Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or any of its associated characters!
Summary: COMPLETE. Naruto's been trying to act normal, and Sasuke's been trying to stay away. Neither of them are doing a very good job. Written for day 13 of Narutaugust, with the prompt repressed feelings. Canonverse, SNS, Sasuke's POV, oneshot.
A/N: MADE IT! With a couple hours to spare! I had my eye on the repressed feelings prompt as soon as I saw Narutaugust. This fic was particularly stubborn with me though; I have a huge chunk of it written in Naruto's POV, that just refused to get done. So I had to switch gears!
I also have been particularly quiet & busy recently due to my new puppy. She's awesome, but I have very rare uninterrupted time at the moment! Luckily I'm used to writing in bursts - but I'm sorry if I've left you waiting on replies or anything! Things are a bit chaotic over here, and will be for a few months at least while we all get settled :)
Anyway! I digress. I hope you like the story!
(Re/Sup)pressed
He'd been acting strange recently.
Not that anything about Naruto could be described as particularly normal, but these past few months had been...different. Tense. Unsure. Naruto's letters had started to ramble in strange, spreading ways, as if searching for something to hold onto, or to find, or to figure out. Sasuke didn't know. Sasuke couldn't pick it out, and that was the most infuriating part of it all.
He knew Naruto better than this.
He sighed and leaned back, breathing in the air that should have been familiar. It had once been home, although Sasuke had long forgotten the taste. He'd meant to be far from here. As far as he could, as often as he could. His head needed the distance and his heart needed the break, but every time he tried to give it to them…
They stayed. They stayed back here.
Sasuke let his bangs fall to cut off his vision. One eye, at least. He was quiet and tired and aching, and these visits were dangerous. There was a reason Sasuke barely let himself give into them. Naruto had always been a glue. A quicksand—a pit trap and a spider's web. Sasuke knew exactly how it felt to be tangled, and how freely he gave up his freedom—if he let himself. If he let himself.
Distance.
Sasuke breathed out again.
These roads were new. To him at least; they were worn and dirtied and likely old to everyone else nearby, but they were new to Sasuke, as much of Konoha was. As much of everything was. The world was new and Sasuke felt old against it, a relic attempting to find a place in a world that had grown past him. He'd been searching. He really had been. But Sasuke had yet to find a place to stand where his feet stayed firm, aside from…
He leaned back and let his head hit the wall.
Enough.
Distance.
This is why he could not be trusted here. Not with these thoughts. He wouldn't have come at all, if he wasn't so weak to it all. Weak to…
Sasuke blinked, and watched Naruto walk past him.
"Usuratonkachi," he called, on instinct, and the Hokage robe flared and spun as Naruto stumbled back—
"Sas—" Naruto laughed, like a breath of daylight, "what the hell are you doing here?!"
"Celebrating," Sasuke answered, still unsettled. Naruto usually sensed him the moment he returned. A day away from the village, even, And yes, Sasuke was hiding his chakra, but if Naruto was looking for it, he would find it, which could only mean—
He hadn't been looking.
Sasuke breathed in, and looked away. The shards in his chest were back again, the ice formed from air and ache and whatever stupid turmoil had fooled itself into having hope. He knew better. Sasuke knew better.
Sasuke had to love from a distance.
"Or so I was told," he added, after Naruto stayed quiet.
"Oh," Naruto said, laughing softly. "Sakura—Sakura asked you to come, huh?"
"...No," Sasuke replied. "You mentioned it. Or was today not the last day?"
"Oh," Naruto said again, "oh—yeah, I—I guess I did."
Something furrowed in Naruto's brow, but it was gone as quick as it came. He had no reason to be upset—especially not today. Sasuke had kept careful track of Naruto's promises whenever he confessed them to him, and as far as he knew, with today marking the last day of the removal of all seals on Hyuuga branch members…
"How does it feel?" Sasuke asked, and Naruto waved off another laugh.
