The Girlfriend Agreement

He hands her a thick blue folder

"I never thought I'd be drafting one of these, so I'm sure I've missed something." He starts to stress and pace about "What did i miss out?"

"Ok, sit down sweetie. You're freaking out."

"But it has got to be right!"

She looks at him , slowly trying to puzzle him out. "First don't worry. You won't lose me because you forgot a clause. But You will lose me by trying to force me to be exactly like you, so remember that. And this can't be final and binding now, it's just a first draft, so there is plenty of change to add and remove stuff. I've a feeling I'll be learning a lot of weirdness about you honey. Some may take some getting used to. But we adapt and survive, that's what people do. So this is version 1.0, ok? If we need to , we have to be able to change stuff in here. "

She starts to read through

"Options to advance in seriousness or cancel at any time, reverting to friend status. That's sweet of you. " she gets out a pen and starts to write things in "Ok. Let's put it in there. Option to Review and update. Has to be agreed by us both. That ok? "

"Going steady. Titles and Introductions. Introduced as "my boyfriend, Sheldon" or "My girlfriend, Penny" . sounds good."

"Sexual exclusivity. goes without saying, but I guess you prefer it in writing"

"No surprises. Oh, I know The Sheldon does not like surprises."

"Non optional Social conventions will be followed. Optional ones will be explained and examined on a case by case basis."

"Ok, I've a few special social conventions for you. Do not make Penny look stupid. scoring points by making me look dumb in front of your nerd friends will get you dropped and probably punched, understood?

We should always have each other's back. I look after you, you look after me. "

Sheldon nods seriously "Agreed."

"And I'll help with your diversification, I've a few suggestions that'll help us share fun times"

"Secret names and pet names should be mutually agreed first "

"No "hootennanies", sing-alongs, raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, celebratory gunfire, or barbershop quartets after 10.p.m? I'd say that needs 'Unless both are involved' OK? give us a Mutual Carousing clause. "

She mutters and underlines something "and if you want me to keep the thermostat at 'a constant 72 f' you can pay the damn heating bills. "

"For Celebrations that require a cake, all text will be in lower case as you don't like food that shouts? Food that shouts?"

He nods "My favourite is chocolate cake, three layers with strawberry frosting"

She smiles "we can agree on cake at least"

"Oh, you're a sneaky one Dr Cooper. what's this about you decide all ties? there are only two of us, that means if we don't agree on something you'll have the casting vote so you'll always win! I'm not signing that."

"well, I think you should, so we're tied. As I decide all ties it's approved."

"No it's not - I've not agreed or signed it yet so you don't get to decide it yet."

She crosses her arms and stares at him

"See, this is the sort of thing I meant. I'm not going to just roll over and do as you say because you want me to. we're equals in this or nothing, understood?

"So how will we resolve disagreements and ties?"

"we'll talk about them sweetie, we'll talk them round until we agree."

"I prefer my way"

"you would. Ok, how about this. If we both agree it's not that important we'll sort it with a coin toss. If at least one of us thinks it's important we'll talk about it"

"you drive a hard bargain, but I suppose these things are built on compromise."

Then there are the usual technical clauses

"you doubt I'll invent time travel?"

He looks at his watch and looks around, disappointed. Then he shrugs and notes down the time and date. "It now seems certain you won't"

"ok, If you're suspicious of the freshness of milk or similar foodstuffs I'll sniff it for you" She has a guilty glance at her refrigerator

She reads on, laughing to herself. "Ok, if you become a robot or a superhero I'll help you. Though if either of us gets superpowers we should try and get the other something, I don't want to be the reporter girlfriend being rescued all the time by Super-Sheldon-Man"

flips on a page

"and if you create anything that'll destroy the earth I'll help you stop it"

reading further she stops and looks worried

"But I won't help you kill anyone unless you can PROVE they're a pod person or a zombie or whatever, ok. You can get kind of paranoid and crazy at times."

"When have I been paranoid and crazy?!"

"Didn't you fit trackers to your trashcan in case spies tried to steal your secrets?"

"A justifiable precaution. I've since invested in a double cross cut shredder"

She shakes her head and reads on.

"If I become a zombie you won't kill me? that's kinda sweet. but if I'm dead I don't want to be going round eating people's brains, so I'd rather you killed me if there was no cure. But if you get turned into a zombie I won't kill you, ok. Unless you try and eat me, if it's self defence all bets are off, but I promise to be sad after, that ok?"

"If I shower first I need to save you hot water? sure but we could always shower together, you ever done that?"

Sheldon looks at her as if she'd grown a second head, face twisted in horror and astonishment.

"From that I'll assume not. "

"Penny, the occupancy of the shower is deemed to be one and one only, unless we are under attack by aliens with a vulnerability to water"

"ok, ok, no shower sex for you" She sniggers and ducks back into the paperwork

"you want us to have a flag? "

Sheldon shudders, regaining his composure. "Yes, all great endeavours should have one. The Apartment has a flag, it's a lion Or, Rampant, on a field azure. That is the heraldic description for a Golden lion standing up on a blue background. "

"You'll think we'll be a great endeavour?"

"I'm sure of it. "

He produces another bulging folder. "I've done some research. The Seal of Nebraska shows what the state is famous for; Mountains, a Steam Train, a steam boat on the Missouri river, a cabin and harvested wheat, a blacksmith and anvil. None of which really sum you up. The State flag shows these in gold on a national blue background - Or on a field Azure, like the apartment flag.

The City of Omaha flag is blue with a gold circle and cross around a covered wagon. I don't think the city mottos "Equality before the Law" and" Best Bang For The Buck" are very fitting on your personal crest . So I looked for symbols that sum up your personal values"

"My Personal Crest is the Lion, a symbol of dauntless courage, bravery and valour. the Gold colour represents wisdom, generosity and glory. "

"For your crest it was problematic as there is no heraldic symbol for Actress, the closest equivalent is the laurels of a poet.

and a Penny is a coin, in heraldry a gold circle representing a coin is called a Bezant. It means 'Worthy of trust' . So you are represented by Laurels, Bezanted. On your own it'd be in a feminine diamond shaped lozenge, but together we'd be on a shield with a green or 'vert' ribbon banner around it"

"Nice. what's that bit for? to show we're together? "

"Indeed it does"

"so what's green mean?" He looks a little embarrassed so She looks over his notes. "here we go, Green is Vert and 'Signifies abundance, joy, hope and loyalty in love.' Ah, that is so sweet."

he gives a little lopsided smile "Glad you like it"

She signs with a Flourish "I'm in!"