nya still spoke of him, Jay was left sitting in his chair unable to move let alone speak. Memories of before the massive fight and the consequential break up erupted in his head and a yearning feeling bubbled within his chest. He started thinking that maybe there was a small chance that things could return.
It took a while, but he managed to meet up with Lloyd again. And, even though he physically refrained himself from leaping at Cole when he saw him again, he found himself a part of a new adventure.
Yet, throughout the Tournament of Elements, Nya was never far from his mind. Yes, finding Zane was at the forefront, as was the fact that the tournament was severely rigged. But Nya was there when he allowed his focus to drop. And, again, the pain of being so close to her but at the same time so far away emerged in the form of entering his room. True, there was games galore in there, but tucked in a corner was an image of him and Nya together. The tightness in his chest quickly returned at the sight of it, so he had chosen to try and relax in the hot tub in his room.
Then Chen went and changed to tournament roster, which meant that Jay had to fight Cole. At first, it shocked him. But then the memories returned and the feelings burned at his insides. The pain of losing Nya to Cole over some indecision and all the things that were said and done from that moment on, the hurt of her betrayal, the anger of it all, they were brought back up to the surface.
Jay willingly went into the arena. There were things that needed sorting out, people to put in their places. There were thoughts finding themselves in his head that he wasn't sure if they belonged there or not. He needed Nya, that much he was sure about. But did he really need to fight to the death with his once best friend to east the pain and confusion that he was left in? His body was hurting now, but did he really need the added pain that would come if he won?
The answer came when, during the battle, something seemed to click in Cole's mind and he stopped fighting for Nya. Jay felt a little better knowing that he'd be able to get his best friend back. For a few scary moments. Then the pain returned when Cole was sent to the dungeons. That night, Jay had lay awake on his bed, thinking things through and questioning whether the hole in his chest left by the match meant something other than the fact that he had just lost his best friend again.
The sight of Nya the next day confirmed that he liked girls. It also confirmed that he really did need Nya because the constant headache and the chest pain eased significantly as soon as he realised that it was her behind the makeup. But as the tournament progressed, Jay realised that it would take some time for him to win back the love of his life.
Only, he hoped it hadn't taken as long as it did… or with the amount of pain that he had had to endure.
When Nadakhan entered his life, he thought he'd have a chance to win Nya back. But when he wasted two wishes, and his friends started disappearing, he realised his mistake. Possibly the worst, if not one of the worst, pains he felt happened just before the pirate captured him. The others found out he was lying to them, found out that he had been with Nadakhan twice before and made two wishes. They disowned him as a friend.
And Nya? She barely wanted anything to do with him. His chance with her was gone. As Jay had watched her walk deeper into the jungle, the pain in his chest returned and his head began to ache again. He started thinking if anyone would love him after what he had done, if he'd ever feel love again. How he convinced himself to get off that beach and follow the others, he would never know.
When he was captured, the pain worsened. At first, it was because of all the physical and mental pain that he had had to endure, but then he heard what Nadakhan had planned to do with Nya. How he managed to keep breathing on that ship with the knowledge he had just gained, he had no idea. But he found himself out of breath a lot easier than before that fateful dinner. Whether the pirates noticed anything, he didn't know. He did know, however, that they probably would not have cared.
Then, just as he was beginning to feel like he would die a slow and painfilled death alone and unloved, Cole appeared. And with Cole were Lloyd and Nya. Despite their failed attempt at a rescue, seeing Nya again and finding out that he was still friends with everybody eased some of the pain. Jay had been able to breathe a little easier.
However, it was only a fleeting sensation. In severe pain from a number of factors and freefalling to a possible watery grave, Jay found it was just him and Nya left. At least the headache had lessened and he was sort of able to breathe… although to what extent, he would never know due to the amount of torture he had undergone while captive.
Things started to get confusing again while they were hiding at the lighthouse, though. After having finally made it to the top of the lighthouse after meeting Echo Zane, Jay had practically collapsed into the table in front of Nya. He had tried to ignore her fussing, even while his brain seemed to short-circuit with every near touch she made, but Nya eventually won and managed to get his top off him.
Jay could not deny that he was light headed the entire time that he was trying to keep the evil pirate from laying his grubby mitts on Nya. The fact that some of the wounds were fresh probably didn't help. After the initial shock of discovering the damage that had been done, Nya had quickly gotten to work in trying to clean and dress the wounds as best she could.
" Why didn't you mention any of this before we left Ninjago?" Jay remembered her asking.
" Because you were more important." He had replied.