"It—fine. I dunno," he said, shrugging his shoulders, "I think it hasn't sunk in yet."
He laughed again, and Sasuke watched as it didn't meet his eye. Naruto laughed frequently and loudly, but always differently. Sasuke knew the language of every one. And this one…
"You're unhappy with how it went?"
"No," Naruto said, "no, it went great. Everything's good. Everything's fine."
Sasuke tilted his head.
"Except for you."
"I—what? No!" Naruto said. "I'm fine! I'm happy, I'm just—"
"Naruto."
Naruto breathed in with a sharp glance, and Sasuke's chest loosened as he watched him remember who he was talking to.
"Okay," he conceded, looking away, "it's not—I'm fine. Really."
"Right," Sasuke deadpanned, and Naruto snorted as he glanced back over.
"I am," Naruto insisted. "I'll probably be fine tomorrow."
Sasuke let his head lean, and waited.
…
"But," Naruto said, and Sasuke lifted his head again, "I...I dunno. I guess I just thought I'd feel different. Right now. Today."
Sasuke straightened up.
"I don't know," Naruto said again, staring down at his uneven hands. "I just...I've done it. I should feel like I've done it. But I just feel…"
"Unfinished?" Sasuke asked, and Naruto looked up.
"Yeah," he said, with his furrowed brow and summer-sky eyes, "I...yeah."
Sasuke could certainly empathize. He knew his own reasons for feeling the way he was. He was unfinished. A sketch. He was a confused draft of writing, so drenched in ink it was as if you'd only spilled the memories all over the page. They were all scribbled over each other, jumbled together, so wrapped and so twisted that it would be illegible even to the person who'd written it. The words stayed stubbornly stuck when he tried to move them. The memories, the thoughts in his head—like specks of dust in the air, invisible until hit by a ray of light.
Sasuke was made out of shadows, and it was so much easier to see when he was in the sun.
He looked away.
"Do you have a goal you've yet to reach?" he asked, soft and searching. Anything Naruto could give him to give himself away. Sasuke tended to understand Naruto on a level so painfully intimate that it brought him to his knees, and that understanding was shared, he knew, he knew—
But they grew from different places. He had to remind this ache of that. This mad, wretched spiral in his head. Naruto cared for him, deeply, but he didn't…
"I…" Naruto started, and that had lingered. That had been considered. That was a reveal. "I don't know. No. I really don't…"
Sasuke sighed. The ache worsened.
"There's nothing that you want?" he asked, turning back to Naruto with a face carefully blank. Carefully crafted. He'd been honing this nothing for years.
"I…"
"Nothing you'd ask of the world?" he said, speaking past the heart in his throat. "Of anyone in it?"
Naruto opened his mouth and froze.
His eyes stayed locked with Sasuke's.
(Sasuke carefully, carefully hid his relief.)
Naruto snapped his head away a moment later, but it was too late. Sasuke already knew.
"Me," Sasuke replied, and if Naruto hadn't been panicked, he would have known it there.
"No, it's—"
"I have you unsatisfied."
"It's not the—" Naruto stuttered. "I know that you—"
"You want me here."
"I—" Naruto said, as if he didn't know it to be true, "it doesn't matter what I want. You can't."
He ran a hand through his hair, and Sasuke felt himself weaken.
"You can't."
He looked like he ached, too.
"I'm here now," Sasuke's mouth offered, quiet and traitorous, "aren't I?"
"For—come on. "Naruto let out a small, humourless laugh. "You and I both know you would've left already if you'd had your way."
Sasuke frowned.
"Do I look bound in place to you?"
"No, but you—don't pretend you want to stay," Naruto said, and Sasuke a dizzying bolt of lightning strike in his head— "You can't stand it here. You can't wait to leave, every time you come it's barely for a—"
Naruto cut himself off, but Sasuke was biting the words behind his teeth. Couldn't wait to leave? Sasuke dreaded it. Sasuke hated it. He ripped himself in half a hundred times a day, sending letters saying he couldn't come, taking his steps away as opposed to towards—his life had been filled with goodbyes and the nausea still burned on his tongue with every one—
But no.
