Chapter 5

The birthday guests had departed a little more than an hour ago and Celeste had gone to give Evie a bath and put her to bed. But as the evening had been a little too exciting for Evie, it had taken longer than anticipated for her to fall asleep. As Celeste finally returned downstairs, he found Jess cleaning up the kitchen, with the floor tidied up, leftovers already placed in the fridge, and he was just turning on the dishwasher. With things like this it was easy being with him - he didn't wait around for orders to be given out, he just did what he saw needed to be done.

"Finally," she exhaled, leaning the side of her hip against the kitchen counter, getting a glass from the cupboard to get herself some water.

"It was fun though," he noted, gathering up the last of the glasses from the dinner table that hadn't fit in the dishwasher along with the rest. It didn't really matter whether it was a book launch party or a toddler's birthday - Celeste had no trouble throwing one, thinking of everything and everyone, making sure everyone was happy and entertained.

"Yeah, a big day for her," Celeste commented, after swallowing her half a glass of water in one large sip. Singing to Evie always made her throat dry.

"And us," Jess emphasized, putting the glasses down on the counter and put his arm around her, pulling her closer. It was a little weird to think that this was just Evie's first birthday - they'd likely be celebrating that day for the rest of their lives in some form or another. And it was the two of them together that had made that change in their lives possible.

Instead of simply embracing him back, kissing him or simply replying with words, a sudden whimper left her lips, as if having been held back for ages. Tears soon followed. Surely the fact that it had been a year from the scariest day of her life, was a part of it, but it definitely wasn't all of it.

The reaction took him by surprise, and as if on instinct he began to search in his head what this could be about. He felt blind sighted - had something happened that he didn't know about? Jess tried to sooth her, his mind frantically searching for clues, holding her close and gently stroking her back.

"I'm sorry, I just..," she whimpered, unable to fully explain herself. She tried to take a deep breath, and pulled herself away from his embrace and took a seat at one of the stools by the counter, somehow his touch having seemed to make her hurt more in this moment.

"What's wrong?" Jess asked with concern, observing his wife closely.

"I just...when you said 'us' like that it just hit a cord," she sniffled. "We've been almost like living parallel lives here. Sure we take comfort in each other, we share meals, we help out, we go to the park with her," she said, taking a breath before adding, "I just haven't been feeling the 'us' lately. We don't talk the way we used to... It's all this…," she gestured around them, meaning it a lot more broadly than just the house. "I miss you, I miss us - I miss talking to you, I miss feeling like we're a team," she wept.

Celeste was exhausted to begin with, the day having been long and tiresome, with all the cooking and cleaning on top of everything. Frustration, excitement and worry combined with the sense of loneliness that she felt even in a crowd - his words had just felt like rubbing it in, allowing the wave of emotion to wash over her.

"I know, work's been crazy and I'm sorry," Jess replied, his voice resonating. He wanted to hold her again, to assure that they were still a team in his eyes, that they'd never stopped being that, but her body language was averting as if simply wanting to hide.

"And then you and Logan just go off discussing things that clearly affect me and I'm just left out… like it's all you and Truncheon. Like there's no 'us' there," she exclaimed, wiping her tears. She was overreacting a little, perhaps, but as it wasn't the first time - he'd done the same when he'd decided to hire Noah in the first place and when he'd decided to expand Truncheon forgetting to mention to her that this was increasing his workload considerably - just to point out a few. But that had just been the tip of the iceberg.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I was just going to fill you in on everything after everyone left. I just didn't feel like bringing it up in front of April," Jess apologized, clearly not getting the depth of her frustration.

Nevertheless, Jess was now even more strongly reminded of the guilt that kept creeping over him for working the way he did, for writing - for not paying attention how this was affecting her. This was the first serious scare that he'd had with Celeste, finding out that there were things that she wasn't happy about when it came to the two of them. They'd spent the first year in a pink bubble, and during the second year, he'd felt such relief to find that having a baby hadn't killed their passion. They co-existed almost perfectly - hardly ever fighting, solving day-to-day issues as they came long, she seemed always so down-to-earth and understanding. He helped around the house and with Evie, making sure she had her time off from home too. But apparently at least a part of it had been an illusion that this was enough and he felt embarrassed for having been too preoccupied to notice any different.