He didn't say anything else after that. Instead, he found himself wondering if he had said it only because he was trying to protect her from Nadakhan or if the words were coming from his battered and bruised heart. That lead him to wondering why he would think that considering what she had done to him in the past. Before he knew it, his thoughts had journeyed back to the beginning when he found out that he liked girls but couldn't figure out why he saw none of them (other than Nya) as attractive.
What little time was spent in the lighthouse was confusing, painful and, once Nya let him get to work again, was rather fast paced thanks, in part, to needing to fortify the lighthouse. And the pain only worsened once Nya was captured and Jay was forced into hiding. But after realising what needed to be done, Jay allowed himself, for the first time ever, to use that pain to try and get Nya and his friends back.
It almost worked, too. But then Nya died. In Jay's arms. Suddenly, he couldn't feel anything. Unlike the warm body of his true love, he was cold. How he had managed to say anything let alone his last wish was beyond him because he wasn't even able to think. Even when time unravelled itself, he couldn't think. He just stared blindly at everything, letting his frozen body move of its own accord… until his hand grabbed hold of the very much living hand of Nya's and everything seemed to melt away.
Well, almost everything. There was still one thought that was buzzing around in Jay's head even as he sat outside the airjitzu temple, staring up at the star-studded sky.
" Why do I only feel something towards Nya and can't even say that another girl looks attractive?" he asked himself quietly.
" So this is where you're hiding." A voice said from behind the lightning master.
Jay jumped to his feet, turning as he did so, only to find a newly solid Cole standing in the doorway. He looked tired despite it only being eight-thirty at night, probably an after effect of being turned back into a human merely days ago. But Jay also noticed concern in those brown eyes.
" Oh, hey Cole. Everything alright?" he asked, settling himself down and returning to his place in the grounds.
" I was going to ask you the same thing." The earth master replied, taking up a spot beside his best friend.
" Just thinking."
" Oh? About what?"
" About Nya… and all the other girls I've seen."
That caught Cole off guard. After everything that had happened in the past, he didn't think that Jay would go behind Nya's back like she had done to him. With wide eyes, he turned to face his friend.
" What?"
Instantly realising what he had said, Jay's own eyes went wide and he started to furiously shake his head. " No, no. I-I-I don't mean like that. I… uh… was just trying to work out what… what was wrong with me."
" 'What was wrong with you'?" Cole repeated, not sure he had heard correctly. " Jay, that's an easy one. There's nothing wrong with you. I mean, sure you're the last one to close your mouth a lot of the time and-"
" But there is something wrong with me." Jay insisted. " I like girls."
" There's nothing wrong with that."
" No. I like girls… but the only one I've ever felt anything for is Nya."
Before he knew what he was doing, Jay was explaining everything he felt around Nya and what he clearly didn't feel around other girls. He explained how he couldn't understand why he could not see other girls as attractive. He explained the pain he felt whenever he was without the water ninja. The only thing he did not explain were the events of the alternate timeline.
As for Cole, he was thoughtful about what he was hearing, taking in every word so as to try and help his friend. and when Jay explained the pain he felt when he wasn't around Nya, explained the trip to the hospital, he almost started hurting himself. It only proved to him that he should have been paying more attention to his best friend and how he was feeling.
When he was done, Jay fell silent, returning his gaze to the stars above. Being with Nya again, he was no longer in pain. But the thoughts of that pain returning again, for any reason, kept him silent. Cole, however, spent the silence thinking. There was a term for this. He knew there was because he knew of a guy who showed similar traits to what Jay was describing. Well, not being able to find love in others, that is.
" I think… I think you're Grey." The earth master eventually said, albeit quietly.
" What? But I'm the blue ninja. And I like girls." Jay questioned, clearly not understanding.
" Not what I meant. I meant Grey as in Greysexual. You don't find others attractive but for the odd occasion, that is unique to you I might add, you can feel love."
" Again, I like girls."
" Hetero-Grey, then. When you do feel something, it's for someone special of another gender, aka, Nya. You understanding?"
Jay needed some more help than that, which Cole gave to the best of his abilities. And they would have spent longer trying to work it all out under the stars, too, if they hadn't been called back inside for bed. But Jay took the information he was given and continued to search it through on the internet once he was in his room.
And yet, the more he looked into it, the more at peace he became with the knowledge. Jay liked girls. He always had and always would. More importantly. He liked the one girl that he couldn't live without, the one girl who made him feel love. Nya. And he was okay with that. After all, he could finally put a name to why he had always felt different from other boys who likes girls.
When it all came down to it, Jay was proud to identify as Hetero-Greysexual.