No.
Sasuke wiped his face clean, and stayed nothing.
"Is that how it feels to you?" he asked, empty. Aching. The storm thundered away in his head, but he listened only to the rain.
Naruto stayed, silent and still, and Sasuke turned away from him. Always asking questions he knew the answer to. Always—
"No!" Naruto yelped, and Sasuke felt himself be ripped back— "No, Sasuke, wait, that—this is what I'm telling you, nothing I feel is right right now! This is why I—I told you it was just gonna piss you off!"
He clung to Sasuke's wrist, and Sasuke felt himself break. He knew those eyes. He knew that voice. He knew the sound of Naruto screaming, the feel of his desperate hands, the pull snapping them together and the rip as Sasuke tore himself away—
"I leave quickly," Sasuke said, speaking low and painfully, "so I'm not tempted to stay."
Naruto's breath hitched.
"Yeah," he said, pressing his lips together as he blinked—breathing in and looking up as if that would help the tears fall back, Sasuke knew the motion well— "Yeah, I—I think I know. Knew. Um."
He let out a laugh, but it sounded like a breath.
"Can I—can I ask you something?" he said, looking back with red-rimmed eyes. "Are things different for you?"
Sasuke blinked.
"Right now. Do you look at me and feel different? Because I don't. I—" Naruto laughed, and it cracked. "The last time you left, I cried. I cry almost every goddamn time—I spent two hours staring at the moon last night because I couldn't sleep and it's just—I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like you're still gone. I still look at you and I hurt, and it should be different because everything is different but when I look at you I just—"
He breathed out.
"I just feel the same."
He looked down and let go of Sasuke's wrist, as if he expected that to be what was holding him there. Not the shake of Naruto's breath. Not the red tint to his eyes, the furrow of his brow, the way he looked away and the way he bounced in place. He never had to hold Sasuke to keep him here—
"I don't feel any...different."
Naruto's head snapped back to him, and for a moment, Sasuke was terrified.
"D'you—d'you know why?"
Sasuke breathed again.
"No," he lied, but Naruto stepped forwards.
"Yeah," he said, whipping like the winds warning of the storm to come— "Yeah, you do."
"I don't," Sasuke said, but he could feel it. He could feel the humidity, hear the thunder, see the clouds darkening and Naruto—
"You do," Naruto said, and he was sure, and Sasuke had to—had to— "You're lying. You know—what do you know? Sasuke, if you—"
"It doesn't matter," he insisted—
"If it doesn't matter then tell me—"
"No!" Sasuke snapped, desperate—
"Sasuke—"
The thunder struck.
"I'm not going to tell you how you feel," Sasuke said, and it was too loud. It was too much, but he was already broken, and he was already begging, and— "I am not going to lie to myself for your benefit."
"Sas—"
It wasn't true. Sasuke knew it wasn't. Naruto thought of him as a friend and that was all he would ever be, no matter the strength of their bond—he'd asked. He'd asked and asked and asked and asked and fucking hell, if he had to ask again and hear it again he'd—
"No."
He turned away.
Naruto grabbed him again.
"Stop," Naruto said, "what do you mean lie to your—"
Sasuke threw his arm away, but Naruto didn't stop. He never stopped. He practically threw himself into Sasuke, spinning them around and grabbing him by the collar—Sasuke didn't fight, but he tensed, he waited—
Naruto stopped.
Sasuke glared.
"Keep going."
Naruto blinked.
"What?"
"A coward and a loser," he snapped. "You claim to speak from your heart but you don't even know what it wants. You claim to know mine—"
"I do know yours!"
"Then keep going!" he said. "Hit me. If you're going to hit me, then hit me."
"I wasn't going to hit you!"
"Then what?" Sasuke asked, laughing. "What were you going to do?"