Celeste hadn't planned on bringing this up that night, it had just flooded out of her, and she didn't even begin to make full sense of her feelings. She wasn't ready to make demands or threats or anything really. And with being as exhausted as she was, she really wasn't up for a lengthy discussion that evening, doubting she would keep up with her own thoughts while barely struggling to stay awake.

They stayed like that for a while, Jess observing her, waiting for her to say something more. Maybe this was just a one time thing - the negative culmination of a long day? Maybe that was it? Unfortunately it didn't feel like that to Jess, him at least wanting to believe that he knew her little better than that.

"I'm going to bed," Celeste exhaled, and while her sobs seemed to have subsided, she was clearly still holding in her emotions.

It went without saying that they really needed to talk.

Jess simply watched her head upstairs wordlessly, still in shock of the outcome of his own ignorance. There was a tremor inside his gut, making him feel utterly vulnerable, scared and desperate all at once.

Jess was up before Celeste the next morning, having taken the baby monitor with him to make sure she got some rest. He fed Evie some banana bread, when she woke, and had already made arrangements for April to take Evie to the park for a few hours so he could have a chance to talk to Celeste alone.

He felt the urgency to fix this. At least he hoped it was something he could fix.

It was nearly 10.00 AM, when he dared to peek into their bedroom again, having not heard a peep from her, carrying a cup of coffee and a leftover piece of vegan chocolate cake from last night he knew she loved. Surely, a small gesture like that wouldn't hurt?

"Hey," he said softly, hoping she'd be open to the idea of some breakfast at least. He felt nervous, his heart screaming in his chest for resolution - for her to say that it was going to be 'okay'.

She didn't reply, simply laying there, curled up in bed, facing the window, observing the greyness outside, unwilling to engage. He'd never seen her like that before.

She felt rigid inside - not wanting to move a muscle, as if each movement could bring out the tears again. Once she'd let them go, there was no hiding them anymore.

"Logan talked to Noah," he began, starting from the most recent development, feeling like that was the easiest thing to talk about. "He says he believes him, that it is pretty innocent really. Apparently Noah knows you from an undergrad summer course in London and just recognized you from there. And he only told you because he wanted to see if you remembered him," Jess explained. Logan hadn't really specified the context in which he had known her, but the explanation had seemed sufficient.

"It should be pretty easy to verify, if you want to let the PI know," he added.

She pushed herself up to sit, gesturing for him to hand her the coffee, wordlessly, and took a sip. This sounded like good news, jolting her momentarily out of her frozen state.

"So unless the PI tells us something we should be worried about he's my best bet at decreasing my workload," Jess added, hoping the latter would at least appeal to her.

She took another sip, still avoiding eye contact.

"King's College, International Relations I think it was. But I hardly remember anyone from there," she shared, finally speaking up. It was 17 years ago, the number making her suddenly feel old. She'd already contacted the PI, and surely knowing a little more about him couldn't hurt at this point, but she could even verify this herself with a simple phone call.

"I have been thinking about this too. That I work too much. It's not just you," Jess continued, having gathered his courage. "I've just been wanting to do it all, you know. I feel the responsibility and I feel like I'm failing, like nothing is enough," he sighed, trying to explain his side in this.

"Jess," she began, placing her cup aside, taking his hand. Her hand felt hot on his cold skin, her touch relieving part of the tension in an instant. "I see that you're trying, I do appreciate what you're doing for Evie and me - this morning even. But we need to take time for the two of us, I need you to talk to me, not just tell me what has been decided. I have no idea what goes on in your mind these days. I don't want to lose this, this connection that we...," Celeste explained, unsure whether to finish that sentence with past or present tense, unsure if it had been lost already for good.

"So we take the time - we ask someone to babysit and we have a date night," Jess suggested.