Naruto didn't reply. His grip tightened, though, and something in his eyes made the smile slide from Sasuke's face. Something in the way he scanned Sasuke's face, as if looking for the something he'd been searching for—something about the way they paused, lingered, stopped—
Low.
"I—" Naruto said, letting go, "I don't—"
He stumbled back with wide eyes, still staring at Sasuke's lips.
Sasuke froze. Sasuke felt glued in place, carved in place. Naruto stared at him as if he'd never seen him before, and Sasuke stared right back, waiting for the explanation. Waiting for the truth. He knew what he'd seen but that couldn't have been right, it couldn't be, it couldn't—
Naruto jerked, as if snapping himself out of a trance.
"Sorry," Naruto laughed, too loud and too fake, "sorry! I didn't—"
"Naruto," Sasuke called, and Naruto's lie faded from his face.
"Yeah," Naruto replied, and it sounded like a whisper. "Sorry. Sorry."
"What," Sasuke asked, breathing, breathing, breathing, breathing, "were you going to do?"
Naruto's laugh was trembling.
"I don't want to tell you, Sasuke," he whispered, backing away—
"Tell me."
"I really don't—"
"Please."
Naruto's head snapped up, and Sasuke knew he'd given himself away. He knew it was too late. Naruto stared at him as if whatever had pushed him away before had been nothing, worthless, compared to this—Sasuke threw his heart into the air and waited for Naruto to let it fall—
Naruto stepped forwards.
Sasuke didn't have the chance to flinch away. He was too frozen, too rooted, too stuck, too permanent—he stood here as if he'd never moved from this place, never been able to move, never been anywhere but here, with Naruto's shaking hand on his chest and lips pressed to his—it was tentative and messy and unknown and new and Sasuke was in pieces. Sasuke had shattered the moment Naruto had touched him. This wasn't a truth he'd ever supposed to have been allowed—this was impossible. It had always been impossible. Sasuke knew the way his life was, he knew, he knew—
Naruto pulled back, and Sasuke didn't think he knew anything at all anymore.
"Please tell me I didn't just fuck up."
Sasuke's laugh rocked him forwards, filled with surprise and denial and sheer, trembling terror. Naruto would laugh. The genjutsu would break. Sasuke would wake up. This was fake. This was fake. This was fake. This was—
"Thank god," Naruto breathed, and it was real.
Sasuke felt his eyes start to burn.
"I—" Naruto started, ducking away to wipe his face, "d'you think—um, just tonight, if you could—I know you don't want to stay, but—"
Sasuke ceded his voice to his heart.
"How do you feel?" It asked, swollen and throbbing and so hopeful it felt as if he might have been begging—
"I—" Naruto said, wiping at his face again, "what?"
"Are you finished yet?"
Naruto stared at him.
"...Not with you," he answered, and Sasuke's heart soared.
"With Konoha?" he whispered, and he saw the realization as it clicked in Naruto's eyes. As he nodded, he stepped forwards, breathing in—
"I could—" he said, "I could maybe—now, now that it's all, if you'd—um. You'd have...me?"
"Yes."
It wasn't even a thought.
Naruto's breath was a laugh. He leaned forwards and stumbled back, blinking as if reeling from something, he looked so happy that Sasuke felt his head fill with stars—
"Okay. Okay. I have to—I'll start right now, I have to—if I start right now, will you—"
"Give me a job that keeps me here," Sasuke told him, and Naruto laughed out a breath.
"Okay," he said, "okay. I can do that. Come on."
He reached out, and pulled Sasuke by the wrist with a slippery, loose grip. Sasuke ducked his head to hide his smile as their fingers found each other.
Naruto squeezed his hand, and Sasuke wanted to laugh. He should have known.
Naruto always did the impossible.
A/N: Phew! I really thought I'd be up all night trying to finish this one again. I really wanted to focus on Naruto's repressed feelings, but I immediately got distracted by Sasuke's suppressed feelings, and, well, here we are.
What did you think? Let me know!
Until next time,
- Kinomi