"That'd be nice," Celeste replied, adding, "but I'm not sure that doing that sporadically would just magically fix everything. I'm not saying I don't want to go out with you, but I think even more important than that is just being with you, that you don't just clock back in to work the minute Evie goes to sleep. That when you are present, you are really present. Sure I get it, you have deadlines, sometimes that is inevitable, but lately it has just made me feel really lonely," she added, her chest feeling tight again as tears were just on the verge of falling again.

"I'm so sorry," Jess said, pulling her to his chest, kissing her hair. "I guess I just got so swept up with…," he began, realizing that he really hadn't been telling her things. She didn't even know what he did late at night. It was his fault. "This is not an excuse, and I don't even know why I've kept this to myself to be honest," he sighed, Celeste repositioning herself to observe him better. "But perhaps the reason why I haven't noticed, and I am so sorry that I haven't, is that when I go up to the study at night, in my mind you are up there with me. I've been writing again, and you're so infused into what I am writing, I feel like you are there," he added, his face full of regret, very close to tears.

She moved to her knees, wrapping her arms around his neck, resting her forehead on his, seeing him fight his tears, tears forming in her own throat as well. They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other, breathing, until she finally released her hold, tracing the side of his face with her fingers, just wanting to wipe the stress away. She really hadn't expected to hear that. And she almost felt bad herself, for objecting to his behavior the way that she had, knowing it was really also his creative outlet. It was likely the thing that kept him sane in the midst of all that work. She knew how much he needed that - she knew how long he'd been away from that.

"Talk to me," she whispered, her eyes closed. It sounded almost like a prayer.

And he did. He held her and told her about the book, which apparently was almost half way done. For those few hours Celeste couldn't quite pinpoint what she felt, sitting her legs across Jess' lap, her head resting on her shoulder, as if telling a bedtime story to a little kid. Somewhere along this process the feeling like all was lost diminished, but remained in the form some low background noise to see if things really would be different. At least he knew now, at least he had the opportunity to try. It wasn't a fix for everything, but it was a step - a step, ever so vital.

It was Sunday evening, and Celeste was somewhat surprised to get an e-mail from the PI she'd hired. She quickly skimmed through the report, finding the confirmation that Noah indeed had participated in the summer course he'd been talking about. There were even some old pictures of him included in the rapport, and in some vague form the memory, however brief, did begin to emerge. If she had only recalled this in the beginning, a year of fear and complex relationships could've just been avoided. The rest of the report was pretty straightforward - where he went to school, who his friends were - sure it contained a few business contacts from France and several joint friends with Logan but journalism had never been his thing it seemed, not so much as a 'like' on a yellow media post.

Celeste sent the report over to Jess and headed downstairs. Jess was just sitting on the floor with Evie, showing her how the activity board, they'd attached to the side of the kitchen counter, worked. She hadn't fully gotten to the point of most of the items on that board, right now simply feeling each object - the cold vs warm, textures and how some of the things moved.

"Momma," Evie exclaimed seeing her, clapping her hands excitedly.

"What are you doing Evie?" she asked genuinely, crouching down next to them allowing Evie to demonstrate the way the light switch and gear details worked.

While she did that, Celeste's eyes met Jess' who still observed her with caution. He'd really been trying all day, but it almost felt like such caution couldn't possibly last.

"I just sent you the PI report," Celeste said, breaking the silence between them.

"Anything relevant?" Jess asked.

"He confirmed the summer course, and I guess with the picture that he'd found from his college days does faintly seem familiar. I don't really remember much from those days," she replied. What Jess didn't know that during her college days she'd pretty much been the female equivalent of Logan - taking her final freedom by the horns - she'd looked like a model back then, parties, fancy clothes, dates and travel - she had had it all except for love and true friendship, and frankly she really didn't like to recall those days.

"Okay," Jess sighed. "So are you okay with me letting him take over the merger?" he asked.

It felt good being asked, though Celeste realized that there was a limit to where her opinion was relevant - she wasn't currently an employee of Truncheon, not to mention the manager, but she replied nevertheless.

"If you need him, go for it," Celeste replied. She wanted him home more, to be present - maybe if he learned to trust Noah, that would happen sooner?